- Quick. Somebody tell me what sort of developmental nightmare happens at 21-22 months. Georgia WILL NOT sleep. Well, she will, but only in 2-hour increments and after about an HOUR of rocking, soothing, patting, fucking ET CETERA. She had a sinus infection earlier this week; I am praying to God almighty that that’s the problem.
- Speaking of problems, I got an ear infection. WHATTHEFUCK? Those only happen to kids. Uncool, almighty God.
- In other news, ear infections really reallyreally hurt and I now believe my kids are bad-asses, having endured so many with so much less complaining than their mother exhibited.
- I hate leaf-blowers. We’ve been over this so I won’t repeat myself. But I hate them.
- I hate leaf-blowers, but I love my friends. I have amazing friends. I like having friends. There was a time when I had none, on account of being a self-centered drunk who couldn’t call people back, show up, or be nice.
- There is a bird (some sort of jay I think) who sits in a tree in our backyard, and occasionally the telephone pole behind it (yes, our yard is as stunning as you’re probably envisioning) AND CHIRPS AND SING ALL FUCKING…NIGHT. Did you catch that? NIGHT. The damn thing makes the most insane, ear-piercing racket — during the night. What sort of crackhead bird tweets and sings at night? He does it in the day, too. But for obvious reasons, it’s the night thing that kills me. So you know what I do? I throw baseballs at it. While naked.
- Allow me to explain. I sleep naked. OOOOOOO, kinky. No, just comfortable. I’ve always slept without clothes. Like forever. So I’m lying there in bed and I hear this bird “song” (if it’s a song, it’s death metal played loudly, backwards, and with scratches) and it’s so loud people – SO LOUD – I can’t sleep. And it’s like 1am and the whole house is asleep, so I go outside. I don’t put clothes on because who does that? Too much work. Plus I figure it’s dark outside and if some weirdo wants to peek through my fence all night on the off chance somebody might walk by naked, well, he/she deserves a little glimpse. That’s some devotion. Anyway the first time this jay and I had a little midnight encounter I tried rushing the tree and yelling at it to scare him away, but it didn’t even phase the bastard. So I look around. At my feet I observe a bucket of baseballs. Ah ha! I pick one up and I chuck it at the tree. Fucker flew off immediately. Since that worked so well, I’ve been doing it nightly for like 5 days. I’m so good at it now I can throw the baseball, have it go through the tree and hit the telephone pole behind it, so it falls back into our yard (as opposed to our neighbor’s yard, where they were ending up before).
- I couldn’t make this shit up.
- You know, honestly, I’m not sure I have anything left to say after telling that whole story. I think we’ll just leave it at that, as an explanation of how my week has been.
Can we all please take a moment to notice how much I do not look like a woman who throws baseballs at birds while naked, at least in the following photograph?
You see, I pull it off well. At least I think I do. I do, don’t I?
Nevermind, don’t answer. It’s probably best.
How cute is it that Rocket’s looking up at his daddy? Adore.
This week, may all squawking Jays be eradicated from your life through a weird bird-destroying disease.
Or baseballs.
xo
kim
Sunday, 20 May, 2012 at 12:49That picture is ridiculous. So perfect. xoxo
renegademama
Thursday, 24 May, 2012 at 22:45thanks baby
Marisa
Sunday, 20 May, 2012 at 14:22I can sort of relate to the bird thing. You have it worse than me. Our bird starts up about 3:30 or 4:00am and PEEPS!!!!!!. I don’t know what kind of bird it is, but it just makes this really annoying PEEP!!!! Then pauses, then PEEP!!!! Really loud. Sometimes the pauses are shorter and once I thought I was dreaming about a squeaky wheel, only to wake up and realize it is our lovely bird PEEP-ing super fast for some reason. He is very elusive, and we can never quite see where he is in the tree. If he was more obvious, I think my husband would have shot him down out of the tree by now.
renegademama
Thursday, 24 May, 2012 at 22:38For some reason this comment cracked me up. I think it was the all caps “peep!” I could just hear it.
Fucking birds.
Who needs ’em.
Jennifer
Sunday, 20 May, 2012 at 15:49Adult ear infections are the WORST. I had one this winter and I shit you not by the fourth or fifth day I was on the ground rocking and crying. I don’t know how kids deal with these all the time.
renegademama
Thursday, 24 May, 2012 at 22:40Ok so this comment saved me. I had this idea in my head that the antibiotics would work immediately (like the next day) but that damn ear hurt for 3 days – and I thought of you. And since it happened to you, I could rest assured I’m not actually dying of a brain tumor.
Yes, in my ear. A brain tumor in my ear. It could happen.
So thanks! 🙂
Shelly
Sunday, 20 May, 2012 at 18:17I second the suckage of adult ear infections. I get a raging one once or twice a year. One time it was so bad, I was taking vicodin. And yes, that picture is ridiculous. Beautiful family!
renegademama
Thursday, 24 May, 2012 at 22:40“I second the suckage of adult ear infections.”
Excellent on so many levels. I heart you.
Kristi
Sunday, 20 May, 2012 at 21:34Understandable! I once threw dirt at a mockingbird up in a tree by my window. That’s what that kind of noise drives you to. Thinking on a more practical note, could you have a hose set on “jet stream” setting by your door that you could shoot the bird with? Stupid birds can’t help themselves… they can only think about protecting their territory/nest.
renegademama
Thursday, 24 May, 2012 at 22:42OMG I had not thought of the water thing. I’m gonna try it. Mac’s getting pretty irritated at how the baseballs keep disappearing.
OOOOOPS.
Usually I hit the pole and they stay in the yard, but sometimes I miss.
And yes, I’m still doing the naked baseball throwing.
Christina
Monday, 21 May, 2012 at 7:28Oh holly crap, I cannot get past picturing you naked in the backyard hucking baseballs at the bird. That is the best thing I have read in FOREVER!
I think I love you!!!
renegademama
Thursday, 24 May, 2012 at 22:42I KNOW I love you!
Maureen
Monday, 21 May, 2012 at 8:46Light a string of firecrackers and throw it at the tree. After t
2 nights, the little bastard will find a new home.
renegademama
Thursday, 24 May, 2012 at 22:43This is also a good idea. Where can I get firecrackers?
Paige
Monday, 21 May, 2012 at 11:48Three things (only partly because of my love of things being in threes):
1. I shouldn’t, in the future, assume that when someone’s blog post includes “naked baseball-throwing” it means a child is naked throwing baseballs.
2. Then I pictured you naked. No shame.
3. I’ve heard of a way to help ear infections that does not involve medicine, but instead, a sex toy. you’ve got my email if you want the details. 🙂
renegademama
Thursday, 24 May, 2012 at 22:43I believe I will be emailing you soon about that #3.
Curiosity is killin me.
Meagan Philpott
Friday, 25 May, 2012 at 16:04You totally need to share that info! The curiosity is killing me too!!!
Meagan
Thursday, 24 May, 2012 at 4:40Sounds like you have a mockingbird. LOL
Try putting a sprinkler under your tree, or getting one of those bird deterrent decoy owls.
I will forever have an image of the naked baseball throwing. LOL
renegademama
Thursday, 24 May, 2012 at 22:44Welcome, Meagan! The owl thing is wonderful. Doing it.
John Crandell
Sunday, 29 July, 2012 at 9:22That ain’t a Bluejay. It’s a Mockingbird. They’re very noisy this time of year.