So every day as I look at my “stats” (why yes, I did feel important saying “stats”) I’m convinced the biggest whackjobs on the planet end up on my blog (present company excluded, of course). I mean the stuff they search for…and then they follow through to my blog…and then I get to see what search phrase brought them there.
Wait. Does that say something about the kind of crap I’m writing?
Nah, that can’t be it. Pure coincidence I’m sure.
Anyhoo, just like the last time I did this, I thought I’d help these people out a bit, by providing some input on their respective concerns.
So here we go. Best Google search terms in the last few months…
- “fart experiment for kids” – Wow. A fart experiment for kids. Well, if you’re thinking of something involving fire and child gas, let me be the first to tell you, in no uncertain terms, THAT IS A BAD IDEA MY FRIEND. If you’d like a “fart experiment,” please try it on yourself first. No really, do. Right now.
- “how to dress if you are a crunchy parent” – Well, I hate to break it to you, but if you’re Googling this, you are decidedly not a crunchy parent. But I’ll help you out anyway, just because I’m nice: wear organic bamboo pants and large leather shoes, fleece, and no make-up. If possible, incorporate hemp and a hand-knit beanie. Also a shirt involving Vegan lifestyles, cooperative gardening or homeless puppies. Be a little dirty, don’t shave your legs, let your hair get a tiny bit funky. Patchwork, bahtik, and odd colors are also a bonus. Smell like lentils and garlic. But mostly, go sit in a dark, quiet room and ask yourself why you’re trying so hard to fit in with a group of people who have based their entire lives on “not fitting in.” Hmmmmm.
- “How to get poo off a onesie” – Wash it, homeslice. Wash it.
- “How to come up with a title for my life” – I’m guessing “Tales of a Dumbass” since you think the internet is going to lend some insight on your personal life. Really dude, that’s just weird.
- “Does insomnia feel like being high” – Yes.
- “Shit, I hate my bed sheets” – Yeah, bad bed sheets can really fuck things up. May I suggest letting go and moving on and then, when you’ve recovered from the initial shock of this experience by commiserating with online strangers about their bed sheet quandaries, buying some new ones.
- “Can my husband have me arrested?” – Well, just throwing out ideas here, but I THINK if you do something illegal, he can indeed have you arrested. Perhaps you should try it and find out. If you do, please come back to this here blog and tell me how it went.
- “Great T.V. for unschooling” – May I suggest a broken one?
- “Things that confuse me” – Not positive, but I BET you’re confused by quite a few things, such as this: the internet can’t tell you what confuses you because it isn’t you. You are you and the internet is not you. And if you search the internet for things that confuse “me” you are going to get a bunch of people explaining what confuses THEM, because they are not as confused as you. Hopefully that helped.
Oh well, at least it’s better than the last one, wherein pretty much every search phrase involved crack or meth.
Clearly, I’m getting classier by the minute, as evidenced by our moving on to fart experiments.
StephanieFriday, 27 January, 2012 at 19:38
You are killing me this week! What have you been eating?!? Please tell me lentils and garlic.
renegademamaFriday, 27 January, 2012 at 19:40
Actually, yes. That’s exactly what I’ve been eating. AND, speaking of crunchy parenting…we SPROUTED OUR OWN LENTILS and have been eating those. I can’t believe I just published that on the internet.
And thanks! I’ve been having a ton of fun this week…
Christina HietbrinkFriday, 27 January, 2012 at 19:49
What no Crocs? Surly Crocs are involved in many “crunchy” ensembles. =}
renegademamaFriday, 27 January, 2012 at 19:54
Oh, dude. I THOUGHT of the Crocs after I published it. Shoulda gone with the Crocs. Damnit.
Michael AnnFriday, 27 January, 2012 at 20:36
This is you at your best! 🙂
I’m just guessing but I bet the person wondering how to dress like a crunchy parent, was going to a costume party :-0 With those great tips you provided, I think that will be my next Halloween costume!
Christina HietbrinkFriday, 27 January, 2012 at 20:52
haha, We should all go “Crunchy” for Halloween: Lol hehe… Im down but im a need to hit some of thrift stores.
renegademamaFriday, 27 January, 2012 at 21:28
Don’t tease me, ladies.
renegademamaFriday, 27 January, 2012 at 21:29
we all live in the same area, so this could happen. Again, don’t tease me.
RossSaturday, 28 January, 2012 at 0:39
Sorry Janelle it was me who googled “fart experament for kids”. It seemed like a fun idea at the time.
sherilinrSaturday, 28 January, 2012 at 8:29
do the crunchies wear leather? cuz i was thinking that leather shoes wouldn’t go with their “save the animals” lifestyle.
i had a hit this week from someone looking for “fartytown”. oh yes, i keep things classy. i thought it was random til i looked at the post they went to & sure enough, i actually used that phrase. oops.
NovelTeaMommyMonday, 30 January, 2012 at 6:53
Ahahahaha. I am so going to start another blog and title it Tales From A Dumbass. Cuz that shit is EPIC. I’ll be sure to credit you so we keep it all legit 😉
carlisleSunday, 2 September, 2012 at 18:51
I just felt the need to share that I Googled ‘shit, I hate my bed sheets.” And the first result was your silly putty post, and the second result was someone asking how to remove shit stains from their mattress because their roommate shit on their bed in revenge. >_>