I made a handy checklist to help people determine if they should comment on social media mommy/parenting group threads.
- Am I about to give a complete stranger parenting advice about a kid I’ve never met in a situation for which I have no context because I’ve only read a single fucking social media post?
- Am I about to post a serious parenting suggestion on a satirical blog post joking about children?
- Am I unable to read satire?
- How about sarcasm?
- Actually do I have no sense of humor AT ALL?
- Is the sole purpose of my comment to elevate my standing in my own eyes?
- Am I about to say #AllLivesMatter?
- Am I about to say “Stop creating division by talking about race?”
- Am I about to quote the Bible then reference Donald Trump while simultaneously arguing the Declaration of Independence is “fake news?”
- If the person I’m about to reply to were standing in front of me, would I say what I’m about to say, or am I a sad keyboard warrior who would get slammed in the face with a closed fist because I am a total fucking asshole?
- AM I IN FACT A TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE?
- I shall be more specific: Am I about to make fun of somebody’s kid’s name?
- Am I about to say vaccinations are child abuse?
- Am I about to say cutting the umbilical cord is “violent? Or “formula is poison?”
- Am I about to suggest weed and essential oils to the wife of somebody dying of cancer?
- Am I about to talk about how my children never bicker, leave messes, or generally fuck shit up because my parenting is “informed?”
- Do I believe in Amanda Chantal Bacon and/or anything involving white people and the words “shaman warrior goddess?”
- Do I suggest international travel, yoga, and activated cashews as the solution to oppression?
- Do I not understand why some people wouldn’t dress their kid in all organic cotton sustainably sourced in their own state?
- Do I not understand why some parents don’t take their kids to other countries each year even though “It’s a verifiably excellent way to enlighten them?”
- Am I the mother at the preschool saying, “I really just don’t have the body for four kids. I MEAN LOOK HOW TINY I AM.”
- Do I read Breitbart for data?
- DO I HAVE A SINGLE FUCKING CLUE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT AT ALL?
- Have I ever had a clue at any point in my life?
- Am I a dog owner who thinks dog owning qualifies as “parenting?”
- Am I about to tell women to clean up their language because their use of “fuck” is unladylike?
- Am I mansplaining? (Where men are allowed.)
- Do I believe mansplaining is a creation of radical lesbian “feminazis?”
- Am I unwilling to listen to what “mansplaining” means?
- When I look in the mirror, do I like what I see, or do I experience such a sense of existential malaise and vast self-loathing, the only thing I can do is hop on social media mommy group threads to attempt to shred strangers into a million pieces, failing to recognize that I am, in fact, the eternal dick, and endless fool, and everybody knows it.
KEY: If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, do not comment.
You’re welcome.
