Time for another installment of “Fun with Google Search Terms,” when we give a little recognition to the whackos who click through to my blog (present company excluded of course).
Here are the best ones in the past couple months. For those of you who haven’t played before, the terms below are the Google searches people enter to eventually find my blog. Since they probably didn’t find what they were looking for on my blog (with some of these, GOD HELP US if they did), I’d like to take a moment to respond to them. You know, like guidance.
Because everybody seeks my guidance.
As you can imagine.
So here we go.
- “do crackheads fingers turn black” – Yes. Though my friend, I believe that may be the least of their problems. (AGAIN with the crackheads. We always end up with the crackheads.)
- “are playdates necessary?” – If you are asking questions like that, then my dear, in this case, you have come to the right place. Here’s the quick answer: only if the parents are cool.
- “jessica simpson’s feet are weird” – Not as weird as the fact that you just Googled that.
- “how to stop writing on bathroom stalls” – Well, I would start by not taking a pen in there with ya. Also, you could just not do it. You know, try and stuff and see how that goes. Maybe there’s a 12-step group for people who can’t stop defacing public property.
- “a hoarding to propagate a daily glass of milk is every child’s right” – I have no idea what that means but I know it needs to be on this list.
- “what the fuck is a water table?” – I don’t know you, but I like you.
- “do i yell at my kids because I’m angry at them?” – No, you yell at them because you are delighted with them, which is always why people yell at one another. Also, please don’t have any more kids. You’re kind of an idiot.
- “fuck yo barbaric yawp” – Alright I’m serious. We need to be friends. Who are you? You quoted Walt Whitman and used the word “fuck” in the same sentence. WE ARE SOUL MATES.
- “can i buy my kids way into gifted and talented education” – Let’s sure hope so, because that would be so helpful to them. I mean they’d really learn a LOT by having you buy their way into GATE. [P.S. Does it scare anybody else that asshats like this are walking around the world like it’s nothin’, quite possibly producing children who exist near our children?]
- “i realized i like to be naked” – You’re just realizing that now? What the hell were you doing in your twenties?
- “fuck you mean fitted sheet” – I want to write something but I’m laughing too damn hard. Win.
- “Saturday message from Jesus” – Does it change on Saturdays? [Also, can we take a moment to appreciate that somebody looking for Jesus’s message came to MY blog?]
- “Bible quotes against Facebook” – Yo, Einstein, Facebook wasn’t around when the Bible was written. Now go back to scouring the Bible for passages you can manipulate into anti-homosexual propaganda.
- “why is my dog mothering a sock?” – No idea, but I’d give pretty much anything to see how that’s going down
- “neon fucking green shorts bitch” – You tell ’em.
- “my parents are unenlightened” -Are you sure?
And now we can all feel confident knowing that this blog is still pulling some of the brightest bulbs in the shed, as well as the crack heads, who are always welcome.
P.S. Fuck yo barbaric yawp.
I’m using that.
GGThursday, 21 June, 2012 at 6:14
Michael AnnThursday, 21 June, 2012 at 6:19
OH God, I am laughing so hard!!! I love these installments. For some reason #10 got me and well, #13 is classic. Thanks for getting my day off to a humorous start!
Hey, I see you “liked” the the Davis Music Fest. Maybe I’ll see ya there!
PaigeThursday, 21 June, 2012 at 9:22
Jesus’ Saturday message I like to think would go something like this: thou shalt sleep as late as thou wants; thou shalt ride thy bike through the streets and bask in sunshine; thou shalt indulge in as many cups of coffee as thou would like; thou shalt eat a giant burger smothered in cheese and stacked to the Heavens with pickles; thou shalt beseech thou’s friends to waste thyselves on libations; thou shalt stumble home at an unGodly hour.
StephanieThursday, 21 June, 2012 at 11:47
These make me laugh. I always want to record these things and write a post like this, but then the days just keep lapping upon one another and I don’t. But I should. It’s a good reminder to lock your doors at night.
KellyThursday, 21 June, 2012 at 15:32
Just fantastic! Not only must I thank you for reminding me of the term “asshat” (gotta go use it three times today) but I am inspired to share a favorite crackhead Craigslist “best of”: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/27499971.html. Makes me laugh every time!
CailinThursday, 21 June, 2012 at 19:38
Read this on my phone at Eadan’s gymnastics class. Laughed inappropriatly loud for a public place, causing a bit of a scene. THANKS!
Stephanie VoughtSunday, 1 July, 2012 at 13:38
Haha Great! Thanks for the laugh 🙂
LucyFriday, 20 July, 2012 at 6:35
No pee left to pee with!! You are one funny mama!