- When I was a kid, my mom would often announce on a Saturday or Sunday morning “Hey kids. We’re going to the beach. Come on.” And we’d jump and squeal and get in the car and go. It was only 30 minutes away. We’d play, all day, in the sun and sand. We’d eat hot dogs. We’d come home in the evening, sunburned and exhausted and uncomfortable from sand and dried salt water.
- Those are some of the best memories of my life.
- Sometimes, I wake up and announce “Hey kids. Come on. We’re going to the beach.” And the kids jump and squeal and we get in the car and go. We did it on Friday. Mac had the day off. We drove just north of San Francisco, just beyond the Golden Gate Bridge to the Marin Headlands. We were there all day. The kids ran and jumped off logs and assaulted dead jellyfish with sticks. Georgia ate sand and sucked on large rocks. I sat on a blanket and watched the surfers and waves and sunlight. My heart beats for California.
- Anyhoo, just wondering, do really inappropriate conversations sometimes evolve in your house, without you meaning for them to happen? Yeah, it happens to me on a semi-regular basis. For example, this:
Ava (walking along the beach): “It smells like the Further concert.”
Me: “Yeah, that’s because somebody is smoking marijuana.”
Rocket: “What’s ‘juana?’”
Georgia: “whaa-na. na.na”
Me: “It’s an herb people smoke to get high.”
Ava: “Is it illegal?”
Me: “Well, yes. Sort of. I mean technically it’s illegal, but it’s not illegal like acid or crack.”
Rocket: “What acid?”
Ava: “What’s crack?”
Me: “Can we talk about something else?”
5. I have all kinds of winning moments with my children. I also had a winning moment with a police officer. I got pulled over. He asked me if I knew why I got pulled over. I said “no,” and meant it. He said “Well you were talking on your cell phone.” And I said “but I had it on speakerphone.” And he looked at me like I have some sort of disorder and said “Um, but you were holding it up to your mouth. What’s the difference between that and holding it up to your ear?” And I looked at him and smiled and said “Sir, I am an idiot. Please give me a ticket for being an asshat.” Then he checked my insurance and let me go.
6. I met a woman recently with 11 kids. ELEVEN KIDS. She’s an undergrad where I go to grad school. I sometimes just sit there and stare at her with my jaw agape, wondering. Just wondering. ELEVEN FREAKING KIDS?
7. Ava’s taken to sleep walking on occasion. I’ll be in the living room doing something fascinating like writing a blog post and she walks in and sits down, silently. I say “hi,” knowing she’s asleep, she rubs her face and looks at me. Then I take her back to bed. It’s slightly creepy.
8. Please don’t tell me that only disturbed kids sleep-walk. I used to pee in the backyard in my sleep, and clearly, I wasn’t disturbed. I mean look at me. This face screams “not disturbed.” Or something.
9. After my dog gets a bath he runs around in circles, full speed throughout the house, stopping for 9-second intervals to roll around on the carpet and grunt. Incidentally, I think he got that from Rocket.
10. Anyway, hope you all have a great week. If you have a moment, perhaps you could look over to the left and hook me up with a vote for Circle of Moms Top 25 “funny mom blogs.” You click that link, then scroll down the page to Renegade Mothering, then click “Vote”. If we all work together we can stop The Bloggess from winning more shit. Just kidding. She’s freaking hysterical. But she’s already arrived, damnit! It’s somebody else’s turn. Only fair.