This week…well, I guess it’s more like last week.

by Janelle Hanchett


  1. Sorry I didn’t write Sunday. Or yesterday. Sunday we were visiting my brother and his family. Yesterday I was busy vomiting and shaking with fever all day.
  2. Good times.
  3. So of course I can barely remember what happened last week, except for one thing: The Dog Whisperer visited our house. Okay FINE not THE Dog Whisperer (as in Cesar), but clearly A dog whisperer. In like 4 minutes she had our maniacal puppy lying submissively at her feet, awaiting the next command.
  4. I’m like “HUH? What the fuck did you just do?” And she’s like “He knows I’m the pack leader.” And I say “Sooooo…how do I become the pack leader?” And she responds “Well, you have to demonstrate that you’re in charge, have things under control. In control, but not in a fear-inducing way. Leaders are always fair, calm, collected. They never yell.”
  5. And then I looked at her sadly and said “Houston, we have a problem.” Because as you all know, I’m loud and slightly spastic and DEFINITELY a yeller. We all have our faults. Mine has always been a penchant for losing my shit. But I’ve been practicing. The leash is particularly helpful. Particularly on Georgia. JUST KIDDING.
  6. You know what else I suck at? Returning library books. Does anybody EVER return library books on time? I mean I just NEVER DO IT. I try. I plan. I put it in my calendar. And then I don’t do it. I’ve gotten to the point that I no longer care about the late fees. I’ve convinced myself I’m supporting the library and so it’s money well spent. WHAT THE HELL?
  7. Here’s another seemingly simple thing I just can’t manage to grasp: bringing shit in from the car. I mean that’s simple, right? Every time I bring something out to the car (or the kids do), when I get home I bring it BACK IN THE HOUSE. Right? No problemo. Except there is a problemo. There’s a huge freaking problemo.
  8. I can’t seem to make that actually happen. I can’t do it until the crap on the floor is actually LEVEL with the seats and I can’t take it anymore so I lose my shit and yell until the kids help me and the car gets cleaned. You see? Natural born leader.
  9. I’m serious. The only reason I bring groceries in is because I can’t handle the thought of wasting all that money on food going bad. Plus, we need to eat.
  10. Also, since it appears to be “confessional Tuesday,” check out this dynamic thought process:

Thought 1, occurs while vomiting: “This sucks.”

Thought 2: “I just vomited all the food and water I ate today and clearly I won’t be consuming anything else for quite a long time.”

Thought 3: “Hmmmm, in the interest of weight loss, I guess this doesn’t suck THAT bad.”

So yeah, when Mac got home I declared “The bad news is I vomited all day. The good news is I totally benefited from temporary bulimia.”

I believe he muttered a statement along the lines of “there’s something wrong with you.” Strangely, I hear that often.

And it may be true, but don’t tell the puppy. He thinks I’m the fucking leader.

No, he doesn’t. He thinks I’m the spaz who can’t clean her car, control her children or stop puking.


13 Comments | Posted in weeks of mayhem | July 10, 2012
  • Rebekah Costello

    Ugh. Puking sucks…except for the weight loss. Otherwise, ugh.

  • shauna

    Girrrrl, We have teh same car. And I’m due to give birth in hours/days so I AM A MESS!! I just sobbed in the parking lot of teh grocery store when I realized my 2 y/o took his shoes off, and I would have to “bend” down and get them, and them put them back on. And it’s HOT as hades. And then he threw the marble cake mix I bought twice on the floor, so there I was sobbing IN the grocery store.Lord help me.

  • Jo Eberhardt

    You know you’re hilarious, right?

    Also, I totally do the “well, at least I’m losing weight so it’s not all bad!” thing when I’m sick.

  • Tara

    The other name my kids call me is Evil Mama… I’m just thankful it’s not a variation or combo of the cuss words they’ve learned from me!

  • Trish

    I can’t even borrow from the library anymore because I owe them so much in late fees. And, I used the same exact theory behind the fees. I’m like their biggest donor, they should recognize me in their news letter.

  • Christina

    Even after I renew my library books online for another 14 days, I still cant manage to get them in on time.

    Also, FYI every time I vomit I think the same thing. EVERY TIME!

  • Candy

    We’re buying a house and I have never been as embarrassed as I was when the mortgage company called to tell me we had a problem with our credit report. We owed the library one hundred and ninety dollars in late fees and it was on our credit. I had to go to the library and pay it, take the receipt to the mortgage lender, and then wait while she called and verified it. We suck, I can’t believe this company is going to give us $150,000.

  • Cathleen

    Was the Dog Whisperer a woman named Lynne, by chance? If so, she came and whipped our dogs into shape, too–and same thing. She had them submissive within seconds of walking in the door. I felt quite inept! If it was her, she was trained by Cesar Milan. (I’m assuming it may be the same woman because if I’m not mistaken, you’re in the Sacramento area–and so were we when we had her come.)

  • Mariah

    You can take your library books back on time? Seriously? I didn’t even know that was an option. There are people that actually do that? I don’t believe it.

  • Marisa

    I have a library book that is at least a month over due. I was just dusting it last night, thinking, I really should return this. It will probably take me another month do to it.

    I was sick, vomiting, last month. I had the same thoughts. Oh well, at least I’ll loose a couple of pounds!

  • sara

    somewhere in the pile on the bottom of my car floor there is a library book that is at LEAST a year overdue. i had one five years once. there is a copy of Fahrenheit 451 i took out of a library for my freshman year of HIGH SCHOOL that is still on my shelf. I moved out of that town, seemed like the obvious solution.
    as for the car, my husband has given up and now brings all the shit in every night. win!

  • Samantha

    I couldn’t even return the late library books when they were waving late fees in lieu of canned goods. Hahahahahaha. Just caught up on your posts- I birthed twins a few weeks ago so I’m a bit behind lol. But gawd I love your blog. It makes me throw my head back and cackle.

  • carlisle

    Dude, I used to tell people the only reason I was an alcoholic was to cover up my bulimia. Which wasn’t COMPLETELY true, but…kinda a little bit.