Playdate calling cards for the rest of us

by renegademama

So that whole Push Present post, along with the brilliant comment by Stephanie over at Momma Be Thy Name (if you aren’t reading her, you should), got me thinking about “playdate calling cards.” So of course, like any sane human, I Googled that shit. I know, I’m a thinker.

I found out all sorts of interesting things. Not really. To be honest, it’s a rather insipid topic (which fully explains why I’m writing about it, right?).

I pretty much only learned that they go by multiple names: “mommy calling cards,” “mommy playdate cards,” and, for those into the whole brevity thing, “mommy cards.”

First of all, don’t call me “mommy.” I thought we’ve been over this.

Secondly, do these things exist because it’s too difficult to put somebody’s number in your fucking cell phone? Or is it just to be cute, even, perhaps, what I might call Excessively Cute? and you know how I feel about The Excessively Cute.

These are deep questions. Can’t be answered at one sitting.

However, while contemplating this inane topic, I realized that I could perhaps get behind the whole “mommy card” thing, were they not called “mommy cards,” not quite so damn cute, and didn’t imply that my ENTIRE IDENTITY can be conveyed by the words “mommy to Ava, Rocket and Georgia!”

So basically I pretty much can’t get behind them. Or I could, if they were recast into some totally inappropriate, renegade version, you know, something we might call “Cards to weed out the women who wouldn’t want to hang out with me or my offspring anyway.”

Not particularly catchy.

But alas, all the “mommy cards” I saw said variations of the aforementioned statement “mommy to ____” followed up with contact information. Some of them said “Let’s have a playdate!” at the top.

Now these simply will not work for me, so I figured I’d make a few that would.

I could hand these to women who chat with me at the park, seeing the in-public, well-behaved (more or less), not-saying-“fuck” version of me. [I try not to say the F word around other people’s children. Or my own, though that’s always a bit sketchy. Let’s change the subject.] And then, they would have fair warning that I am THAT type of mother with THOSE types of children…and then, she can run.

FYI, I don’t drink anymore, on account of the last one being TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY THE WAY I USED TO ROLL.

Sorry for the all caps. It’s a disease.

You know, now that I really think about it, I think I really, really like the idea of these things.

They are just so damn versatile. Don’t you think?

But seriously. Stop calling me “mommy.”

xo

more stuff I shouldn't have said out loud:

  • Not Blessed Mama

    That is SO FUNNY because just an hour ago I first read of these (she just called it a mom card). And I thought, this might work- I can just put my Twitter handle on there, and anyone who doesn’t run screaming must be pretty awesome.

  • Erin

    Pretty sure that “let’s have a play date so we can talk shit about moms who have calling cards and sprinkles” (paraphrase) is exactly what we are doing next Sunday, no?

    FUCK YA! Let’s get some of these printed.

    • kim

      bahahahaha!!! You read my mind, Erin.

  • Cat

    I love your Big Lebowski reference. And the calling cards are genius. I had a friend who was incredulous about the calling cards his fellow graduate students would dole out with their lame information,, so he made his own that said “John Smith: Alpha Male”

  • Julie

    I read your blog for several reasons:
    1) you are funny as hell
    2) you say the things I want to say
    3) you make me feel so NORMAL 😉
    I hate the whole my-entire-identity-is-being-mom-shit!
    Makes me cray cray! For real tho! Thanks for always saying what I’m feeling or thinking.
    Keep writing!

  • Carrera

    These are hilarious. I remember seeing some on another blog, and the writer aptly pointed out that when you seek out people who stopped taking birth control around the same time you did and try to be befriend them, there’s something wrong.

  • Rachel

    Yep…print ’em! Those are the play date cards of someone who I’d actually CHOOSE to hang with. Oh how I wish I lived closer to CA or you closer to IA. I’m dying to find a mom out there who isn’t full of crap, has a life outside of her children, and gives a rip about finding the humor in life!

  • Sarah O'Malley

    I love this! I am someone people assume would be great for setting up play dates, and moms are ALWAYS shocked when I turn them down. Then they ask the question, “WHY NOT?” I used to say, because I DO NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS! And my kids are worse! Now, I no longer have to use up any more of my time and I can simply copy one of your card ideas. Once again, YOU have saved MY sanity!

  • Stephanie

    I read the We Eat Hot Dogs one a little too fast, and I was like “We Eat Dogs!?!?!” Shit! That will keep them away for sure! I’m glad I reread it. I like the graphic of the little kids fighting. Really drives the point home.

    Playdate at the park because both of our houses are disgusting!

  • Janie

    OH my gosh… so me.
    I need these since I tend to lose friends at an alarming rate… should just be up front about my hot dog eating bitchiness then it might get better.

  • kim

    The other thing that needs mentioning is that moms like us would lose these playdate cards 5 minutes after receiving them. I cannot be trusted with a small piece of paper in the midst of my life.

  • Sara

    Wow, if you handed me one of those I would not only agree to a playdate, but possibly follow you home.

    • renegademama

      And I would absolutely open my door to you.

      🙂

  • sara

    While these are completely and amazingly awesome, I still want my baby bauble bumper stickers for my Beemer. You’re not off the hook.

    • renegademama

      Baby Bauble AND excessive alliteration? Are you trying to fucking kill me Sara?

      No mercy, I see.

  • Candy

    Mine would say, “My kids would love a playdate. Can I drop them off at noon and pick them up around 5?”

    • renegademama

      BRILLIANT.

    • Sarah

      Perfect!
      I want one that says, “Can I have a playdate? No, I’m not bringing the children.”

  • Calamity Jane

    Never heard of these, but I adore yours. Especially the “at your house” card. Oh my god. You are hilarious. I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to find you.

    • renegademama

      I feel the same way about you. You’re my new best cyber friend. BCF? Cute.

  • Lucy

    LOVING these!!!! Glad to have found you – this post is being shared all over Facebook – and I’m going to do just that myself and pop you on my blog roll so I don’t lose you. Loving your sass!

  • Lucy

    Oh just saw your comment policy. Now officially pissing myself laughing!

  • Gill

    I love the simplicity of Let’s Get Together.. and it’s good to be upfront from the beginning.

  • ms lottie

    Love it! You could make a mint printing and selling them. You might get hunted down by the ‘mommies’ but it’d be worth it.
    Especially love the get together at your house one. If I drank coffee I would have spat it out laughing.

  • Cath

    I’d like one that says:

    ‘At my house because I can’t be fucked showering or getting the kids dressed. Going to your house like that is, you know, impolite ‘n’ stuff.’

    Love your work!

  • sara moon

    LAUGHING SO HARD AND IT FEELS SO GOOD. these are so funny it hurts. i love you.

  • Heather Sherman

    LMAO. I have not read one of your articles yet that I did not say “THAT’S US!!” to. Thank You. I’m not so crazy anymore. Considering Stand-Up? You’d tear the house completely down. Oh, and my chaotic house is open to you anytime you are in CO and want to let our kids tear/wear each other out. SMILE backatcha for the one you just gave me here…

  • MidsummerMama

    JESUS CHRIST!!!! The only reason I am not laughing OUT FUCKING LOUD right now is because my children are asleep in the next room and if they wake up I will have to deal with them and I will pretty much kill the buzz of my wonderful finally-get-to-FUCKINGHAVESOMETIMETOMYSELF-feeling. SO glad that my friend Mel turned me on to you. Playdate calling cards??? I don’t even know if I’d use those for toilet paper! You GO, Janelle. Keep it real.

  • Nara

    You’re fucking awesome! Everytime someone tells me to join a mom’s group I want to puke. I want to hang out with some women who want to plug the kids into Dora so we can throw back a bottle of wine in peace & NOT talk about kids. So if I met you at the park I’d be psyched. You bring the vodka. I’ll bring the Vicodin. 😉

  • Brittany

    hahaa! These are fantastic. I’m actually making some of my own cards to send to school for summer vacation (our neighborhood has no kids at all!) so maybe something like “Want to play this summer? You bring the chips, I’ll bring the booze!”