Do chores. Get lucky.

by renegademama

The other day Mac and I did this thing where we flirt and tease all day, temporarily deluding ourselves into thinking we’re hot and have an active sex life.

Dad, please stop reading this post.

Anyhoo, you know, we taunt and whisper things and grab inappropriately. Et cetera.

As you can imagine, this is rather fun, and by the end of the day, both of us are ready for, um, the end of the day.

So a couple days ago we were doing the aforementioned let’s-pretend-we-just-met thing all day long. That evening I went out with a friend and didn’t get home until 11:30pm. The whole drive home I was imagining how I would wake him, a-hem – and what would probably follow. I went in the house ready to assault him.

But when I walked in the door I was assaulted. By the condition of my house. The front room looked like Toys R Us spun around in circles vomiting on the floor. The living room and kitchen were barely recognizable. The real clincher, however, was the animals. They were all pacing around like the walking dead, moaning and mewing and looking at me like “Please. Do something.”

I checked the cat’s bowls. Empty. I checked the dog’s. Empty. I checked the fucking rodents’. EMPTY.

Suddenly, I was not in the mood. What the fuck, husband. It’s 11:30pm and I want to ravage you but instead I have to walk around and feed the furry beasts. Even though you were here all night, and they were supposed to be fed HOURS ago…and I’ve been asking you for like 6 months to please help feed the animals on a regular basis…you still couldn’t do it and now, once again, at the end of my day, I have to do what was YOUR JOB.

Not hot, husband.

Not hot at all.

And as I finished feeding the last small mammal and felt the last spark of sex drive fizzle out through my toes, and my desire to do my husband turned into a desire to do in my husband, I realized how drastically my idea of “hot” has changed since I was like, oh I don’t know, 20.

Of course it’s a little hard to tell what I considered “hot” when I was 20, since my man of choice was whoever showed up after I’d had enough beers to make men start appearing hot (which may explain how pretty much NONE of them fit the “hot” bill the next morning….but I digress).

Despite this difficulty, I’m 99% sure “Hey baby, I fed the guinea pigs” would not have struck my former self as a turn-on.

But now? Oh yeah. Bring it.

What? You picked your stinky ass socks off the bathroom floor and put them in the actual laundry basket?

Come here baby. I got something for ya.

What’s that you say? You cleaned out the car and changed the sheets?

Take me I’m yours.

To illustrate, I made you a few graphics, which embody my current idea of the hottest shit in the world.

Yes, I realize this makes me pathetic and old and uninteresting.

Also, tired. Very tired. And with a thrashed house. So tired am I, in fact, and so thrashed is this house, that the thought of a man doing the chores they somehow can’t manage to figure out how to do on their own EVER. (I’m serious. What is wrong with them?!)..is like a giant hit off the love pipe. Like roses and dirty talk and sweat and red wine. Like oceans and whispers and bare muscular chests.

Like yes, please.

[by the way, if I’m the only one of you who finds men-doing-chores sexy, I will in fact off myself.]

 

Why yes.

Yes I do.

 

 

more stuff I shouldn't have said out loud:

  • luella

    there’s a book with this type of thing in it. my sister bought it for me for christmas. i think its called “porn for women”. they label it ‘choreplay’ where in your husband gets you hot by doing chores. brilliant.

    • renegademama

      Seriously? I need that book. Also, clearly I am NOT ALONE if there’s a freaking book about it.

      In other news, wish I would have thought of this like 10 years ago. I’d probably be rich by now.

      Damnit.

      • mamatothree

        ‘XXX Porn for Women: Hotter, Hunkier, and More Helpful Around the House! from the Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative’
        Check it out on Amazon, girls. We are obviously not alone …
        Now does that reassure you, or make you want to weep?

  • Momtothree

    OMG I peed myself laughing at this. But it’s so true, it’s sad! Those guys are hot btw, says she, fumbling around trying to locate the ragged remnants of a once healthy libido …
    Choreplay, brilliant! I think I’ll give a copy to my other half. Thing is, men don’t get hints. Any more than they do chores.

    • renegademama

      “ragged remnants of a once healthy libido.” Perfection.

  • shanna

    You are not alone. My other half finally got. it. If those mutant spawns of his have been fed, semi-bathed, and are dreaming up ways to destroy my house IN THEIR OWN BEDS, that mama might just give him a lil somethin somethin he likes when I get home from work. Works like a charm. I don’t have to hear any screaming & I get to pretend I 21 again & Johnny Depp is waiting to ravage me in my bedrom

    • renegademama

      OMG I forgot the “in their own beds” part. 99 percent of the time, when I come home, ALL THREE FREAKING KIDS are in our bed, snoring happily in mutant spawn heaven. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Alright it’s totally fucking precious, but there’s that moment of GOD DAMMNIT NOW I GOTTA MOVE ‘EM.

      Fucker.

  • Beth

    You are not alone, do not off yourself.

    • renegademama

      Cheers to the excellent news. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Marisa

    You had me at folded laundry.

  • Rebekah C

    Posts like this are why this is my all time favorite blog.

    • renegademama

      Thank you, Rebekah! I really appreciate it. No bullshit there.

    • Lucy

      It’s just become my fav too. Much prefer it to my own!! I have been trawling hte archives posting everything on all my friend’s and my hubby’s FB walls!

      • renegademama

        Thank you, Lucy! I appreciate it very much.

  • Leslie

    I wonder how I can slyly get my husband to read this…

    • renegademama

      the shirtless men may make it particularly complicated…

  • Stephanie

    I’ve had this same thing happen. Walk in the door and screech, “There are still dishes in the sink!?!?” They just don’t get what turns us on.

    • renegademama

      I know. And it’s so simple. DUH.

  • Allie

    Oh yeah, most definitely sexy.

    Although this afternoon my husband was helping our son eat his lunch and standing behind him, helping direct the fork to his mouth, and I wanted to jump him right then and there.

    But if he cleaned the sheets and vacuumed or cared at all about the state of the nursery drawers… whooo boy.

    • renegademama

      Oooooo, yes. That is hot. The gentle, thoughtful dad stuff. SUPER HAWT.

      but not as hot as vacuuming.

      Well, I don’t think it is. I can’t recall ever actually seeing my husband vacuum. ohmygod I’m not kidding. He’s never done it. Eleven years together!

      Holy shit that’s intense.

  • Sarah

    You are soooo not alone. Not doing what I ask, when he explicity tells me to tell him what I want done while I am away is the biggest turn-off and the quickest way to piss me off! The worst is – I work full-time away from home, his office is in our house. You think he could do dishes while he takes lunch or a break and watches ESPN!

    • renegademama

      One would think…

      but one would be wrong. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Candy

    I have flat out said to my husband, “if the kids are in bed and BATHED when I get home, I will have sex with you”. I have also offered, ummm oral favors in exchange for clean dishes. Does that make me a ho? If it does I don’t care as long as I don’t have to load the dishwasher at midnight.

    • renegademama

      THIS COMMENT WINS.

      Best shit ever. I almost spit my water out at the ho question. Wonderful.

  • Trying to not be a dick

    You know what happens when I clean up the house as a man? First it usually isn’t good enough and she has to go back and do some of it over. I guess my ‘clean enough’ is not clean enough. Then because I have spent a bunch of time cleaning up, I have neglected to shave my prickly face, something no amount of ‘choreplay’ can overcome. So what happens? I try to make sexy time happen and all I get is “Really, are you trying to grow out a beard or something?” or if she is being nice she may say “Oh what a busy day we had, good night,”
    Well hopefully now that you have put your man on blast, he will get his shit together.

    • renegademama

      You did a good job not being a dick. Yeah, I totally do that too to my husband. I bitch about him not cleaning and then when he cleans, I bitch about him not cleaning correctly. I realize this is some sort of horrid disease, but alas, we all suck in our own special ways. Good thing he doesn’t have a blog.

      I didn’t really have any malice toward the husband when I wrote this. He definitely didn’t feel “on blast” (btw, had to Google that term. FUCKING RAD new phrase. totally using it.) He laughed at the post, then told me “you’re such a bitch. you SAY you’re gonna put out, but you won’t. you’re a damn D&*$ tease.”

      Fucker.

      Thankfully he knows his wife and her blog are both one giant cauldron of sarcasm and shit-talking, and he knows I fucking adore his messy, can’t-clean-worth-shit ass, as I’ve been doing for the past 11 years, and I wouldn’t wish ONE DAY with a dude who could clean if it meant losing him. That’s where my real truth lies. I love him for – in spite of – his deficiencies, largely because my own are so glaring. Ya feel me?

      And I gotta say, I love the prickly. I mean I don’t love the way it feels on my baby ass smooth face (HAHAHAHAHA), but I love the way it looks – that rugged shadow thing. I do NOT, however, dig the overgrown mustache. Kissing hair? nope.

      Basically, women are insane. Delighted I’m not married to one. Full stop.

  • Crazed in the Kitchen

    Ha. If my husband does a load of dishes after dinner he calls it “three-out-of-fourplay” and thinks he can slack off in the bedroom later!

  • Katie Wilmot

    So great Janelle! ๐Ÿ™‚ And oh-so-true! You’ve got to check out the books they have in this same venue. My favorite it Porn for Moms–lots to do with spit up! ๐Ÿ™‚

    See you soon!
    Cheers, Katie ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama

    I fucking love you! Died laughing because it is so true. When my husband cleans the cat shit box, it means action! For reals!

  • Amy

    After laughing my a** off and thoroughly enjoying the candor of this post I am feeling extremely grateful for my husband. He does chores and I do desire him, even being a mom of five. Thank you for the reminder that I am the lucky one. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • ken

    Hey, I’m new to FB so could you guys help me?

    Am I supposed to see these pages?

    • mamatothree

      Huh?

  • Samantha

    Bahahahhahahahahah. I love your blog. My hubby always looks at me like I’m crazy when I start snort laughing randomly while staring at my phone. And my retelling of blog never does it justice. Such gold! So hilarious! The best part is they are truly clueless how feeding animals has anything to do with why they aren’t getting any. My man will be disappointed when he comes to get some cause I mentioned a few days prior I was hot for him lol.

  • Momtothree

    Btw Janelle, your captions were *loads* funnier than the ones I saw on the Amazon preview. You should seriously send some of your stuff to Hallmark (the Valentine’s cards made me die). Or an editor. You could do a porn-for-women/choreplay calendar. And I’d deffo hang one in my kitchen if I thought it would help get the dishes done …
    ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • HogsAteMySister

    Come to New Zealand.

    All men here are required by law to water rodents.

    And we all look exactly like the nekkid men above.

    We are THE perfect catch.

    Despite what they say about sheep…

  • Mad Woman behind the Blog

    A freakin MEN!
    And now I’m just gonna fixate on Brad vacuuming MY floor.
    Sorry Dad.

  • KidLit aka Tracey!

    Oh. Ma-ga! I LOVE YOU!

    This is exactly it!

    I nee my hubby to read this. And no. you are so not alone. ;0)

  • Chelsea

    This is like somebody followed me around and wrote down everything my husband & i do.

  • Anon

    I gave my husband a BJ for writing dog food on the grocery list. This seemed the appropriate venue to confess.

  • Sarah

    This is such an old post but yeeessss and I don’t even gave kids yet. Nothing ruins the mood like coming home to stuff I wish he had taken care of!

  • Damnit Dani

    One night I wasn’t feeling well so my husband did the dishes while I layed down on the couch. Then out of nowhere a big spider ran accross the living room floor and I screamed. Hubs ran into the living room wearing nothing but underwear and pink kitchen gloves (cause when hubs is at home pants are the enemy…) and killed the spider. It was the hottest thing in the history of ever and he definitely got some that night.

  • Cali the expat

    Yup. Totally agree. Instead of buff half naked firemen, someone should make a calendar of husbands doing housework, wearing gloves, butt crack shots of them on hands and knees cleaning the toilet, folding laundry and fucking putting it away! That’s the shit that turns me on these days. Never thought this would ever ring my bell, but hey, welcome to the dirty thirties! I’m newly single and it’s wonderful but scary out here. I can imagine asking some guy I’m dating if I could please watch him do the dishes, I think that might be the only way someone could get me into bed. Sad? I really don’t think so.

  • Sue

    Ohhh Mahhhh GAWD~~~ You are ALL killin’ me, I’m dyin’ laughin’ and peein’ my pants at the same time. This is the funniest (and TRUEST) one I’ve seen… The hubs in the underwear and pink gloves killing the spider was the top dog of these posts. Love all you ladies… Signed, the oldest one in the group (70 years old, but I ain’t forgot a damthing~!!)