Attention: Miserable Fat Women

by renegademama

 

Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to you. Are you offended by that?

Well then you’ve come to the wrong blog.

We like to say it like it is around here. And some of us are fat. Call it whatever gentler name you want (fluffy, overweight, bulky, weight-challenged), but the problem remains: We’re FAT.

And some of us are miserable about it. Some of us aren’t exactly “into” the way we look.

Yeah, I’m talking to you. If you’re fat and happy, I’m not talking to you.

If you’re fat and okay with it, get on with your bad self.

If you’re 3 pounds over your “goal weight,” well done, but you are so not my target audience.

I’m talking to the women who are fat and fucking miserable.

I’m talking to the ones who hate themselves for the way they eat, the ones who stare at themselves disgusted, the ones who lie down at night wondering “WHY? Why did I eat like that AGAIN? What’s wrong with me? God I hate myself.

The ones who would rather have 6 root canals than go clothes shopping. The ones who can’t sit on the floor. The ones with limited mobility (if you can’t run on the beach with your kids, if you can’t squat, you have limited mobility, baby). The ones who will fucking cut you if you take their picture. The ones who look at themselves in the mirror when nobody’s around and shake their heads in amazement, because they just can’t believe they’ve become that woman.

The fat woman.

The one who’s embarrassed to eat in public because she’s a fat person eating. The one who won’t eat junk food around others very often, because she’s always aware, aware that she’s a fat woman eating badly, and people are probably thinking “Look at her. Look at what she’s eating. No wonder she’s fat.”

GROSS.

The woman who’d rather not have sex because there’s just nothing hot about her. Or so she thinks.

The one who hates herself. The one who hates herself so much she keeps on eating. The one who can’t stop eating the foods that comfort her – in some sick cycle of self-abuse, engaging in the act that’s making her miserable.  The woman who’s so fat she doesn’t care anymore.

I’m already disgusting. Might as well keep eating.

I was that woman.

At my biggest, a few years ago, I was 255 pounds. I am 5 feet 8 inches tall. I wore a size 18.

After I had Rocket in 2005, I was about 30 pounds overweight (a good weight for my body is about 150 pounds, which is a size 8). In 2006 I went on a psych medication (trying to treat my drinking problem) that caused me to gain 70 pounds in about 5 months. The next thing I knew I was 100 pounds overweight.

I was obese.

I had never been that woman. I had always pretty much eaten what I wanted. I was able to regulate my weight with small dietary changes and a little exercise, but all the sudden I was The Fucking Fat Chick.

Everything I mentioned above was my life: the self-hatred, the disgust, the lack of sex drive, the limited mobility, the sick relationship with eating. The mind-boggling inability to change one goddamn thing about my diet.

I used to defend my fatness by telling people (and myself) about that medication, and that was true, but I was off all medications by the end of 2009. SO WHY WAS I STILL FAT?

Well, because I was eating like a fat person. I figured what the hell, I’m already gross, why not eat like a gross person? I lost a few pounds when I went off the meds, but not much. When I found out I was pregnant with Georgia I weighed 250 pounds and I fucking flipped. I COULD NOT GAIN ANY MORE WEIGHT. So I exercised and ate really well during that pregnancy, gaining only about 22 pounds.

I lost that plus about 20 more after she was born, mostly due to a uterine infection a couple days after her birth that sent me to the hospital on IV antibiotics for 3 days, plus 30 more days of antibiotics that killed my appetite. SCORE!?

But then I just hung out, fat.

I was about 230 pounds in January of 2012, when I hit what could be called my “bottom,” that point when I’m ready to change. That point when I just can’t stand myself for one more goddamn moment, when my excuses make my toes curl and my skin crawl, when I see myself for exactly what I am without any polish, and call myself out on my own bullshit.

Janelle, you’re not fat because of that medication. You’re fat because you’re eating like a goddamn fat person and not exercising and you hate yourself so you just keep on doing it.

SO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

You’re 33 years old and you’re wasting your life. There will come a time when your body will fail you. There will come a time when no matter how thin you are or how much you exercise, your joints will hurt and your bones will be weak and it will hurt to do things.

And yet here you are, wasting your body while it’s still good. When you could be vigorous and strong and free.

ONLY YOU CAN DO SOMETHING. So do something.

So at the first of the year I started swimming laps and I did the Fat Smash diet, AND I DIDN’T CHEAT. I was willing to do anything to lose that weight, to feel human again, to use my body like it was meant to be used, to feel pretty, even occasionally. To not feel like shit all the time.

And by July of 2012 I had lost 50 pounds (a total of 70 since I was at my fattest).

Now I weigh 180 pounds and wear a size 12.

I feel alive again. I can run with my kids on the damn beach. I can walk up stairs and not get winded. I can sit on the ground and get up again without struggle. I can squat (for a minute, but HEY).

But check it out: the good is the enemy of the best, and now I find myself with a WHOLE NEW SLEW OF EXCUSES keeping me from losing my last 30 pounds.

But Janelle, you’ve already lost 70 pounds. You’re good.

You look so much better than you did before.

The last 30 are so hard to lose.

Basically, because I’m not fucking miserable anymore, I think I can just hang out where I am, even though I’m not where I want to be.

And so here’s to you, ladies, the ones who are suffering, the ones who can’t stand themselves.

The miserable fat ones.

What stories are you telling yourself?

What’s keeping you from living, from becoming strong, from being where you want to be?

I’m 100% convinced  that success of my life is determined in direct proportion to my ability to see through my own bullshit, to call myself out on my own lies, to see through the fallacies I sell myself as truth.

Fuck honesty with others. That’s easy.

The hard part is honesty with myself. When nobody’s looking. When nobody’s around and I’m going through the fast-food line, or eating my third cookie, and acting like it just isn’t my fault.

Or I’ll change it tomorrow.

I swear I will.

But I lie down at night and I’ve done it again and I hate myself, for being a liar, a fake and a fraud, a damn pig.

I’m telling you all this because I’ve got to be accountable to somebody, and you all are my favorite people in the world.

This isn’t a resolution. This is a promise to stop lying to myself.

They say the truth will set you free. Maybe. I guess we’ll see.

It’s January 23, 2013. Most resolutions have died. But it’s a new year and we’ve got 11 more months to stop the bullshit that’s killing us.

What are you going to do with it?

I, for one, am going to lose 30 fucking pounds.

And now I’ve said it out loud, on the internet, where even a bull-shitter like me can’t hide.

 

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more stuff I shouldn't have said out loud:

  • Erica / Northwest Edible Life

    Good for fucking you. I could basically repeat that exact same story, except without the meds. Mostly chunky most of her life girl manages to tip past 200, then gets pregnant and hits 260 (the baby didn’t weigh 45 pounds – wtf?).

    I got very fit and thin (150 for me is very, very thin – I’m pushing 5’10″) but it was because fitness became my life for awhile, and people said things like, “Oh, but you’re naturally thin” and I thought, you have no idea how much weight I’ve put on a barbell and squatted to get this ass. I earned this ass. And then baby #2 came along and I didn’t sleep for 2 years and I got kinda depressed and couldn’t see for 2.5 months after eye muscle surgery went bad, and it all went to hell for awhile.

    But just last week, as it turns out, I hit my Sick Of This I’m 20 (30?) Pounds Overweight point and I started eating the way I know encourages weight loss and I started working out….and you know what? Why did I ever stop? That’s what I want to know. I feel so much better when I move and feed myself responsibly.

    So okay I’m gonna come back and check in on you in two weeks and you feel free to do the same to me.

    Time to make fat your bitch.

       11 likes

  • Kristen

    Way to put it out there! You can do this Janelle!

       0 likes

    • Katherine

      hi although Im not a fat person, well kind of I guess, I am 156.5lbs and 5’4, but my story is the same, I can’t stop eating, I dont know what’s wrong with me, each day I tell myself that today is the day, the day I will not stuff my face. I think the only thing that saves me is I work out all the time. otherwise I would be over 300lbs for sure .I’ve prayed to a god I not sure is listening, and I’ve cried about it, but no matter what I always go back to the fast food, and sweet. I try to be honest, and I’m trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me. for the life of me I dont know what it is. I know i’m not stupid, I know what this kind of bad food will do to my body, and health. Even when I’m food shopping I tell myself don’t get anything that’s bad for you, it’s automatic . today I went food shopping and purchased cereal, I ate the entire box like it was popcorn. I am miserable and no one knows what’s going on in my life it’s like im addicted. I feel like a big loser, not being able to control what I put into my mouth. will it ever end? thanks for listening/reading.

         1 likes

  • Kelly

    This brought tears to my eyes and tears don’t come to my eyes very often. I am a bullshit artist. I tell lies to myself all day long. Thank you for making me call myself out.

       2 likes

  • Jules

    You just made me cry….as I sit here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon. The Germans have a word for it…”Kummerspeck”, the excess weight gained from emotional overeating, the literal translation is “grief bacon.”
    I won’t bore you with the details that details that are only infinitely fascinating to me…they are no excuse.
    Thank you for the kick in the ass.

       6 likes

  • Shannah

    Ummm are you in my head?…can you read my thoughts? Holy crap. Mine was a nice case of post-partum after my third baby and we are now 5 years later and I feel like the mom in Gilbert Grape when she says “I didn’t always look this way”, and I have proof that after the other two kids I got it together but this time is a whole ‘nother story. An extra 40 lbs on a 5’4 frame is not a pretty thing. I’m with you …

       5 likes

  • Claire g

    Wow. You did it again. Took the words straight from my brain. One of the worst parts for me after gaining so much weight is knowing/thinking that all of my old friends or acquaintances look at me and think, “Boy, she really let her self go”. And getting depressed and convincing myself that I have nothing to off now that I am 40 pounds over weight…like the only thing that was ever worthwhile about myself was my “hotness”‘ and you know what else sucks balls??? The way people treat you when you are far. Screw you. Just cuz I’m a little heftier than some doesn’t mean I don’t deserve respect.
    So there. I start weight watchers February 4th.

       2 likes

  • Dana

    OMG I literally started crying as I read this. THANK YOU.

       2 likes

  • Dawn

    Isn’t it true human nature that we’re given chance after chance, hints, sign after sign to change our ways, and only when we’ve hit “rock bottom” do we find the strength to do it. And the strength was there in us the whole time but we ignored it. We watch people die of cancer, watch people get fat, get sick, and we make the same mistakes. Go get healthy woman inside and out. Thanks for sharing again. You make me feel more human and not so alone when I’m making my own way on this crazy mama path.

       1 likes

  • Dawn

    Truth!!..honesty w/self IS indeed the hardest…it’s easy 2 make excuses & get sympothy from others..feed off of. The line “well I’m not where I was …I’m not as fat as her”…blah blah & fkn blah!!meanwhile…who is miserable?! We r!!…Im a single parent homeschooling a combative autistic boy.I am CONSUMED by this…I married an abusive man TWICE. The SAME man..its their fault u know?!..is it?b/c somewhere along the way..I may not have had the choice about my child’s special needs but j DID have a choice to reject all help 2 school him..I share all this 2 point out these issues as an example of so so many excuses we can make & feel validated 2 hide under weight & eat 2 feel good (4 2 seconds!)..& blame our way into a pit!…thanx 4 the shot in the ass 2 keep on keeping on! ~•°*b well* <3

       0 likes

  • Kathy G

    Yay you! Kill it. I am way overweight. At 5’4, I am at 186 (just lost 2 lbs this week). I am wearing 14′s but they are snug, some too snug. I walk around in yoga pants most of the time. I am over 45. Will I let that be my excuse and give up since at my age I’m virtually invisible anyway? No fucking way. Those fitbits are awesome to track activity and make me get up off my fat ass. The food– I am keeping within a calorie deficit. No more banned foods. At first I joined WW but have deserted it for Leigh Peele. Check out her podcasts on iTunes (they are free). I’m tired of being dumpy. When I was younger I looked really good and no one in my family struggled with their weight. I’m not bigboned, or thyroid deficient, or a compulsive overeater. All it took was occasional emotional eating. I don’t know if I fucked up my metabolism from the heavy partying I did in my 20s or miscarriage I had in my late 20′s but I did gain and it was a little at a time–10 lbs, 15 lbs , I gained like 90 lbs when I was pregnant with my son and lost 50…. but that was 20 years ago lol Anyhow, good luck!

       1 likes

  • Melissa

    Thank you! I am in the same denial boat! I finally reached the tipping point and have been working really hard at new eating habits for a week now, have lost 5 lbs. now I’m ready to add exercise to the regimen and hope to lose 45 more lbs! Good luck to all us fat bitches, I hope we all turn into the skinny, sexy bitches we all know we are!

       0 likes

  • Marie Rossiter

    I’m right there with you. I’m on week 3 on Weight Watchers and as someone with more than 100 lbs to lose (I’m 300+ lbs), you have described me perfectly! I have tried and tried before and this time I am changing my life–not just my diet. I’m tired of hating myself and feeling disgusting and ashamed. It’s not just about what I’m eating, but why and how. I need to face all of that shit once and for all. I am a compulsive, emotional eater and I’m sick of hiding myself beneath the layers of fat. I support you 100% and wish you only the best! If you need someone to bitch to–and believe me, I know it ain’t easy, feel free to drop me an email.

       4 likes

  • Erin

    Good lord. I don’t even have words to say right now. But you can be my accountability buddy. Did I just say accountability buddy? Do I lose my cool points for that? Can we talk about this over sushi?

       1 likes

  • Momtothree

    Read this. Put on trainers. Heading out …
    Thank you.

       1 likes

  • Cat

    Wow, that really resonated with me, I am the fat chick, but I’m not going to be any more. 2013 has started off really well, I’m following a plan, I’m motivated, I’ve lost 7lbs already. I’m getting married in August and there is no god-damn way that I am going to be a fat bride! I won’t be a skinny bride, but I’ll be a hell of a lot closer to it than I am now!

    I got that point, the ultimate low, the self loathing was at its highest, I knew I couldn’t go on. The new year was the perfect time to start my new life

       1 likes

  • Katie Vyktoriah

    I was not fat until men came into my life. I was a beauty pageant queen when I was a kid, and while I put on a bit of weight as a teenager (I got big boobs early and ate to draw attention away), I lost it pretty quickly once I realised I wanted to be seen as sexy.

    When I met my ex-husband, I was 19 and 140 lbs (I’m 5’8). He told me I could do with losing 10 – 15 lbs. From that point on, I went back and forth dieting, starving myself, and binging. The weight crept on slowly but surely, and when I was 26, I was diagnosed with diabetes. I was 258 lbs. It came at the exact point where we came into a bit of money, and I immediately booked myself in for surgery. I lost 110 lbs in a year, and I left my husband 6 months later.

    When I found my now-fiance, I was the thinnest I’d ever been, exceedingly happy and really realised for the first time that being loved well comes from loving yourself well. I got pregnant with baby boy 1 within 3 months and put on 60 lbs! I lost most of it after a few months, but then because of stress and environmental factors, I put on another few lbs here and there. Last summer, we did a big international move, and I vowed to get in shape and lose the weight. I was 182 lbs and ready to tackle it. But the very day I started my new lifestyle, I found out I was pregnant again. Lol.

    I’m now 35 weeks pregnant with baby boy 2, and I’ve put on a grand total of 12 lbs. Granted, much of that is due to various medical issues, but I decided to try very hard this time to keep my weight in check so that when I am recovered from childbirth, I can hit the ground running. My motivation is easy – I will have two little boys who are FULL of energy and will need a mom who can keep up.

    Thanks for reminding me that excuses are for the weak. We all have to take accountability for our own bodies and health.

       0 likes

  • Renee'

    No truer words were spoken – especially out of my mouth. Being 58,(yes, a 58 year old grandmother of 3 boys reads your blog)I decided that if I was ever going to see my grandbabies graduate, get married and have kids of their own, I better do something to get this 5’3″ 213 pound body in better shape or I wouldn’t be around. So mid August, 2012 I started eat healthier and moving my body. I am down 35 pounds and I can’t believe how much better I feel! Granted, I have a ways to go but I have a start. I won’t ever be skinny but I will be healthy and I will not look to food for comfort. Thanks for the words – I needed to hear them again!

       0 likes

  • Janie

    read health at every size by linda bacon please.

       2 likes

  • Christy

    Your blog never fails to inspire me in some way. I love your honesty and I love that you let the rest of us “wayward mamas” know that we’re not alone. My wake up call was turning 39 last month. The reality hit me that I do not want to turn 40 being a total fat ass slob. I have also quit smoking while changing my diet and exercise habits. If I’m going to fall over that goddamn hill this year, I’m gonna be a sexy bitch while I do it!

       1 likes

  • Jamey

    Kudos ladies! For me, exercise is the one thing I do that I’m proud of because I do it for no one else but me. My job? Mostly serves other people. Wife? Not a selfish role. Mom?Seems like everything I do is about my kids sometimes. Daughter? When did I become a psuedo-parent? But exercising-that belongs to me and only me. It’s an accomplishment that’s 100% for me and by me.

       1 likes

  • Shelley

    Oh my gosh I could have written the same thing, lost 50, 30 more to go! And oh the self hatred, I can relate on so many levels.I used to look at myself in the mirror and call myself names I would not even call an enemy.
    This was so timely, I went for a run for the first time in 12 weeks! I have been making excuses after my dad died for almost a year and now I’m ready to buckle down and kick some ass! I got your back! ;)

       1 likes

  • Vicki

    Ok…now that I’ve read this, I’m totally gonna text you ALL.THE.TIME. to meet me at the gym! =) You’re gonna lose those last 30 pounds (even though I think you look fabulous!) if I have to find out where you live and personally drag you to the gym with me. Okay, in reality, you have some leeway given you’re prepping for the comprehensive exam, but come May, I will harass you constantly to join me. =)

       0 likes

  • Kate

    omg i think i’m in love with you. well, at least the way you say what is what. and i agree with all the other ladies too, you can do this at any age. I’m doing it at 59 years old, just lost forty pounds, more to come. we can do this!

       0 likes

  • Melissa

    Thank you for this. Two work trips ago, I sat next to a thin woman on a plane. She was texting about what a gross fatty I was and how miserable she was sitting next to me. I came home and cried, proceeded to eat more and got bigger. When my pants stopped fitting, I realized, yeah this isnt working for me. I am making this the year I lose weight for me- and then someday, when I see that stupid bitch again- I will get to say, you dont remember me, I was the gross fatty you sat next to on the plane that you dehumanized and guess what I lost weight, but you will always be a shitty person and you can never fix that.

       5 likes

  • Bunny

    I’m right there girlfriend…I’m a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. I smoked, snorted, drank, popped everything anyone ever put in front of me and did it every fucking day for 13-1/2 years. I’ve always struggled with my weight…always have to watch what I put in my mouth cause I can gain 10 pounds just by looking at chocolate. So when I discovered drugs (meth) it was like I’d found heaven. I got down to 128 pounds, and at 5’7″ I thought I’d arrived. Like two weeks after my thighs stopped rubbing together I got clean and sober…stayed that way since 7/21/97. Take away all that stuff, stop smoking cigarettes, add food, Starbucks, and Jamba Juice in major quantities because all of a sudden food tasted so good…then add a marriage to a great guy who thinks I’m sexy at all sizes and two kids and you’ll get me in 2008 hanging out around 240 pounds.
    What happened? After working on myself for many years through AA I actually started liking myself…I actually DON’T want to slowly kill myself with drugs or food or cigarettes. I was able in a year to get down to 170 and now am stuck…been stuck for a couple of years.
    What are my excuses?!? I look better then I did before. I lost 70 pounds already, I can get the last 20 off whenever I want, I just don’t want too. Food just tasts delish. I quit smoking pot, drinking, smoking cigarettes, snorting meth and taking RX…food is all I have left!!! The reality is, do I want it bad enough to get it off or not.
    I’m with you girl….right there. I started eating cleaner this week…and I just starteddoing the ” TurboFire” work out 6 days a week on Wednesday last week. I’ve done it 4 days and have 2 more to go. If I stay focused on all the reasons why I want to stay healthy, then I make the right choices. I’m happy to see I’m not the only one!

       0 likes

  • WorkingMommawithaBaby

    Good for you. That is such an incredible accomplishment. My mom was overweight during my entire childhood for all sorts of reasons. I hated that she missed out on so many of the adventures we had because she couldn’t do them. She hated shopping, she hid her eating, and she’d hide behind people in photos. Then, right around the time I got pregnant with my son, she said, “enough.” And through exercise and diet, she lost almost 200 ibs. She has kept it off for almost 3 years now because she wanted to do the things as a grandma that she couldn’t do as a mom. Food battles are so tough. People often don’t give credit for losing weight in healthy ways and keeping it off. You are giving your kids memories that will stay with them forever, you are giving them your ability to adventure with them.

       0 likes

  • colleen

    I would never have said it so truthfully but I was the fat girl. My big excuse was that I had my first daughter at 23 when all my friends were still skinny recent grads. I quietly told myself that they would join me when they had their kids. Well they are having kids, and they are not fat. They aren’t getting fatter every day that passes. But I was. For 8 years. So I scrounged together the money that I had sworn wasn’t there, and joined the gym. I ordered a bridesmaid dress two sizes too small so there was no way out. I signed up for an 8k after not running competitively for 13 years. Its been 6 months and I have not lost a pound but I can run three miles without sounding like a dying hippo and I can flip my dog with elegance and ease! Most importantly, the dress fits! I’m proud of myself, and that is not something I could say 6 months ago. In truth , I’m impressed.I didn’t expect so much from this fat girl. I wonder what else I can do?

       0 likes

  • Leigh

    I hit my “I have to do something about this NOW” point the same time you did, in Jan. of 2012. I lost 60lbs in 2012 doing Grain-free and low-sugar (some call it Primal, it’s like Paleo plus dairy). I’m 5’5” and weighed 198 when I started. This year I’d like to lose another 10 lbs, but really I just want to make sure that I don’t backslide. I love this nutritional approach and my whole family is on board with it too, but it is also easy for me to eat too much sugar and put on a pound or two. Weighing myself every day is really important for me; it keeps me accountable to myself.

       0 likes

  • spanishinterpreter

    I can’t help but feel it’s unfair that I have to struggle with weight. It’s always a struggle. For a while I was the victor, putting enormous effort into counting calories and exercising, and yeah I lost weight and felt great. I saw myself at 150 lbs, and felt transformed. My main thought was “Wow, look at me, I’m totally average for the first time in my life. Aliens could arrive on earth and pluck me up as a exemplary specimen of a perfectly average human female.” (Aliens would have no way of judging human beauty, so they wouldn’t be scrutinizing my figure, facial features, acne, breast shape, etc. They would just see me as a typical, regular human. Awesome!)

    Now I’ve gained back the weight I lost, and it’s shitty to be back where I started. It’s a struggle still to try to keep myself in check, and not let the situation get any worse than it already is. It’s a struggle to lie in bed at night and chastise myself for bad eating AGAIN. Or congratulate myself on one good day and pray tomorrow won’t be worse than ever (cause that’s how it usually goes, one good day followed by a day of re-donk-ulous overeating even though I want to generate positive momentum).

    Emotional eating doesn’t strike a chord with me. Because when I’m eating, I don’t feel emotional at all. Even with the help of a therapist I couldn’t tell you what feelings are driving my appetite. I feel completely numb when I overeat. It feels to me like my mind is completely blank and I’m just “hungry” for the food I want to eat. There is an emptiness in me that needs to be filled. With food. I want food. I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing as “emotional eating,” but I’m going to call it “feeding the void.”

    This whole thing is an ongoing battle for me whether I’m winning (calories counted! no cheating! feeling strong and healthy!) or losing (Why the fuck did I overeat again? Look at my body! What husband on earth is turned on by this deformed shape?). Ultimately, it’s always a struggle, and that’s what depresses me the most. There’s no equilibrium. Life is short and food is a pleasure. I want to enjoy life, and not engage in an ongoing daily struggle with food, which could/should be a simple pleasure and source of nourishment. I feel like I’m always on the losing end of this battle whether I’m fat or thin.

       0 likes

    • Knitting with Olof

      Have you gone and had blood work done? You might have a thyroid disorder.

      If it is not a thyroid disorder then that therapist needs to help you start loving you. Nothing will change until you love yourself and want to live. I’m a therapist that has gone through this myself and helped others through this.

      The key to a healthy weight is plenty of sleep, a work out you love (if you don’t love it you will not stick to it), loving you and as little stress in your life as you can manage. Baby steps are key. One small change at a time to change habits. You are making a life style change that will last forever not a quick fix because they always backfire and you end up 5 pounds heavier. Oh a good documentary to watch is Hungry for Change.

         0 likes

  • Megan

    You hooked me with the dieing to live post and then I read this. A damn shame.

       0 likes

  • Knitting with Olof

    When I lost 36 pounds before my first kid I had to use my husband as a confession booth at the end of the day. If I had a cookie and it wasn’t a cheat day then I told him about it. Every morning I would step on the scale and then come directly downstairs and tell him the exact number that was on the scale. Did he force me to do this? No. He actually found my food confessions rather amusing. Why did I do this? I needed to say these things out loud. If I was talking to a friend about my weight I would tell them exactly how much I weighed. No hiding it. Just the truth. When I started doing that I quit putting on the pounds and started loosing. I started with baby steps. The first month it was soda. I quit drinking regular soda. Lost 10 pounds. Then I quit white bread and white rice. Lost another 5 pounds. I still ate bread but just not white. Then a month after that I quit white sugar 6 days a week. That was the hardest. I gave myself one day a week so I wouldn’t loose my mind and then I was allowed to pick one thing that I craved all week and it was usually a brownie fudge sunday. Then I started running and that really helped. I was starting to love my body again before I got pregnant. Now I still have my good habits of leaving the soda alone and mostly staying away from white bread and rice but I caved on my sugar intake. I’m tubby again and having to start over. I’m going to have to start confessions again and I hate it. I have 50 pounds to loose after my 3rd child was born 4 months ago. The juicer arrived today. God help me.

       0 likes

  • Me

    This is me but I need help to push myself to do it, and not because the dickwad tells me to, but because I’d be healthier and happier. Please someone help me!

       0 likes

    • renegademama

      THIS was an awesome comment. I love it. And I understand.

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  • Margaret

    I actually read this and started to cry. Why? because i’m right there right now. as of 4 weeks ago i was at my heaviest ever. And i’m trying to make changes but its so damn hard and the whole eating thing… you are so right. G-d i’ve had those thoughts even today.

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  • Trackbacks

  • Trackback from Brutal honesty and denim - renegade mothering
    Wednesday, 30 January, 2013

    [...] bend over, since my underwear aren’t the grandma kind (if ya know what I mean). And, if you read my last post, you know I have NO BUSINESS WHATSOEVER wearing non-grandma underwear. But I do anyway, because I [...]

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