I realize practically every blogger on the planet does this exact post, but holy hell I can see why. Because this shit is funny. So here you have it: the “Best Of Google Search Terms” post. These are terms people have entered into Google and used to ultimately find my blog (kinda scary).
Because I like to be helpful, I’ve given little responses to the searcher. Right, helpful. That’s it.
“do I have the mind of a 9-year-old?” – Well I think that may be pushin’ it. Perhaps more like a 4-year-old, since you apparently think the internet has some insight on the inner workings of your particular mind.
“why do i want to headbutt things when i’m angry?” – Because you’re angry and you have poor coping skills.
“how to tell when people hate you?” – If you don’t know I can promise pretty much everybody hates you.
“I’m not pooping i’m just thinking real hard” – Thank you for clearing that up. I was concerned. Although I’m guessing you’re really not thinkin’ that hard.
“my life is miserable because I’m a crackhead” – Yes, I imagine it is. At least we’ve pinpointed the problem. Now hmmmmm…. a possible solution…. Huh. I for one am stumped. Let’s go smoke some crack and think about it.
“goldfish poop hanging out” – Yep, just hanging out. Just kicking it. But why my friend would you GOOGLE such a thing? What do expect to find? Photos of a fish bowl with poop? Suggestions on the topic? Empathetic stories?
“10 interesting reasons to wear clean clothes” – Sorry, the only ones I know are pretty uninteresting, like “not stinking” and “not looking like a homeless person.”
“I’m too old to change my mistakes” – Welcome to the club.
“why do my ed hardy seat covers sag” – The critical question here is not why your Ed Hardy seat covers sag, but rather, my friend, why the hell you own Ed Hardy seat covers in the first place.
“med school stop fucking with me” – You are not increasing my confidence in the medical profession.
“I feel like I pretend being an adult” – Is there any other way to do it?
“I’m a bad mother because I curse and yell a lot” – You’ve come to the right place, sister.
“how a crack head thinks” – Well a lot about crack, I imagine.
“how does the flap on a onesie work?” – Wait. Seriously?
“how to dress like a waldorf mom” – If you’re asking this question, you’ve already totally missed the Waldorf boat.
“damn, I am sleeping with my roommate’s mom” – That is too bad. I hate it when that happens. It’s kinda like when I wake up saying “Damn, I have a sore tooth.” You know, bad luck and whatnot.
“parenting toddlers with stickers” – It’s gonna take a little more than that, buddy.
AND MY PARTICULAR FAVORITE ON SO MANY LEVELS:
“what to do when you pet your cat on meth” – I just don’t know where to begin. Maybe…slow down?