So every day as I look at my “stats” (why yes, I did feel important saying “stats”) I’m convinced the biggest whackjobs on the planet end up on my blog (present company excluded, of course). I mean the stuff they search for…and then they follow through to my blog…and then I get to see what search phrase brought them there.
Wait. Does that say something about the kind of crap I’m writing?
Nah, that can’t be it. Pure coincidence I’m sure.
Anyhoo, just like the last time I did this, I thought I’d help these people out a bit, by providing some input on their respective concerns.
So here we go. Best Google search terms in the last few months…
- “fart experiment for kids” – Wow. A fart experiment for kids. Well, if you’re thinking of something involving fire and child gas, let me be the first to tell you, in no uncertain terms, THAT IS A BAD IDEA MY FRIEND. If you’d like a “fart experiment,” please try it on yourself first. No really, do. Right now.
- “how to dress if you are a crunchy parent” – Well, I hate to break it to you, but if you’re Googling this, you are decidedly not a crunchy parent. But I’ll help you out anyway, just because I’m nice: wear organic bamboo pants and large leather shoes, fleece, and no make-up. If possible, incorporate hemp and a hand-knit beanie. Also a shirt involving Vegan lifestyles, cooperative gardening or homeless puppies. Be a little dirty, don’t shave your legs, let your hair get a tiny bit funky. Patchwork, bahtik, and odd colors are also a bonus. Smell like lentils and garlic. But mostly, go sit in a dark, quiet room and ask yourself why you’re trying so hard to fit in with a group of people who have based their entire lives on “not fitting in.” Hmmmmm.
- “How to get poo off a onesie” – Wash it, homeslice. Wash it.
- “How to come up with a title for my life” – I’m guessing “Tales of a Dumbass” since you think the internet is going to lend some insight on your personal life. Really dude, that’s just weird.
- “Does insomnia feel like being high” – Yes.
- “Shit, I hate my bed sheets” – Yeah, bad bed sheets can really fuck things up. May I suggest letting go and moving on and then, when you’ve recovered from the initial shock of this experience by commiserating with online strangers about their bed sheet quandaries, buying some new ones.
- “Can my husband have me arrested?” – Well, just throwing out ideas here, but I THINK if you do something illegal, he can indeed have you arrested. Perhaps you should try it and find out. If you do, please come back to this here blog and tell me how it went.
- “Great T.V. for unschooling” – May I suggest a broken one?
- “Things that confuse me” – Not positive, but I BET you’re confused by quite a few things, such as this: the internet can’t tell you what confuses you because it isn’t you. You are you and the internet is not you. And if you search the internet for things that confuse “me” you are going to get a bunch of people explaining what confuses THEM, because they are not as confused as you. Hopefully that helped.
Oh well, at least it’s better than the last one, wherein pretty much every search phrase involved crack or meth.
Clearly, I’m getting classier by the minute, as evidenced by our moving on to fart experiments.