How to get unfriended on Facebook…

by renegademama

I’m writing this post because I’m a bad person.

And this list is not comprehensive.

Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s get to it…

How to get unfriended on Facebook…or at least annoy the living shit out of people.

  1. Post more than 5 times a day. If possible, give us a run-down of where you’re going, especially if it involves running errands. Because that is really interesting stuff that people want to read (dude WAH?): “Going to post office;” “Headed to the park!”; “getting my nails done!”; “leaving work. TGIF!”
  2. Write about your cat. Sorry, but nobody gives a shit. If your cat dies, that’s sad. You should post that. If your cat vomits on your face, that’s interesting and you should definitely post that. But if your cat is just cute and you feel like sharing, or it has feline behavioral problems (oh yeah, they exist) or the sniffles, you should not write about that because I’m pretty sure about 1% of the population gives a shit, and those are really poor odds.
  3. Call your pet your “baby.” Your pet is not your baby. Even if it’s a puppy, or a kitten, it’s not your baby. I know this for a fact because the last time I left my actual baby outside with a bowl of water, some food and a scratching post, I got in BIG trouble.
  4. Try to sound smart. Say profound stuff. Talk about your graduate degrees. Impress us with your stunning intellect and piercing creativity by dropping quotes of obscure philosophers and applying them to your daily life. Because we are impressed. Because everybody appreciates your insights. Fucktard.
  5. Post inspirational quotes and cute, happy little sayings about friendship, flowers, love, looking on the bright side, new doors opening and other such ridiculous meaningless feel-good crap. Use smiley faces and exclamation points. A lot! 🙂
  6. Play Farmville. Send requests to people who don’t play.
  7. Use your relationship status as a retaliatory tool against your partner. Perhaps you think we don’t notice that you go from “married” to “single” to “in a relationship” 5-7 times a year, sometimes within the same month. But we do notice. We do. And every time we see it, we think you’re an idiot and wish you’d figure your shit out once and for all so we can finally stop reading about it.
  8. Post a lot of pictures of yourself. Post a lot of pictures of yourself all dressed up, in cool, exotic, fancy places – and make sure you are the only person in each photo. In each picture, make the exact same “I’m hot” face and if you’re a female, show cleavage. Tilt your head down and slightly to the left. Have a small lock of hair fall strategically over one eye. Look coy. Repeat.
  9. Post politically charged, highly controversial statements that trigger raging arguments between 300 idiots on Facebook who don’t know each other or anything about the topic at hand. Say things like “keep your laws out of my uterus” or “the institution of marriage is sacred and it’s between man and woman” or “Go Dodgers!” or “I think breastfeeding in public should be a felony!”
  10. Whine. Tell us how much your life sucks. Go on and on about it. Lay it on thick. Use Facebook as a virtual, one-sided therapist. And one of these days, after we put away our violins and inspirational quotes, we’ll tell you to get the fuck off Facebook and go change things if you’re so damn unhappy. Or, if we’re more the passive aggressive type, we’ll just unfriend you, then claim we had no idea what happened.

I wonder if calling people out on the annoying shit they do is a way to get unfriended on Facebook? I hope not. Cause that would hurt my feelings. And then I’d have to whine. And we all know how that goes.

Happy Friday! TGIF! 🙂

yep. pretty much.

more stuff I shouldn't have said out loud:

  • Kimberly

    11. A continuation of #3, but this deserves its own point: refer to your pet as your FURBABY.
    12. Don’t EVER write anything. EVER. Or post photos. Because then I’m forced to believe that you’re just stalking me. Dude, I have a blog if that’s your goal. FB is for my friends.
    13. Post incessant bible verses or messages from God. Last I checked, God doesn’t communicate via the Interwebs.

    • renegademama

      DOH!!! FURBABY!! BUAHhahahahaha! You killed me with that one. I busted out laughing and keep laughing every time I think about it (even at the risk of waking the sleeping infant). I forgot about that one! Fucking furbaby!

      “Mama of three furbabies!”

      I’ve got a damn furbaby for you.

      HA!

      • Erin

        The word “furbaby” makes me gag

  • Stacey

    I also hate when people post those super-long “copy and paste if you’ve lost someone to cancer/your mom is awesome/you know a child with disabilities” type messages.

    Of course, who am I to talk? I totally post pictures of my cat.

    • renegademama

      Oh, those are indeed bad. Forgot about those! As if that’s an effective method of bringing about change. I should create one…”Copy and paste this if you know an asshat on Facebook.” Etc.
      I’ve seen a pretty funny one of those, basically “if you know somebody,” then lists like 50 totally harmless conditions. Pretty funny.

      And there are cat people in the world. And I don’t mind a couple pictures. It’s more the incessant discussion of feline companions that kills me. I mean seriously.

      Plus, the MOST annoying FB habit is talking unceasingly about one’s children. But I do that. So I left it off. Anyway it’s probably cute when I do it.

      (smile)

  • Casey

    Firstly- I don’t know why I have this awful user pic from 3 yrs ago, haha.
    Anyway….Can I add one? Don’t post an update in quotes and then sign your name. Like: “Trees are Mother Nature’s answer to the glaring brightness of the sun”- Mrs. Miscellanea.
    Who quotes themselves? I’m pretty sure if you’re typing it in your damn status update that I already KNOW you’re the one who thought the stupid thing up.
    I agree of the baby/pet thing. GAG.
    Also: Poetry. Just NO.

  • Erin

    Umm, is there anything left to post?’

    Haha!!

    I hate the people who post MANY pictures and videos of their kids every.single.day. Facebook is not your scrapbook. I don’t need to see all 304 photos you took last Tuesday (and Wednesday, Thursday, etc…) A couple per week will do.

    • renegademama

      YES AND YES> once, in a moment of silliness, I realized I posted an album of like 400 photos of our summer adventures, which mainly consisted of blow up pools in the front yard and sprinklers. I didn’t think much about it until a couple months later when I saw it again and realized I had become one of THOSE mothers. So I deleted a bunch. I believe it’s still around 200, but one can’t expect miracles.

      Now I abide by the idea that 10 is the magic photo number, but only if you’re someplace interesting. Otherwise it’s like 5. I Love that you’re “here” by the way.

  • Christina

    I think you have seen my live feed.

    Another really annoying FB status; All of the wonderful great things that happen in my wonderfully charmed and rich life. How lucky I am and how my life is a fairy tale. (for example, just bought a new house in Land Park; My husband just revived a pay increase and now we are a six figure family; I am so angry b/c my Infinite is in the shop and I have to drive my old 2009 Lexus ={; Here are pics of my new kitchen remodel notice the sub zero. )

    Yeah, I’m bitter. So what.

  • jillsmo

    I “liked” this. Is that ironic?

    Yes?

    Awesome.

  • Vanessa

    So true. Stupid comments on status updates are equally annoying. A friend of a friend mentioned getting her baby vaccinated, not in any controversial way, and sparked a debate on vaccines that turned very ugly. I’m talking I hope your kid gets autism so you know what it’s like ugly.

    Oh, and furbaby? SO creepy. I haven’t seen that one. Those must be the people who push their dogs around in doggy strollers.

    Anyway, thanks for the laugh!

  • Shan

    Dude, were you looking at my facebook friends? WTH?!

  • Princess

    Amen. I hide people and unfriend at the drop of dime on my personal FB page. Also, the sex face bathroom poses are getting out of control. Am I the only one judging their dirty mirrors? Oh, and I could totally do without the daily Bible passages.

    Howevercomma I have unfriended my husband 3 times. The first time it was a joke. The second he was being an ass, and I thought it would be funny (turns out it was hysterically funny). The third was over a romantic comedy movie. I have never in those three unfriendings intended for a divorce. I just like to unfriend him for some very odd and dramatic reason. All three times, he sent a friend request with a message like, “are you done being fucking crazy?” To which I always reply– Never and I let him back on. I guess I didn’t realize how although my friends know that I’m totally messing with him and being silly, his friends do not know that about me. So they think our marriage is on the rocks. lol. So no more unfriending for silly purposes.

    • Gina

      NO you are not the only one looking at their dirty mirrors… I also hate looking at a dirty house (by no means is mine perfect) but geez at least do a background check before you post, hell crop the photo if your just to fucking lazy to clean!!

      Dirty kids have to be my biggest pet peeve – I hate seeing dirty faces and clothes on greasy hair little kids (poor things look like they have never seen a tub) I know kids can be messy I have 2 – but does every picture u post have look like your kids are homeless. If they are eating and are covered in food might be cute, but 3 hours later and still covered in food is disgusting, same goes with mud and dirt 🙂

      • renegademama

        snotty nosed kids. the worst.

        and then, they play in the dirt and the dirt mixes with the snot. you know you’ve seen it at the park. I just want to get a wet washcloth and go to town on them!!

  • Cindy

    Another favourite is something I have heard described as “Vaguebooking”. People will say something like “Had the worst day ever”, but won’t provide details. This of course prompts the Facebook world to say “Awww muffin, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” If you aren’t going tell us what was so crappy about your day in the first place, don’t post it. Are you just seeking attention from the 500 people (or more in some cases) in your friends list who know you intimately? (see Janelle’s previous discussion about sarcasm if necessary). !!!!! 🙂 🙂

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