Well, now. That’s not a sentence you hear every day. Even Jessica herself might be a little surprised to read that one.
Or, perhaps even more alarming, she might not.
Anyhoo, the other day on the trusty cardio machine I was reading my trusty trash magazines and I saw a picture of Jessica during her baby shower. [Um, how much did she rake in for letting People Magazine cover that one?] And as I saw her I thought to myself “WOW. She’s gained some WEIGHT.”
And then I read that she served deep-fried Twinkies at her shower, which triggered in my trusty little brain a vague recalling of some chatter a few months back about how she said on Jay Leno that she was craving some ghastly brownie creation involving cookie dough and Oreos.
And all the sudden, I kinda started to like her.
I mean she’s not up there with like, say, Jane Austen or my grandma, but she’s further up than most famous pop singers.
Sure, I have never actually listened to a song she’s sung. (She does make music, right?)
And I don’t think I’ve ever actually watched a movie she’s made (there was that one with the car and water and super short shorts…that I never fully watched…Duke something?).
And she doesn’t strike me as the sharpest tool in the shed.
And I have a feeling we may have slightly different approaches to life (considering she sold her baby shower to People Magazine).
And I wouldn’t really suggest my daughters aspire to be like her, per se.
HOWEVER, despite all this, she’s my new hero – say, for the week – because she’s somebody in Hollywood who finally acted like a fucking human during pregnancy by eating too much and getting fat. Like the rest of us.
Finally somebody who doesn’t look like they’ve placed a small basketball in their Gucci dress and called it a baby, with perfectly toned arms/legs/ass/head (can a head be toned?)…happily announcing “I’m due any day!”
While we all watch, gagging from our living rooms at the sight of such horridness (I mean SHIT, ANGELINA, EAT)…sitting there 8 months pregnant and wondering how the hell we’re gonna get off the couch, since we just ate like everything and pretty much can’t move even when we haven’t just eaten. Everything.
Finally. A chick in Hollywood who gets fat like a normal person.
Oh yeah. Yeah yeah yeah I know. Health. Yes. Of course. Not every woman gets fat.
But most of us do.
Or at least, we feel fat. And we gain more than we wanted. And we don’t do Pilates and yoga and ride bikes and swim and eat quinoa and roasted eggplant til the day we deliver.
Most of us eat shit and get fat and hope to God that the whole breastfeeding-burns-calories theory holds water.
And so, I commend you, Jessica Simpson, for representing the poor choices women make during that special time. And for discussing it on national television. And in People Magazine. Even if you did get millions for it.
Of course, now I hear you’ve already sold your post-baby weight-loss journey to some weight-loss company, which means we have suddenly somehow already lost touch with one another, which is kind of sad.
We had some good times, you and I.
It was good while it lasted.
But no matter how thin you get, no matter how many 5Ks you run 4 months after your baby’s born, no matter how soon you divorce your latest flavor, and no matter how BAD your next entertainment endeavor is… I’ll always remember you as The Actual Hollywood Human Female who ate horrible things during pregnancy, got fat, and admitted it.
Like the rest of us.
So cheers to my new hero.
Did I really just write a blog post about Jessica Simpson being my hero? Somebody help me.