Do you ever get tired of reading the same damn thing every “holiday?”
Yeah, neither do I.
I enjoy it. In fact, I enjoy it so much I’ve taken time out of my “busy mommy life(!)” (I just gagged) to read every single blog post and article ever written near, on or about Mother’s Day. And I’ve summarized them in two sentences or less.
I didn’t actually do that.
I’m sure I missed one or two.
I’ve also added highly-opinionated, useless commentary.
Consider this my gift to you.
What can I say? I’m a giver. I give. I gave on my first try.
So here it is…All Mother’s Day blog posts ever written summarized in 2 sentences or less, complete with useless commentary and occasional f-bombs.
The “What moms really want on Mother’s Day” post
Summary: We don’t want brunch and mimosas and flowers and spa days. We want you to clean the house and toilets and cook while we sleep.
Only we don’t actually just want this on Mother’s Day, we want it every fucking day, but we feel like you owe it to us on Mother’s Day so we feel compelled to ask. Also, who the hell came up with the “we don’t want brunch and spas” nonsense? I want brunch. I love brunch. I also love spas. I used to love mimosas. I used to really, really love mimosas. Also whiskey.
Do people get whiskey on Mother’s Day? Why do we have to drink these girly drinks? Why can’t we drink some freaking Maker’s Mark?
Um. Let’s move on.
The overly sentimental reflection on motherhood post; AKA the “they grow up so fast” post
Summary: They grow up so fast.
Except when they’re three. Three takes forever. Three-year-olds are assholes. You keep telling me they grow up fast but my 3-year-old IS STILL THREE so what’s up with that, Einstein?
The “What if Mother’s Day cards told the truth?” post
Summary: Tongue-in-cheek “honest” depictions of motherhood so we all feel better about the fact that we suck.
Wait. I wrote one of those for Parenting magazine last year. If you can make it past the pop-up Betty Crocker ads, you can read them. Enjoy the clip art. That shit’s classic.
The “I feel guilty for being a crap mother so stop celebrating me” post
Summary: See title.
Oh damn I wrote one of those too. I’m such a cliché. I’m a cliché! Although that was one of the favorite things I’ve ever written and it’s Brain, Child (freaking excellent magazine) so that post doesn’t count, damn it.
I’m not a cliché!
I’m a unique and intricate snowflake!
The “My mom sucked so I hate Mother’s Day” post
Summary: I had a shit mom and therefore the rest of the world should not celebrate moms ever because it hurts my feelings.
Right. Because that makes sense. (Didn’t write one of those. My mom is the best mom in the world.)
Ah ha! The “my mom is the best mom in the world post.”
No she’s not. My mom is. Fuck off.
The “I don’t have kids and I’m sick of the glorification of motherhood” post
Summary: I’m “childfree” so I think we shouldn’t celebrate people who aren’t.
Because that also makes sense.
The Call-to-Arms/Kumbaya/“let’s all stop judging each other” post
Summary: I make my choices and you make your choices and because it makes me sound like a good, enlightened human I’m going to pretend like I don’t judge you for not making the same choices I’ve made.
Um, obviously I think my choices are better. THAT’S WHY I MADE THEM. And if I see some woman feeding a baby a bottle with juice in it, I’m gonna judge the hell out of her. Of course I am. That’s a stupid fucking thing to do. However, if that woman came up to me at the park, I would be good and decent and respectful because everybody’s on their own damn path and it’s none of my business what other humans do with their kids.
The problem is not that people judge. The problem is that people are dicks.
The humble-brag Mother’s Day gift post
Summary: My husband is significantly better than yours and we have lots of money. That’s really all I wanted to say.
Yes, I know this already because we’re friends on Facebook. (Unfollow! Restricted acquaintance! (Only helpful thing Facebook has done in 5 years.))
The “you’re a good mom/I’m a good mom/we’re all good moms” post
Summary: Stay-at-home? Good for you. Work? Great. Sit on your ass all day and play video games while smoking cigarettes and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon? Go team! We support you!
No we don’t. We don’t really support you. We just pretend we do because it’s Mother’s Day.
(Also, has it ever occurred to any of these people writing the “You’re a stay-at-home mom and you’re doing a good job” or “You work out of the home and we salute you” posts that their target audience isn’t seeking the approval of a bunch of internet strangers? I mean, do you ever see posts congratulating fathers for staying home or working out of the home, validating their decisions and telling them “Everything will be okay, little one, we support you. YOU ARE OKAY.”
No. Because if a man stays home he’s a loving and devoted, miraculous father!
And if he works out of the home he’s a loving and devoted, miraculous father!
Also, the decisions of mothers are always held up for public scrutiny and analysis — Oh you bastard patriarchy. Nobody asked you. Stop telling me how to do human.)
Wow. That escalated quickly.
No but seriously it seems like the world sees mothers as bunch of needy, lost humans, all yelling in unison: “Somebody tell me I’m okay! Am I okay!?”
Somebody hold my hand and tell me I’m okay!
You’re not okay.
Alright fine. You’re okay.
(why can’t I ever just stay on topic? is it a disease?)
Which brings us to the “Oh mothers you’re so amazing and you’re totally okay and rocking it daily, cradling the future of humanity in your tender arms, pulling the lost souls of humanity into your warm bosom, building America through virtue and devotion and strength and stuff, WE THANK YOU.”
Oh yeah. I totally do that. I’m a builder.
Now leave me alone so I can eat some eggs benedict and get a fucking massage.
Shit only happens once a year, ya know.
Have fun, ladies. Make it a good one.
You know I support you.
StephanieThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 15:03
My husband’s kind of a pain in the ass who wipes out the hairy sink with the face towel and then puts it back on the towel ring. Also, because Facebook.
DaniThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 15:09
Your husband is aware that sinks can be wiped and they’re not all desperate to cling onto the bits of his beard he’s rejected? No sympathy.
renegademamaThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 15:14
trying to figure out what’s worse. no beard-hair wiping or wiping on towel…?
well I’ll never know because my husband HAS NEVER WIPED HIS SHIT UP ONCE EVER EVER EVER.
Samantha MertlerThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 15:26
my husband wipes most of it. and pretends that most is all of it and the rest is just invisible.
LivThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 15:52
Are you sure we’re not married to the same man? To the bitchmobile to figure out whether we belong in a Lifetime special. 😉
StephanieThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 15:33
It’s even more awesome, though, when it mixes with the toothpaste blobs and dries. That’s really the best.
CarrieThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 15:19
It’s also not cool if your husband is obsessed with cleaning. In a house with 5 crazy children and a totally messy wife. And all I want is another tattoo.
MeganThursday, 12 June, 2014 at 13:42
Oh my goodness that is totally my life!!! All he cares about is a clean house and I’ve been sitting here all day on my back porch looking for new sample boxes, different piercing and tattoo ideas!! I love that I’m not alone!! 🙂
itzybellababyThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 15:19
I think the first comment already won the internets. Forever.
And I wrote the mom’s day things you want last year.. haven’t done much more than that, other than the sponsored bits. Hey- I work at home.. I rock.. I am better than.. I dunno.. someone I guess..
And apparently I am getting some awesome gift from Australia from my man. Allegedly I told him I wanted it. So I suppose if it is awesome I will blog about it after Mother’s Day..
StephanieThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 15:32
Thanks. It’s really a point of pride in our family (HA!).
VaginaThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 15:54
PERFECT!! That’s it….you are friggin perfect…dammitt! And I like how you said the “childfree” folks, because you wouldn’t want to be called insensitive by using the word “childless”…because somehow people of the internet see a difference there! O.O Anyway….husbands and three year olds are assholes! Husbands because of hair,…and three year olds because WHY???? Why do they do the shit they do….
LeahThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 16:16
1. don’t hate on the mimosa. a little buzz helps a girl fake her way through the crossword with mock success.
2. three year olds are assholes put there to lull us into a false sense of security after the (ahem) terrible twos.
3. they do grow up so fast….but never to fast to dull the pain of wiping their poop.
Welcome to the BundleThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 16:46
Yes! Yes to judging! It’s how I get through my day. Without judging, I’d just be a useless pile of decisionless meat — like a beached manatee, but with a toddler. Right now I am judging all the moms who say they don’t want brunch: If you don’t understand the allure of waffles and shrimp salad in one meal, then you are not my people.
SaraThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 18:50
Love love loooove this post! Especially this sentence: “The problem is not that people judge. The problem is that people are dicks.” And the part about the father always being a superhero (unless he’s out of the picture, then anybody can badmouth him)… I’m so fucking tired of being the one that’s always wrong about everything (everybody questions every little decision I make, even total strangers), while my husband is always riding the wave of “Oh look at him, he’s sooo involved, he’s changing a diaper!” When it’s me it’s always “Are you sure the diaper’s not too tight?” Or “Maybe she needs some cream?” Or “You’re not using any wipes?”
Wow, that’s an “escalaty” subject! 😉
KariThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 19:23
Happy Mother’s Day, Janelle. Your words can always bring a smile to my face at the end of a long day of mothering thousands of miles away. You are amazing and I hope you are spoiled at least on Sunday if not every day. 🙂 (I would try to write something funny, sarcastic and witty but I’m too fucking tired and you’ve already said it!)
JessThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 22:32
Janelle, I could be your twin! We just had our #4 and have to say im wondering what im doing to my others most of the time. Pretty sure my 13yr old hates me…
My hubby also thinks the “rest” of the hair is invisible..
I go back to my teaching job next week, but really I just want to write. Thanks for keepin it real and sharing your life through sarcasm and truth.
PS, #4 kinda sucks all around. My body tried to kill me, I had to get stuck five times to get my epidural, and my daughter seems to be trying to eat my actual nipples several times a day. But… I super love her, because she just learned to smile. Wish my 13yr old daughter would try that sometime!
Lastly, mothers day sucks, another reason for my hubby to act like the junk food he brings home is for a reason.. But I love him… He has a charming smile.
JennyThursday, 8 May, 2014 at 23:52
Love this post so much. And link to the true m-day cards-totally brilliant!
jennifer thompsonFriday, 9 May, 2014 at 4:42
You’re insane. I love you. Amendment to “what moms really want”: clean the house and toilets and then GET THE FUCK OUT. For a whole day.
Also if 3 year olds are assholes, then what do you call this 2 year old I live with?
VaginaSaturday, 10 May, 2014 at 8:38
EXACTLY!! I think they are assholes at every age…just a little bit ya know….;)
Kateri Von StealFriday, 9 May, 2014 at 9:19
Happy Mother’s Day Lady!
And that massage sounds WONDERFUL.. I should get me one of those!
LyndsyFriday, 9 May, 2014 at 11:01
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
SharonSaturday, 10 May, 2014 at 22:29
You are so funny. I have a 10 yo, 3 yo, and baby twins. I don’t even know what I would say about that, except that I HAAAAATE all mother’s day/any holiday posts. Awesome summary.
FeenySunday, 11 May, 2014 at 0:49
All of these are great!! The only one you forgot is “I lost my mother, how dare you throw that in my face by celebrating your own mother”…. I always want to respond “Look at it this way, now you aren’t forced to buy a gift you know they are going to hate!!”
Pobble BonkSunday, 11 May, 2014 at 11:03
Maybe nobody blogs about it, but there are those whose children are self-centered dickwads who can’t be bothered to “do” Mother’s Day. My two, who are young adults, haven’t done anything for me in years.
SophieWednesday, 14 May, 2014 at 11:18
I just read that second link you posted in your rant about Mothers’ Day (the Brain, Child one) and it really broke my heart. For you, for your daughter, for your family. Although the end IS a happy one (and even though you might “not want to hear it” I’ll say congratulations for kicking your habit), I had to hold back tears while reading it (not my first time having to do that, thanks to your blog) because I’m (slacking off – just a little) at work. I’m really glad I found your blog, it’s freaking awesome. Hope you keep at it. And your family looks great. CONGRATS about that too. (Haha)
MonicaFriday, 16 May, 2014 at 14:04
“The problem is not that people judge. The problem is that people are dicks.”
THAT is the real manifesto right there. Thank you for that!
JenSaturday, 17 May, 2014 at 9:14
Fantastical! I wonder which of these my post would fall into???
KrisSunday, 18 May, 2014 at 13:49
I hate it when people announce they have the best mom/husband/kid/mutant giraffe/godfather in the world. It’s like throwing down the gauntlet to everyone in the entirety of ever who had a goddam mom/husband/kid/degenerate sloth/dominatrix. If you’ve gotta lie, lie in a card, not on freaking Facebook. In related news, this card:
NikkiMonday, 19 May, 2014 at 9:55
Will you be my girlfriend:) First time new mommy in my mid 40s and I was SERIOUSLY starting to think I was the only mommy who still said the f-word even under my breath! You ARE a unique snowflake, you!
Faye UptonThursday, 22 May, 2014 at 10:26
You forgot, ‘I’m spending Mother’s Day in prison visiting my son again this year.’ Guess you don’t read my blog.
Raining TreeSunday, 25 May, 2014 at 8:29
I think the hardest part of being a child OR a parent is perhaps the ingrainedness of operating on the false idea that you KNOW who they are.
jujuThursday, 5 June, 2014 at 7:54
I just read this and wanted to cry. LOL. I am thankful for coming across your site.
KimThursday, 12 June, 2014 at 19:39
I love your site! I HATE Mother’s Day! I have a great husband and kids but they always seem to fuck it up. Either the kids fight or act like assholes (even at 13 and 17) or this year I got in a fight with my own Mother the night before (which by the way makes your own children nice to you!!).
I gave up a few years ago and told everyone I didn’t want to do anything on Mother’s Day or get any gifts. That away there’s no disappointment. I think they were actually relieved!
2014 Best Mother’s Day Ever! No expectation, no disappointment!
JodiFriday, 20 June, 2014 at 7:34
My husband is incapable of connecting the dots that the black hair in the sink is from shaving his beard. (Which is of course located on his own face.) Perhaps he is brain damaged. Or just a bathroom asshat, disguised as a mostly decent dude.