One of the main reasons I started this blog is because every time I go anywhere with the standard human population, I feel at times like an alien, particularly among other parents and their kids. Parents seem way more into this than I am, and their kids kind of seem like dicks. In general.
Sorry, but true.
Look, I don’t looooove being called a “breeder,” because surely there is little more to parenthood than fucking and birthing and nursing like a goddamn border collie, and I think the phrase “child-free” is rather hilarious in its connotation that kids are some sort of unpleasant condition to avoid, like lice or debt or termites.
On the other hand, the term is a reaction to “child-LESS,” which implies a lacking, which reflects the way society looks at people without kids as less than and deficient, which is also clearly bullshit.
As an optimist, I feel we could find some middle ground between KIDS ARE THE MEANING OF LIFE and KIDS ARE HEAD LICE.
But whatever. I’ve always been a dreamer.
Honestly, I get why a portion of the child-free crew hates us though.
I would too.
In fact, I already do, and I am firmly planted in “breeder” status.
Because on the whole, parents can be pretty obnoxious and we often do it with an air of pretense, running around sure we have more fulfilling lives while our kids ruin your dinner (which we already discussed).
I often think, my god, if I were judging all parents by this sight, I WOULD NEVER HAVE KIDS.
Take the other day, for example. I went to a petting zoo at a pumpkin patch with my kid’s first-grade class, where I saw a few kids in a pen with a baby cow.
Um, calf. It’s called a calf. I’m so country.
Anyway, I’m chaperoning along with 75% of the rest of the kids’ parents, and I’m standing outside the pen watching these kids with the calf. There are five kids in a small enclosure with the animal, and three of them are tormenting the shit out of the poor thing.
They’re squealing and tapping his head and darting this way and that, running in circles, and you can see the poor calf getting confused and agitated with no escape from the little bastards.
I look around and see at least three parents watching this and doing nothing.
I immediately remember why I hate people.
HOW THE HELL CAN YOU WATCH THIS AND NOT DO ANYTHING? WHY HUMANS WHY.
To make it worse, I realize the worst two offending kids’ parents are standing right there, and I think, well I shouldn’t say anything because thou shalt not parent other people’s children, but then I realized NOPE this is bullshit. I’m not going to watch this happen.
I’m not the police. I give very few fucks about what other people do. But this is an innocent animal. This ain’t right.
So I tell the kids, “Hey you all need to stop running around. You need to stand there and gently pet the cow or get out of the pen. You are tormenting him.”
Kids: “What does that mean?”
Me: “It means you are teasing him in a mean way. You are hurting him. “
And as an aside to the lady next to me, I say, “They’re like fucking bull-fighters in Madrid right now.” She didn’t think I was funny. As usual.
The kids stop. The parents do nothing. One kind of glared at me.
I walk away.
From across the barn, I see them immediately doing it again, and again the parents say nothing. I walk over to really lay it down because now I’m fucking angry. But luckily, my friend saw it too and actually went INTO the pen and physically stopped the kids and was showing them how to not be evil. She renewed my faith.
Oh thank god. We’re not all crazy.
And we aren’t.
And I guess there are people in every corner who are self-centered and ignorant, kids or no kids, but I truly don’t understand how parents don’t think it’s their job to teach their kids not to harm others.
Is that not basic decency?
Do they think it’s cute? Do they truly not notice? I’m no genius, but one thing that’s clearer to me than anything is when my kids are being annoying. Because they are annoying ME first and foremost, I can only imagine what they’re doing to innocent bystanders.
And an animal? Fuck.
Sorry, animals. And humans.
In conclusion. Dear parents: Please teach your kids not to torment adorable fuzzy baby animals who have no escape and never asked to be subjected to your kid in the first place.
I should write a parenting advice column.
I could call it, “Captain Fucking Obvious.”
Or, “You would know this if you’d pull your head out of your ass.”
But only you people would read it, and you already get it, so never mind.
Thanks for being an alien with me, with or without kids.
Thanks for your total dedication to not raising kids who fuck with the rest of us.
We can do this, America! I am a dreamer!