Alright. You’ve all been there. Let’s review anyway, just to make sure we’re all on the same page (I HATE that expression).
Your baby is in the car seat and decides to poop one of those soft huge ones. Or you have a newborn who poops in the car seat, or, with some babies (like my first) pretty much at all. The poop has nowhere to travel but (against the force of gravity I might add)…UP. And up it goes, right into the onesie. No further details required, right?
So there you stand, wondering.
What the fuck do I do? There is no clear path. There is no clear way to go. There is no easy way out of this.
Impasse. Predicament. Quandary.
Let’s consider our options.
- Roll the onesie up around the poop, attempting to cover it, then pull the onesie over the head of the baby – for obvious reasons, this solution sucks. For one, the chances of covering all that mess are slim, and the idea of getting poop on the baby’s face is alarming on so many levels. Ain’t worth the risk. Explore other options.
- Pull the onesie down over the shoulders and feet – seems like the best option for sure. BUT, it only works with the “shoulder flap” onesies (you know, the ones with the big openings at the neck). Some onesies aren’t like that, and they have pretty small openings and snaps, but if your baby is fat like mine, there ain’t no way that opening’s fitting over the belly. Option 3?
- Cut the onesie off – great plan. Except for the scissors slicing in extreme proximity to baby fingers, toes, and chins. Nobody’s doing that one. S.C.A.R.Y. Alright . Let’s explore option 4.
- Damnit. There is no option 4. Fuck.
But we pull through somehow, one way or another. Story of my parenting life: looking around at a seemingly impossible situation, sure I just can’t do it, sure every attempt will end in disaster, unconvinced of my capacity to deal, to handle, to fix. Then acting anyway.
And getting through it.
Cause to my knowledge, no baby has ever died at the hand of a poop-filled onesie. Or mother, for that matter.