- Do not buy day-of-the-week underwear for your slightly OCD, perfectionist third grader, or your mornings will be become even more complicated.
- Carrot and/or chip eating should not be allowed in public places, especially in places of work, when nobody’s allowed to leave. Just too many chompers.
- I have “listening to people eat” issues. Crunching, smacking, chewing with mouths open. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. I want to break people. My children will have excellent manners, because I
can’t fucking stand the alternativereally want them to grow up with some damn class. Oh wait. That’s pretty much as bad as the one I crossed out. Oh well.
- Consuming a beverage without caffeine is a damn waste of time. Except for water. Water has value.
- Apparently non-rich people should not have pets.
- The puppy I wrote about joyfully just last week is now very, very, very sick in our backyard, and we have done all that we can to help him. And we are hoping he does not die.
- And my kids had a total of 2 days playing with this fluffy puppy, and then he withdrew. And then he stopped eating and drinking and started vomiting and staggering and dehydrating. And when the first, “most-likely” assessments came back clear, the vet told me it would be $2,500 to figure out what was wrong with this pup (and obviously, of course, there are no guarantees of recovery).
- And I got to sit in her patient room and tell her that I just don’t have $2,500 and could she please help me by treating him for what she thinks, inventing a treatment plan within the range of viable for us, doing SOMETHING. To help him get well.
- And I told my son that his puppy is very very sick and he looked at me with eyes that said “why?” He asked me “how sick? mama, how sick? mama?” So I told him Pete might die but I didn’t tell him that the dog’s chances would improve if mama and daddy had more goddam money to throw around. I didn’t tell him that. Because it would be ridiculous in his 5-year-old mind. Why would it take money to cure a puppy? And why, more importantly, don’t we have it?
- So there’s a side of me that is just raging. Fucking pissed. Pissed that this puppy got sick. Pissed that I can’t afford to help him better. Pissed because sometimes you are just SURE you’re doing something right and good – a kharmic no-brainer – and yet, the universe has other plans. And the something good backfires. And you find yourself cradling a sick puppy with vacant eyes in an emergency vet clinic at 2am, muttering “I can’t afford that” to a doctor looking at you like “then why the hell do you have a dog?” Thinking to yourself in response to her unsaid question “well, I have it for my little boy.” And now the fucking whatever is going to to take it from my little boy.
- Pissed that Rocket loses again when it comes to cute, fluffy things.
Please send us healthy puppy thoughts.
Oh, right, and if, on the off chance this puppy doesn’t kick the bucket, I’m going to poll dance in my front yard, wearing an American flag bikini . As a form of celebration. Y’all are totally invited.