Alright, Caillou, you inexplicably bald child with the worst voice in the history of mankind, we need to talk.

But first, seriously, why are you bald? Are you 18 months old? No, no you’re not, you’re a preschooler. SO WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR HAIR? My kids are whiter than Christmas, and a couple of them were bald for a really long time, but by the time they were going to “play school,” even they at least had a respectable mullet.

Speaking of play school, what the fuck is “play school” and why can’t you call it “preschool” or “day care” like the rest of the world?

But really, that’s the least of our problems.

It’s clear to me you’re waging a war on the American people, running around households on the sly, disguised as some harmless cartoon when really you’re a small bald Satan with a diabolical plan.

I know what you’re doing. I see it. You’re trying to create a generation of entitled whiny-ass humans running around losing their shit because they want to go to the zoo NOW but they CAN’T because daddy has to work.

You won’t get away with it, little man, because some of us see through you. We know what you are.

Your voice alone should earn you permanent banishment from the gaze of innocent children: “I want to play with Leo NOW!”

“Rosie, this is MY GAME!!!”

“But I don’t want to go to play school, mommy!!!”

Look bitch. You’re going to play school.

NOW STOP TALKING.

Clementine and Leo hate you because you’re an asshole.

When Leo had a broken toe, what did you do? You whined because you wanted him to play with you NOW! Have you no consideration for the wounded? Have you no heart? Why don’t you just be grateful that your toe is INTACT and shut the hell up?

We already know the answer. Because you’re evil.

And Clementine. She sang the same song you wanted to sing at play school – I believe it was “Old MacDonald” – and you flipped your cookie as if the world had just ended, like you own that song, like the whole world is against small hairless humans. You know what? Despite the soothing tones of your teacher Julie (seriously what is she smoking because I WANT SOME) and the drivel exiting “grandma’s” mouth: nobody gives a shit.

Now, or ever.

Pick a different song you self-obsessed little monster.

“I CAN’T. IT’S TOO HARD!!!” Really, Caillou? When have you ever ONCE not been able to do something with those obviously twisted parents at your beck and call ALL DAY LONG, supporting your horrible (baby? Toddler? Kid?) antics with their nauseating proclamations of joy: “Good job, Caillou!”

They don’t mean it. You’re a horrible child.

You never get better. You never even vaguely improve. You just whine and whine and whine and fucking WHINE until something changes, and then you smile and get all happy when you get your way. So what’s the message to the young people: If you whine long enough, you’ll get your way! Leo will come to play!

Not in my house you little fucker.

Leo’s never comin’ over.

You keep saying “I’m doing it, if I practice, if I TRY” but then you never actually try anything. You just stand there and squeal for mommy or daddy or grandpa until they come and save you.

So you’re a liar. You’re a whiner and a liar.

Not to mention a manipulator. Take Rosie for example. You’re a big brother and as such you should at least PRETEND to have some patience for her, since she’s a baby. But you don’t. You don’t care. You just get in her face and bleat until you get your way: “May I have the bell for our scavenger hunt? Rosie, come onnnnnnn!”

Someday, Rosie’s gonna kick your ass.

And all of America is gonna watch it.

On another note, your rock-and-roll band sucks. “Caillou’s Rock and Roll Band” bites. It’s like the worst band in the world. Your animal noises and impersonations are equally bad. I’ve never ONCE thought you were an actual zebra.

So there.

Clearly your “mommy” and “daddy” aren’t going to tell you the truth, so I will: You’re something of a douchebag and you almost ruined my toddler.

One day she looked at me and said “But I want YOU to play with me, MOMMY!!!!”

And she had that lilt.

And she had that whiiiinnnnnnneeeee.

And she had entitlement seeping out of every pore.

And she called me “mommy,” which is banned in our house.

I knew what had to be done.

Two hours later, when she demanded she watch Caillou, I looked at her very seriously and said “I’m sorry, honey, but Caillou is dead.”

We buried him.

In the backyard.

With all the other horrible cartoon children trying to destroy America’s youth.

Clearly, when we see the words “FTM Friday,” we need to think of them sort of metaphorically, you know, loosely, so when we see FTM Friday on Saturday  morning, we won’t be surprised, and we’ll just roll with it rather than think to ourselves “Janelle really should change the title of this gig.”

Or we can say to ourselves “There’s Janelle, refusing to obey the man! Defying all rules! Raging against the machine!”

Or, we’ll realize she was studying all day yesterday and lost track of time while simultaneously forgetting it was Friday and couldn’t bring herself to do it at 11pm, when the opportunity finally presented itself.

You choose.

Anyway, this week we’re making peppermint lip balm. If the body scrubs didn’t make you feel like a badass, making this WILL.

It is exactly, and I MEAN EXACTLY, like Burt’s Bees (only without the damn honey (more on that later)) or whatever the hell other $5.00 lip balm you’ve been purchasing at your local granola shop. It’s so easy. You’re gonna trip.

But you are going to need beeswax, which I doubt you’ll have lying around, so you may have to do a little work. You can buy beeswax in two forms: chunks or “pastilles” (little pieces). If you choose the chunks of beeswax, you’ll have to grate them. So duh. We’re going with pastilles.

This brings me to the topic of where to buy ingredients and lip balm containers. I offer you this list, with brief pros and cons.

Mountain Rose Herbs

• Pros: has everything you need to make anything (carrier oils, waxes, butters, containers, oils); gorgeous, natural/organic selections (If you buy something from Mountain Rose, you KNOW you’re getting quality)

• Cons: a little more expensive than other places; high shipping costs; kind of a long shipment times

Bulk Apothecary

• Pros: rapid shipping; HANDS DOWN the cheapest coconut oil, shea butter, carrier oils I’ve found anywhere (and they sell containers), even when you factor in the ridiculous shipping costs (for example: with shipping, 8 POUNDS of coconut oil was around $30.00). That’s a shitload of coconut oil. That will last me months (cooking with it and making body products with it).

• Cons: Must order a lot (which takes organization) to justify the high shipping costs.

Amazon

• Pros: free shipping (if you have Prime); super fast
• Cons: It’s Amazon. You could get crap. However, I’ve tried to beeswax linked above (on the word Amazon) and it’s great, and I’ve bought essential oils there too, as you know.

Or, look for a local place.

I found Sunburst bottle, a wholesale container place in Sacramento with no minimum orders, and they let me pick up my orders. So I get low prices and no shipping cost (other than gas). In other words, SCORE. So get on Google and find your special place.

Okay, here we go.

The first time I made lip balm I tried this recipe from Soulemama and it was amazing. For like 2 weeks.

AND THEN IT WAS NOT AMAZING. A couple weeks after Christmas, after I had given everybody I know a tin of this, I discovered the one I kept for myself was suddenly sticky and disgusting. Turns out the honey separated from the rest and started squeezing out the sides of the tins, causing a honey-covered tin of joy in my purse.

Yeah, sorry about that.

So I’ll never use honey again. I tried to remedy it for like five minutes (people say you have to make sure the honey “dissolves,” but I waited like an hour and my shit never “dissolved,” so I moved on to balms without honey), which brings me to this: basically to make lip balm you need 1 part beeswax to 3 parts carrier oil (coconut, almond, olive, etc.). Then you can add pretty much whatever you want to that (cocoa butter, shea butter, mango butter, Vitamin E, lanolin, whatever!). If you make it and it’s too soft, add some beeswax. If it’s too hard, add more oil.

A recipe that works FOR SURE (I adapted this from Soulemama (linked above) and Mountain Rose Herbs:

Peppermint Lip Balm

1 Tablespoon (or so) beeswax pastilles

3 Tablespoons coconut oil or almond oil or some combination of both (I like 2T coconut and 1T almond)

5-10 drops peppermint essential oil (more or less)

Optional: 1 Tablespoon shea or cocoa butter

3 capsules Vitamin E oil (cut open capsules & squeeze into mixture)

Melt all these things together and pour them into your containers. Then you let them harden. Then you use them.

THEN YOU BLOW MINDS.

Some people will tell you to use a double-boiler to melt them, others tell you to use a Pyrex measuring cup, or rest a metal bowl over a pan boiling water (what I like to call “ghetto double-boiler”) and these methods work, but the best method I’ve found is an old jar in a pan of water over medium – because it works beautifully and you don’t have to clean it. I just reuse the same jar every time I make a salve or balm or whatever, and I use a funnel to get it into the small containers. It really is difficult to clean beeswax out of anything (a pan, measuring cup, etc.).

BEHOLD:

You could also just put all the ingredients in a glass container and microwave them til they’re melted, but I feel way cooler when I’m using the stove and stuff. Whatever. Don’t hate. I get it where I can.

SO YOU POUR:

AND YOU SPILL:

YOU WILL SPILL

You’ll see some big white containers as well as small lip balm ones, that’s because I like to keep a big one in my purse for lotion as well as balm. They’re used quickly.

Try it. Tell me what’s up.

I will get my act together, I promise. And by “promise,” I mean “vaguely hoping,” of course.

1. I haven’t written one of these “week in review” posts in so long I barely remember how to do it. Seriously it’s been like three weeks. Somehow I think you all have survived, though I, for one, have missed it. Where the hell else am I going to record the trivial events of my life and share misguided, slightly ridiculous musings?
2. So first I think we should address the elephant in the room. Oh yeah, that’s the one, that post I wrote that “got big,” or at least for me. The “dying to live” post. Check it out: before I wrote that post my busiest blog day was 2,500 visits. The day after I wrote that post, 35,000 people came to the blog, and in the days that followed 250,000 more came. TRIP OUT. Let me just say “welcome” to the new people. Thank you for sticking around. We’re glad to have you.
3. The good news is that the post brought a lot of new readers, the bad news is that post brought a whole shit load of crazies who called me all sorts of names all over the internet and accused me of being all sorts of things, including but not limited to: melodramatic, anti-feminist, anti-gay/male/adoptive parent, a whiner, etc., and I was feeling all weird and violated for a minute, like “DUDE. I just wrote about a FEELING. How can a FEELING be attacked?” And I wanted to crawl back into my safe hole with you people. But then I remembered that only about 5% of the feedback was negative, and most of the people who read it were like “thanks for saying it,” and that made me feel like maybe I was of some use to some women, and that’s an amazing feeling.
4. But isn’t it weird how a huge percentage of feedback can be positive, and yet your mind focuses on the negative?! More proof that my brain is unreliable, and quite possibly out to destroy me.
5. In other news, pretty much my whole house smells funky. It’s sort of this weird aroma not totally unlike vomit, though not quite there. Ask me what I’m doing about it.
6. In the last two weeks, my kids have had rotating illnesses – colds, norovirus, ear infections, yay! – but never on the same fucking day. One gets sick, then better, then it moves to the next one. They can’t all be sick on the same day. THAT WOULD BE TOO EASY.
7. On April 13 I’m taking the comprehensive exam for my Master’s program. It’s no big deal, I just have to somehow pull from the recesses of my already struggling brain sufficient information to write 3 essays in 6 hours based on pretty much any text since the beginning of English literature.
8. Okay I’m exaggerating a little. There’s actually a 2-page, single-spaced reading list that I must know. But there’s British literature on it. I don’t know British literature. I ONLY DO AMERICA DAMN IT. Fuck Keats. [I don’t mean that. Please don’t send me to hell, literary gods. I’m just frustrated. It’s not you. It’s me.]
9. In short, people, I’m terrified. I can’t fail this exam.
10. On a completely unrelated, actually happy vein, the other positive fallout from the “big blog post” is that I may have a couple opportunities to write for some online magazines, which means you’ll have more places to read me! Try to contain your excitement. No really. Do it. Stop pole dancing. OR DON’T.
11. Anyway at the risk of sounding sentimental, I really want to tell you readers, old and new, how much I appreciate you. I started this blog a couple years ago because I felt like an outsider in the mothering world, and I thought I was this weird island of ineptitude. That feeling has not vanished, because DUH I STILL HAVE KIDS, but at least now I know there’s a whole crap load of mothers just like me – struggling and loving and getting pissed and trying really hard not to destroy the whole gig. You and your brilliant comments, every one of which I read (even if I don’t always have the time to respond), make this ridiculous feat of mothering way, WAY better, and I mean it. I know that if I could hang out with most of you, and it would be like we’ve been friends forever.

Anyway, here’s some Instagrammed glory of our lives. These pics make my life look so hipster-cool-happy.

So please keep in mind while you look at these, MY HOUSE SMELLS LIKE VOMIT.

And I’m doing nothing about it.

Cheers!

We went on a trip and Rocket forgot socks and underwear, but remembered this stuffed dog.

It’s been sunny in California…like 77 degrees…

Don’t worry. It’ll rain this month.

my husband shaved off his beard but is growing a porn-star ‘stache. Yay.

still trying to train this lil bastard

dressing up, making period-appropriate faces…

Seriously, Keats. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

And how is that dimple so big?

Have a great week.

Janelle

Welcome to FTM Friday, and it’s actually posted ON FRIDAY. Somebody stop me. I’m obviously on fire.

Okay, body scrubs. The gateway drug. Let’s do this. (this is a very long post, because I’m talking about many things, so sorry.)

First I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I may have to turn in my DIY-wannabe-blogger card, but it’s worth it, for you guys.

You know why there are SO MANY RECIPES on the interweb for body products? And these brilliant bloggers seem to create recipes out of nowhere and they’re wonderful and gorgeous and you’re like “oh my god how do they come up with this shit and I’ll never be there and WHY EVEN TRY?”

Yeah. Lemmetellya something. The reason everybody is able to come up with recipes is because it doesn’t really matter what you put into these recipes, they pretty much always turn out.

With the exception of a fatal lip balm experiment, which we’ll discuss next Friday, and a few subpar (from an olfactory perspective) essential oil blends, I pretty much just throw shit together at random and somehow end up with something that impresses people. Too bad life isn’t more like that.

For example, body scrubs. Here’s the deal. You base them in sugar or salt. And you can use any freaking kind of sugar or salt. You’ll see recipes call for “raw organic turbinado sugar” or “pink Himalayan salts” or “coarse kosher salt,” but I’ve used all of the above and more and found that all of them work. The only difference between turbinado sugar and plain old white sugar is that the turbinado is coarse, and consequently a little rougher on the skin. Also you may need to add more or less oil depending on the type of sugar or salt you use. But mostly it’s all a matter of preference, not success.

Ya feel me?

And so you take your sugar or salt (and some have said they find salt drying, so again, it’s just preference) and you add what they call a “carrier oil” (look, I told you I was going to start from the beginning). Again, recipes will say “grapeseed” or “almond” or “olive” or “sunflower,” but the fact is you can use one of these or all of these (blend!) and the results are lovely. As you use the oils you find you like some more than others. For example, I made a scrub with sunflower oil and really didn’t like it. I found it too oily and filmy for me, but since I have a bottle I dilute it with grapeseed or olive. Also, olive oil has more odor than other oils, plus a color, which I don’t love in every scrub I make, so if I had to choose one oil as my favorite (in color, scent, price, and feel on my skin), I’d have to go with grapeseed. They sell it at Walmart for cheap. Horrors! Did she say “Walmart?” I know, I know. But sometimes, one must serve the devil.

You add enough oil to the sugar or salt that the mixture sticks together but isn’t dripping oil. Or maybe you like more oil; that’s cool too. Your call. But you don’t want the mixture not sticking together at all, because, well, it might be a little annoying to have to reach in the container 179 times to gather enough scrub to wash your body.

Then you add essential oil(s), in whatever blends you like. If you’re starting out, just buy peppermint and lavender. Then if you want to branch out, maybe buy rosemary and bergamot. If you want a little “starter kit” type thing, I can suggest this on Amazon. It’s $20.00 for 6 oils, and I’ve been happy with the quality. But I’m not a professional, so you’ve got to take everything I say with a grain of salt. Basically, if it smells good, I’m happy with it. Not very deep.

If you’re interested in essential oil blends and uses, I’ve found this website to be pretty useful, not to buy oils (they’re really expensive on that site), but rather to read about them. At the bottom of the page for each oil, there’s a list of complementary oils.

And so you’ll notice these recipes are vague. That’s because you can’t mess them up and I mean it. Well, if you dump 3 cups of oil into a cup of salt, you aren’t going to have a scrub, so…short of the cap falling off while you’re pouring, I promise you’re going to like what you get. So here are three of my favorites. After the recipes, we’ll talk for a minute about containers and “presentation.” Try not to get too excited.

The bottom two scrubs have been adapted from the following blogs: Local Kitchen and Coordinately Yours. I have no idea where the first one came from. Probably a fusion of fifty recipes. But it’s nice.

Peppermint Sugar Scrub

1 cup turbinado sugar

1 cup white sugar

(or 2 cups turbinado or white sugar)

3/4 – 1 cup carrier oil

5 – 10 drops peppermint essential oil

Optional: spoonful or 2 of honey (nice on the skin, holds scrub together nicely)

 Put all this stuff in a bowl, stir it up. Boom. Body scrub.

**********

Lavender Mint Scrub

1 cup sugar or salt

½ – ¾ cup oil

10-15 drops lavender

3-5 drops peppermint

½ teaspoon or so of lavender flowers

 Put in bowl, stir, the end. You can also just make a wonderful lavender scrub by leaving the mint out. Plain lavender is one of my favorites.

*************

Rosemary Mint Body Scrub

1 cup sugar or salt

½ – ¾ cup oil

10-15 drops rosemary

3-5 drops peppermint

½ teaspoon (or so) of dried rosemary

You know the rest.

**********

Here are a couple Instagrammed photos of these scrubs. I like to use Instagram to mask the fact that I have no photography-related talent.

lavender mint body scrub

peppermint scrub, trying to show consistency

the lavender and rosemary scrubs together make an amazing gift

And now, containers. The easiest and cutest and cheapest ones I’ve found are jars. Mason jars, jam jars, whatever. I just save all the jars we use that seem like the right size. Now, some of you safety minded people are going to say um, glass in the SHOWER? To which I answer: “Yes.”

We will just hope the recipients of these gifts put them on the floor of the shower as opposed to up high (as I did in my shower, until one of them fell off its perch, nailed me in the shin and somehow didn’t break, but gave me the epiphany that perhaps GLASS was a BAD thing to set high in the shower).

You think I make this shit up, but I don’t. I’m really that sad.

But check it out: here’s how you’re going to get containers to accommodate your new body product obsession. You are going to drag your screaming offspring into every thrift and second hand store you know, and you’re going to waltz over to the glass section like you own the place, and you’re going to find craploads of containers that will work beautifully: swing-top jars that sell for $6.00 a piece at World Market (for .50), Mason jars, jam jars, hexagon jars, square jars. For cheap, baby. Cheap.

But what about the lids, you say? Ah, yeah. We’ll get to that in a moment.

After you’ve cleaned the place out of the jar collection, you’re going to walk over to the weird ass housewares section (where they chuck all the things) and you’re going to look for small, gift-sized baskets. And you’re going to buy those too. And after that, even though your children are even WORSE than before, and you’re 90% sure you’d rather die than remain the store, you’re going to walk over to the textiles section, and you’re going to buy cloth napkins that aren’t super stained. And then you can leave.

But you have to go to Target or Walmart or some local hardware store (if it has a baking section) and you will buy Mason jars “lids and bands” (here they are on Amazon), and you’re going to flip out cause check this out: pretty much all jars use the same damn lid. Boom. FTM. They are either “regular” or “wide mouth,” and that’s pretty much it. (For obvious reasons, I prefer “wide mouth.”) If you’re a lazy ass like me, and it irritates you that there are two pieces to the jar, you can super glue them together before using them. So much for chemical-free. Ha.

While buying those lids, you will also buy baker’s twine (sold in the same section as lids usually) or raffia. Also, you might want to buy this large funnel thing (in the jar section). It’s ridiculously helpful. Getting these scrubs into the jars is more annoying than you might think.

Please note the laundry pile in the background. That’s what I should be doing, but I’m NOT, because I’m making body scrubs.

Now you’re ready to make this:

The tag is a paper bag (I got that idea from somewhere but for the life of me I can’t remember where). I’m serious. NONE of this is my own idea. I have no ideas when it comes to this stuff.

And if it’s a gift for somebody you can make this, which I stole from A Sonoma Garden (along with the thrift-store-ransacking for napkins and containers and baskets).

So you make these scrubs and you wrap twine or raffia and add a tag and stick ‘em in a basket with a napkin and you give them to your friend, for her birthday or new baby or get well or whatevs.

And you feel like a badass crafty crunchy goddess, which is, of course, everybody’s goal, right?

NOW GO. DO IT.

(And tell me how it goes.)