I went to the gym today. I know. How clichéd – going to the gym on freaking January 2. There were like 17 billion people there, all of them looking super interested and impressed with themselves. I know I was.

Duh.

New Year’s Resolutions.

I also went to the grocery store, where there was an inordinate number of people in the vegetable aisle.

Coincidence?

I think not.

And I totally get it. I fall into the New Year’s Resolution trap. It feels all fresh and new and possible, you know, to start a new way of living, abandon old habits or take on new ones or get skinny or rich or married or whatever.

So as I mentioned yesterday, I’ve decided to jot down a few of my resolutions for 2012. Though I’ve called it Slacker Resolutions 2012, it could also be entitled “The Aim Low List”, or “I’m never going to do any of this shit anyway so let’s set low expectations to avoid excessive disappointment.”

To get my mind rolling, I Googled “most common New Year’s resolutions” and pulled the top 10. Then I modified them a bit, you know, to fit.

Resolution 1: Spend more time with family and friends.

Slacker modification: Stop telling my husband I want a divorce every time we fight.

Resolution 2: Eat healthier food.

Slacker modification: Stop eating chocolate in the middle of the night.

Resolution 3: Exercise.

Slacker modification: Park in the far-away spot immediately, as opposed to circling the lot 9 times hoping a closer one opens up.

Resolution 4: Enjoy life more/be less stressed

Slacker modification: Stop saying “fuck” so often in front of the children.

Resolution 5: Quit drinking.

Slacker modification: Buahahahahaha already did that one.

Resolution 6: Get out of debt.

Slacker modification:  Demand that my husband handle that whole debt situation immediately. If not sooner.

Resolution 7: Learn something new.

Slacker modification: Complete one craft.

Resolution 8: Travel to new places.

Slacker modification: Order something new at the taco truck.

Resolution 9: Help others/volunteer.

Slacker modification: Huh?

Resolution 10: Get organized.

Slacker modification: Stop basing laundry decisions on how many pairs of clean underwear are in my drawer.

I don’t know, but I think this is a pretty solid list.

Slightly unrealistic (particularly the not saying fuck one), but still, pretty solid.

And you? What are your slacker resolutions?

No really, do tell.

This could get good.

1. A few days ago in a coffee shop, while waiting for my 12 shot latte, I glanced down at the table next to me and noticed a young woman sitting there with her gum stuck onto the rim of her coffee cup, presumably saving it for later. Her companion must have been delighted to look at that throughout their conversation.
2. There are not many absolutes in the world, but I’m pretty sure the above-mentioned behavior is just not right, no matter what, in any context for any reason. It’s a fucking piece of gum. Get a new one when you’re done with your coffee.
3. On Friday night Mac and I celebrated our 10^th anniversary with a mini-vacation to Santa Cruz, just the two of us.
4. We could have just sat there staring at each other all night, doing nothing, eating nothing, saying nothing, and it would have been more fun than I’ve had all year – simply because, yes, that’s right: NO OFFSPRING.
5. But as an added bonus, we didn’t just sit there. We went to dinner, where we had a real conversation and sat in our chairs the whole time (rather than circling the restaurant in pursuit of a riotous toddler), AND somehow managed to proceed through our meal with no arguments or squealing regarding who gets to sit where and whether or not they can have lemonade.
6. Kids are annoying.
7. Anyhoo, we saw one of our favorite bands (The Devil Makes Three) at The Catalyst, which is this super popular bar/concert hall in downtown Santa Cruz. To be honest, the show wasn’t the best we’d ever seen, HOWEVER, one of my dreams came true on the way home from that show.
8. You think I’m going to say something about Brad Pitt or the lottery or Bob Dylan, don’t you? No. Much cooler than that, people.
9. I went through a sobriety checkpoint, SOBER. I’m not going to tell you how excited I was when I saw it coming, how fun it was to tell the officer  “a bar” in response to his question “where are you coming from” and yet know I was sober as a, um, I don’t know, something sober…a Mormon? A monk? And I got to whip out my license all confident and shit and chat with the officer like a respectable member of society. There was a time not that long ago when a sobriety checkpoint would have seriously altered the course of my life. I’m not proud of this, just glad I’m not still there, doing stupid things that threaten my life and others’ lives and put me on the outskirts of society, in the place where the fuck-ups dwell.
10. Speaking of new places, happy freaking New Year. It’s 2012. I guess that should mean something to me, but it pretty much doesn’t. It’s another year. It will be good and it will suck but it won’t be that bad, guaranteed (see number 9), and I’ll keep trudgin’ along with this family I love who completes me and infuriates me, and maybe I’ll reach some goals, maybe I’ll be offered some kick-ass writing or teaching job somewhere, maybe I’ll lose some pounds – but mostly I’ll just be me, living, just like every other year, whatever that entails. I don’t get particularly excited about the New Year, nor particularly nostalgic about the past one. I am, however, fucking stoked the holidays are over.

That said, I’m glad I’m here. And you, I’m glad you’re here.

Tomorrow I’ll be writing my list of resolutions. I believe I’m going to call them “Slacker Resolutions 2012.”

There’s something to look forward to in addition to what is obviously going to be the best year of our lives. Ha.