[Those of you who've been here for awhile know that I wrote this post last year. But since I had about 9 readers back then (you know who you are), and I added some new Valentines for each stage, I feel it's appropriate to publish it again, in an updated version.]
***
The other day, while scowling at the absurdity of one of those feel-good chocolate hearts and roses Valentine’s ads, I placed my pointer finger against my face in the classic thinking posture and asked myself… “Hmmmm…what would an honest Valentine’s Day card say?”
And then, as this thought rolled around in my [acutely insane] brain, I realized that this is no simple question, but rather depends entirely on how long the couple has been together.
Because as you probably know…that shit CHANGES. (Relationships, that is. Men, not so much.)
So this small, profound monologue got me thinking about the fact that there are (in my opinion) three stages in a relationship/marriage, each of them obviously necessitating a different Valentine, were it to be honest and real and able to speak the truth of the insanity. Err, I mean “budding love story.”
Wow. Deep.
Anyhoo, I give you this. I ask that you please enjoy the clip art.
Stage 1
Years 0-2: The “I haven’t Been With You Long Enough to Realize How Much You Annoy Me” stage, comprised of long walks and hand-holding, starry-eyed dinners, cocktails, discussions, movie-watching, reasonable arguments, cuddling and pet names. Also, smug looks directed at women who are in Stages 2 and 3 with their men, and a distinct feeling of superiority, having obviously been deemed the first woman in history to not wonder if she could turn herself into a lesbian to avoid further intimacy with the male population. Also, women in this stage rest easy in the comfort and surety that they will never, ever want to pummel their little love kitten with a meat cleaver. Because he’s PERFECT. Duh.
A Stage 1 Valentine looks something like one of these:
And now…
Stage 2, Years 2-5: The “Holy Shit I had no Idea You Had These Sorts of Habits” Stage, also known as the “I Must Mold You Into Something More Like What I Had In Mind” Stage, characterized by a lot of discussions with girlfriends regarding the man’s deficiencies, as well as a decent amount of wonderment and awe as the female discovers The Male is not at all perfect (and may actually have some sort of disability, as evidenced by the fact that he can’t find stuff that’s 3 inches from his forehead and insists on passing gas in bed). This stage also involves the surfacing of all other incomprehensible tendencies, causing the female to realize she’s going have to fix this character if they’re ever going to make it. And therefore, she begins to WORK, which of course results in long, long, long discussions, unreasonable bickering, maybe therapy but for sure tears, cajoling, threatening, flailing and general malaise, and, most likely, the arrival of an infant or two.
Honest Valentines at this stage may look like this:
And then, if the couple in question makes it past Stage 2, they enter Stage 3 (years 6 – ?), commonly known as the “Well Obviously You are not Going to Change and I’m Tired of Fighting so I’ve Accepted you and your Weirdness” Stage. (Yes, these stages have awkwardly long titles. Not particularly catchy, I know. Don’t blame me. I didn’t make it up.) Oh wait.
As you can see, this is something of a deal-breaker stage – since it’s pretty much Stage 3 or Stage Bye-Bye. Stage 3 is characterized by a lot of glaring but less complaining, fewer divorce threats and a surface-level acceptance of small, irritating habits (such as buying odd gadgets that will never ever be used EVER, or eating onions before bed). It also involves some strange compromises (“Honey, if you pick up your bath towel from the floor every day, I’ll start squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom.”) and subtle retaliation (as opposed to the long, long, long discussions in stage 2 (or therapy)). On the plus side, this Stage results in a weird peace and vague sense of serenity and, occasionally, some intense relief regarding the fact that you didn’t throw in the towel when things got rough (and therefore, thank god, you don’t have to deal with these hoodlum children alone). Women in this stage feel a little like badass survivors of some great calamity, like a tsunami, or fire. “We almost didn’t make it, kids. We really had to work HARD to make this marriage work. Ah, but look at us now…”
And we feel a little victorious. And yeah, alright, I’ll say it: A little in love.
Enough of the sappy crap.
Real valentines in this stage may look something like this:
Sometimes people ask where I come up with this crap.
In response, I give you one word: LIFE.
As proof, I give you this…
My own real life Stage 3 Valentine.
xoxoxo
 |
Stacey
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 14:13Oh man. Enjoyed the hell out of this. I was just thinking about this yesterday as I stared at the card aisle. With a 2 year old and a 4 month old, nothing seems appropriate.
Btw, I found your site via FB last night at 2am as I nursed my youngest. The link was to “I became a mother…” Thank you for those good words. I needed ‘em. I’ll be back.
Stacey recently posted..To the Man I Love on Valentine’s Day
Renee'
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 14:34I was one of the first nine people that followed you when you wrote this. It was funny then and is still funny now! Thanks for keeping it real!!!
Dawn Pedersen
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 14:35This is wonderful and hilarious. We’re creeping up on our 5th anniversary, so I can probably breath a sigh of relied knowing that the hardest part is over (and it’s hasn’t been too bad, but I resembled some of those cards.)
sonia
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 14:36oh dear dog. so right.
fortunately, my stage 2 seems to have been very short. think we had a prolonged stage 1, and a slightly early stage 3. i still love him
Jessica
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 14:45This. is. Perfect! My/Our stages were a little longer. We were 6 years in before our daughter was born. We’re 10 years in now and entering stage 3. I told him recently, “It’s cheaper to keep you.” I guess we’ve made it this far, why not keep going, right?
Claire g
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 15:11I am laughing so hard I am crying. It is partly from the prescription Xanax my shrink makes me take so I don’t physically harm people. But it is MOSTLY because this is so damn funny.
Thank you for being you!
P.S.- I totally went to CVS last night
Erika
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 17:32You are the funniest human alive. Period.
Samantha
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 17:36Yes! This was the first blog post I read! Your great. Hahaha just kidding you’re great. But I do use your the wrong way alot. Which I learned is actually a lot, last year, at age 26.
Caryl
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 17:43Fantastic. I’m spamming my girlfriends with this post. We are all stage 3. Haaaaaa muahahahahahhahaha muahahaha
Um.
Sorry ’bout that.
Caryl
Frugal Vegan Mom
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 18:45omg that is so fucking true. did you make up all of those yourself? I swear I could go through every single valentine and come up with an example from my own marriage. 5 1/2 years, 2 year old child. right now he’s putting her to bed and then we will eat manicotti (the special dish he made me) and have some drinks and watch tv. same as every other night except for the manicotti! I don’t exactly think it’s fun, but I also wouldn’t want to be out dancing because I’m fried from dealing with a toddler all day…
Frugal Vegan Mom recently posted..The Year in Books, So Far.
Erica / Northwest Edible Life
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 20:10Well that was freakishly accurate. Stage One Gift: some fancy crap restaurant with a bunch of overworked servers dealing with amateurs who dine out by obligation once a year. Stage Two Gift: weekend away. Possibly far too much time in the car. Possible grudges about destination choice. Stage Three gift: Best yet! 4 hours of Housecleaning Service: other people come clean your toilet. Awesome. Other Stage Three’ers get it.
Erica / Northwest Edible Life recently posted..The Crappy Composter’s Secret To Perfect Compost
Kelly
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 20:26My husband and I both laughed out loud and shook our heads because we both live for the kids to go to bed so we can watch Downton Abbey, after eating a crap dinner. Uncanny. As soon as we think we are remotely unique people, stuff like this brings us back to our senses.
Kiran
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 20:39I found you today through a good friend of mine who thought we might hit it off because of our writing styles. I was like, “yeah, will check it out,” but am so glad I did. Love your humor and your slight irreverence.
Perfect. I will fight perfect parenting with you everyday with my very imperfect parenting. We can be like weird superheroes.
Kiran
Kiran recently posted..Sex and Candy – The 8 Rules of Engagement
Sustainable Eats
Thursday, 14 February, 2013 at 22:05Tears streaming down my face now. Thank you to http://www.nwedible.com/ for pointing me here, and thank you for putting this together. It was a lot of work bu OH SO FUNNY!
Sustainable Eats recently posted..Simple Lives Thursday #134
Kristi'smomma
Friday, 15 February, 2013 at 15:25Janelle,
Again I laughed so hard, this blog was me years and years ago. I am now divorced and I no longer search through the Valentine’s cards, for way too long, looking for the one card that says what I really felt… ” I HATE MY LIFE WITH YOU!!!” It’s just better not playing that game.
More power to all you strong and wonderful mother-goddesses out there, may you power be doubled this Valentine’s Day. If no one else told you this Valentine’s Day, I love you, I honor you, I respect and think the world of you. May you be blessed a thousand times a day for all you do. You are awesome, truly awesome gals, and the world will be different because you are here.
siobhan
Friday, 15 February, 2013 at 17:19Gah, I kind of hate you! I have stayed up til 930 the past two nights obsessively reading this blog. 930, yo! I have an 8mo old who wakes up every two hours still. See, I never taught him to self-soothe. 930 is the latest I’ve been up in months, and yes, that includes new years eve.
In ironic news, I was linked to this blog by the only person I know who has had a baby sprinkle. I’m not sure she read very thoroughly before posting the link.
anyway, love the valentines. Read the one about facial hair to my husband. He was unaware we are in like week seven of a mexican standoff over beard clippings in the sink. Now he knows.
Nicole
Saturday, 16 February, 2013 at 7:35Loved it!! We r stage 2 almost at stage 3. The cards were classic. Thanks 4 the laugh and the fact that my thoughts aren’t crazy!!
Knitting with Olof
Saturday, 16 February, 2013 at 11:24Thanks for a good laugh and the truth. Loved the cards. My gift to my husband after being married 10 years was that I helped my 3 and 4 year old make a card for him. LOL Lots of effort. Then by the time he got home with flowers and wine I went to bed with our 4 month old because I wasn’t feeling so hot. Yep. So sexy!
Knitting with Olof recently posted..Homegrown Honey Bees- Book review
Stacey
Saturday, 16 February, 2013 at 16:32Well . . . that was eerily accurate. And what the hell is up with passing gas in bed? He was JUST in the bathroom brushing his teeth. Why can’t he do it there? I don’t buy that “Everything settles when I lie down” bullshit.
Stacey recently posted..Ten Mistakes I’ve Made as a Pregnant First Time Mom
AfterMom.com
Sunday, 17 February, 2013 at 18:04You are absolutely hilarious!! I hope there is a book deal in your future. Thank you for giving me the laugh I needed today! Much appreciated!!
- Meryl
miranda
Monday, 18 February, 2013 at 8:32New reader, and I’m here to stay. You deserve your own comedy show. Thanks for helping me see the humor in my day to day.
MaryBeth West
Tuesday, 19 February, 2013 at 9:55So, yeah, I’m kinda geeky, because after reading this I accidentally found this Shakespeare sonnet, and check it out, he’s saying the same thing!
When my love swears that she is made of truth
I do believe her, though I know she lies,
That she might think me some untutor’d youth,
Unlearned in the world’s false subtleties.
Thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young,
Although she knows my days are past the best,
Simply I credit her false speaking tongue:
On both sides thus is simple truth suppress’d.
But wherefore says she not she is unjust?
And wherefore say not I that I am old?
O, love’s best habit is in seeming trust,
And age in love loves not to have years told:
Therefore I lie with her and she with me,
And in our faults by lies we flatter’d be.
Cath
Tuesday, 19 February, 2013 at 11:33Honesty! How refreshing.
Jocelyn
Tuesday, 19 February, 2013 at 12:50Seriouly I am laughing so hard I am crying and my children are so confused! You are halarious!!!!!!
Jocelyn recently posted..Family Day
Sarah
Thursday, 21 February, 2013 at 13:10DYING! I didn’t even pick up a card this year, or chocolates. Sex was his present and he was happy! Who knew! I’m now thinking if I hold off until the next holiday (his birthday is in July) he’d be perfectly fine with just sex and I could spend any and all money that I would spend on a gift for him, on myself! FABULOUS!