1. Sorry I didn’t write Sunday. Or yesterday. Sunday we were visiting my brother and his family. Yesterday I was busy vomiting and shaking with fever all day.
2. Good times.
3. So of course I can barely remember what happened last week, except for one thing: The Dog Whisperer visited our house. Okay FINE not THE Dog Whisperer (as in Cesar), but clearly A dog whisperer. In like 4 minutes she had our maniacal puppy lying submissively at her feet, awaiting the next command.
4. I’m like “HUH? What the fuck did you just do?” And she’s like “He knows I’m the pack leader.” And I say “Sooooo…how do I become the pack leader?” And she responds “Well, you have to demonstrate that you’re in charge, have things under control. In control, but not in a fear-inducing way. Leaders are always fair, calm, collected. They never yell.”
5. And then I looked at her sadly and said “Houston, we have a problem.” Because as you all know, I’m loud and slightly spastic and DEFINITELY a yeller. We all have our faults. Mine has always been a penchant for losing my shit. But I’ve been practicing. The leash is particularly helpful. Particularly on Georgia. JUST KIDDING.
6. You know what else I suck at? Returning library books. Does anybody EVER return library books on time? I mean I just NEVER DO IT. I try. I plan. I put it in my calendar. And then I don’t do it. I’ve gotten to the point that I no longer care about the late fees. I’ve convinced myself I’m supporting the library and so it’s money well spent. WHAT THE HELL?
7. Here’s another seemingly simple thing I just can’t manage to grasp: bringing shit in from the car. I mean that’s simple, right? Every time I bring something out to the car (or the kids do), when I get home I bring it BACK IN THE HOUSE. Right? No problemo. Except there is a problemo. There’s a huge freaking problemo.
8. I can’t seem to make that actually happen. I can’t do it until the crap on the floor is actually LEVEL with the seats and I can’t take it anymore so I lose my shit and yell until the kids help me and the car gets cleaned. You see? Natural born leader.
9. I’m serious. The only reason I bring groceries in is because I can’t handle the thought of wasting all that money on food going bad. Plus, we need to eat.
10. Also, since it appears to be “confessional Tuesday,” check out this dynamic thought process:

Thought 1, occurs while vomiting: “This sucks.”

Thought 2: “I just vomited all the food and water I ate today and clearly I won’t be consuming anything else for quite a long time.”

Thought 3: “Hmmmm, in the interest of weight loss, I guess this doesn’t suck THAT bad.”

So yeah, when Mac got home I declared “The bad news is I vomited all day. The good news is I totally benefited from temporary bulimia.”

I believe he muttered a statement along the lines of “there’s something wrong with you.” Strangely, I hear that often.

And it may be true, but don’t tell the puppy. He thinks I’m the fucking leader.

No, he doesn’t. He thinks I’m the spaz who can’t clean her car, control her children or stop puking.

Win.

1. I’m not saying the puppy is bad, I’m just saying if he does what he’s supposed to do IT’S A FUCKING MIRACLE.
2. But I love him. At least I think I do. No, I do. For sure I do. I love him. But perhaps he could just move beyond this whole jumping on the kids and nipping stage.
3. Somebody explain this to me: Sometimes I don’t go to the gym for awhile, which makes me feel like crap, and because I feel like crap, I eat a bunch of food I shouldn’t, which makes me feel even more like crap and even less like going to the gym, which is the only thing that will make me not feel like crap anymore.
4. If nobody can relate to #3 I’m gonna cry.
5. A couple days ago I found Rocket duct taped (with flame tape no less) to a chair, complete with a sock in his mouth and his hands tied together. As I told Ava, I totally appreciate the sentiment.
6. We went on another camping trip this weekend, but this time we went with some friends. Had a great time but I took no pictures, because I forgot my camera. Could have taken them with my phone, but one of the great joys of camping is not having a phone for a few days…so I have no proof of the wonderfulness.
7. But I have to tell you where we went because it was amazing: Sly Park Recreation Area near Pollock Pines. It’s on a lake (that’s warm enough to swim in), there are bike trails everywhere and there’s a 25-foot high waterfall that you can jump off of into the swimming hole below.
8. Rocket and Ava both jumped off that waterfall. Trip out. I didn’t get to go because I was back at the camp with Georgia, but I was proud nonetheless. Next time, I’m doing it. I love heights. No really, I do. I adore being way the hell up there, looking down. I’ve always been the first to jump off rocks, cliffs, etc. That may because I love heights, or it may be because I’m not too bright. Whatevs.
9. You know what drives me nuts? When people’s kids act like little shit heads and the mother’s like “Oh please let me validate your entitled, spoiled-rotten bullshit because you’re my kid and you’re perfect!” I mean they don’t say that exactly, of course, but that’s what it is. Ya feel me? Like the kid throws a tantrum because he thinks he’s been wronged and the mother backs the kid up without even knowing what went down…just assumes her kid is justified. And then the kid turns 21 and can’t go to school, work or do a damn thing for himself and the mother’s all “wow! That’s so strange! I did everything to empower him!”
10. No, you didn’t. You taught him that his tantrums are valid, reliable ways to get what he wants and that the world should cater to HIM and his whims, even if they are ridiculous…because…because why? Because he’s him and he’s perfect.

In other news, this morning the dog had diarrhea all over his crate. Twenty minutes later the coffee pot overflowed all over the kitchen counter. While brushing my teeth, a bristle struck a nerve of an apparently unwell tooth, because all the sudden I got a stab of the most excruciating pain up my face. It’s been sore ever since. And this afternoon, while driving Rocket to his guitar lesson, I got a ticket on the freeway. Why? Because I was breaking the law.

Nevertheless, this is one of those days that I appreciate for one reason and one reason only: because any day that follows one like this WILL NOT SUCK THAT BAD.

Yes, he’s smiling under there

the only picture I took. As usual, Georgia is immaculate & wearing shoes.