So that didn’t take long. We already have material for a new volume of Idiot Surfing.
Today we’re featuring a Facebook post that asked people to complete the sentence “I suspected I was a crunchy parent when…” And as you can imagine, there are some real winners.
Please note: I have nothing against crunchy parenting. In fact, on paper, I’m pretty damn granola myself. But doesn’t it seem that the crunchies are by far the most judgmental parents? Maybe I’m wrong, but it appears that there’s an air of pretension surrounding the attachment-parenting thing – which seems weird, doesn’t it? Hypocritical? Since we”re supposed to be the “enlightened,” “accepting” ones? Ah, the complexities.
Whatever. Who gives a shit. Let’s make fun of ‘em. Here we go. I suspected I was a crunchy parent when…
“…my daughter looked in horror when she a woman feeding her child “poison” in a bottle!” – Really, lady? Really? Poison? Effing POISON? Could you just try for one single moment to enter the realm of the reasonable? POISON? Rat killer is poison. Chemicals are poison. Napalm is poison. Formula (you self-important small-minded jackass) is NOT poison. What if that woman can’t breastfeed? What if the baby can’t breastfeed? What if the baby was adopted? ARGH. It’s people like you that make me a closeted crunchy mother.
“…I cried at the mere mention of giving my baby formula.” – Yes. It’s one of the great tragedies of the world. War, child abuse, cancer, and formula feeding.
“…I didn’t want to pass my baby around and let others hold him.” – Hey dumbshit. That makes you paranoid and possessive, not crunchy. The crunchies aren’t afraid of germs. They love germs. Germs are organic. Duh.
“… I decided to breastfeed … co-bathe…child-led parent.” – What the hell is “co-bathing?” Are you telling me that each and every night at 7pm you strip down and get in the bath with your baby? You have too much time on your hands, that’s all. And “child-led parenting”? Holy hell, that’s a good idea. Here’s what “child-led” parenting would look like in my house:
Me, to my 5-year-old son: “Hey Rocket, what are you doing?”
Rocket: “I’m putting my penis in a funnel.”
Me: “But you’re supposed to be eating dinner.”
Rocket: “This is more fun. I’m doing this instead.”
Me, being a “child-led parent:” “Well okay, then. Does it fit?”
[2 hours pass]
Rocket: “Mama, I’m hungry!”
Me: “Okay, go eat the dinner you didn’t eat 2 hours ago. By the way, what are you doing with the cat?”
Rocket: “Oh, I tied her paws together with pipe cleaners and stuck her in this pillow case and now I’m going to tow her around behind my dump truck. She likes it.”
Me, being a “child-led parent”: “Very nice, honey! Excellent creativity. I support you in your ideas and free-play, so have fun and, if possible my sweet bundle of lovely, try not to kill our kitty, mmmmkay?”
(Okay so I have no idea what “child-led” parenting is for real, but it sounds bad. I mean shit, if kids could parent themselves, why would they need parents?)
“… our favorite music is the sound of the wind in the trees.” – Yeah, hate to break it to you, but the sound of wind in the trees is not music. It’s the sound of the wind, in.the.trees. That is all.
“…I can’t travel because I don’t have my refrigerator and pantry with all organic fresh foods.” – Oh sweet Jesus where do I begin? You’re just an idiot. Just an idiot. There is nothing else to say. No way to expand. Except I should mention that your kids are undoubtedly going to hate you, partly for sheltering them from the world because it couldn’t provide “organic fresh foods,” but mainly just because you’re an idiot.
While waiting for the next edition of Idiot Surfing, perhaps you could donate 2 clicks to a super worthy cause. There are only four more days. And then, since I’ll probably never be nominated for anything again, I’ll leave you alone forever. Well, on this particular topic.
Kateri Von StealTuesday, 6 September, 2011 at 5:55
OH MY THIS MADE MY MORNING!
So Funny…. *giggles* Funnel!
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JenniferTuesday, 6 September, 2011 at 6:55
Oh sweet Jesus I really hope those were all made up. My version of co-bathing is yelling at my kids to get out of the bathroom when I shower.
Lisa V.Tuesday, 6 September, 2011 at 7:01
Oh, this is awesome! I literally laughed out loud and snorted coffee up my nose.
Regarding the first one, about “poison” in the bottle…I’d like to add that you don’t KNOW what is IN the bottle! My daughter was difficult to breastfeed. I tried…she was easily distracted. If a piece of dust floated through the air she’d turn her head and watch it. If a bird chirped outside, she’d turn her head and try to figure out what made the sound. God forbid the phone should ring or my son should call me. Since I also had a slightly needy two year old at the time, I resorted to the pump and fed her with a bottle since I could keep the bottle in her mouth while she turned her head to and fro. I got all sorts of dirty looks from those “crunchy” moms and frankly, it pissed me the hell off.
OK, rant over. Great post!
not blessed mamaTuesday, 6 September, 2011 at 11:33
one time, i was telling a friend about how the kids on jon & kate plus 8 said they had to take vitamins on their vacation because they might get sick from not being able to eat all organic foods- my friend said, “my kids would probably say that.” *silence*
kimTuesday, 6 September, 2011 at 13:53
This is perfect, just like you, bear claw.
eringirlTuesday, 6 September, 2011 at 15:42
This is why I don’t really tell people that I like granola. I don’t even think that I can complete that sentence without gagging.
When I think of child-led parenting I think of one of those monkey “backpacks” that is really a leash. But in this case, the parent is wearing the monkey and the kid is laughing saying “HA you dumbass!”
ShanTuesday, 6 September, 2011 at 18:59
At the mere mention of facebook, I wanted to click the like button. After every single paragraph (and some mid-paragraph statements).
And I read this ” It’s people like you that make me a closeted crunchy mother” as ” It’s people like you that make me a closeted crunchy, motherfucker.” Which made me think of this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PsnxDQvQpw
LysaTuesday, 6 September, 2011 at 21:06
This post is the best! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
NovelTeaMommyWednesday, 7 September, 2011 at 7:05
OMG. So funny. I almost ‘outed’ myself at work as I couldn’t stop laughing.
MelissaWednesday, 7 September, 2011 at 7:05
Thank you so much, you made my morning.
ChristinaWednesday, 7 September, 2011 at 7:20
Cheers to the granola moms for giving us something to laugh at. Too much granola is not a good thing.
StephanieWednesday, 7 September, 2011 at 7:43
Luckily for me, my babies happen to LOVE poison.
SaraWednesday, 7 September, 2011 at 18:34
I was absolutely nodding my head when I read your responses to those responses. Especially to the 1st two. I think I’m going to stick with my plan of being a store bought, gooey, dog licking the baby’s face mom.
renegademamaSunday, 11 September, 2011 at 12:46
“dog licking the baby’s face” mom – awesome. I was just talking to a woman today at the park, who said, “I knew we could be friends when I saw your baby covered in and eating dirt.” — just like the dog-licking thing…there are mothers that care about that sort of thing, and mothers who don’t. The end.
Kelly-MarieThursday, 8 September, 2011 at 3:24
This is so funny and totally agree witha all these lol I hate people that raise thier babies following a book and judge others that don’t :S WTF!
renegademamaSunday, 11 September, 2011 at 12:47
That was well said. That’s exactly it. Raising them based on a theory or a system rather than from the gut. I hadn’t thought of it like that before, but it’s right on.
MarisaTuesday, 1 November, 2011 at 14:57
Germs ARE organic. hahahaha!
SandyTuesday, 5 March, 2013 at 18:32
Love this post! I do lots of crunchy things, but I don’t talk about them much, or join any groups because the attachment mommies scare me, lol. I just do what comes naturally for my son and I, some crunchy, some not and he is turning out pretty great. 🙂 glad to know I am not alone!
NikkiTuesday, 16 July, 2013 at 11:20
Can you start doing this again? 😉
EmilyFriday, 16 January, 2015 at 14:49
I guess I didn’t realize that bringing your baby in the bath with you was now a goddamn “parenting approach” that needed a name. I bathed with my kids as newborns because they’re too damn floppy and slippery in the baby bath, and because that’s the only place my daughter would nurse calmly, and I sure as hell didn’t do it every day. Plus, when else was I going to get fresh water on my increasingly-off-putting nether regions? But I’m not going to call it co-bathing. That… that doesn’t need to happen.