- Squeaker Shoes – These are shoes that squeak with every step the kid takes, allegedly teaching him or her to “walk properly.” Right. That’s what I need. More noise. More squeaking in general. And since when do humans need noise-making leather objects bound to their feet to learn to walk?
- Baby spill mat – So this is a big vinyl mat that one lays on the floor to catch spills from the baby in the highchair. This I don’t understand. What exactly is the difference between cleaning a giant vinyl mat and cleaning the floor? And in my experience, the mess would mostly land about ½ inch beyond the edge of the mat, requiring clean-up of both the mat AND the floor, thereby doubling my work and rendering said mat useless. Not cool.
- Breast milk catcher – Alright. I think this one might actually be a joke. So these are these pad pocket things you put in your bra, either when nursing (on the non-nursing side) or throughout the day, to catch the milk that leaks. So many problems here. First, there is no way more than an ounce leaks out of both breasts during the day, which means it would take 4 days to create a single bottle for my baby. Second, since breastmilk can only stay at room temperature for an hour max, I would have to clean my little breastmilk catching wonders like ten times a freaking day, pouring twelve drops of milk into the bag at a time, for multiple subsequent days. I mean really, are they serious? I’m a bit crestfallen when I see only 2 ounces in the bottle after 15 minutes of pumping, I’d be suicidal if I had to pay attention to the drops that leak out all day. Freaking weird.
- Baby/toddler tooth brushes – Dude. Don’t worry about it. They’re gonna fall out anyway.
- ‘On the Go Pacifier Wipes’ – None of my kids have ever used a pacifier (even though I tried), but I’m pretty sure I’d clean it the same way I clean every other kid item that falls to the ground: dust it off, perhaps lick it, wipe it on my pants, return it to baby.
- Plastic inside ‘play yards’ – Maybe my kids are just weird, but I can promise you that the second I tried placing them in a gated area removed from the rest of the family would be the precise moment they decided they needed to attach themselves like barnacles to my lower extremities. I’m serious. If any of my kids find out that I’m trying to distract them to get something done, they immediately and suddenly need me, even if they’d been ignoring me the previous hour. The trick is to sneak off while they’re already bus y and this becomes impossible if you stick them in a large cage with toys and walk away. Big indicator to the kid, who’s thinking “huh, mom’s trying to contain me, probably to accomplish a task. Therefore, I shall throw myself on the ground and wail uncontrollably until she comes back, retrieves me from this thing, and pays me the attention I’m rightfully owed.”
- ‘Baby care Timer’ – Please somebody SHOOT ME. This is even more lame than logging your baby’s poops into an Excel spreadsheet. Entering every diaper change, poo, pee, nap, and feeding into a hand held machine? Come on people let’s work together here. Who gives a flying fuck? Okay fine. If a baby was not thriving, perhaps a contraption like this might be necessary, but otherwise, if you’re using this thing just for the heck of it, because you think it’s a solid idea, I don’t mean to be harsh, but there is something wrong with you.