What I learned this week – toymakers hate humans.

by Janelle Hanchett

What I learned this week…

  1. I hate most toys. Especially the ones that GROW. You know, like the bugs and animals and other crap. The little people somehow acquired a new, previously unknown version of grow toy, in the form of marbles. Holy shit they are annoying.
  2. The makers of such toys must hate humanity. I bet they laugh to themselves as they send them out into the world, “Ha ha ha! [insert evil chuckle], tiny hard balls that grown into slightly larger squishy balls, serving no purpose whatsoever, offering no entertainment value, existing  in fact only to create messes and drive parents batshit crazy! Yay!”
  3. My dad is quite the minimalist. He pretty much keeps nothing. I used to be confused by this. I am no longer confused by this. I have begun throwing things away behind everybody’s backs. I don’t feel bad about it. If they really cared about these items, they wouldn’t be abandoned on my living room floor. Or my car. Or the backyard. Damnit.  
  4. Does anybody else talk to drivers in other cars as if they can hear you? You know, like if they pull out in front of you and you respond “Really? Dude. What the hell? My car’s full of kids you royal assface. Why you gotta hate?”
  5. So my house is mostly more in order. My mom came over today and once again saved my bottom. (Sometimes without warning I feel compelled to insert non-potty mouth substitutions for swear words.  When I’m really feeling frisky I’ll use “Fudge!” or “Frick!” Yeah it’s nonstop action around here.)
  6. Anyway, I must say the room looks really, really nice. It’s bright and airy and clean and we even put in crown moulding – which is totally a big deal. And we didn’t do the “okay we’re bored now” half-assed job we normally do. We did things right.
  7. Except for the planning part. But let’s not get crazy.
  8. I’m having a really hard time not talking shit about some of the stuff I read on other blogs. Some blogs (like this one or this one or this one) are good and interesting and not judgmental or pretentious or preachy. But there are others. And I want to rip them new ones. But for the moment I’m restraining myself. While I can’t imagine those kinds of bloggers ever reading Renegade Mothering, there is a vague possibility the person in question might read my shit-talking, and then I’d be the mean kid and who wants that? 
  9. But damn it would be so fun. SO FUN. And I really really want to. (can you hear it “Mama, puh-lease? Just this once?!”) It just seems like such a plunge, you know – headfirst into cross-blog shit-talking? I don’t know if I have the energy for that. Of course, if somebody did call me out on it, I guess I could just say “Stop writing stupid judgmental shit on your blog and I’ll stop making fun of you.”
  10. Plus, when I see this stuff, I only read the blog once (why would I return for such agony?), so at least I’d only make fun of each blogger once, which significantly lowers the chances of their seeing it, right? And what’s the worst that can happen? I piss off strangers? Wouldn’t be the first time. Hmmmm…

Oh right. And since you’re here, please vote for me again. Puh-lease? (There’s a link on the left.) Thanks people, and have a great week.

25 Comments | Posted in weeks of mayhem | August 21, 2011
  • Shel

    Of course I voted for you! I bet the room looks great!! And yes I talk to other drivers all the time who piss me off and no they can’t hear me but damnit, it makes me feel better…then of course I turn around and apologize to my kids for my road rage 😉 do as I say not as I do, right?!And oh yeah those squishy ball things, those suck, I gave them to the neighbor kid! Completely useless toy.

    • renegademama

      It does look pretty great. I must admit it. And I LOVE that you gave that crap to the neighbor. Their parents must LOVE THE SHIT OUTTA YOU. Or something. 🙂

  • Fat in Suburbia

    I voted for you. I lucked out and don’t have the ‘fun’ of the growing marbles. My kids are too old for such things now. Thank God.

    • renegademama

      So there is hope. Some day my house/mind/life will be growing-marble free.

  • Michael Ann Riley

    Sure hope mine isn’t one of those blogs! 🙂 No…I totally get you on that. And as for tossing things….do it! Toss, toss, toss!

    • renegademama

      Oh you are SO NOT one of the people. I’m talking about those pretentious judgmental moms…you know, that “holier than thou” attitude.

  • kim

    How many ways can I say that I love you?

    Cuz I do. Bunches. And besides loving YOU, I am infatuated with your writing. Ugh, to have your talent. I am so happy you’re headed back to school. I may reenroll when you finish just so you can be my teacher. {Just make sure it’s at a JC so I can afford it}.

    And we need to get together. But we can discuss that later.

    • renegademama

      Wow. Thanks so much, Kim. Your compliments mean so much to me.

      And yes, please. Lunch, dinner, whatever. I need you.

  • Melanie

    About trash-talking other blogs– I read a blog recently that was lambasting (ooh! that may be the first time I ever used that word!) the movie “The Help.” The blogger in question had NOT SEEN THE HELP and said she did not need to see the movie to criticize it. I thought I would lose my mind when I read her post. YOU MUST SEE THE MOVIE BEFORE YOU CAN REVIEW IT OR AM I JUST CRAZY?!
    I don’t care if she hates The Help or not, I totally support her right to have an opinion, but for her to post a blog about it, she HAS TO GO SEE IT FIRST.
    Whew. Thank you. Yes, I do chastise drivers as well.

    • renegademama

      Wow, that’s priceless. “Reviewing” a movie you haven’t seen. What is that “hypothetical reviewing?” People are so weird.

  • Denee Rebottaro

    Sometimes there are after hours cleanups at the office and nobody’s desk is off limits…There are also after hours file cleanups too…Nobody will admit they did it but, I have a pretty good guess who it is 🙂

    • renegademama

      OOOOOOOOOO> that is SO my dad. He’ll throw anything and everything away. No matter what. When I lived with him I kept everything in my room, since he’d never go in there (too messy) – I knew it was safe.

  • The Sweetest

    I have this fantasy of picking up all the crap I find on the floor and on the counters and the stairs and anywhere else in the way and throwing it all out the window. Poof! Instant sanity.

    • renegademama

      That’s a glorious vision. If you ever try it, please let me know how it goes. Cheers.

  • Shan

    My husband and I are both tossers… uh, not in the British insult sort of way (even if I was PMSing pretty hard yesterday and we got into a stupid argument about the fact that he didn’t respond to something I said that did not require any sort of comment. What?). The only problem is that I toss things that are of no use to us. And my tossing is usually to someone else who can use it. His tossing has included a job from work that I’d brought in while cleaning out my car (that I had to pay to replace), a coupon for a free massive pack of diapers from BRU (so basically $42) and our insurance cards.

    Apparently I am still PMSing if I’m telling you this.

    • renegademama

      My husband is not allowed to throw anything away EVER. Ever ever ever ever. That’s my job. Because if I throw something important away, it’s okay because I do so much other good it outweighs the occasional bad. Holy shit I’m so unreasonable.

  • Not Blessed Mama

    i didn’t mean it, i swear!
    sometimes i feel like trash talkin stuff i read too, but i chose to be “the bigger person” and hold my head high and click away nastily.
    (can i freak out some more about how we’re in the same city? cuz i am seriously tripping over it. i’m not sure why. are you scared yet? i might be. i think i’m scaring myself.)

    • renegademama

      You CRACK ME UP. You know we’re gonna get together one of these days. YOU.KNOW.IT.

      You can’t run from the truth.

      Wait. Now I’m sounding a little scary. Sorry. My bad.

      But really there is no escaping.

  • Kateri Von Steal

    #4 – Yes I do. And I am glad I’m not alone. I love when I get cut off, and then the person in front of me gives ME the finger. Oh man… How I say things to him, and I am sure he hears me… ROFL

    #8 – 10 : **NODS** I am on board with this… Wanna start a cross blog war? I’ll go get my trebuchet ready…. NO, I don’t REALLY have a trebuchet… but, I can get one!!!! **giggles**

    Renegade Mothering = Awesome.

    I really enjoy your blog!

    Keep checking in on mine… Comment good/bad… all criticism is vital!
    Us real moms need to keep ourselves in check… sometimes!


    • renegademama

      Glad you have my back, Kateri. Together we can take ’em all down. Kidding.

      Sort of. I mean seriously some of those women need to remove the sticks from their asses, bring their egos into normal size and stop judging people they don’t know. I mean I judge people I don’t know, but only when they do stupid shit.


  • NovelTeaMommy

    I totally cuss out other drivers. It’s most hilarious/embarrasing when I’m on the phone. I’ve had to backpedal a few times…”no, not you, the fucktard in the other car”.

    Annoying toys, we have our share. Why is it that kids always like the most annoying ones best? I’ve fantasized about purging them. And I think I’m closer to making my fantasy a reality 🙂

    • renegademama

      You say “FUCKTARD?” Clearly we’re gonna be friends. That may be my favorite word EVER.

  • Sara

    The most common phrase said to those drivers that I know can hear me is “Get off your phone and drive!”

    • renegademama

      I hear you. Even when they’re on those hands-free devices or speaker phones, I still get annoyed. Except when I’m doing it. If I’m doing it it’s okay. obviously.

  • dani

    I hate small toy items. I’m convinced that both of my children are headed for Hoarders unless something drastic happens. And is it me, or does the size of toys continue to get smaller and smaller? Tiny little shoes and micro-doll dishes are every-fucking-where. Don’t get me started on Legos.

    Shit talking is fun and dangerous. The devil on my shoulder says “go for it”, the pussy says play it neutral. But where’s the fun in that?