Attention: Miserable Fat Women

by renegademama


Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to you. Are you offended by that?

Well then you’ve come to the wrong blog.

We like to say it like it is around here. And some of us are fat. Call it whatever gentler name you want (fluffy, overweight, bulky, weight-challenged), but the problem remains: We’re FAT.

And some of us are miserable about it. Some of us aren’t exactly “into” the way we look.

Yeah, I’m talking to you. If you’re fat and happy, I’m not talking to you.

If you’re fat and okay with it, get on with your bad self.

If you’re 3 pounds over your “goal weight,” well done, but you are so not my target audience.

I’m talking to the women who are fat and fucking miserable.

I’m talking to the ones who hate themselves for the way they eat, the ones who stare at themselves disgusted, the ones who lie down at night wondering “WHY? Why did I eat like that AGAIN? What’s wrong with me? God I hate myself.

The ones who would rather have 6 root canals than go clothes shopping. The ones who can’t sit on the floor. The ones with limited mobility (if you can’t run on the beach with your kids, if you can’t squat, you have limited mobility, baby). The ones who will fucking cut you if you take their picture. The ones who look at themselves in the mirror when nobody’s around and shake their heads in amazement, because they just can’t believe they’ve become that woman.

The fat woman.

The one who’s embarrassed to eat in public because she’s a fat person eating. The one who won’t eat junk food around others very often, because she’s always aware, aware that she’s a fat woman eating badly, and people are probably thinking “Look at her. Look at what she’s eating. No wonder she’s fat.”


The woman who’d rather not have sex because there’s just nothing hot about her. Or so she thinks.

The one who hates herself. The one who hates herself so much she keeps on eating. The one who can’t stop eating the foods that comfort her – in some sick cycle of self-abuse, engaging in the act that’s making her miserable.  The woman who’s so fat she doesn’t care anymore.

I’m already disgusting. Might as well keep eating.

I was that woman.

At my biggest, a few years ago, I was 255 pounds. I am 5 feet 8 inches tall. I wore a size 18.

After I had Rocket in 2005, I was about 30 pounds overweight (a good weight for my body is about 150 pounds, which is a size 8). In 2006 I went on a psych medication (trying to treat my drinking problem) that caused me to gain 70 pounds in about 5 months. The next thing I knew I was 100 pounds overweight.

I was obese.

I had never been that woman. I had always pretty much eaten what I wanted. I was able to regulate my weight with small dietary changes and a little exercise, but all the sudden I was The Fucking Fat Chick.

Everything I mentioned above was my life: the self-hatred, the disgust, the lack of sex drive, the limited mobility, the sick relationship with eating. The mind-boggling inability to change one goddamn thing about my diet.

I used to defend my fatness by telling people (and myself) about that medication, and that was true, but I was off all medications by the end of 2009. SO WHY WAS I STILL FAT?

Well, because I was eating like a fat person. I figured what the hell, I’m already gross, why not eat like a gross person? I lost a few pounds when I went off the meds, but not much. When I found out I was pregnant with Georgia I weighed 250 pounds and I fucking flipped. I COULD NOT GAIN ANY MORE WEIGHT. So I exercised and ate really well during that pregnancy, gaining only about 22 pounds.

I lost that plus about 20 more after she was born, mostly due to a uterine infection a couple days after her birth that sent me to the hospital on IV antibiotics for 3 days, plus 30 more days of antibiotics that killed my appetite. SCORE!?

But then I just hung out, fat.

I was about 230 pounds in January of 2012, when I hit what could be called my “bottom,” that point when I’m ready to change. That point when I just can’t stand myself for one more goddamn moment, when my excuses make my toes curl and my skin crawl, when I see myself for exactly what I am without any polish, and call myself out on my own bullshit.

Janelle, you’re not fat because of that medication. You’re fat because you’re eating like a goddamn fat person and not exercising and you hate yourself so you just keep on doing it.


You’re 33 years old and you’re wasting your life. There will come a time when your body will fail you. There will come a time when no matter how thin you are or how much you exercise, your joints will hurt and your bones will be weak and it will hurt to do things.

And yet here you are, wasting your body while it’s still good. When you could be vigorous and strong and free.


So at the first of the year I started swimming laps and I did the Fat Smash diet, AND I DIDN’T CHEAT. I was willing to do anything to lose that weight, to feel human again, to use my body like it was meant to be used, to feel pretty, even occasionally. To not feel like shit all the time.

And by July of 2012 I had lost 50 pounds (a total of 70 since I was at my fattest).

Now I weigh 180 pounds and wear a size 12.

I feel alive again. I can run with my kids on the damn beach. I can walk up stairs and not get winded. I can sit on the ground and get up again without struggle. I can squat (for a minute, but HEY).

But check it out: the good is the enemy of the best, and now I find myself with a WHOLE NEW SLEW OF EXCUSES keeping me from losing my last 30 pounds.

But Janelle, you’ve already lost 70 pounds. You’re good.

You look so much better than you did before.

The last 30 are so hard to lose.

Basically, because I’m not fucking miserable anymore, I think I can just hang out where I am, even though I’m not where I want to be.

And so here’s to you, ladies, the ones who are suffering, the ones who can’t stand themselves.

The miserable fat ones.

What stories are you telling yourself?

What’s keeping you from living, from becoming strong, from being where you want to be?

I’m 100% convinced  that success of my life is determined in direct proportion to my ability to see through my own bullshit, to call myself out on my own lies, to see through the fallacies I sell myself as truth.

Fuck honesty with others. That’s easy.

The hard part is honesty with myself. When nobody’s looking. When nobody’s around and I’m going through the fast-food line, or eating my third cookie, and acting like it just isn’t my fault.

Or I’ll change it tomorrow.

I swear I will.

But I lie down at night and I’ve done it again and I hate myself, for being a liar, a fake and a fraud, a damn pig.

I’m telling you all this because I’ve got to be accountable to somebody, and you all are my favorite people in the world.

This isn’t a resolution. This is a promise to stop lying to myself.

They say the truth will set you free. Maybe. I guess we’ll see.

It’s January 23, 2013. Most resolutions have died. But it’s a new year and we’ve got 11 more months to stop the bullshit that’s killing us.

What are you going to do with it?

I, for one, am going to lose 30 fucking pounds.

And now I’ve said it out loud, on the internet, where even a bull-shitter like me can’t hide.


  • Erica / Northwest Edible Life

    Good for fucking you. I could basically repeat that exact same story, except without the meds. Mostly chunky most of her life girl manages to tip past 200, then gets pregnant and hits 260 (the baby didn’t weigh 45 pounds – wtf?).

    I got very fit and thin (150 for me is very, very thin – I’m pushing 5’10”) but it was because fitness became my life for awhile, and people said things like, “Oh, but you’re naturally thin” and I thought, you have no idea how much weight I’ve put on a barbell and squatted to get this ass. I earned this ass. And then baby #2 came along and I didn’t sleep for 2 years and I got kinda depressed and couldn’t see for 2.5 months after eye muscle surgery went bad, and it all went to hell for awhile.

    But just last week, as it turns out, I hit my Sick Of This I’m 20 (30?) Pounds Overweight point and I started eating the way I know encourages weight loss and I started working out….and you know what? Why did I ever stop? That’s what I want to know. I feel so much better when I move and feed myself responsibly.

    So okay I’m gonna come back and check in on you in two weeks and you feel free to do the same to me.

    Time to make fat your bitch.

    • DENISE Jones

      This is just what I needed to hear. I’ve been battling my weight for years and losing the most I ever dropped is 33lbs and then plataued so I gave up fear of failure has been my theme song for way too long time to change it up. Feeling inspired.

  • Kristen

    Way to put it out there! You can do this Janelle!

    • Katherine

      hi although Im not a fat person, well kind of I guess, I am 156.5lbs and 5’4, but my story is the same, I can’t stop eating, I dont know what’s wrong with me, each day I tell myself that today is the day, the day I will not stuff my face. I think the only thing that saves me is I work out all the time. otherwise I would be over 300lbs for sure .I’ve prayed to a god I not sure is listening, and I’ve cried about it, but no matter what I always go back to the fast food, and sweet. I try to be honest, and I’m trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me. for the life of me I dont know what it is. I know i’m not stupid, I know what this kind of bad food will do to my body, and health. Even when I’m food shopping I tell myself don’t get anything that’s bad for you, it’s automatic . today I went food shopping and purchased cereal, I ate the entire box like it was popcorn. I am miserable and no one knows what’s going on in my life it’s like im addicted. I feel like a big loser, not being able to control what I put into my mouth. will it ever end? thanks for listening/reading.

      • Megan

        Check out Overeaters Anonymous. It saved my life.

      • Tamara

        I know this is been a while ago but I just found this tonight. Pretty much covers everything I feel about myself. So you stood up for yourself and you’ve lost most of the weight maybe all of it by now. But it sounds like the self-loathing goes on and on.

        • Monica

          I feel the same that everyone here. Is overwhelming and right now I’m so tired to do something, feels like is not worth it, like im never going to be that healthy weight person. Diets are worthless and a dead end. I feel like a dog chasing his tail. Is not a place to go I feel horrible with me because the way I treat my self.
          I can get out I just don’t now how to stop the auto sabotage.

  • Kelly

    This brought tears to my eyes and tears don’t come to my eyes very often. I am a bullshit artist. I tell lies to myself all day long. Thank you for making me call myself out.

  • Jules

    You just made me cry….as I sit here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon. The Germans have a word for it…”Kummerspeck”, the excess weight gained from emotional overeating, the literal translation is “grief bacon.”
    I won’t bore you with the details that details that are only infinitely fascinating to me…they are no excuse.
    Thank you for the kick in the ass.

    • thingsfallapart

      Kummerspeck – best word ever!

    • Kari Dwight Niedens

      You guys have me crying and laughing. Grief bacon??!! Omg

  • Shannah

    Ummm are you in my head?…can you read my thoughts? Holy crap. Mine was a nice case of post-partum after my third baby and we are now 5 years later and I feel like the mom in Gilbert Grape when she says “I didn’t always look this way”, and I have proof that after the other two kids I got it together but this time is a whole ‘nother story. An extra 40 lbs on a 5’4 frame is not a pretty thing. I’m with you …

  • Claire g

    Wow. You did it again. Took the words straight from my brain. One of the worst parts for me after gaining so much weight is knowing/thinking that all of my old friends or acquaintances look at me and think, “Boy, she really let her self go”. And getting depressed and convincing myself that I have nothing to off now that I am 40 pounds over weight…like the only thing that was ever worthwhile about myself was my “hotness”‘ and you know what else sucks balls??? The way people treat you when you are far. Screw you. Just cuz I’m a little heftier than some doesn’t mean I don’t deserve respect.
    So there. I start weight watchers February 4th.

  • Dana

    OMG I literally started crying as I read this. THANK YOU.

  • Dawn

    Isn’t it true human nature that we’re given chance after chance, hints, sign after sign to change our ways, and only when we’ve hit “rock bottom” do we find the strength to do it. And the strength was there in us the whole time but we ignored it. We watch people die of cancer, watch people get fat, get sick, and we make the same mistakes. Go get healthy woman inside and out. Thanks for sharing again. You make me feel more human and not so alone when I’m making my own way on this crazy mama path.

  • Dawn

    Truth!!..honesty w/self IS indeed the hardest…it’s easy 2 make excuses & get sympothy from others..feed off of. The line “well I’m not where I was …I’m not as fat as her”…blah blah & fkn blah!!meanwhile…who is miserable?! We r!!…Im a single parent homeschooling a combative autistic boy.I am CONSUMED by this…I married an abusive man TWICE. The SAME man..its their fault u know?! it?b/c somewhere along the way..I may not have had the choice about my child’s special needs but j DID have a choice to reject all help 2 school him..I share all this 2 point out these issues as an example of so so many excuses we can make & feel validated 2 hide under weight & eat 2 feel good (4 2 seconds!)..& blame our way into a pit!…thanx 4 the shot in the ass 2 keep on keeping on! ~•°*b well* <3

  • Kathy G

    Yay you! Kill it. I am way overweight. At 5’4, I am at 186 (just lost 2 lbs this week). I am wearing 14’s but they are snug, some too snug. I walk around in yoga pants most of the time. I am over 45. Will I let that be my excuse and give up since at my age I’m virtually invisible anyway? No fucking way. Those fitbits are awesome to track activity and make me get up off my fat ass. The food– I am keeping within a calorie deficit. No more banned foods. At first I joined WW but have deserted it for Leigh Peele. Check out her podcasts on iTunes (they are free). I’m tired of being dumpy. When I was younger I looked really good and no one in my family struggled with their weight. I’m not bigboned, or thyroid deficient, or a compulsive overeater. All it took was occasional emotional eating. I don’t know if I fucked up my metabolism from the heavy partying I did in my 20s or miscarriage I had in my late 20’s but I did gain and it was a little at a time–10 lbs, 15 lbs , I gained like 90 lbs when I was pregnant with my son and lost 50…. but that was 20 years ago lol Anyhow, good luck!

  • Melissa

    Thank you! I am in the same denial boat! I finally reached the tipping point and have been working really hard at new eating habits for a week now, have lost 5 lbs. now I’m ready to add exercise to the regimen and hope to lose 45 more lbs! Good luck to all us fat bitches, I hope we all turn into the skinny, sexy bitches we all know we are!

  • Marie Rossiter

    I’m right there with you. I’m on week 3 on Weight Watchers and as someone with more than 100 lbs to lose (I’m 300+ lbs), you have described me perfectly! I have tried and tried before and this time I am changing my life–not just my diet. I’m tired of hating myself and feeling disgusting and ashamed. It’s not just about what I’m eating, but why and how. I need to face all of that shit once and for all. I am a compulsive, emotional eater and I’m sick of hiding myself beneath the layers of fat. I support you 100% and wish you only the best! If you need someone to bitch to–and believe me, I know it ain’t easy, feel free to drop me an email.

  • Erin

    Good lord. I don’t even have words to say right now. But you can be my accountability buddy. Did I just say accountability buddy? Do I lose my cool points for that? Can we talk about this over sushi?

  • Momtothree

    Read this. Put on trainers. Heading out …
    Thank you.

    • paula

      Not a mother at all (55, will never be a mother). Just noticed I’m spreading rapidly around the middle. Not good. Not much going for me but I might as well try to at least stay reasonably presentable (for my age). Thanks for the kick up the butt.

  • Cat

    Wow, that really resonated with me, I am the fat chick, but I’m not going to be any more. 2013 has started off really well, I’m following a plan, I’m motivated, I’ve lost 7lbs already. I’m getting married in August and there is no god-damn way that I am going to be a fat bride! I won’t be a skinny bride, but I’ll be a hell of a lot closer to it than I am now!

    I got that point, the ultimate low, the self loathing was at its highest, I knew I couldn’t go on. The new year was the perfect time to start my new life

  • Katie Vyktoriah

    I was not fat until men came into my life. I was a beauty pageant queen when I was a kid, and while I put on a bit of weight as a teenager (I got big boobs early and ate to draw attention away), I lost it pretty quickly once I realised I wanted to be seen as sexy.

    When I met my ex-husband, I was 19 and 140 lbs (I’m 5’8). He told me I could do with losing 10 – 15 lbs. From that point on, I went back and forth dieting, starving myself, and binging. The weight crept on slowly but surely, and when I was 26, I was diagnosed with diabetes. I was 258 lbs. It came at the exact point where we came into a bit of money, and I immediately booked myself in for surgery. I lost 110 lbs in a year, and I left my husband 6 months later.

    When I found my now-fiance, I was the thinnest I’d ever been, exceedingly happy and really realised for the first time that being loved well comes from loving yourself well. I got pregnant with baby boy 1 within 3 months and put on 60 lbs! I lost most of it after a few months, but then because of stress and environmental factors, I put on another few lbs here and there. Last summer, we did a big international move, and I vowed to get in shape and lose the weight. I was 182 lbs and ready to tackle it. But the very day I started my new lifestyle, I found out I was pregnant again. Lol.

    I’m now 35 weeks pregnant with baby boy 2, and I’ve put on a grand total of 12 lbs. Granted, much of that is due to various medical issues, but I decided to try very hard this time to keep my weight in check so that when I am recovered from childbirth, I can hit the ground running. My motivation is easy – I will have two little boys who are FULL of energy and will need a mom who can keep up.

    Thanks for reminding me that excuses are for the weak. We all have to take accountability for our own bodies and health.

  • Renee'

    No truer words were spoken – especially out of my mouth. Being 58,(yes, a 58 year old grandmother of 3 boys reads your blog)I decided that if I was ever going to see my grandbabies graduate, get married and have kids of their own, I better do something to get this 5’3″ 213 pound body in better shape or I wouldn’t be around. So mid August, 2012 I started eat healthier and moving my body. I am down 35 pounds and I can’t believe how much better I feel! Granted, I have a ways to go but I have a start. I won’t ever be skinny but I will be healthy and I will not look to food for comfort. Thanks for the words – I needed to hear them again!

  • Janie

    read health at every size by linda bacon please.

    • Kristen

      Thank you for bringing this up!!!

  • Christy

    Your blog never fails to inspire me in some way. I love your honesty and I love that you let the rest of us “wayward mamas” know that we’re not alone. My wake up call was turning 39 last month. The reality hit me that I do not want to turn 40 being a total fat ass slob. I have also quit smoking while changing my diet and exercise habits. If I’m going to fall over that goddamn hill this year, I’m gonna be a sexy bitch while I do it!

  • Jamey

    Kudos ladies! For me, exercise is the one thing I do that I’m proud of because I do it for no one else but me. My job? Mostly serves other people. Wife? Not a selfish role. Mom?Seems like everything I do is about my kids sometimes. Daughter? When did I become a psuedo-parent? But exercising-that belongs to me and only me. It’s an accomplishment that’s 100% for me and by me.

  • Shelley

    Oh my gosh I could have written the same thing, lost 50, 30 more to go! And oh the self hatred, I can relate on so many levels.I used to look at myself in the mirror and call myself names I would not even call an enemy.
    This was so timely, I went for a run for the first time in 12 weeks! I have been making excuses after my dad died for almost a year and now I’m ready to buckle down and kick some ass! I got your back! 😉

  • Vicki

    Ok…now that I’ve read this, I’m totally gonna text you ALL.THE.TIME. to meet me at the gym! =) You’re gonna lose those last 30 pounds (even though I think you look fabulous!) if I have to find out where you live and personally drag you to the gym with me. Okay, in reality, you have some leeway given you’re prepping for the comprehensive exam, but come May, I will harass you constantly to join me. =)

  • Kate

    omg i think i’m in love with you. well, at least the way you say what is what. and i agree with all the other ladies too, you can do this at any age. I’m doing it at 59 years old, just lost forty pounds, more to come. we can do this!

    • Shirley Mundell

      I’m 60 years old and gained 30 lbs over the last 2-3 years. I truly don’t overeat and I workout regularly. But in around 4-5months I haven’t lost even I lb. I do hate myself and life in general because of the. Weight gain. I’m 5’4 and way 150. I’ve always been around 115-120 Lbs. I was a happy person then. Was married for 30 years and my husband came home one day and said e wanted a divorce. I was shocked to say the least. He was remarried within one year. Believe it or not we’re actually still friends. I’m living with someone I hate at times, but other times I think I’ll hang around. He is a bodybuilder and thinks he is the best looking guy anywhere. He always talks about his self but never about me. He is always blaming anything that goes wrong on me. I just tell him where to go. I’ve considered leaving several times but don’t because he owes me about 5000. Hasn’t even paid me a cent. I need my money back, I hate myself and life, but feel stuck and stranded. I have tried everything I can think of but can’t lose even I lb. I’m lost and don’t know what to do. Really confused!!!

  • Melissa

    Thank you for this. Two work trips ago, I sat next to a thin woman on a plane. She was texting about what a gross fatty I was and how miserable she was sitting next to me. I came home and cried, proceeded to eat more and got bigger. When my pants stopped fitting, I realized, yeah this isnt working for me. I am making this the year I lose weight for me- and then someday, when I see that stupid bitch again- I will get to say, you dont remember me, I was the gross fatty you sat next to on the plane that you dehumanized and guess what I lost weight, but you will always be a shitty person and you can never fix that.

    • Kirk

      I hope you lost the weight and are happy . People have given me nasty looks.. I’m depressed.. trying to fight and keep my head above water.. it hurts when others judge bc they don’t know anything of what someone else is going through. If you see her again. Stand tall and know that you are a better person!

  • Bunny

    I’m right there girlfriend…I’m a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. I smoked, snorted, drank, popped everything anyone ever put in front of me and did it every fucking day for 13-1/2 years. I’ve always struggled with my weight…always have to watch what I put in my mouth cause I can gain 10 pounds just by looking at chocolate. So when I discovered drugs (meth) it was like I’d found heaven. I got down to 128 pounds, and at 5’7″ I thought I’d arrived. Like two weeks after my thighs stopped rubbing together I got clean and sober…stayed that way since 7/21/97. Take away all that stuff, stop smoking cigarettes, add food, Starbucks, and Jamba Juice in major quantities because all of a sudden food tasted so good…then add a marriage to a great guy who thinks I’m sexy at all sizes and two kids and you’ll get me in 2008 hanging out around 240 pounds.
    What happened? After working on myself for many years through AA I actually started liking myself…I actually DON’T want to slowly kill myself with drugs or food or cigarettes. I was able in a year to get down to 170 and now am stuck…been stuck for a couple of years.
    What are my excuses?!? I look better then I did before. I lost 70 pounds already, I can get the last 20 off whenever I want, I just don’t want too. Food just tasts delish. I quit smoking pot, drinking, smoking cigarettes, snorting meth and taking RX…food is all I have left!!! The reality is, do I want it bad enough to get it off or not.
    I’m with you girl….right there. I started eating cleaner this week…and I just starteddoing the ” TurboFire” work out 6 days a week on Wednesday last week. I’ve done it 4 days and have 2 more to go. If I stay focused on all the reasons why I want to stay healthy, then I make the right choices. I’m happy to see I’m not the only one!

    • Agreed

      Oh wow, same here on crystal meth and what it can do to you. I don’t even like this drug, and could quit it at any time, but damned if it isn’t the one thing that will make Cookie Monster inside you sit the fuck down and SHUT UP when he starts hollering for calories. And I tried it all. Contrave, exercise, anorexia, bulimia – I was so good at the last one, I didn’t even need my finger in my throat to throw up. I could merely kneel in front of the toilet and bend forward and I was good to go. I threw up everything. Then I discovered meth and saw how it shut hunger the hell up instantly and for hours, and…

      Well, you know the rest.

      I’m buried deep under this drug now. I do about 20 mg a day, which isn’t bad. But to really control the weight and get as thin as I want to be, I know full well I’m going to have to stop controlling portions with this powder and start doing about a rail a day. This scares me. But Jesus: nothing else works. NOTHING ELSE WORKS.


      In a way, I don’t care. I’d rather die thin and beautiful than spend another week trapped in this defiant, arrogant, smart aleck fat teen of a body that, after I feed it salad and broccoli, looks me in the eye and says F you: I’m gonna be a fat chick anyway.

      F you, you betch. Crystal and I are going to kick your azz, shoot you in the face and then bury your fat azz in a ditch. Watch us.

  • WorkingMommawithaBaby

    Good for you. That is such an incredible accomplishment. My mom was overweight during my entire childhood for all sorts of reasons. I hated that she missed out on so many of the adventures we had because she couldn’t do them. She hated shopping, she hid her eating, and she’d hide behind people in photos. Then, right around the time I got pregnant with my son, she said, “enough.” And through exercise and diet, she lost almost 200 ibs. She has kept it off for almost 3 years now because she wanted to do the things as a grandma that she couldn’t do as a mom. Food battles are so tough. People often don’t give credit for losing weight in healthy ways and keeping it off. You are giving your kids memories that will stay with them forever, you are giving them your ability to adventure with them.

  • colleen

    I would never have said it so truthfully but I was the fat girl. My big excuse was that I had my first daughter at 23 when all my friends were still skinny recent grads. I quietly told myself that they would join me when they had their kids. Well they are having kids, and they are not fat. They aren’t getting fatter every day that passes. But I was. For 8 years. So I scrounged together the money that I had sworn wasn’t there, and joined the gym. I ordered a bridesmaid dress two sizes too small so there was no way out. I signed up for an 8k after not running competitively for 13 years. Its been 6 months and I have not lost a pound but I can run three miles without sounding like a dying hippo and I can flip my dog with elegance and ease! Most importantly, the dress fits! I’m proud of myself, and that is not something I could say 6 months ago. In truth , I’m impressed.I didn’t expect so much from this fat girl. I wonder what else I can do?

  • Leigh

    I hit my “I have to do something about this NOW” point the same time you did, in Jan. of 2012. I lost 60lbs in 2012 doing Grain-free and low-sugar (some call it Primal, it’s like Paleo plus dairy). I’m 5’5” and weighed 198 when I started. This year I’d like to lose another 10 lbs, but really I just want to make sure that I don’t backslide. I love this nutritional approach and my whole family is on board with it too, but it is also easy for me to eat too much sugar and put on a pound or two. Weighing myself every day is really important for me; it keeps me accountable to myself.

  • spanishinterpreter

    I can’t help but feel it’s unfair that I have to struggle with weight. It’s always a struggle. For a while I was the victor, putting enormous effort into counting calories and exercising, and yeah I lost weight and felt great. I saw myself at 150 lbs, and felt transformed. My main thought was “Wow, look at me, I’m totally average for the first time in my life. Aliens could arrive on earth and pluck me up as a exemplary specimen of a perfectly average human female.” (Aliens would have no way of judging human beauty, so they wouldn’t be scrutinizing my figure, facial features, acne, breast shape, etc. They would just see me as a typical, regular human. Awesome!)

    Now I’ve gained back the weight I lost, and it’s shitty to be back where I started. It’s a struggle still to try to keep myself in check, and not let the situation get any worse than it already is. It’s a struggle to lie in bed at night and chastise myself for bad eating AGAIN. Or congratulate myself on one good day and pray tomorrow won’t be worse than ever (cause that’s how it usually goes, one good day followed by a day of re-donk-ulous overeating even though I want to generate positive momentum).

    Emotional eating doesn’t strike a chord with me. Because when I’m eating, I don’t feel emotional at all. Even with the help of a therapist I couldn’t tell you what feelings are driving my appetite. I feel completely numb when I overeat. It feels to me like my mind is completely blank and I’m just “hungry” for the food I want to eat. There is an emptiness in me that needs to be filled. With food. I want food. I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing as “emotional eating,” but I’m going to call it “feeding the void.”

    This whole thing is an ongoing battle for me whether I’m winning (calories counted! no cheating! feeling strong and healthy!) or losing (Why the fuck did I overeat again? Look at my body! What husband on earth is turned on by this deformed shape?). Ultimately, it’s always a struggle, and that’s what depresses me the most. There’s no equilibrium. Life is short and food is a pleasure. I want to enjoy life, and not engage in an ongoing daily struggle with food, which could/should be a simple pleasure and source of nourishment. I feel like I’m always on the losing end of this battle whether I’m fat or thin.

    • Knitting with Olof

      Have you gone and had blood work done? You might have a thyroid disorder.

      If it is not a thyroid disorder then that therapist needs to help you start loving you. Nothing will change until you love yourself and want to live. I’m a therapist that has gone through this myself and helped others through this.

      The key to a healthy weight is plenty of sleep, a work out you love (if you don’t love it you will not stick to it), loving you and as little stress in your life as you can manage. Baby steps are key. One small change at a time to change habits. You are making a life style change that will last forever not a quick fix because they always backfire and you end up 5 pounds heavier. Oh a good documentary to watch is Hungry for Change.

  • Megan

    You hooked me with the dieing to live post and then I read this. A damn shame.

  • Knitting with Olof

    When I lost 36 pounds before my first kid I had to use my husband as a confession booth at the end of the day. If I had a cookie and it wasn’t a cheat day then I told him about it. Every morning I would step on the scale and then come directly downstairs and tell him the exact number that was on the scale. Did he force me to do this? No. He actually found my food confessions rather amusing. Why did I do this? I needed to say these things out loud. If I was talking to a friend about my weight I would tell them exactly how much I weighed. No hiding it. Just the truth. When I started doing that I quit putting on the pounds and started loosing. I started with baby steps. The first month it was soda. I quit drinking regular soda. Lost 10 pounds. Then I quit white bread and white rice. Lost another 5 pounds. I still ate bread but just not white. Then a month after that I quit white sugar 6 days a week. That was the hardest. I gave myself one day a week so I wouldn’t loose my mind and then I was allowed to pick one thing that I craved all week and it was usually a brownie fudge sunday. Then I started running and that really helped. I was starting to love my body again before I got pregnant. Now I still have my good habits of leaving the soda alone and mostly staying away from white bread and rice but I caved on my sugar intake. I’m tubby again and having to start over. I’m going to have to start confessions again and I hate it. I have 50 pounds to loose after my 3rd child was born 4 months ago. The juicer arrived today. God help me.

  • Me

    This is me but I need help to push myself to do it, and not because the dickwad tells me to, but because I’d be healthier and happier. Please someone help me!

    • renegademama

      THIS was an awesome comment. I love it. And I understand.

  • Margaret

    I actually read this and started to cry. Why? because i’m right there right now. as of 4 weeks ago i was at my heaviest ever. And i’m trying to make changes but its so damn hard and the whole eating thing… you are so right. G-d i’ve had those thoughts even today.

  • Allison

    I swear, with every post I read on here, I am more and more sure that you and I are soul mates…. Lol. It’s like you are reading my mind. You rock!

  • Douglas

    July 2005 a few female friends convinced me to stop dieting and live a life of “fat acceptance”. At 375 pounds and years is failing at proper diet and exercise I welcomed giving up on myself and drifting into being more morbidly obese. They told me everyone has no choice but to deal with their fatness. Well the unacceptable now became acceptable. July 2006 I hit 475 pounds. I packed on another 100 pounds.

    Fat Acceptance was just a lame excuse to keep living a life of glutney and sloth. I went to my friends to discuss how we could just “throw in the towel on ourselves”. They all were in divorce court. The husbands who are also friends just could not stand being married to a morbidly obese wife. All four women were all over 250 to 300 pounds and demanding unconditional love from their husbands.

    I love my friends and fully understand our eating disorder. I chose to have a functional relationship with food. I used common sense and lost 275 pounds.

  • Traci

    So I wonder where everyone is in their progress now in 2014. I stumbled on this blog while researching why I’m fat! Lol. It’s dated 2013 but I’m glued to the comments as they are the very fiber of my being and act replica of what takes place in my mind and in my world day after day. I was thrilled to feel the puncture of my inflated ego and realize that I’m not alone in my fantasy and pity party and even more grateful some one had the balls to call us out. Love it.
    I started using a fit bit recently and trying to cut certain dangerous foods. Let’s see if I can cut the excuses and make some real progress.
    Thanks yall!

  • my life

    I’ve lost before i know I can do it but have a6 m old I’m glued in a chair getting fatter by the sec she don’t let me put her down never felt so low in my life. I do love my daughter!!!! But i hate who I. Am now

  • Mel

    I like this approach it’s raw, real and in yo face. The way reality should be for most of us.

  • Peggy

    Hi. I just read your blog. I was born with a genetic blood disorder called Leiden Factor 5 Thrombophilia. That disorder causes blood to clot easier than most people. I was a normal, active cheerleader. Then, at age 16, I became injured during practice. I ended up with a DVT and a pulmonary embolism. The DVT caused vascular damage and caused me to develop Post thrombotic syndrome in my leg. The pain and swelling in my legs were so bad, I couldn’t walk. Lung damage made strenuous exercise impossible. Many of the medications I had to take caused fluid retention, lowered metabolism, and weight gain. By age 20, I weighed 400 lbs. I wanted a gastric bypass, but the doctors would not do it because of my genetic disorder and the blood thinners I was on.
    When you are fat, people treat you like dirt. Most people think fat people are stupid. However, I finished high school and went to college. I graduated with honors.
    I’ve found more than one blog where men literally call fat women “vermin” and “unworthy of love.” I wonder if they would say that if their own daughter had to live like I do.

    • RS

      Peggy, I am sorry for everything you have had to experience and at such a young age. I know for a lot of people who have gained weight, food is the bigger issue and in your case, since your physical movement is limited, maybe the diet should be the bigger focus. I am a food addict and that is definitely where I struggle the most. And like a lot of obese women, I suffer from depression. Basically, I have had low self-esteem since grade 6 when I started to show symptoms of polycystic ovarian syndrome and started to gain weight. It wasn’t until the 10th grade where I started to gain weight. After highschool I got to my lowest weight as a young adult at 227.

      I also suffer from a chronic illness called hidradenitis suppurativa, which is a very painful chronic medical condition that results in the formation of large abscesses under my arms, on my neck, under my breasts and in the groin area. These abscesses open up and do not heal, leaving terrible scars. But mostly the burning pain of feeling like your skin is on fire makes it very difficult to exercise let alone just move my limbs and do normal things like walk, shower, put on a bra. There is absolutely no effective treatment for it and they donèt know what causes it and over 85% of people who suffer form it have a major depressive disorder. I peaked at 294 and was extremely depressed in my life in general. I struggled to stay in University and maintain regular employment and still struggle with this. When i stopped trying to diet, my weight dropped to 250. Most of my weight is around my mid-section, which has become really uncomfortable now. I visited my doctor yesterday morning and he told me that with my depression and food addiction, the most important thing is to make sure I engage socially with other people, friends and family or find a support group, whether online or in person. My illness and depression has made me very isolated and now at 33, never having dated, I realize that this was the worst thing I could do. I turned my back on friends because I was so too embarrassed to share all my struggles. I think the hardest thing for me is not having a frame of reference for feeling healthy, it has been so long.

      There is definitely a lot of fat shaming that goes on in our society and that does not help. And the worst thing about it is that we often let those jerks make us go into hiding or think that we are somehow weak or lazy. I used to work 16 hour days when I was functional. Like a lot of overweight people, I give the best of myself to other people. I am not a success story yet but all I can say is nurture your mind and body and do not let others make you feel like you are less of a person because you are not. Some of us are genetically programmed to gain weight and others are stimulated by food the same way drug users are stimulated by drugs. Nobody would ever choose this for themselves. The thing that matters the most is the reputation you have with yourself and that is your self-esteem (heard that somewhere). I’m working on mine and not dieting and instead eating healthy. I bought myself zumba dvds, the set for older folks, so that I dont strain myself. I hope you realize that you are a valuable person regardless of what weight you are at. I would also send an email to as many doctors as you can that specialize in your illness and ask if they are aware of any new research or methods that might make you eligible for gastric bypass if that is your wish. often, a bright mind can think outside the box when asked the question but if no one is asking, the answer might not come. You might just need to find the right doctor. Even post on message boards and stuff and pose the question because a lot of doctors do read medical message boards. Best of luck to you my dear.

  • Shelly

    Very motivational!!! I’ve been feeling sorry for myself, having turned 40 recently; feeling fat, unmotivated and binge eating has become a vicious cycle for me recently. It’s a vicious cycle, or so I’ve noticed…you feel lazy for not working out, so you eat. You look in the mirror and feel like shit, so you eat. I don’t sleep well at night, so I use that as an excuse to not work out and eat some more. SO…Thank you for the inspirational stories, the motivation and the tears!!!
    Today is Day 1) My diet of berries, V8 Juice, assorted nuts and water has a different taste today. Tomorrow is a new day and I’m working out, no more fucking excuses!

  • Maddie

    I am so glad to find your blog. I have put on thirty pounds, not from having kid or taking any medication. I just have a shitty husband who feeds me junk all day. I tell him I don’t want soda, he buys soda. I say no junk food, he brings home cookies and ice cream. Then he calls me fat and says it’s my problem I have no self-control. I’m a student and I don’t have time to cook the healthy foods I normally make (I can only cook about twice a week). Every other day he buys pizza and wings for our dinners. I think I hate him for this. He works and has control financially so I feel stuck. I pour soda down the drain now so he understands he’s wasting money and making me fat by buying this crap. I think I honestly needed to vent, in case that isn’t obvious.

  • tina

    I’m a big fat fuckin cow I eat like a pig it’s disgusting I was 300 got down to 215 an thought I was cute…so. cute I started eating again an laughing about it….Yep I got this….I got this alright I’m working myself right up to 250… Great t job pig I hate myself an if .i had the courage I’d slit my throatim miserable I hate everything an everyone but I go along with a smile on my face an act happy…fuck the smile fuck the happy bull shit all I can say is fuck fuck fuck an if your offended fuck u cause I’m miserable

  • bee

    I am exactly.that, I hate myself and my body, and im the only one to blame, I feel so miserably unhappy and hopelessly unattractive……

  • thingsfallapart

    I’ve been emotionally eating past few years, in grad school and relationship struggles than failures, and then my 18 y/o son became a dad and then I hit my top weight of 206 (I’m 5’9″). I got a grip, lost down to 165 and was hanging out there okay pretty well, but fast forward a bit and my son keep trying to commit suicide all last year and the weight crept back up to 190, but last December he did a dozzy – shared me utterly shitless – and my eating has become unmoored. I’ve hit 245 pounds!!!! I’m so ashamed. I love to bike but I have a belly now and I’m sure I look stupid and it’s uncomfortable. Everything is uncomfortable. Walking. Bending down. My son is doing better, I’ve had massive amounts of therapy, and still the eating is not complexly under control. Right now I’m struggling to get more control. I don’t think I’m going up higher, but I’m not doing enough to get the numbers lower. I feel quite stuck and know I just have to suck it up but I really just want to hide in some hole and not come out until I’m a more reasonable weight, like 200lbs for starters. I was 135/145 most of my twenties and 165/175most of my thirties, and have my own trauma background but I still need to shake myself awake to fix this mess. Thank you for writing your post so honestly. I get tired of pretending I love myself.

  • Fat Lily

    Fuck yeah! That’s my fat ass life in a nutshell. I don’t care that it’s been what…over 3 years since this post…I’m a fat ass today and I’ve been a fat ass these last 6 months because I keep lying to myself. I’ve gained 30 pounds in 6 months! My lie? I’ve “controlled” my weight for 25 years (I’m 40) and it’s okay to “let myself go” now – everyone gets fat, eventually. That’s bullshit. The truth is I don’t want to trade my Big Mac for a thigh gap. I mean, I want to be lean and trim, but I’m tired of working for it. I’m tired of seeing food as a caloric number. I I hate people, like my sister-in-law, who grabs a brownie because she fucking wants one. What the fuck is that? Do you know how many thoughts go through my head before I eat a brownie? I mean, shit – I’m definitely gonna eat that brownie, but not before waging war in my head then finally calling myself a loser and grabbing a fistful of chocolately deliciousness. In my fat world it’s all or nothing and that’s what makes me a chronic loser. Today I actually won…but tomorrow I’ll make up for it….

    • Jeri howe

      I so can relate to what you have said here. You are right on point with everything. I especially agreed with the part about the fricken struggle with the damn brownie!!!! Why does every damn peice of food that is consumed have to be attached with a fricken emotion or thinking about it with guilt, regret, shame caloric count, “i should of, i should’nt of” ect ect ect!!!!! Well, just know your not alone, and a stranger such as myself even cares about your stuggle. Sincerely, Geraldine from Racine Wisconsin.

  • Jodi

    When you said “I will cut you if you dare take a picture of me!” That’s me.


  • Darlene

    I am 66 years old. I have not weighed in years and am not going to. Tonight I saw pictures of myself and I am shocked that am so fat and UGLY!! I thought by this point in my life it would not matter. But it does and it always will. I hate my fat ugly disgusting self.

    • Jeri howe

      I so can relate to what you have said here. You are right on point with everything. I especially agreed with the part about the fricken struggle with the damn brownie!!!! Why does every damn peice of food that is consumed have to be attached with a fricken emotion or thinking about it with guilt, regret, shame caloric count, “i should of, i should’nt of” ect ect ect!!!!! Well, just know your not alone, and a stranger such as myself even cares about your stuggle. Sincerely, Geraldine from Racine Wisconsin.

  • Lynette

    5 ft 5 inches 57 years old 330 lbs
    Failure as a daughter
    Failure as a sister
    Failure as a wife
    Failure as a mother
    i want to kill myself

    • Teresa

      OMG, I sound like each and every one of you. Lynette, I know exactly how you feel. I just came across this site. Please don’t kill yourself. Just because you are overweight does not make you a failure at everything. I think we are only failing ourselves. Nobody cares what we weight but us. My mother was extremely overweight and I used to tell her that all the time. I kept telling her that she had to lose weight for herself and now here I am following in her footsteps. Everyday I say it will be the day and it always ends up the same. I don’t know what to do either. Am I subconsciously hiding behind my weight?

  • Shine

    I’m a fat pig now. I could completely relate. I’ve given up. At the beginning of my weight loss journey, a gynecologist diagnosed me with PCOS. He told me there wasn’t anything he could do for me if I didn’t lose the weight. I was 299lbs at the time. I got pissed. I felt offended by his frankness. The same frankness propelled me to get off my ass and work for it.

    Every day I jogged/walked. I logged my progress. Every day I committed to changing myself. I cut my portion sizes, each week eliminated one unhealthy thing at a time. It was a battle between me and my belly. I hated it. I wanted it gone more than anything. I managed to lose 30lbs on my own.

    I was proud of myself. Shortly thereafter, something traumatic happened that propelled me to lose another 20. So, here I was, 50lbs smaller. My body felt lighter. I didn’t sweat as much. The floors didn’t creak beneath me. I felt good about my progress.

    One day, I’m not sure how or why but I just gave up. I began drinking heavily, partook in casual encounters. I just let myself go. Now, here I am. I’m a whopping 315lbs. I never in my life would have thought I would be humongous like this.

    I eat discretely, alone where no one can see. I feel ashamed every time someone see’s me eat. Some people can hide the shameful things they’ve done. I cannot. My body tells the world how little I care for myself. This is my rock bottom. I’m scared to see how much further I’m willing to sink before I get my shit together.

    I’m tired of this. 🙁

    • Jenny

      How are you?

  • Greg M.

    I find it alarming that so many women feel “less than” simply because of their weight. Do not despair, but look elsewhere around the world and realize that societal attitudes regarding what is normal or not vary from culture to culture. Large women are truly admired, wanted and loved deeply in many of our world’s cultures. America and Europe, unfortunately, have devalued our women (and men) simply because of weight. How very shallow!
    I am a man and I choose to delve deeper than superficialities in my relationships with others. What utter nonsense to think that we truly harm others by thrusting upon them an unforgiving and sometimes unattainable standards of societal acceptance!

  • Rocky

    I came across this blog by mistake but it was the best thing to happen to me today. I’m 28, 5″2 and 230 lbs. I was diagnosed with pcos about 10 years ago and most time it’s my excuse to why I’m a big fat pig. Most days I could live with my self but today I feel like my existence makes no sense. I’m a freshman in college at age 28,I’ve been trying to get pregnant for the pass 5 years plus I look like the purple tellytubby. This feels good… I needed to vent..

  • YeouxLeigh

    Is this site still around most of the comments are from 2013? This is the type of communication I like straight forward no bullshit. If you are currently I’d like to join

  • GL

    This is inspiring and makes me feel better. I try to own the fat, but truth is I just fucking hate it. BAD. I was so hot way back when. I don’t want to waste my life anymore! Right now I weigh 243 pounds, miserable! I left an event today because I couldn’t bring myself to socialize. I was jealous of about every woman in there because I was one of the fattest. I want to wear pretty dresses and heels again!! Every day is a look in the mirror, and wanting to lose weight. I’m going to do it.

  • Cherie

    Fucking excellent, priceless blog. Exactly how I feel. I’m a fuckin cow and I’m miserable as fuck.

    • Donna

      Me too

  • Sooze

    Brilliant place to vent! I’m 53 and absolutely hate my life. I was DROP DEAD GORGEOUS in high school. I was a model in my 20s, but I could never get the top jobs because I was 5’8”and 135 lbs. Just couldn’t get down to 120. I exercised like crazy, but was always hungry. I hate women who can eat anything they want. All of my life I would think about the next meal. All of my life I have felt hungry.

    I had my daughter when I was 30. In my 30s I was around 150. I look at photos of me in my 30s and think how hot I looked even then, but I was miserable and thought I was a fat pig back. My husband died a month after my 41st birthday. At a time when I needed the most support from so-called friends, I found out they were fake friends. My husband died suddenly from a massive heart attack and I mourned for 4 years. I was near 200 and depressed and decided to have another go at losing weight. Joined a women’s gym and started dieting. Got back down to 150 and felt good about myself. I was terribly lonely and finally got to a point to where thinking about having a man in my life again didn’t feel like cheating. Reconnected with a high school sweetheart and got married in 2009. My 14 year old daughter at the time hated him because I had never dated anyone else since her father died.

    My sociopathic mother didn’t like him in high school because his father wasn’t a doctor or lawyer and went bat-shit crazy and started telling my daughter that she had better lock her bedroom door at night cause he would try to molest her. And I know what you’re thinking: there must have been something to it for her to do that. No, that woman is and always has been evil. She did it PURELY FOR SPITE to cause trouble in my household. And it did. It took the better part of a year for my daughter to realize that my mother told her a vicious lie simply to use her as a tool to wreck my happiness.

    When I got married the second time in 2009 I looked so hot. But all that fucking stress in my life with my mother trying to break up my family caused me to give in and overeat. By 2011 I hit 200 again.

    And my husband loves to cook and he’s always making cakes and desserts and I give in and eat it. In the past I was always able not to let the eating go too far because I wouldn’t have that shit in the house. A month ago I hit 220 pounds and now have an inflamed gallbladder. I fucking hate my life. I haven’t had sex for over 2 years because I am disgusted with my body. I see pictures of myself 10 years ago when I was 150 and I want to die. I hate myself. I can’t stop eating. It feels like I’m starving all the time. There is always fucking food in this house that shouldn’t be here and I don’t have the willpower. I hate my life. I hate my fucking job but if I quit my fucking job we’ll lose our fucking house. FUCK FUCK FUCK.. I NEVER thought I would turn out this way.

    Yesterday I hit my rock bottom. I got overheated in the bath so I let the water out in order to cool down. Tip for fat chicks: just get out of the fucking bath and lie down on the bed. That’s what I’ve always done, but yesterday I just thought I would cool off in the empty bath. I COULDN’T GET OUT. MY FUCKING FAT BODY WAS TOO FUCKING HEAVY WITHOUT THE WATER IN THE TUB. Had to call out to my husband and I hurt my knee getting out. Now my knee is swollen and it’s agony to go up and down the stairs.

    I feel like my life is over. Shit, I feel like my life has been over for the last 7 years. I hate my ugly, fat, disgusting body.

    Last week I started a restriction diet. Weighed this morning and I’m 207. It’s better than my all time high of 220 but it’s still FAT. I don’t go anywhere socially. I haven’t been in a pool or to the beach in years. If I can just get into the 100’s again ‘ONE-Der-Land” then I would feel so much better. I’m so close–just 7 pounds. From there, if I could get to 180 then I would be getting a hold back on my life again.

    THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE. I feel that if I blow this diet now, I’m going to be a fat chick for the rest of my miserable life.

    SHIT I’M HUNGRY. It’s nearly midnight.


  • Michelle Lee

    I realize it’s four years later since you wrote this but I just came across this just now. I am totally miserable. I am 45 years old, 5’1″ and 155 pounds. Up until six years ago I was 98 lbs. Then I quit smoking and gain 50 pounds within a few months. I’m not huge but I have a fucking tire around my waist that makes me want to vomit every time I look in the mirror. And side boobs, double chin and back fat. It’s hard for people to understand but after spending my entire adult life at 98 pounds, I feel like a fucking house now. I rarely eat sweets and I don’t eat a lot of food so I don’t understand. I guess my metabolism just came to a screeching halt when I quit smoking. I can tell myself that I would give anything to be thinner again but clearly I won’t. Because I’m not doing anything about it and that pisses me off. I feel disgusting and I can’t stand it anymore. I keep hoping for a magic pill. But I know that’s not going to happen.

  • Gina

    I really understand the feelings. Sending blessings to all!!!

  • Barb

    I could have written every word of this, with the exception about the kids. Because I don’t have kids. I don’t have kids because I don’t have a man, and haven’t had a date in 25 years. Because I’ve allowed myself to become a huge, obese, unsightly mess. I hate myself. I hate my fat, veiny thighs and my jiggly arms and my ass that sticks out so far you could set your coffee cup on it. I hate that I get out of breath walking up a little incline, and that I wake up in the night struggling to breathe because I’m smothering in my own blubber. I hate the loneliness, and the nightmare of socializing because I’m so sure everyone in the room is looking at me and thinking, “What a fat fucking cow.” I hate that I have basically given up on myself, to the point that even nearly dying when my gallbladder finally gave out wasn’t enough to stop me from eating myself up to 300 pounds. I hate the stretchy waist pants that are all I can fit into. I hate the depression and PTSD that have made me believe that only eating myself into a stupor will stop the pain. I hate that my ankles swell when I sit for more than 30 minutes. I hate the double chin I see in the mirror. And I hate that I don’t care enough about myself to say enough, and take the first step toward change. Maybe this is the first step, this venting. Maybe this is where the road bends toward health and life. It has to, because otherwise my road is going to end in an early grave. And the worst part of that is not that I will have died long before I should. The worst part is that being fat has kept me from being truly alive in the first place.

  • Fucking fat again

    This sounds all too familiar, and I see that I’m not alone. Unfortunately I still feel like shit. I’m a new mom. I was trying to lose weight so I could get pregnant. Then, SURPRISE! I got pregnant much sooner than expected. I’m so in love with my son, and he is the greatest gift in the universe. I’m just not in love with myself. I just got fatter. I’m 33, 5’4″ and 230 pounds. Every inch of me hurts, I hate the way I look, and I haven’t had sex with my husband for over a year. I’m ashamed to allow my own husband to see me nakef and I can’t even talk to him about it. We’re fighting a lot, and I know our lack of intimacy is hurting our relationship. How much longer can I allow this? I’m tired, I’m a working mom, and I hardly see my baby as it is. How can I make time to exercise? That’s time lost with him. I drove to work crying today. I cried at my desk, and I’m crying as I wore this in my lunch break. What the fuck is wrong with me?! I have yoyo’d all my life. But just a few years ago I was a beautiful thin bride and shopping used to be fun. I used to have amazing sex with my husband… Now nothing. I’m fucking miserable. And so I can think about is what my next meal will be. I look at pictures of myself with my hair and makeup done, but no salon in the world can fix this. I’m waiting for that feeling of “I can do this” but it’s just not coming.

  • stacy holden

    wow. you took the words right out of my head. i was 239 at one point ok . im i was 35 and i started benging and purging. i lost 40 lbs.thrn I started to work out. lost 25 more . looked good . well for me in 5’6 always been overweight. but i couldn’t stand wearing size 20. so eventually I got down to a 11. and now I’m back at a 15 i feel fucking repulsive. i keep telling myself ill stop smashing cookies tommorrow then I buy more really stacy i tell myself wyd

  • PassiveAggresive

    I’m a 215lb 5’2” pig right now & lie to myself constantly. Thanks for the brutal honesty, I needed it.

  • Barb

    Thank you for telling your – MY – story. I am 54, and I weigh 285 pounds. A few years ago my fucking gallbladder basically exploded and I nearly died. You’d think that would be a the wakeup call, but apparently not. I’m so sick of feeling ugly, of being hot all the time, of struggling into a size 20 jeans. So sick of looking in the mirror and looking away in disgust. Am I sick enough to stop this crazy shit and gt to work? Time will tell. I’m not creating a resolution, because those fuckers die on February 1. Instead, I am learning to be kind to myself, to take care of myself instead of indulging. Cause that’s the core of it all – taking care of me.

  • S

    Yep, c’est moi. Gained 30lbs with #1, #2, and #3. Now in the 200+ lbs catagory and I HATE myself. Lose weight nursing is BS!!! Hubby is rail thin and a feeder – it’s taken me 8 friggin years to figure out what works for me, because the gym causes me to GAIN. Finally figured out fasting only to get preggers again. ARGH!!! I have only by the grace of God gained 8 lbs thus far (20 weeks) but I’m terrified of gaining the dreaded 30lbs. Just can’t do it anymore…haven’t taken a picture of myself in 8 years, I barely recognize myself in the mirror. Jealous of every woman on planet Earth, more or less, and just depressed. I dread going out in case I see someone I know. Tired of being embarrassed all of the time.

  • Betsy Peacock

    I could’ve wrote this. Every single day I hate myself. Every single day I look in the mirror and just wish I was someone different. Some women make looking beautiful so effortless. Their bodies are beautiful. Their hair is beautiful. Their skin is flawless. And I just want to crawl in a hole. It’s summer time now, and more than anything I just want to disappear. I don’t want to attract attention. For being fat, or for not being fat. I just want to blend in. I want people to walk past me and not have an opinion. Because I’m just like everyone else. Nothing to write home about. I don’t want to be the woman with the big ass and the man calves and the little boobs and ‘she’s super in-proportionate.’ I was at my lowest I had been since meeting my husband in March of 2017. I had a hysterectomy in May of 2017. A combination of recouping from surgery, mood changes, and then barely surviving a nasty winter that dragged on forever, I’ve gained all but 5 pounds back. And I am miserable.

  • April

    So I am that misserable fat person I spent my whole teen years hating myself the way I look and the sad part is I wasn’t even fat I was heathy and skinny and the girl I wanted to be the skinny I wanted to be was unhealthy.then I got pregnant with my first at 18 then had him at 19 I gain so much weight and had to have a c section and then a year and 9 months later I had my girl and then got my tubes tied so i spent my whole entire 20s hating my body more because I became the day girl I use to see. I am at my biggest I have ever been 250 pounds and 5’3. I am at my breaking point. I have learn to love myself well at least my face and brain so now I’m learning to gain my body back and spend the last bit of my 20s getting my life together because I want to beable to play with my kids and feel sexy wearing clothes. I know.i can do this and I will update my life and weight loss in one year and if you guys want to comment I’ll message you. For the first time in months I have not had a sip of soda of any kind in 3 weeks going on to four! I am will to start walking up and down my block and I’m hoping maybe I’ll get down and get the energy to do more. Miss being able to move around and being able to breath with out my feet hurt just by standing. I want my husband to find me attractive again and want to beable to play with my kids before they get to grown. I am tired of feeling down about myself. This is my rock bottom. I’m taking my life back one step at a time! I need to lose 100 pounds because I am okay if weight 145 pound before I would rather be 120 pounds now if I’m in my 100s I’ll be happy

  • Trackbacks

  • Trackback from Brutal honesty and denim - renegade mothering
    Wednesday, 30 January, 2013

    […] bend over, since my underwear aren’t the grandma kind (if ya know what I mean). And, if you read my last post, you know I have NO BUSINESS WHATSOEVER wearing non-grandma underwear. But I do anyway, because I […]

Leave a Comment

Comment policy: Try not to be a dick.