If you tilt your head to one side and squint, my yelling will look like “gratefulness”

by renegademama

I would just like to announce that I have officially lost control of my children.

I thought I lost control when child 3 entered the world, but I hadn’t.

I lost it Sunday. Or at least I realized it Sunday. It was confirmed today.

You see, child 3 has grown old enough to follow the directions of her older siblings, which brings the number of insane noise-makers with remarkably poor judgment to THREE.

You know how many there are of me? ONE.

So we’re driving home on Sunday in our big-ass SUV and all three kids are lined up in one seat (long story), and they start having “fun.” You know, “fun,” as in the silly crap kids do that I’m supposed to think is “cute” but really I just find annoying, which simultaneously makes me feel guilty and inadequate, because as a mother I’m supposed to bask in the antics of my little ones, RIGHT? So I’m irritated, guilt-ridden and questioning my capacity for mothering while wanting to stab myself in the face. Just another day in paradise.

More on that later.

So anyway they get bored and start making Georgia repeat some line from horrible show like 27,000 times, and they’re squealing and laughing and making noises that remind me of what I imagine a donkey on meth might sound like. It’s as if the noises are actually SCRATCHING MY BRAIN OUT. Like I can see it in shreds at my feet. A big pile of it.

Ok that was graphic, but you feel me, right?

I gently ask them to settle down. IGNORED.

I sternly ask them to settle down. They’re quiet for approximately 47 seconds.

They giggle and start up again.

I look over at Mac (I’m driving, of course. I’m always driving. It’s not my fault the man can’t drive properly.), and you know what he’s doing? SMILING.

I swear to you he’s giggling. AS IF IT’S CUTE.

His eyes mock my agony: “Aren’t they sweet?” they seem to say, “Aren’t you glad we have kids?”

No joke, this strange species of human thinks this crap is charming. I want to kill myself and he’s looking at me like “Let’s have another, please?”

And that, people, is why my kids will always, ALWAYS like their dad more than they like me. On the plus side, I figure he’ll balance out my generally poor attitude and short temper. I mean one patient parent is enough, right? You know, to raise well-adjusted children? Let’s talk about something else.

So clearly he’s no help. I’m in this alone.

I plug in my phone and turn up Macklemore really, really loud, hoping to drown out the sound of their death screams. I meant “playful songs.”

Doesn’t work. Just gets them louder.

I tell myself I’m a rock in a stream.

I follow my breath like Thich Nhat Hanh says I should.

I remind myself it’s just 20 more minutes to the house.

Then I yell. Loud.

“BE QUIET! I can’t take this anymore!! NO MORE TALKING! NOT ANOTHER SOUND! The next kid to scream is doing an hour of chores when we get home!”

That shit used to work. You know what happened this time? They made church straight-faces for about 12 seconds then burst into laughter when Georgia announced “I pedo” (I fart).

And that’s when I knew: I’ve yelled so much they don’t even hear me anymore. Well shit, that’s rad. My kids have become immune to me.  Parenting WIN!

I recalled reading somewhere once that if you yell at your kids too much eventually they stop acknowledging your yells. Apparently that’s true. Who knew? Guess I’ll have to start some more advanced parenting approaches, maybe like, um, well fuck. I don’t actually know any advanced parenting approaches.

Please don’t share any with me. I have a mental block against improving as a parent. Actually I just hate helpful parenting advice. We’ve been over that. I much rather prefer blowing it enough times I give up and try something new.

Don’t ever say I don’t have a system.

So I resign myself to the chaos. I give the whole situation a mental “fuck it” and turn on Kingsley Flood (my most recent band obsession) as loud as I want, and start singing.

Eventually I forget the demon spawn. Sort of.

As we drive along my mind drifts to the words I’ve heard so many times: “Why do you have children if you’re just going to complain about them?”  Having just done a large amount of mental complaining about my children, the sentiment was particularly poignant.

You chose to have kids. Deal with it.

As if deciding to do something in life negates the possibility that that thing might get hard at some point, and you’ll want to express that. As if pursuing a path results in nothing but infinite joy as you follow it through the years.

You made this bed, sleep in it. Don’t expect us to listen to you whine.

And I wonder if this sentiment is equally distributed among all professions, or if there is a special expectation reserved for mothers, a special spot carved out just for us: Because we’re “mothers,” we’re “nurturers,” right?

And nurturers don’t want to launch themselves out of a moving Expedition on account of the horrible noises being emitted by their offspring.

They love that shit. They match chaos with fortitude, serenity, perspective.

They had these kids because they just love it. All of it: the noise chaos squeals cackling kicking crying and bickering. Obviously.

[Or, they marry a dude who loves it hoping he’ll make up for their deficiencies. I jest. I had no idea he was like that. ]

Well, check this out, my friends. I’m going to say this loud and clear: I don’t love it all. I particularly don’t love feeling like I’ve lost control of my kids. Some people are going to read this and say “Well, if she were a better mother she wouldn’t be having these problems.”

AND I’M SURE THAT’S TRUE.

But the fact is I’m not a better mother. I’m this mother and my kids irritate the hell out of me sometimes and I don’t handle it well. I’m this mother and I don’t love every second of child-rearing and this is my job and sometimes it FEELS LIKE A JOB just like any other job a human might have, and if the world thinks I need to shut my mouth and suck it up like some grateful puppy begging at the door of my master, well the world can bite me.

Mothers are doing some seriously hard work, as hard as any work being done anywhere. And we won’t hide our sweat or shut the hell up because society thinks we should bow our heads in gratefulness at the profound opportunity to be mothers.

We are grateful, and it is profound. OTHERWISE WE WOULDN’T BE DOING IT – day in and day out. It’s not that we’re doing more or less than anybody else in the world. We are just doing a very particular kind of work, sometimes thankless work, and for some reason we face an expectation that we do it gracefully, gratefully, smiling, full of laughter and sunshine, all the time. Because it’s beautiful, pastel motherhood!

Frankly, it’s fucking ridiculous.

Motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it’s raw and messy and real. And yet, I’m doing it. I’m always already doing it. Against my better judgment, I keep on keepin’ on.

As do you.

But we don’t have to do this alone, and we sure as hell don’t need to do it quietly.

 

Forgive us if our voices grate on your ears, upset your groove, irritate the living hell out of you.

We know how that feels.

We deal with it every day.

 

What's the big deal, mom?

What’s the big deal, mom?

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more stuff I shouldn't have said out loud:

  • Jem

    Yep.

    I love my kids. I even love spending time with my kids (sometimes).

    But … my favourite part of the day is 5 minutes past bedtime when they’re both asleep.

       9 likes

  • Megan

    Please, DON’T EVER STOP WRITING!!!! I need you!! Ok, that sounds weird. But seriously, you say what I’m thinking, but in a more polished, funny way! Thank you for validating me!

       15 likes

    • Marisa

      Agree!

         0 likes

  • Melissa

    I feel exactly the same way!!! I love my little turds with all my heart, but sometimes I just want to lock them in a closet and turn up the music super loud so I can pretend they don’t exist for a few minutes! My 3 yr old has reached the stage where he literally never stops talking. Ever. It’s a nightmare!
    And all the insensitive a-holes who think we suck for feeling that way really just don’t get it! People who have paying jobs, they get weekends, they get to leave their job and go home, they get vacations. Moms? We live at our job, never get to leave it, never get a weekend, never get a vacation. Anyone in their right mind would freaking lose it if they were in the same boat! No one but a stay at home parent can truly understand that!
    We are amazing moms, we just aren’t afraid to admit the truth about the sucky part of parenting, and all the moms who brag about having nothing but undying 24/7 love for their kids are full of it!

       12 likes

    • sonia

      yep. my only child started talking when he was 1.5 years. he is 10 years old on tuesday and he only stops talking to sleep. i don’t mind the talking, i do mind that i have to be constantly CONSTANLTY engaged in conversation. yesterday in the car (two hour drive): through gritted teeth, “okay, i’m going to not speak for a while now”. and that makes him cry. sigh.

         2 likes

  • SummerLIly

    Hi! I just found your blog a couple days ago. My kids irritate the hell out of me. I love them ton’s, but they still annoy me. I yell a lot in the car. For some reason my 1 year old screams nonstop while in the car seat and my 3 year old yells back at him. Then I yell, it gets pretty loud in there…..Eventually I just try my hardest to ignore them (it’s so very hard though!). Thanks for writing with such honesty. I can totally relate!

       1 likes

  • Jennifer B. / Brooklyn

    A-freakin-men. All of those people who chant “you asked for this; you should be grateful; a better parent wouldn’t bitch” well, they come from another planet. Or they need therapy to admit their real feelings. Or…I don’t know. They need to shut up. The truth is that we’re not supposed to be doing this as alone as we often are. There are supposed to be dozens of other people around, aunties, cousins, other mothers (and fathers) to step in and take that child away for an hour, a day, a week. That is the way it was done all over the planet for millenia. Then, about sixty / seventy years ago, this dynamic changes and mothers are supposed to pick up the slack left by the absence of all of those other people, and – as if that’s not enough – we’re supposed to be gracious, grateful, joyous about getting left in the trenches.
    I am grateful. I do my best to be gracious. But fuck anybody who has a problem with my occasional griping. Maybe if they lent a hand, we mothers wouldn’t be so damned tired all the time.
    On a lighter note, Renegade Mama, keep on keepin on; we love you.

       18 likes

    • melissa

      It’s true. Not to mention, all the children are supposed to hang out with each other. And modern living infantilizes them, making them dependent longer. I recently read that kids as little as five can catch a frog and cook it. How much easier would my life be if my kid took off for hours and cooked his own frogs?!

         20 likes

      • Kendra

        I. Love. You!!!!!

           0 likes

  • Jugger

    I am a stay at home Dad and … thank God I eventually found your blog. THIS! All of this. I absolutely hate parenting advice. I think if people are honest most of us do. Maybe the very few of us with great Moms don’t mind it from her? Anyway when my daughter was born I resolved to keep a journal. This blog is what I hoped my inane scratchings would look like … Now that I have found Renegade Mothering I’m deciding to concentrate on that comic book about Romans and Zombies instead …

       11 likes

  • Kateri Von Steal

    *nods*

    I understand, and identify with this.

    Oh boy do I.

       1 likes

  • Willow

    THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for this! This is my whole mothering experience as well…every bit of it…even down to knowing that my kids will always like their father more than me because he enjoys their antics more. This is some seriously hard shit, and the more we all admit it and bring it out into the open, the less everyone will think it’s supposed to be all ponies and lollipops. By denying it, and covering up the messiness of it, we just make some other mothers feel worse. So, thanks for keeping it real. Thanks for describing my mothering personality to a tee. Thanks for being honest. That’s what matters most.

       3 likes

  • Cheryl S.

    There are days I want to run away from home, just to get a moment’s peace. I totally get it. I love my daughter more than my life, but there are days when I just want her to shut up for 5.fucking.seconds!

    And then I feel guilty. But it’s the truth. And all the Santi-mommies out there who would judge can go to hell.

    Love, hugs, and quiet!

       4 likes

    • Cheryl S.

      That should say sancti-mommies!

         1 likes

  • Marisa

    The hardest part of the day is first thing in the morning. I am not a morning person, and my daughter is. She wakes up bright and early, EVERY DAY. It doesn’t matter when we go to bed, she’s up at the crack. Then as soon as she is up she is chattering away at me. I am still trying to dust the cobwebs out of my brain, I can’t answer questions or carry a conversation. So, every morning, she gets TV time. While I sit here and catch up on my emails, and drink a cup of tea, and try to wake up.

       2 likes

  • Carlisle

    I always feel you judge yourself too harshly. So, here’s a story…when I got pregnant, I want from a punk-rock-screeching-Nancy-Spungen-wannabe-trainwreck to one big insta-earth-mother-hippie-chill-pill. Little did I know that was just the morning sickness talking, for about 5 months. In this five months, I felt like I was going to be the most patient, most serene, most wonderful bestest mother ever who never yells, who has children who obey promptly and quietly because I had worked out the perfect disciplinary system and we had open communication, I would never ever have to yell. Which, if you knew anything about me, you’d laugh and laugh and laugh at the notion.

    I already have lost my patience with my child and she’s only 8 months! Naps are a bitch. bedtime’s a bitch. All she wants to do is hit her head on shit with her newfound standing up on (and letting go of)shit. I feel like a terrible mother. I asked my birthboard on babycenter if anyone else’s baby had hit their heads 15+ times in the last three months? Terrible idea.

    Sigh. I feel like a bad mom quite a bit already… but I try not to let it get to me. No matter what we did, we will ALL fuck our kids up somehow.

       4 likes

    • Sarah

      I could’ve written this myself. Punk rock motherhood at its finest. :)

         0 likes

  • Karen Hug-Nagy

    Well said. My kids drive me nuts and it’s already a short drive. Most days I’m wishing I would have had my uterus removed at age 13. I so appreciate your honesty, so many out there with kids refuse to tell the truth. I have compared my twins (13 now) to Velociraptors, that oughta tell the world how I feel, BUT, I will always be responsible for guiding them to adulthood and teaching them to be kind but that doesn’t mean I have to love every minute of it.

       1 likes

  • Stephanie

    This made me feel so much better. My little asses are immune to me too. I love them more than anything in this whole world… but holy crap! Jacob is 8 Hailey is 3 1/2 and Ethan is 2 1/2. They’re a year apart to the day. I love reading things like this… it makes me realize that all kids are the same. Loud, irritating little buttholes. They sure have cute faces though.

       0 likes

  • Stephanie

    I’ve been really high-strung, trying to get our house set to be sold, on top of fifty other things. I took my daughter out with me yesterday to change her scenery, and I needed to de-stress. A song I liked came on (I think it was Fun. or something), so I cranked up the volume, thinking I could jimmy myself out of my bad mood. Instead, my daughter screamed, “Mommy? Mommy? Mommy! MOMMY! the entire length of the song. I just turned the radio off at that point. Sometimes it’s just not worth it.

       0 likes

  • Tupla

    So true. Everything you’ve said here. I had decided for myself that no matter how much I love my son, I HAVE to treat motherhood as a job (because it is: its a relationship for the benefit of one person (the child), just like therapy), and it was a relief for me to make this conscious decision. It’s a job that I generally love but am allowed to hate sometimes. And if you think of it as a job, you realize its perfectly normal to want to take a vacation from it sometimes.

       2 likes

  • Juanita

    Thanks for making me laugh a lot ~ and cry a little ~ at the prospect of another human on this planet that is lost in the sea of parenting as well. Just like all the other responses, I can totally relate. I feel like a complete failure most days and appreciate your blunt honesty. I have all ages levels (16, 9 & 2 – all girls!) and I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, except making glorious mistakes. I think the best thing to do is just accept that I will mess my kids up, that it is inevitable. It’s such a freaking struggle. Life is too short, find joy in each day, quality over quantity, make each day count, it’s the little things – all cliches that make it seem like spending time with my kids should be this special Hallmark card moments that are to be looked back upon with fondness. The reality is FAR different and its so frustrating! Example: Time at the pool: (In my head) Laughter, splash games, relaxation (In reality) Kids fighting, screaming, crying, dirty, clingy. How do you attain those “good times” when you are the only one with that vision and your kids are like mood Ninja’s bent on destruction? It’s impossible. So thank you for your honest expressions – and for making me feel less insane. You rock.

       1 likes

  • Stella

    A friend of mine had her first baby awhile ago, who happened to have the worst case of colic known to humankind. After months of hell, she looked at me and said “you know when you hear on the news of woman leaving their babies on doorsteps of hospitals or at police stations? I get it now..” She had such guilt about even thinking it, and that’s maybe the hardest part about this gig as a Mama. We are TOLD we are supposed to LOVE every minute of it. I have two of mine and another on the way, who drive me nuts every day (especially in the car, what is it about the car??) But they are my favorite people, they can seriously make my heart swell to the point I think it’s about to explode. Thanks for the space where we can all feel comfortable being at the end of both these extremes.

       5 likes

  • Tracey aka KidLit!

    I am right there with ya. *insert something insanely witty here* My children have robbed me of my creativity and are currently using it to destroy my house. Too tired to catch them and get it back.

       2 likes

  • Virginia

    I’v spent the last month reading your blog. Every last word. I only read the comments from a few posts including the last one and my heart sunk at all the negativity. Your feelings and emotions t’wards motherhood mirror my own. Im a stay at home mom of three between 9 and 2 and despite the fact I love them so much it hurts, they drive me nuts. ALL THE TIME. I too yell so much they either ignore me or laugh. Once I lost my voice for three weeks and I could only whisper and everyone listened and did as I asked. It was amazing. Why I haven’t learned from this is beyond me. You are the voice of real moms (and some dads). Keep on keepin’ on.

       2 likes

  • Steph

    Get out of my head :) This is why I’m thankful I work.

       0 likes

  • Heather

    Again there are no words to describe why I love you so much! One reason is this ” So I’m irritated, guilt-ridden and questioning my capacity for mothering while wanting to stab myself in the face. Just another day in paradise.”…um….YES!!! I feel this ALL the time. The thing is as mother’s we are raising people that are going to be members living on this planet. Everyone always has an opinion of the right and wrong way to do that. I think it is funny when people say shit like ” kids today are so much worse than when I was little.” That really is BULLSHIT! Kids are kids ALWAYS! Since the beginning of time 12 yr. olds have always acted like 12 yr. olds…because they are 12. It doesn’t matter. My grandmother always thought kids today are shitty. But guess what…so did her grandmother, and her grandmother thought the same too. Because that is how it is. Everyone grows up and thinks…” ooh…when I was a kid we listened to our parents.” No you didn’t. Just ask your parents and I bet that have some stories of your shittiness. As mom’s we are judged by people on every level. Anytime I take my kids to the store and one of them is not acting right…( because sometimes that happens)..I get either the “why don’t you beat that kid” look…or the ” what did you do to that kid” look! It’s annoying! AND then when these kids actually get to a place where they start acting like normal people because they grow up…then they move out and that’s it! WAIT a minute…you were a crazy person for the last 18 yrs. and now that you are half way normal your leaving. Whatever!! When people say one day you will miss this…uh no…I will NEVER miss the blood curdling screams that come from those little people, or the constant fighting that they do with each other.

       2 likes

  • Breezy

    You are hilarious.

    A donkey on meth…. I just about choked on my coffee.

    Love it.

       3 likes

  • Sarah

    I walks around muttering,”I quit, I f’ing quit this job”, like the guy with the red stapler from Office Space when my kids are going nuts lisp and all. There is no peace and serenity in motherhood. It is chaos. I call my children harbingers of entropy. So glad to know others are out there who feel like me too, albeit I’m usually yelling I want to punch myself in the face instead of utilizing cutlery…

       1 likes

  • Kathy G

    My Dad used to pull over and punch us in the shoulder when the bickering pushed him over the edge. He had a holler that rattled windows and scared the shit out of me but that was not enough to let my little brother get the last word or for him to not be tortured half to death by me looking at him. Anyway, we weren’t scarred emotionally by the shoulder punching and while I don’t advocate it, I’d like to remind you that you can’t drop kids off at the shelter nor put shock collars on them and drinking lots of vodka are not viable solutions and fucking hell, kids are assholes sometimes. The other ideas I have are earplugs and maybe valium.

       2 likes

  • Rachael

    Long time lurker, first time poster.

    “As if deciding to do something in life negates the possibility that that thing might get hard at some point, and you’ll want to express that. As if pursuing a path results in nothing but infinite joy as you follow it through the years.”

    “But the fact is I’m not a better mother. I’m this mother and my kids irritate the hell out of me sometimes and I don’t handle it well. I’m this mother and I don’t love every second of child-rearing and this is my job and sometimes it FEELS LIKE A JOB just like any other job a human might have”

    Yes. Just yes. To all of it, but particularly those parts. Please keep writing. I read every post even if I never comment and you speak to me and for me. Thank you for that.

       5 likes

  • Sam

    Lady, you made it farther than me. My oldest is 5 and youngests (yes two) are 1. They officially have tunes out angry mama. Oh let chaos reign! I’ve spent the last few months going holy shit now what! And I’ve been trying to jump on that peaceful parenting train for 3 years but I get to that epic running behind the train, jumping on awkwardly and falling back off stage over and over. But now, now that they’ve completely tuned me out I’m understanding the peaceful tactics better… Not that it isn’t mixed in with “Jesus Christ if you don’t listen I will drive you to an empty parking lot and leave you there!” But I’m starting to really step back hah. I don’t know what the duck I’m doing. Hooray for motherhood and all the insanity!

       1 likes

  • lisaeggs

    Yes, I agree, Motherhood IS the hardest thing. And I don’t think anyone loves everything about it. That would be psychotic.

    I think you are a really, really great mom! So glad you are writing! xoxo

       2 likes

  • adrenac

    “…well,the world can bite me.”
    LOL! pretty much sums it up for me!

       1 likes

  • Rana Wright

    Oh boy!! I hear ya sister! I adopted my wee man and so the guilt of “wanting to be a mother” plays even more at times because I literally did sign up for this craziness! As in, I signed the dotted the line…and it is HARD!!!! With a great, big side of WTF? But the days he tells me “Mama, you look pretty in that dress” make heart melt and then 5 seconds later he is picking his nose and eating it and I wonder if I will ever be the mother good enough to teach my kid you can pick your nose BUT just don’t eat it!!!!

       3 likes

    • Gretchen

      No, no…let him eat it! Because, as absolutely disgusting as that is, the alternative is going to be picking his nose and then wiping it on something. And if I can give you only one guarantee in life, it will be that whatever he wipes that booger on will NOT be a tissue that can or will subsequently be binned. Oh no. Those boogers will end up in his clothes, on the floor, on the chairs, on the table, in his bed, on you, on your food…the list is endless. It make me nauseous seeing my daughter pick her nose and eating the profits. But what my son does with his? No, it is much, MUCH worse when they don’t eat it.

         0 likes

  • Jocy

    Thank-you!

       0 likes

  • Jess

    Love it! What the hell are we supposed to do, give our two weeks notice and quit? No, no, that’s not a possibility in the career of Motherhood. Well, I guess it is, but we all know what’s said about those mothers.

       0 likes

  • Amy

    I didn’t get a chance to read this when it showed up in my inbox and I m so glad I saved it for today!!!!! Today is a day where I just want to put myself in time out and stay there. The kids are battling that they just want the tv on and I hear the voices of all the perceivied “perfect mommies” telling me how their kids never watch tv, blah, blah, blah! If I turn it on, they might leave me alone for a while!!!!!!!!!! Instead I have sent them off to play with the piles of toys bestowed on them in hopes of a break (although I can hear them fighting over EVERY FLIPPIN THING WE OWN) Motherhood is wonderful and sucks ass, often at the same bloody time. Crappy benefits, no sick leave and you have to take them with you on vacation!

       0 likes

  • Heather

    Yes, thanks. I was just thinking how odd our culture is about motherhood. You aren’t allowed to say its hard; that is seen as complaining about something you apparently signed up for. First of all, how can you know what you’ve signed up for? It isn’t possible to know how ridiculously hard it will be. Also, I have “signed up for’” many things in life that I later complained about. Why the need to pretend and be fake about parenthood?! I’m a new mom and have not found any ‘real’ moms who tell it like it is and aren’t afraid to say they too find it ridiculously hard, sob a bit too often, snap at their husbands regularly, and hate parts of their new life. Thank you for your honesty.

       1 likes

  • Rose

    oh man I’m laughing so hard … cos you get me … or so it feels reading this, every damn word I could have said THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart! On to the next post as I only just found you, I’m gonna be laughed out by the time I go to bed tonight!) X

       0 likes

  • Kirsten Nelson

    Donkey on meth…I think I also know what that would sound like. :)

       0 likes

  • Elizabeth

    I know you said no parenting advice..
    But, I wanted to offer chain smoking as a completely health and helpful coping mechanism. I have 5, and a husband who is currently living in another state. Say it with me, “chain smoking.”

       3 likes

    • Libby

      Oh geez that made me laugh! Possibly because I am a smoker (although I have never been a chain smoker … or possibly I have been but the links are just quite long, lol)

         0 likes

  • Mark

    I couldn’t agree with you more! In my house I am the one at home with them all the time. I chose this job to spend more time with my kids. I love them to death, but sometimes I just want to jump right out the window rather than take anymore of the noise. I think if we as parents didn’t feel this way every once in a while, we’d be robots, and robots raising our kids is just a scary thought. Thank you for being human.

       0 likes

  • Tina

    Amen to that! I spend more time screaming at my kids to be nice to each other, than I do actually playing with them, I think. I have a 4 year old boy and a 14 year old girl…oil and water!!! I just want to lock myself in my room and have a good ugly face cry, but the screaming and pounding on the door might just put me over the edge.
    I enjoy going to work everyday, because at least then I can pee in privacy! lol

       0 likes

  • maggi

    I’m a grammie now and my kids are grown. I distinctly remember the Times I would drive past those self storage places and fantasize about renting a space just so I could have quiet dark place to sit for a while. I wasn’t a perfect Mom, also not the worst in the world. We are all somewhere in the middle, no matter how hard we try. I regret some of my decisions and reactions, but I don’t regret any of the time we spent enjoying things together reading, vacations, playing, or even just watching them. Sometimes my husband & would refer to them as live entertainment. We had three children, and lost one of them when he was twenty. Now all the memories, good and bad, are precious to me. Of course this is hard, but you will make it through. And when you get there, grandchildren rock!

       1 likes

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