How to Get 86’d from a Waldorf Mother’s Group (in 10 minutes or less)

by Janelle Hanchett

I don’t know how this information is helpful. Or useful at all, to anybody. But you never know.

At any rate, here is a fool proof plan for getting kicked out of a Waldorf mother’s group in 10 minutes or less. If you try it, please let me know what happens. Please. No really, don’t forget.

  1. Pull up to the play group with your baby in a giant Graco “travel system,” preferably in gender-appropriate colors and themes (e.g. blue with boats or pink with flowers).
  2. If your baby is a girl, make sure she has one of those huge fake flower bands on her head and a polyester zebra-print shirt.
  3. Obviously, use disposable diapers and wear a lot of make-up.
  4. Dress your toddler girl in a Dora the Explorer shirt, Barney pants and Disney Princess shoes (the ones that light up). Let her play with your cell phone.
  5. Dress your boy in G-I Joe gear and give him a metal light-up gun to play with. Instruct him to ask the other boys if they want to play “WWF wrestling” with him.
  6. Within 5 minutes, prop a bottle of formula up in the baby’s mouth, keeping her in the stroller.
  7. Place a piece of bark next to your toddler. When she picks it up, run over and declare “Honey! Yuck! Don’t play with that – dirty dirty!” Take it away from her and chuck it, then hand her a brightly-colored toy out of a McDonald’s happy meal.
  8. Make little gagging sounds and pretend to vomit a little when the other mothers bring out their kids’ gluten-free raw-goat-milk barley walnut muffin.
  9. Immediately after, eat the McDonald’s happy meal. Feed it to your kids.
  10. Bring Twinkies and Cheetos to share.
  11. As a conversation piece, invite the other mothers to join your Book Club, excitedly telling them you’ll be featuring the writings of John McCain, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Pailin. Then ask which local day care is the least expensive and open the longest, explaining that since you work full time for the NRA, you need a reliable and cheap babysitter.
  12. If your baby starts crying, leave her there for a few minutes. Or a long time. If she persists, give her a pacifier.
  13. When your kid misbehaves, tell him that if he doesn’t shape up you’re going to take away his Nintendo DS and limit his Playstation time to 5 hours a day.
  14. And finally, dump a giant bag of florescent noise-making T.V. character plastic crap toys – all Made in China and purchased from Walmart –in the center of the children’s drum circle, exclaiming “Wouldn’t you like to have one of these rather than that silly Amish Maplewood toy?” Watch the kids’ eyes light up.

Then run like hell. Cause they’re gonna slaughter you. Well, they would if they weren’t such pacifists.

To avoid pro-Waldorf backlash, I've included this picture of my baby playing with an over-priced Waldorf wooden teething ring, so you know I'm just PLAYIN. P.S. I hate Disney character items and light-up shoes and Cheetos. No, I don't hate Cheetos.

  • julie

    ROFL…. guilty!

    • renegademama

      I Know. I do most of them – except the character clothing and fast food. And we use cloth diapers…and Twinkies even gross me out…okay, that’s enough. I’m starting to look pretty granola. 🙂

      • heidi

        my youngest is now 7, but i will NEVER forget the day i took her and her little girlfriend to McDonalds for a Happy meal, they got those cite little Madamae Alexander Wizard of Oz dolls. they were 4. Upon returning said child to mother, mom says with disdain,”Oh, she’s never HAD McDonald’s before today.”

  • Kimberly

    These rules also apply to home-schooling groups.

    • renegademama

      Yes, indeed. Clearly they are applicable and relevant in many contexts.

  • Rebekah C

    That’s it, do not pass go OR collect $200. Just go straight to the Hellavator. 😛

    • renegademama

      HA! Awesome. Exactly. BIIIGGGG TROUBLE. 🙂

    • renegademama

      Okay, have to tell you. My husband just read your comment and laughed out loud about the whole “hellavator” thing — said he was going to use that one for sure. Well done.

      • Shan

        I’m using it, too.

  • Erika

    This is a prime example of why I am not a “group” person.
    And as far as letting your child cry for long periods of time… I don’t have kids, but I think that sometimes kids cry to get attention, and sometimes there really is a reason for crying that needs to be dealt with. My mother was one of those crazy women who actually asked me questions and had discussions with me (even when I was in the womb).
    I think there are extremes in ever situation. I just think the woman in Target who was ignoring her son as he screamed and writhed on the floor while she was talking to her friend for over an hour was a little out of it. And that was from the time I walked into the store, and then checked out.
    I believe in moderation in all things. “All things” being the things that are “good” for you and the things that are “bad” for you.

    I’ve been reading your blog posts to my mother, and discussing ideas with her… She says she now understands why I turned out the way I did. She has been half apologizing, and half laughing about it…

    • renegademama

      Yeah, I never let my babies cry unless I absolutely have to. I don’t like hearing it. It makes my heart hurt. And I’m working from the premise that my babies are not “out to get me” or manipulate me — rather, they’re communicating in the only way they know how. I follow my gut when it comes to mothering and I tend to fall much more in line with the attachment parenting “hippie” granola types, but DAMN are we fun to make fun of!

      Glad you and your mom are enjoying. I sure enjoy having you around. Cheers friend.

  • Christina

    All I can say is… Hahahahaha!

    This is way too funny.

    Especially the part where you label yourself as a glass house while throwing stones. ~~Smile~~

    • renegademama

      Oh you know I make fun of everybody, indiscriminately, including myself. It’s fun. I mean shit. Are you kidding? I am such a granola crunch mom — homebirthing, breastfeeding (for 12 years), co-sleeping, cloth diapering…but I’m not a Nazi and I know there are many ways to raise kids, and they pretty much all work. I laugh at myself and all of us, because it is all very amusing, don’t you think? And I find that ironically, the most judgmental FUCKS are usually the “open-minded”, rich “hippie” types (who aren’t actually hippies at all)…know what I mean?

      • Suzanne

        Hallelujah! Say it, sistah!

        • renegademama

          Suzanne!!! YAY! YAY! (I’m a little excited that you’re here. Just a LITTLE.)

          I adore you. Stick around please and comment often. I’m always very interested in your perspectives. You’re an awesome woman.

          • Christina

            You know how much I share your affinity for the yippie type. I am pretty granola too but you are 100% correct when you say the difference is how judgmental they are. Lol… ‘they’. Anyway I do find it all funny and sometimes exhausting. It may explain my hermit like tenancies.

            • renegademama

              Yippie. I love that word. I need to steal it but I keep forgetting. I’m totally granola. It’s the attitude. Ya know? I mean, I have attitude too, but it’s cute when I do it. But seriously – that judgmental “I’m enlightened. You’re not” crap. Blah.

  • Michelle

    Welp this was some funny shit but I have to say I am the complete opposite when it comes to parenting…proud member of the fa fa formula league! You are hilarious though, but I have to go pick up dinner at McDonalds. bye for now 🙂

    • renegademama

      Hell yeah – whatever works, right? You won’t get judged around here, at least not by me. 🙂 I’ve blown it so many times with my kids – I’ve got No room. Shit, my kids are lucky they’re not sleeping in refrigerator boxes under a bridge. Come to think of it, so am I!. Okay I may have overshot the mark there, just a tad. Anyway, cheers.

  • Shan

    It sounds like these Waldorfs are exactly my people. Except that I really don’t give a rip about how you feed, clothe, teach or love your child. That’s right, I’m a rebel.

  • Helena

    Or…let your child participate in cheerleading. Two of the moms in my homeschool group actually wrinkled their noses when I mentioned it. The rest either pretended I said nothing or outright critized the activity. It doesn’t matter how talented your child is or difficult the stunts. They’d rather have their kid play the violin even if they sound like a dying cat. No football, either.
    P.s. My sugary, gluten-laden cookies are the first the kids grab.

  • Emily Wahl

    I just found your blog, and I adore it. I am pretty sure you just helped me regain my sense of humor that has been missing for the last 6 years. Now whenever my kids are driving me insane, I just think the words, “asshats”, and laugh instead of keeping it all inside and contemplating breaking knickknacks. Also, I want to correct you on the whole Cheetos thing. Here is what would really happen:
    They would think “just one won’t hurt”, wait till they think no one is looking, and covertly eat a Cheeto. 5 minutes later the bag would be gone, and they would all be looking at eachother awkwardly. Covered in orange goo, someone would mumble something about the 80-20 rule.

  • MONI

    What is this “Waldorf” that you speak of? Someone, break it down for me.

  • April

    The really weird thing is that Waldorf is anti attachment parenting and not big on breast feeding past a year. I know…Suprise! I was shocked when i learned this bit of info. Although wearing black is discouraged and light ups shoes are fropm the devil.

  • Lena

    How did I end up here!? I don’t know. I must have clicked a link without looking. Anyhow…this is so true. I hope I find a Waldorf inspired play group some day, that does not consist of anthroposophy nazis! Wish me luck >.>

  • Trackbacks

  • Trackback from wtf? wednesday  |   |  renegade motheringrenegade mothering
    Wednesday, 13 April, 2011

    […] playing with his wooden sword (yes, exactly the Waldorf type of toy I made fun of in this post), looks very serious and says to me “this sword looks like it’s made of wood. But it’s […]

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