Alright, Caillou, you inexplicably bald child with the worst voice in the history of mankind, we need to talk.
But first, seriously, why are you bald? Are you 18 months old? No, no you’re not, you’re a preschooler. SO WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR HAIR? My kids are whiter than Christmas, and a couple of them were bald for a really long time, but by the time they were going to “play school,” even they at least had a respectable mullet.
Speaking of play school, what the fuck is “play school” and why can’t you call it “preschool” or “day care” like the rest of the world?
But really, that’s the least of our problems.
It’s clear to me you’re waging a war on the American people, running around households on the sly, disguised as some harmless cartoon when really you’re a small bald Satan with a diabolical plan.
I know what you’re doing. I see it. You’re trying to create a generation of entitled whiny-ass humans running around losing their shit because they want to go to the zoo NOW but they CAN’T because daddy has to work.
You won’t get away with it, little man, because some of us see through you. We know what you are.
Your voice alone should earn you permanent banishment from the gaze of innocent children: “I want to play with Leo NOW!”
“Rosie, this is MY GAME!!!”
“But I don’t want to go to play school, mommy!!!”
Look bitch. You’re going to play school.
NOW STOP TALKING.
Clementine and Leo hate you because you’re an asshole.
When Leo had a broken toe, what did you do? You whined because you wanted him to play with you NOW! Have you no consideration for the wounded? Have you no heart? Why don’t you just be grateful that your toe is INTACT and shut the hell up?
We already know the answer. Because you’re evil.
And Clementine. She sang the same song you wanted to sing at play school – I believe it was “Old MacDonald” – and you flipped your cookie as if the world had just ended, like you own that song, like the whole world is against small hairless humans. You know what? Despite the soothing tones of your teacher Julie (seriously what is she smoking because I WANT SOME) and the drivel exiting “grandma’s” mouth: nobody gives a shit.
Now, or ever.
Pick a different song you self-obsessed little monster.
“I CAN’T. IT’S TOO HARD!!!” Really, Caillou? When have you ever ONCE not been able to do something with those obviously twisted parents at your beck and call ALL DAY LONG, supporting your horrible (baby? Toddler? Kid?) antics with their nauseating proclamations of joy: “Good job, Caillou!”
They don’t mean it. You’re a horrible child.
You never get better. You never even vaguely improve. You just whine and whine and whine and fucking WHINE until something changes, and then you smile and get all happy when you get your way. So what’s the message to the young people: If you whine long enough, you’ll get your way! Leo will come to play!
Not in my house you little fucker.
Leo’s never comin’ over.
You keep saying “I’m doing it, if I practice, if I TRY” but then you never actually try anything. You just stand there and squeal for mommy or daddy or grandpa until they come and save you.
So you’re a liar. You’re a whiner and a liar.
Not to mention a manipulator. Take Rosie for example. You’re a big brother and as such you should at least PRETEND to have some patience for her, since she’s a baby. But you don’t. You don’t care. You just get in her face and bleat until you get your way: “May I have the bell for our scavenger hunt? Rosie, come onnnnnnn!”
Someday, Rosie’s gonna kick your ass.
And all of America is gonna watch it.
On another note, your rock-and-roll band sucks. “Caillou’s Rock and Roll Band” bites. It’s like the worst band in the world. Your animal noises and impersonations are equally bad. I’ve never ONCE thought you were an actual zebra.
So there.
Clearly your “mommy” and “daddy” aren’t going to tell you the truth, so I will: You’re something of a douchebag and you almost ruined my toddler.
One day she looked at me and said “But I want YOU to play with me, MOMMY!!!!”
And she had that lilt.
And she had that whiiiinnnnnnneeeee.
And she had entitlement seeping out of every pore.
And she called me “mommy,” which is banned in our house.
I knew what had to be done.
Two hours later, when she demanded she watch Caillou, I looked at her very seriously and said “I’m sorry, honey, but Caillou is dead.”
We buried him.
In the backyard.
With all the other horrible cartoon children trying to destroy America’s youth.
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Greta
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 13:21Love this.
Brennaj
Wednesday, 13 March, 2013 at 4:58Um, that should have said “leSbian”. Not that I have a problem with lesbian couples but just be frickin’ honest about what you’re showing the kids here and stop calling the one parent “Daddy”! They’re both MOMMY
Amber
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 13:23This is hysterical because my 3 year old has gotten really whiney and I literally told my husband yesterday that he’s not allowed to watch Caillou anymore for the same reasons you mentioned. He watches it before bed every night and I want to strangle myself. Thank you for this. No more Caillou.
Jenny
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 13:26THANK YOU!!! Yes, finally someone put into words what I have been thinking. How is this little bratty kid what we want our children to model. I have forwarded this post to several of my families, hoping that they get the hint and stop letting their children watch that HORRIBLE show!
Thank you for always making me smile
Miss Jenny
Marisa
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 13:30Caillou’s whiny voice is like nails on a chalk board. We do not watch this in our house! Thank you!!!
Tracy S
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 13:33HAHAHAHA!!! Finally, someone who loathes that annoying character. All whiny kids’ show characters drive me batty. Thankfully, Caillou had a relatively short shelf life with both my kids.
I’m expecting my 3rd, and I think we’ll just have to have an all out ban on Caillou.
Janine K
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 13:35Haven’t watched this one, but now I’m curious! Sounds horrid, but most modern cartoons do :/ teaching kids to be little brats o.0 why do we let them watch this crap!! I wish the husband and I were on the same page because the TV would be out the door!
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GG
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 13:35Yep, I accidentally watched this once while babysitting. The voice alone…. I cannot stand that kid!!!!
Sara
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 13:37Just be glad you don’t have to watch it in French at work! I work at the Montreal children’s hospital and we have all the DVDs. Imagine coming home only to have the theme song in your head on repeat. His voice is even more irritating en français!
MerriMayhem
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 13:41ROFLMAO… I almost peed myself. I loathed Caillou when my 15 year old was a toddler and watched his whiny ass. My little one has never, and will never, see that tiny hairless whiny bully.
Mehereen
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 13:41There should be an acronym for moms… Laughed out loud and then I peed a little…..LOLATIPAL…u think it will catch on;)
Danie'
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 14:00So funny! It had to be made by a mom who hated her kids, she made an annoying little kids show to teach all kids to be equally annoying….that way everyone would hate kids and stop having them lol. Then she’d win.
jessica
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 14:06“I’m sorry, honey, but Caillou is dead”
HAHAHA!
I said the same thing about SpongeBob last year. I tried my best to avoid it but, y know, it happens.
J-dizzle
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 14:41Ughhh….watching Spongebob should be punishment for shoplifting and kicking puppies!!
jessica
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 16:07For real
Stacey
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 14:11I feel lucky that I was forewarned about this show, and so neither I nor my kids have seen it. I have to admit I’m curious, but not curious enough to watch it. It seems like anyone who knows about it hates it, though, which makes me wonder how it’s still on the air.
jessica
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 16:09I hopped onto YouTube after reading this post and now I wish I wouldn’t have. My word of advice would be to just keep on keeping on and forget about it
Tracey aka KidLit!
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 14:20We first met Caillou in 2003. His voice grated on my nerves, but I was a first time mom, and the puppets were sooo cute!!! Then my sweet child started to whine “Mooommmmeeeeee!” And her answer to everything was “I don’t want to!!” It was then the still in affect BAN on anyhing Caillou was created.
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Casi Layne
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 14:30Caillou was also punished to death in our home. It had to be done.
J-dizzle
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 14:39You are a horrible person…I can’t believe you would say those things abou…..bahahaha just kiddin’….Caillou is a dick! What kind of a name is Caillou anyway? Pffttt…such a dick name!
Desiree
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 18:47This had me whisper-snort-laughing because I’m having my me time and I don’t want to wake anyone up because they’ll start wanting me to do stuff for them.
But Caillou freaked me out with his freakishly round bald head and that alone made him/it banned in our house. This post just made me glad I pre-emptively did it, before my kid caught on.
Now if I could have done the same for Yo Gabba Gabba. I have nightmares about those damn things.
Momtothree
Wednesday, 13 March, 2013 at 2:32A little culture here … caillou means pebble or stone in French. If someone is bald, they say “il n’a pas un cheveu sur le caillou” (he doesn’t have a hair on his head). So much for the etimology. I live in France, but mercifully, I don’t know this show. Perhaps it was considered suitable for export only, lol. Our main nightmare is manga imports. Dragonball Z gives me nightmares. It’s banned in our house now …
Kelli
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 14:57YES. I have always hated this show for ALL of these reasons!! Psh… Hubs and I have actually gone so far as to not subscribe to satellite or cable just so our Little won’t be exposed to the sad excuses for entertainment these days. We have mountains of DVD’s for her instead. Of the good old shows like Mr. Rodger’s and Sesame Street. Shows that actually TAUGHT your kids things instead of being a whiny brat.
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Dawn Pedersen
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 15:02I never saw Calliou and never hope to. According to reserach cited by the book Nurture Shock, “educational cartoons” are modelling really bad behavior instead of good behavior, and its showing up in our kids.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kari-henley/nurture-shock-how-praise_b_450937.html
“Ithaca conducted a follow up study to review 470 half-hour television programs commonly watched by children, and recorded every time a character insulted someone or put someone down.
“Ninety-six percent of all children’s programming includes verbal insults, and of the 2,628 put-downs identified, only 50 circumstances featured some sort of reprimand or correction — and not once in an educational show. ‘Fully 84 percent of the time there was only laughter or no response at all,’ found Dr. Cynthia Scheibe.
“‘The more kids watched, the crueler they’d be to their classmates,’ Ostorov reported from the Minnesota study. ‘The correlation was 2.5 times higher than the correlation between violent media and physical aggression. They were increasingly bossy, controlling, and manipulative, and it was stronger than the connection between violent media and physical aggression.’”
That’s why I’m proud my kid watches classic Looney Tunes, explosions and all. Those cartoons helped me grow into a compassionate, non-entitled, non-violent adult.
Dawn Pedersen recently posted..Sesame Street Live: Can’t Stop Singing
Stephanie
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 15:24Clementine and Leo hate you because you’re an asshole.
HA!!
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Erika
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 15:47Calliou was banned a LONG time ago in my house! I couldn’t figure out why my then 3 year old would be a terror after watching – then I realized…Calliou. Things have been so much better since his banishment. He is so awful – who likes Calliou? Anyone???
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dixiebelle
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 16:22Hilarious and spot on as always. You should start your own cartoon, well, comins strip at least… it could feature your FTM mascot.
dixiebelle
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 16:23Comic strip, fuck it.
Teri
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 17:14i frikken love this! never liked that kid…. “Not in my house you little fucker.” lolatipal
bonnie
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 17:41I have never heard of Caillou. Where the heck is he from with a name like that? And why is “mommy” a no-no?
Catherine
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 18:14My first kid didn’t need a haircut until he was 2 1/2.
I have never seen Caillou. Sounds awful.
But there is an absolute Dora BAN in my house- ban extends to both grandma’s houses too.
We only have YouTube for cartoons in our house, and once I let him watch a Thomas the Train/ Biggie mashup. Oops, shoulda had my coffee first that day.
Sarah
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 18:16We don’t watch that one at my house either; it’s right up there with “Hello Kitty” in my book. We sick to Blue’s Clues (the first seasons, before the clues start talking and explaining themselves) and Busytown Mysteries around here. My daughter got a Doc McStuffins DVD and it isn’t half bad. The biggest side effect from that one is my four year old wandering around the house trying to give everyone “check-ups.” LOL
JessMess
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 18:32Calliou and Barney are NOT ALLOWED in our house.
Amanda
Tuesday, 12 March, 2013 at 19:22Caillou was banned in my home pretty quickly after the first “but I don’t want to, mommy”. That shit don’t fly in my house. They try to watch it once in awhile when I’m not paying attention but I tell my two straight up that Caillou’s behavior is unacceptable and annoying.
Brennetta
Wednesday, 13 March, 2013 at 4:51Was disappointed you didn’t rip on his lebian mommy and “daddy” more. Write another one about them and their pot farm. Why does mommy wear an Olive Oyl shirt all the time? I don’t know any grown woman who wears a red hairband everyday who isn’t “special”. Why can’t daddy get a haircut so he looks more manly or at least comb it once in a while! I could go on, but my kid wants me to play with him NOW
Julie
Wednesday, 13 March, 2013 at 6:16Amen, sister. That’s all I can say. We despise Caillou!! He’s a scary bald douche.
Kat
Wednesday, 13 March, 2013 at 6:54I hate Caillou with a fiery passion I reserve for few things. It’s the whine that really gets me. Ugh.
Allison
Wednesday, 13 March, 2013 at 7:27I remember the first time I watched a commercial depicting the next caillou episode. At first I thought to myself, wow they are making a kid appropriate show illustrating the life of a child who has cancer.
That turned out to be wrong….so so wrong.
I concur that Caillou is a little bitch/dick/punk/fucker…what have you…and I have also come to the conclusion, after watching a few episodes with my kids (pre caillou ban)that his dad is a closet homosexual. So I think it’s fair to say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Amy
Friday, 15 March, 2013 at 17:41I thought he had cancer as well, but then they never mentioned it in the show so was thinking maybe that disease where your hair falls out but they never mentioned that either. LOVE this post!!!!
Sarah
Wednesday, 13 March, 2013 at 8:14I could have written this exact post, but mine would have been about that little shit on Fairly Odd Parents. THAT is one hell of a douchebag kid. Show is banned in my house!
Caillou’s parents are SAINTS. I want some of that happy sauce too!
sarah
Wednesday, 13 March, 2013 at 10:41hahaha YES i hate this little bastard! a kid i used to nanny for loved him but his parents and i would never let him watch it. we called him cryou.
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Kelly
Wednesday, 13 March, 2013 at 14:32Every single Caillou quote was read in my head using his whining little Caillou voice. I thank you for killing him and burying him in your backyard, but I may have to re-think following your blog due to Caillou voice in my head.
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Meagan
Wednesday, 13 March, 2013 at 14:36My hatred of him, and my kids love and adoration of him made me google him for what I can’t remember but came across many hate posts, the greatest was one that said his parents were brother and sister because there is only one set of grandparents and they look exact alike, and I think their names are Doris and Boris, bwahahaha
And I put the kibosh on him when my kid told Santa she couldn’t find her dinosaur rexy , which is exactly what that kid told Santa too, and then she wanted me to sing to her at bedtime the songs his mother sings to him, barf
C Smith
Wednesday, 13 March, 2013 at 15:03I could bitch all day about kid shows that I hate, but that would only make it clear that I HAVE NO LIFE beyond toddlerville here. So I will only say that Caillou makes the top 10, along with Ruby Gloom (Goth training for kids), and Max and Ruby (where the hell are their parents?).
Melanie
Wednesday, 13 March, 2013 at 15:15Caillou is not allowed in our house.
Heather
Wednesday, 13 March, 2013 at 15:58Caillou I believe is Canadian, which would explain the name and the ‘play school’. But still, hate the show. My son watched it a couple times and got bored, lucky me.
Meghen
Thursday, 14 March, 2013 at 10:04Soooo glad I’m not alone on this. Like several others, I wonder how he’s still on tv.
Leah
Thursday, 14 March, 2013 at 21:13I am 17 now, and my parents didn’t let me or my little brother watch much TV at all when we were very young (Playmobil, Legos, and books ftw!) but when I was maybe 5, I got to watch a little bit….and Caillou turned me off TV. Even when I was his age (older..? How old is he supposed to be again?) I couldn’t stand him- for all these reasons! I thought he was annoying and whiny and mean. And his parents and that freaky puppet cat were irritating too.
Elena
Thursday, 14 March, 2013 at 22:50Caillou is banned from our house. Lil Miss started crossing her arms and saying “No I don’t want to.” That was the end of it. We told her Caillou taught her bad things and now when she happens to see it on tv she comes running to us saying “Caillou is on quick turn it off.”
jill (mrs chaos)
Friday, 15 March, 2013 at 9:55I can’t handle Caillou. At all.
Luckily my kids are way past the Caillou age, but damn. Seriously.
AC
Friday, 15 March, 2013 at 13:47Thank you. I have never understood the appeal of this kid. My children watched it exactly once and after all the whining and crappy sibling behavior it’s been banned. Now, it’s time to take on Olivia — she is so disrespectful!
Helsbells
Friday, 15 March, 2013 at 15:10Oh my, I had never heard of Caillous so I looked on youtube, I wish I hadn’t
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Cassie
Thursday, 11 April, 2013 at 11:59This might be my favorite post of All time! not sure what that says about me(probavly that im awesome)! I’m reading your backlogs.and so enjoying everything you are writing. Well done! Now down with caillou! Not allowed in my house anymore by the way. So much happier without that bald little jerk face.
Oh and why does his Dad wear a sweater no matter the weather but Caillou is always in a tee shirt and shorts? Like its -2 in Canada and Caillou is walking around like its August in Arizona. I don’t understand sooo much about that show and its writers! Why are they punishing us as parents. We’re just here trying to get by and they are purposefully making it hard for us!
Wow! I’m apparently wayyy too passionate on the whole Caillou issue. Pent up cartoon rage!