Slacker Resolutions 2012

by Janelle Hanchett


I went to the gym today. I know. How clichéd – going to the gym on freaking January 2. There were like 17 billion people there, all of them looking super interested and impressed with themselves. I know I was.


New Year’s Resolutions.

I also went to the grocery store, where there was an inordinate number of people in the vegetable aisle.


I think not.

And I totally get it. I fall into the New Year’s Resolution trap. It feels all fresh and new and possible, you know, to start a new way of living, abandon old habits or take on new ones or get skinny or rich or married or whatever.

So as I mentioned yesterday, I’ve decided to jot down a few of my resolutions for 2012. Though I’ve called it Slacker Resolutions 2012, it could also be entitled “The Aim Low List”, or “I’m never going to do any of this shit anyway so let’s set low expectations to avoid excessive disappointment.”

To get my mind rolling, I Googled “most common New Year’s resolutions” and pulled the top 10. Then I modified them a bit, you know, to fit.


Resolution 1: Spend more time with family and friends.

Slacker modification: Stop telling my husband I want a divorce every time we fight.


Resolution 2: Eat healthier food.

Slacker modification: Stop eating chocolate in the middle of the night.


Resolution 3: Exercise.

Slacker modification: Park in the far-away spot immediately, as opposed to circling the lot 9 times hoping a closer one opens up.


Resolution 4: Enjoy life more/be less stressed

Slacker modification: Stop saying “fuck” so often in front of the children.


Resolution 5: Quit drinking.

Slacker modification: Buahahahahaha already did that one.


Resolution 6: Get out of debt.

Slacker modification:  Demand that my husband handle that whole debt situation immediately. If not sooner.


Resolution 7: Learn something new.

Slacker modification: Complete one craft.


Resolution 8: Travel to new places.

Slacker modification: Order something new at the taco truck.


Resolution 9: Help others/volunteer.

Slacker modification: Huh?


Resolution 10: Get organized.

Slacker modification: Stop basing laundry decisions on how many pairs of clean underwear are in my drawer.


I don’t know, but I think this is a pretty solid list.

Slightly unrealistic (particularly the not saying fuck one), but still, pretty solid.

And you? What are your slacker resolutions?

No really, do tell.

This could get good.

  • Bliar

    In reference to number 9, I once tried to get out of a ticket for not having a permit on east bay MUD land by arguing that I was a high school teacher and did enough community service and so should not have to do any hours community service hours. The judge didn’t buy it and I had to pay a $125 dollar fine. Point being you probably already do enough, at least in my mind.

    • renegademama

      I’m gonna be honest. I find that vaguely comforting. I do.

      And there are no words to express my adoration of you for attempting that argument.

      The judge is clearly a fucktard.

  • Rebekah C

    I really liked #1. I think I’ll stick with that one for the time being, lol. Oh and #4. I’ve got a 4yo with the most adorable potty mouth ever. It only comes out during video games but still…

  • Kateri Von Steal


  • Jennifer

    Number 8 rocks. Enough said.

  • Mariah

    Never been big on resolutions because everyone gets so amped and then two weeks later, new years what? So last year I vowed to do something I knew would make me happier in the long run and something that seemed like an attainable goal. I have to tell you, I liked it so much, it’s my resolution this year as well. Resolution: eat more chocolate. Done and done.

  • Julie

    I agree. Gotta love #8! I try not to make resolutions for the obvious reason of being disappointed when I don’t make it happen. I would much rather read everyone elses or check in with you to see how yours are going 😉 happy new year!!

  • Shan

    I love that you didn’t even come up with your own list of resolutions. Slacker indeed!

  • Brandon

    Resolution: Read more

    Slacker modification: Turn the closed captioning and english subtitles on during the various TV shows I watch

  • Karen Hug-Nagy

    #1 and #4, funny, my 80 year old Mom and I cuss like sailors! LOL!

  • Sara

    Resolution: Organize and do full house cleaning

    Slacker Resolution: Get garbage to the end of the road on garbage day

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