I made a handy checklist to help people determine if they should comment on social media mommy/parenting group threads.
- Am I about to give a complete stranger parenting advice about a kid I’ve never met in a situation for which I have no context because I’ve only read a single fucking social media post?
- Am I about to post a serious parenting suggestion on a satirical blog post joking about children?
- Am I unable to read satire?
- How about sarcasm?
- Actually do I have no sense of humor AT ALL?
- Is the sole purpose of my comment to elevate my standing in my own eyes?
- Am I about to say #AllLivesMatter?
- Am I about to say “Stop creating division by talking about race?”
- Am I about to quote the Bible then reference Donald Trump while simultaneously arguing the Declaration of Independence is “fake news?”
- If the person I’m about to reply to were standing in front of me, would I say what I’m about to say, or am I a sad keyboard warrior who would get slammed in the face with a closed fist because I am a total fucking asshole?
- AM I IN FACT A TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE?
- I shall be more specific: Am I about to make fun of somebody’s kid’s name?
- Am I about to say vaccinations are child abuse?
- Am I about to say cutting the umbilical cord is “violent? Or “formula is poison?”
- Am I about to suggest weed and essential oils to the wife of somebody dying of cancer?
- Am I about to talk about how my children never bicker, leave messes, or generally fuck shit up because my parenting is “informed?”
- Do I believe in Amanda Chantal Bacon and/or anything involving white people and the words “shaman warrior goddess?”
- Do I suggest international travel, yoga, and activated cashews as the solution to oppression?
- Do I not understand why some people wouldn’t dress their kid in all organic cotton sustainably sourced in their own state?
- Do I not understand why some parents don’t take their kids to other countries each year even though “It’s a verifiably excellent way to enlighten them?”
- Am I the mother at the preschool saying, “I really just don’t have the body for four kids. I MEAN LOOK HOW TINY I AM.”
- Do I read Breitbart for data?
- DO I HAVE A SINGLE FUCKING CLUE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT AT ALL?
- Have I ever had a clue at any point in my life?
- Am I a dog owner who thinks dog owning qualifies as “parenting?”
- Am I about to tell women to clean up their language because their use of “fuck” is unladylike?
- Am I mansplaining? (Where men are allowed.)
- Do I believe mansplaining is a creation of radical lesbian “feminazis?”
- Am I unwilling to listen to what “mansplaining” means?
- When I look in the mirror, do I like what I see, or do I experience such a sense of existential malaise and vast self-loathing, the only thing I can do is hop on social media mommy group threads to attempt to shred strangers into a million pieces, failing to recognize that I am, in fact, the eternal dick, and endless fool, and everybody knows it.
KEY: If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, do not comment.
CristinaMonday, 10 July, 2017 at 14:20
Excuse me while i steal this and put it on every fucking (sorry, i had to) social media i fucking (bc 1 time isn’t enough) own.
Dani KenyonMonday, 10 July, 2017 at 15:12
I answered “Yes” to 28 and 29…please tell me I’m still allowed to comment!
susan meyerThursday, 13 July, 2017 at 6:00
CourtneyMonday, 10 July, 2017 at 15:12
????????This! I just snorted out loud on a very full flight! Scary Mommy always guarantees a read that demands immediate (fucking) forwarding!
CourtneyMonday, 10 July, 2017 at 15:17
*You and Scary Mommy (ironically I left it out as I momentarily debated whether it was “Scary Mommy and You” or “you and Scary Mommy” that would be grammatically correct…because, you know, assholes!)
MarianMonday, 10 July, 2017 at 15:46
This is perfection. I love when you post 😀 Have fun on your trip!!
pattyMonday, 10 July, 2017 at 16:49
I actually find Patricia McConnell…an animal behaviorist…a good source of child rearing advice….loved the list and have a great time
KathleenMonday, 10 July, 2017 at 16:53
Have a fabulous trip. I can’t wait to hear about it. Please be sure to tell everyone you meet that we’re not all assholes here.
KarenMonday, 10 July, 2017 at 17:01
Lol this is why I hardly ever read comments on *anything*. Like not even a feel-good story about some baby bunnies that were rescued from a flood or some other fucking nonsense like that. Because Most people are fucking stupid ???? – present company excepted of course
PhyllisMonday, 10 July, 2017 at 18:42
As a mother, and grandmother, I salute you.
K8Monday, 10 July, 2017 at 19:47
BBWwaaaahhhhhaahhhaaaa!!! OMG, that’s a winner:
21. “Am I the mother at the preschool saying, “I really just don’t have the body for four kids. I MEAN LOOK HOW TINY I AM.”
JellyMonday, 10 July, 2017 at 21:38
Pure fucking (I had too as well Cristina ????) GENIUS!!
Note to self…do not read this blog again while sleeping next to your child for fear of waking her up with explosive laughter ????
Mary AnnMonday, 10 July, 2017 at 22:39
Every word of this! Perfect.
TinaTuesday, 11 July, 2017 at 1:33
Activated fucking cashews, what on earth is it!
SueTuesday, 11 July, 2017 at 7:26
You just don’t know how badly I want to MEMORIZE this list to be able to quote every word to the next person who gets up in my BUSINESS!!!
I LOVE THIS~~~~~!! Thanks for making my DAY-WEEK-MONTH….
AmandaTuesday, 11 July, 2017 at 9:18
CatherineTuesday, 11 July, 2017 at 10:53
Ok, number 9 and 25 made me laugh so hard. Thank you!
June NeryTuesday, 11 July, 2017 at 15:31
Renegade mom for president!!!
Cheryl S.Wednesday, 12 July, 2017 at 10:33
Also, I really want to know what sort of internet horror forced you to create this list. . . .
Jahn GhaltThursday, 13 July, 2017 at 13:40
Dani Kenyon echoed my question:
Can a women “mansplain”? If not, and a woman’s ‘splanation sounds like mansplaining what would be the correct term??
renegademamaSaturday, 15 July, 2017 at 6:57
Oh, no. I was writing to men who wander into mommy groups. It’s a thing.
Jahn GhaltThursday, 13 July, 2017 at 13:47
I answered “NO” to #20:
20.Do I understand why some parents don’t take their kids to other countries each year even though “It’s a verifiably excellent way to enlighten them?”
Does that make me unworthy?
renegademamaSaturday, 15 July, 2017 at 6:57
No, it means I wrote the question wrong! 🙂 I’ll fix it.
karen lindquistSaturday, 5 August, 2017 at 5:59
The mommy groups can be super sanctimonious and full of vitriol, but so is the rest of the internet these days. This is a good list of rules for every place you might post anything.
I had to shut off my FB because some white leftist dudes (assuming they are so far left they have reached the extreme right) just told me I should die to make a better world and that i am a racist moron for suggesting white people put down their reactions and fear and hurt feelings to really listen to black folks who need us to hear and acknowledge their daily reality. I just can’t listen to these assholes anymore, the ones who read a comment suggesting we learn to listen and not judge (something i am still learning to do) and to stop doing basically everything on your fantastic list.
I am trying to reclaim my time from social media and not wade into that cesspool of self-congratulatory BS anymore. I would rather read blogs of people who make my day better, not get attacked for writing a sentence meant to ask people to open their minds to the possibility that none of us has a a direct line to God or reality.