Best of: Google Search Terms

by Janelle Hanchett

I realize practically every blogger on the planet does this exact post, but holy hell I can see why. Because this shit is funny. So here you have it: the “Best Of Google Search Terms” post. These are terms people have entered into Google and used to ultimately find my blog (kinda scary).

Because I like to be helpful, I’ve given little responses to the searcher. Right, helpful. That’s it.

“do I have the mind of a 9-year-old?” – Well I think that may be pushin’ it. Perhaps more like a 4-year-old, since you apparently think the internet has some insight on the inner workings of your particular mind.

“why do i want to headbutt things when i’m angry?” – Because you’re angry and you have poor coping skills.

“how to tell when people hate you?” – If you don’t know I can promise pretty much everybody hates you.

“I’m not pooping i’m just thinking real hard” – Thank you for clearing that up. I was concerned. Although I’m guessing you’re really not thinkin’ that hard.

“my life is miserable because I’m a crackhead” – Yes, I imagine it is. At least we’ve pinpointed the problem. Now hmmmmm…. a possible solution…. Huh. I for one am stumped. Let’s go smoke some crack and think about it.

“goldfish poop hanging out” – Yep, just hanging out. Just kicking it. But why my friend would you GOOGLE such a thing? What do expect to find? Photos of a fish bowl with poop? Suggestions on the topic? Empathetic stories?

10 interesting reasons to wear clean clothes” – Sorry, the only ones I know are pretty uninteresting, like “not stinking” and “not looking like a homeless person.”

“I’m too old to change my mistakes” – Welcome to the club.

“why do my ed hardy seat covers sag” – The critical question here is not why your Ed Hardy seat covers sag, but rather, my friend, why the hell you own Ed Hardy seat covers in the first place.

“med school stop fucking with me” – You are not increasing my confidence in the medical profession.

“I feel like I pretend being an adult” – Is there any other way to do it?

“I’m a bad mother because I curse and yell a lot” – You’ve come to the right place, sister.

“how a crack head thinks” – Well a lot about crack, I imagine.

“how does the flap on a onesie work?” – Wait. Seriously?

“how to dress like a waldorf mom” – If you’re asking this question, you’ve already totally missed the Waldorf boat.

“damn, I am sleeping with my roommate’s mom” – That is too bad. I hate it when that happens. It’s kinda like when I wake up saying “Damn, I have a sore tooth.” You know, bad luck and whatnot.

“parenting toddlers with stickers” – It’s gonna take a little more than that, buddy.



“what to do when you pet your cat on meth” – I just don’t know where to begin. Maybe…slow down?

  • Stephanie

    Wow, and I thought mine were bad…

    • renegademama

      I gotta check out your blog. I’m on it.

  • Kateri Von Steal


    This was hysterical.

    It’s exactly what I needed today!

    Oh… I wrote a post about Pizza today… yeah, I know, I wash hungry, don’t judge!!!! hahaha.

    It’s pretty funny… come check it out!

    • renegademama

      Read the pizza post. Now I’m hungry. Damn it. 🙂

  • Michael Ann Riley

    Oh my, can’t stop laughing! Forwarding this one….
    Michael Ann

  • Amber

    Everyone may do them but everyone is different and such a good read. 🙂 The things people search for can be just down right insane and funny to us all. 🙂

    • renegademama

      Yes, there is no limit to the insanity. I already have some more stacked up for the next one…

  • Stacey

    “what to do when you pet your cat on meth”

    Wow. You deserve a prize for that one.

    • renegademama

      I know. You can’t make this shit up. I mean it’s so rad on so many levels. Not “what to do IF….” or “how to pet your cat on meth,” but “What to do WHEN…” It’s fucking INSANE.! I just have this vision of some tweaker sitting there googling shit. Wow.

  • kim

    Yep, everyone does this post. The difference here is that yours is actually entertaining.

    The waldorf mom thing. WTF would anyone strive for that look?

    P.S., your follower box {snicker} caught my eye because you have 69 {snicker} followers.

    • renegademama

      You always bring the class, Kim. That’s why I love you.

  • Jess

    “how to tell when people hate you?” – If you don’t know I can promise pretty much everybody hates you.

    OH GOD. I startled the baby awake when I laughed out loud at this. I love the way your brain thinks. It’s so damned irreverent and entertaining. I wish we could hang out.


  • Jennifer Probst

    There is a reason you need to do this post – absolutely hysterical!! I may need to check out mine…I loved the how a crack head thinks. Research maybe? Or not!

  • dani

    I gotta check mine. But it won’t hold a candle to yours, this I’m sure. I strive for searches involving crackheads, poop, and head butting.

    You are my hero.

  • Jenn

    I can actually answer the goldfish enigma for you. I had pet goldfish as a kid, and I can attest the fact that when they poop, it often hangs like a long string out of their bums. I spent many hours as a kid watching my goldfish swim around with poop trails in their wake. So really, what people are searching for is not goldfish poop that’s loafing around…they’re looking for pics of poop trailing out of a fish butt.

    Aren’t you glad I told you this? Isn’t your day just THAT much better with this little nugget of information? LOL

    I should probably be going now. Pay no attention to me…I’m on medication…

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