So…you know what’s worse than disagreeing with somebody’s opinion on the latest parenting controversy?
Realizing you don’t have an opinion on the issue because it never occurred to you to give a shit.
That’s where I stand with the whole Santa controversy.
[And yes, there is a controversy, friends. And it’s a big one.]
Well, maybe not that big, you know, compared to like world hunger or something, but still. It’s pretty big. Big enough to warrant at least 9 thousand blog posts and Facebook discussions.
Some people, evidently, think he’s creepy. Like pedophile creepy. Something about old man, kids on laps, bribing, etc. Mmmmkay. I’m not going into this. Next topic.
Others “can’t stand lying to their kids that way.” Oh come the fuck on. You don’t lie to your kids? Whatever. YOU DO TOO. “Mommy, what were you and daddy doing last night after we went to bed and I heard those sounds coming from your room?” “Um, uh…we were…um…reading the Communist Manifesto. Loudly. In intervals.”
Some people hate the materialistic part of it all. You know. Gifts and crap and whatnot and rewarding good behavior with stuff and bad behavior with, well, stuff. I suppose I can sort of get behind that one except that I can’t, because I like showering my kids in crap from Walmart and I often resort to bribing them. I mean I try not to, cause that’s some seriously shitty parenting (so they say), but when I’m in a bind, I’ll go there. I will.
And we’re all still breathing.
And then other people love the fantasy and play of Santa and think it’s all magical and shit.
But check this out. The only thing that crossed my mind as I read all these passionate diatribes for or against the fat gift-wielding man was “Uhhhhhhhhhhhh…(blank space and stares)….oopsy! Forgot to think about that one!” And…Guess that’s one more parenting approach I haven’t considered at all and thanks A LOT for making me wonder if I have damaged my kids ONE MORE TIME in ONE NEW WAY because I didn’t make a conscious decision about Christmas traditions but pretty much just continued the traditions of my family with no forethought, insight or contemplation.
Yes, I admit it.
I have not deconstructed Santa.
I have not considered the implications, insinuations, assumptions or underlying messages contained in the gift-giving crap extravaganza that is our Christmas. I like it. It’s fun. That’s as far as I’ve gotten.
I did not consider the long-term effects of my lying about who deposits stuff under the tree. I pretty much just did it.
But I’m gonna level with ya. If my kids end up hating me for being a crap parent with poor ideals and pitiable execution, I can promise you it won’t be over the whole Santa thing. I have done so much worse than that.
My yelling alone pales the threat of any long-term Santa-induced trauma.
Easily 5 years of therapy material right there.
And then there’s my mouth and the incredibly poor decision-making surrounding it. For example, last summer I told my (then) 5-year-old son about bears and “friendly” ghosts (look, it’s a long story and it’s complicated.). But really. Who the hell does that? That was a baaaadddd choice.
I didn’t think about it beforehand. I MADE A MISTAKE.
So you can see why I’m just gonna let the whole Santa thing go. Other people can worry about that sort of thing.
I have much bigger fucking fish to fry.
For example, figuring out how to not tell my kids stories that scare the crap out of them for a year.
Or really, thinking before I talk at all would be nice.
Now THAT would be a gift.
And I don’t care who fucking brings it. Incidentally, I don’t think my kids would either.
Maybe Santa will hook that up next year. He is real, isn’t he? He better be. My mama told me he was. And she never lies! She said he WAS REAL! HE MUST BE REAL! Why are you looking at me like that? Did she lie? Did the evil bitch LIE TO ME ALL THESE YEARS about Santa Claus? Oh agony! Oh pain! I CAN’T FACE MY LIFE NOW THAT I KNOW MY MOM TOLD ME A STORY ABOUT AN IMAGINARY MAN, CHIMNEYS AND GIFTS.
I shall not recover!
My inner child is weeping.
Okay that was fun.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.