The trolls of the internet got together (in my head) and wrote a helpful handy guide. If you are unclear what a “troll” is, I give you this definition: The most annoying commenters in the world; people who make it their mission to enrage and insult while simultaneously ignoring the point. They appear on every comment thread. Anywhere. No matter what. You can run, but you can’t hide.
Luckily though they are easy to spot because THEY ALL THINK THE SAME WAY.
Anyway, I can’t imagine why anyone would ever want a list such as the one below, but Service to Nobody is what being a troll is all about. Plus, I have a fucked-up sense of humor.
So here you go.
A Troll’s Guide to the Internet (Or, How to Get Everyone on the Interwebz to Hate You):
- If somebody writes about an experience you haven’t had it’s because they think your life is a lie.
- And you, you are A LIAR.
- If somebody writes about an experience you have had but feels differently about it it’s because they think your feelings are bad.
- If you are not the intended audience it’s because the writer hates you.
- Generally speaking, if you can’t relate to something, it is a pointed attack on you, your intelligence, and your life, and the only thing to do is call the writer a cunt.
- Or fat. Or a fat cunt. You could also mention beating them with a uterus.* Anywho.
- If a writer doesn’t validate, include, speak to and/or make warm and cuddly every type of human on the planet, the writer hates them too, and you should point out each and every type of human the writer has omitted. Unless you don’t like them either. Then it’s okay.
- The title alone is sufficient data to formulate an opinion and share it widely.
- When in doubt, attack grammar or reference Jesus.
- If you read it in a meme, it is true.
- If you find one study backing your opinion, even if it was conducted at Burning Man, you are correct. Beat people with this (it’s firmer than uteri).
- If somebody is struggling with something you are good at, he or she is a deeply flawed human and needs your guidance.
- If somebody is good at something you’re struggling with, he or she is BLATANTLY ATTACKING YOUR WAY OF LIFE.
- Along these lines, a single piece of writing is sufficient information to critique, analyze, deconstruct and rebuild a stranger’s life.
- You should do that a lot because people like it.
- If you suspect however that this person may NOT like your extensive unsolicited unsupported misguided opinions (weird), preface your analysis by explaining your Earnest Desire to be Helpful.
- Everybody likes helpful people.
- Or say something about “playing devil’s advocate.” People dig that too.
- A reader should not be required to engage in the complexities of reading such as comprehending tone, voice, rhetorical cues or even the publication’s tagline that reads: “A satirical news source.” NO! If the writer fails to use “irony punctuation,” which is definitely a thing because I saw it in a meme last July, they are not being clear.
- Invent things at random (e.g. “irony punctuation”).
- Whenever possible, argue against something by inadvertently being an example of it. This is not easy. You will have to work hard at this. Few people are born with this level of cyclical logic and total lack of self-awareness. One must strive daily.
- If the writer is a woman, talk about whether or not you’d like to have sex with her.
- If the writer is a person of color, mention “race card” often and how you have black friends, NO MATTER WHAT THE TOPIC.
- Lie often.
- Steal souls.
- Ignore reason. And the topic at hand.
- Never use your actual name and never, ever give up on a comment thread. Always come back. Always, always come back and bring your friends from Reddit.
Remember, young troll, above all else:
They are vast, and they’re waiting for you.
Go get em, tiger!
*The uterus thing actually happened. Wish I kept the screenshot.
Join me for my last writing workshop of 2015. Session 1 is sold out. Session 2 is half full. Get on it. Let’s hang out. Let’s write.
WRITE THE WORDS, non-troll.