You know what I should be doing? School work.
But, I’m not.
You know why?
Because I need to write the most important post I’ll probably ever write in my whole life.
Check it out.
In 3 years, when Georgia is just four, probably going to preschool and really not needing me quite so much, and I consequently have a relapse of the terminal disease known among medical journals as “I Really Really Really Think I Need a New Baby,” please remind me of the following few moments. No really, please.
Before we get into this, let me just say that when the time comes, you must be strong in the face of this insidious disease. I will tell you I really really need a newborn, and we can totally afford it and if I don’t have it my life will seem incomplete and I’ll regret it forever.
I will suddenly, defying all reason, only remember the most glorious moments spent with my children as infants. I will tell you I loved the toddler stage. If I hold your baby, I may get a little teary-eyed in joyful nostalgia. I will stare at pregnant women with a splash of longing in my eyes, forgetting completely that I FUCKING HATE BEING PREGNANT. Babies will appear radiant to me in their loveliness, like handfuls of sunlight woven together with silken threads of moonlight. I just threw up a little in my mouth.
So despite all this, you must look me in the eye and tell me these things. Please. I’m relying on you. You are my only hope of not having another damn kid.
Remind me of…
- Trying to take a shower. Remind me of the fact that I have to hold the sliding shower door shut with one hand the entire time I’m showering lest the toddler enter with me, drenching herself. Remind me of the screams and wails of despair echoing in the bathroom as she bemoans her rejected state, and I try to shower with one hand.
- Changing the diaper of a 15-month old. Remind me of the squirming. Of the hand that shoots down like lightening to grab the poop. Just outta nowhere…BOOM!!! Shit everywhere. Remind me of that.
- The batshit crazy hour each night. Remind me of that hour each day when the toddler is too tired to do ANYTHING – even just stand there motionless – but not tired enough to sleep. Remind me of holding her on my hip while I try to do everything else for the other two kids. Cook. Eat. Laundry. Etc. Remind me of the inability to set her down for even three freaking seconds because…because why? Because who the fuck knows why. Because toddlers are lunatics. Remind me of that.
- The toddler path of destruction. Remind me of the way she spends pretty much every waking moment destroying things – over-turning, pulling down, shoving off, shoving in, dumping, hitting. Nonstop destruction. Nonstop work for me. Not for neatness, but for life. To keep her from injuring herself. Remind me of that.
- And finally, the perfectly timed, toddlers-must-be-in-tune-with-the-inner-workings-of-the-universe wake up moment. You know what I’m talking about, right? That moment when you are drifting off to sleep, finally. That giant cloud of relief spread out beneath you, begging you to fall, completely, into vast lovely sleep. And you’re drifting, settling down into sweet relaxation, ah bliss. And just as you’re about to fall into that bliss…you hear it. The grumble. The whine. The wahhhhhhhh. And you realize she ain’t going back to sleep and once again, you aren’t getting a decent night’s sleep and you will spend tomorrow in hazy exhaustion. Again. You roll out of bed. Stumbling. Cursing the whole deal.
Swearing you’re never going to have another fucking baby.
Friends, remind me of that.
The most important post I’ll ever write.
Do you people think I’m kidding? Because I’m not.
Don’t fail me here guys.
Maybe we should start a support group for this. We could get together for meetings every week and invite people with toddlers. Then just watch. And REMEMBER.
kelly leonardTuesday, 15 November, 2011 at 14:54
If you think you have a choice in this matter you’re only fooling yourself. I myself, had a fourth. I feel complete now. I, seriously, no longer yearn for babies, I no longer look longingly at pregnant mothers, hell, I don’t even ask if I can hold their new borns all that often anymore. And I was soooooo in your shoes too. Its going to happen. Surrender to it. After trying 4.5 years to have a baby and being told we wouldn’t have one, then having 4 in under 5 years and having my last just days before my 40th birthday, I have to tell you, You have no choice. All those things you mentioned and more are true and awful, and you do only remember the glorious goodness of all things new baby, but in closing, I will tell you, friend, when your done your done. No questions. You- are NOT done.
Hope this helps and I can’t wait to read about your good news!
I might add though, that the last child was a surprise. We were trying to prevent the pregnancy. I knew in my heart we weren’t done but after about 8 pregnancy tests in the grocery store bathroom, I knew my future would be changed for ever and that was three years ago. I couldn’t imagine not having him in our lives. We’re good now. Complete.
Good luck. Its a freaking nut house with four kids, but sooooooooooooooo Awesome!
HogsAteMySisterTuesday, 15 November, 2011 at 14:55
Toddlers are lunatics. But they are so cute. From a distance. And when they belong to someone else.
Perhaps you should tattoo the “Toddlers are lunatics” line somewhere strategic on your person?
jessicaMonday, 5 December, 2011 at 14:32
“Toddlers are Lunatics” bumper sticker, please 🙂
SarahTuesday, 15 November, 2011 at 15:22
Absolutely THE most important post you have ever written and I absolutely LOVE it. Thanks for making me laugh out loud. I needed that. You are like a tonic. 🙂
Michael Ann RileyTuesday, 15 November, 2011 at 15:50
Ok, I’ll be the voice of sanity if no one else will! 🙂 These feelings will pass. I promise. Sometimes they come on really strong but they go away eventually. Then you will be SO glad you did not give in to them. And remember, you are in GRAD school now. Time to follow your own dreams. You will not regret following your dreams. Three kids will not leave you feeling empty and blue in your old age. When you get to my age you will be glad!
Jennifer KTuesday, 15 November, 2011 at 15:56
After baby #3, I sent hubby off to see the urologist. Three months later, the follow-up sample came back clear, so we’re officially done!
I definitely feel done. You’ll know when it hits you.
kristi wTuesday, 15 November, 2011 at 16:55
As I sit here nursing my new baby and look into his big beautiful eyes, I think I could do this a hundred more times. Then I open your blog and read about the shower and I sit here laughing out loud and remember doing the exact same thing with my first two kids. I even put a child proof lock on the inside of the shower so that I could take a shower with two hands again. I have forgotten all the joys of a toddler and thanks to you am reminded that in a few short months I won’t sit down for two straight years. Please remind me of all this when I long for a nursing newborn again. GOOD LUCK!
Janine KlossTuesday, 15 November, 2011 at 18:18
Please sign me up for the support group… I almost need it now :/
Amanda | OneMommysThoughtsTuesday, 15 November, 2011 at 18:24
Truly the most important post you will ever write. I have these fleeting moments too but then one of my kids pees on the floor or dumps my makeup down the toilet. That pretty much cures me. I like Jennifer’s idea of sending the hubs to the urologist. I too have tried this case but it is not going over well. Good luck to you!
DeeTuesday, 15 November, 2011 at 18:46
Sign me up for the support group. I really don’t remember toddlerhood being so nuts with my older three…and that’s probably why I have a fourth. But, no mas, I am done. For reals. Except those 3 seconds when she does something cute and I think, aw! Imagine another one of her!!!
JenniferTuesday, 15 November, 2011 at 18:52
I hear you. Now that the youngest is almost five I feel none of these urges. But it was a bitch holding myself at just two for a long, long time. My advice: borrow a baby once a week. You will quickly be reminded how much work they can be and you will congratulate yourself for stopping.
MaiaTuesday, 15 November, 2011 at 21:50
You said it perfectly. It happens every morning around 4:30 or 5 she gets up I put her back down, I get in bed and lay there a while. Then I start to fall back into that wonderful place called sleep and then she’s up. And why do they like tampons so much? I love finding them scattered around the house
ShanTuesday, 15 November, 2011 at 22:29
Dude, I think you have my daughter!
I will remind you. You won’t need to remind me. A) I’m too old for more babies. B) I had my tubes tied a year ago. Just realized I forgot to celebrate the anniversary, but I’ll get on that now that I remembered. C) Every single freaking month I now worry that I’ll be part of that .01 percent that gets knocked up despite having metal clamps on my inner workings. (But um, yeah… I could totally do it again if I had to.)
CherylWednesday, 16 November, 2011 at 2:43
Wish I’d read this post a year or so ago….just kidding….I have an almost 5 month old and the next youngest in our house is 9, while the oldest is 18. Talk about thinking I was done!! We have a total of 6 for both my husband and I, but only the one “ours” baby. I already think I might want just one more. Yes, I probably am a little nuts(I do work in an emergency room in the middle of the night after all) and I probably will return to my senses when my baby starts walking–Hmmmm, maybe I should join your support group now–but right now, I can’t imagine loving anything more than that tiny little bundle of absolute joy. Your blog cracks me up, I was crying reading this one because I was laughing so hard, so now my coworkers think I’m nuts too. It’s all so, so true, I forgot all about the toddler lunacy until you reminded me!!! Especially the lightning-fast poop hand!!! I remember just throwing my kids in the bathtub at that point because it just wasn’t worth it to waste the baby wipes it would require to get them decent. My baby son’s already the king of “pooping all over the world AND his clothing” as my husband calls it, especially at inopportune moments like in line at the grocery store or while waiting for a tire to be repaired, I can only imagine how much more fun that will be when he realizes how much fun it is to PLAY in it too!! Keep writing, I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog!!
MoniqueWednesday, 16 November, 2011 at 7:44
Well I have to admit everything you are saying I have always thought. I HATED being pregnant. I just wanted the baby screw the glow of radiance of a pregnant woman crap honestly. I wasn’t very fond of the newborn stage either. I can recall being home with my very first born son and calling my mom and asking to come over because I was bored. She said “how can you be bored with a new baby” My response “He doesn’t do anything”. Okay I did this two more times. second time was planned the last time was a definite oops. Thanks for inviting me to your blog its going to be nice getting a laugh in the mornings.
MariahWednesday, 16 November, 2011 at 8:18
So wait…I’m confused. You’re not going to look by in a year or two and find all those toddler imperfections endearing? Remember how I couldn’t take a shower? That sucked…but won’t you say it with a smile and love the memory? Maybe just me. Babies? Eh…, but toddlers, bottle this age up! Wish they could stay this age forever. But mine is maybe a little less the lunatic variety, so maybe I just got really, really lucky. Now, remind me of that, and I won’t chance it!
Nj housewifeWednesday, 16 November, 2011 at 8:59
You are hysterical! And honest. Love it! Definitly following
Ashley marieWednesday, 16 November, 2011 at 9:12
OH MY GOD! I just remembered why I’ve been so fucking depressed about my now 4 month pregnancy! THIS. I remember… oh too well. But hey, what’s done is done and now I get to suck it up and put my big (BIG) girl panties on and let ‘er roll!
Totally following you, btw! Thanks for the love on Bloggy Moms!
*and check out my giveaway, yo*
The SweetestWednesday, 16 November, 2011 at 19:25
Maybe I should bookmark this one because after two years of longing for a baby, trying so hard to have a baby, wondering why the fuck we can’t have another baby? I am seeing alight at the end of the tunnel. Because my son has hit the magic age of 4. And while I am not coming to terms with the Only Child, the disease might resurface. And I will need this reminder.
IhilaniWednesday, 16 November, 2011 at 22:46
Ok i just have one and so far so good. I’m thinking #2…but then sometimes my husband says “Hun, do you ever think that maybe one is enough?” Yeah. Honestly, I do but i know i’m not done yet. I’m SURE i’ll be where you are one day…and hopefully I’ll still be able to shower with two hands.
LaurieThursday, 17 November, 2011 at 9:57
Thank goodness my husband is fixed now, and I’m too cheap to pay for the reversal ($5000!). I completely understand your disease. And believe me when I say that 4 children is insane. So much harder than I thought it would be… I cannot wait until I get to sleep again. Coffee is the only way I survive. And I REALLY suck at homeschooling right now. 🙂
JulieThursday, 17 November, 2011 at 10:47
It’s baby fever… our voices of reason won’t help. I am looking forward to another baby.
MeaganThursday, 17 November, 2011 at 11:14
but the look of that chubby baby smiling at you in a footed pajama is sooo addicting, oh wait i gotta go my 17 month old is pulling papers out of the filing cabinet…..
graceFriday, 2 December, 2011 at 18:14
I’m pretty sure you’re going to be my new go-to-blog when I’m tethered to a pump and needing a laugh
Sage WilsonThursday, 10 July, 2014 at 6:57
Welcome Baby Arlo
renegademamaSunday, 16 November, 2014 at 18:26
HAHAHAHHAHA!!! This cracked me up. you win. xoxo
Pamela HoulihanSunday, 16 November, 2014 at 20:19
dying with laughter. thank you for this before bed time starts. Hilarious.