Welcome to wtf? Wednesday, when we contemplate and appreciate the verbal whack flowing from the mouths of babes. Or the brilliance. Depending.
To start, I thought y’all might like to read the two emails Ava wrote her daddy while in Europe. (Yeah, she didn’t write me an email, probably because she hates me because I’m a bad mother and, for the betterment of my offspring (and possibly the world), I should crawl into a cave with astronaut food and a lifetime supply of Jack Daniels. And just stay there.) Wait a minute. Why doesn’t that sound bad to me?.
Anyhoo, here you go…
Saturday, April 16 (Note: “M.B.” stands for “Midnight Bok Choy,” which is the kids’ rabbit’s name. ‘Midnight’ because he’s all black. ‘Bok Choy’ because (evidently) he likes bok choy, though to my knowledge he’s never actually EATEN bok choy. The kids though are sure he likes it. It’s all something of a mystery.)
I miss you so much. I wish you were here. You would love it. Did M.B. really have babies? I know that she had babies because I just read your letter about 5 minutes ago. Have you guys named them yet? Has Georgia started crawling yet? Has Rocket been getting into my stuff? If he has tell him I miss him and if he hasn’t tell him I miss him even more. Auntie Molly’s kitty has still not been named but they are thinking about something like T-Rex or Warrior Princess. Email back if you think you have a good name. The other day she climbed to the 3rd step! Well I’ve got to go, Cedric and I are going to a science museum pretty soon! Just remember I miss you so much. I’ll call you later. 🙂
Love, Ava G. M.”
Monday, April 18
Hi Daddy, We came back from Paris à day earlyier than our travel itinary said. So I didn’t get to eat toasted chessnuts over the bridge.:( Our second day was jam packed. We went in and out of shops like my letter said but we didn’t get any cheese:(. I miss you guys so much!!!! This computer is driving me crazy! Because its made for French and every single word that sounds like à French word they say its spelled wrong! And then some times without asking me it just changes word so if theres à French word in here and its something bad please don’t get annoyed its this darn computer. I love you so much!
Your daughter, Ava G. M.
(I love that… “if I inadvertently swear at you in French, it totally wasn’t my fault.” Classic.)
The other night as I was lying in bed with Rocket, getting ready to read him a story, he says “When you read this to me, I’ll listen nicely. I won’t mess with you the way I mess with my teachers.”
And a conversation we had just this morning, while I was in my bathroom getting ready for work…
Ava: “What’s the difference between a physicist and a psychiatrist?”
Me: “One studies physics and the other studies the human mind.”
Ava: “Oh. Why does ‘ph’ make an ‘f’ sound in English?”
Me: “Because English is confusing.”
Ava: “Yeah. So is mustard.”
(I looked at her at this point in a bit of shock, due to the incongruity of that statement, thinking she must be joking. She was not joking. She was dead serious. I considered asking her to clarify what she meant, but chose instead to just let it be. Some things are just too awesome to mess with. (I was thinking that could have been a dialogue out of some post-modernist, absurdist play. Beckett would love that shit.)
Happy wtf? Wednesday!