Caillou’s Plan to Ruin America

by Janelle Hanchett

Alright, Caillou, you inexplicably bald child with the worst voice in the history of mankind, we need to talk.

But first, seriously, why are you bald? Are you 18 months old? No, no you’re not, you’re a preschooler. SO WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR HAIR? My kids are whiter than Christmas, and a couple of them were bald for a really long time, but by the time they were going to “play school,” even they at least had a respectable mullet.

Speaking of play school, what the fuck is “play school” and why can’t you call it “preschool” or “day care” like the rest of the world?

But really, that’s the least of our problems.

It’s clear to me you’re waging a war on the American people, running around households on the sly, disguised as some harmless cartoon when really you’re a small bald Satan with a diabolical plan.

I know what you’re doing. I see it. You’re trying to create a generation of entitled whiny-ass humans running around losing their shit because they want to go to the zoo NOW but they CAN’T because daddy has to work.

You won’t get away with it, little man, because some of us see through you. We know what you are.

Your voice alone should earn you permanent banishment from the gaze of innocent children: “I want to play with Leo NOW!”

“Rosie, this is MY GAME!!!”

“But I don’t want to go to play school, mommy!!!”

Look bitch. You’re going to play school.


Clementine and Leo hate you because you’re an asshole.

When Leo had a broken toe, what did you do? You whined because you wanted him to play with you NOW! Have you no consideration for the wounded? Have you no heart? Why don’t you just be grateful that your toe is INTACT and shut the hell up?

We already know the answer. Because you’re evil.

And Clementine. She sang the same song you wanted to sing at play school – I believe it was “Old MacDonald” – and you flipped your cookie as if the world had just ended, like you own that song, like the whole world is against small hairless humans. You know what? Despite the soothing tones of your teacher Julie (seriously what is she smoking because I WANT SOME) and the drivel exiting “grandma’s” mouth: nobody gives a shit.

Now, or ever.

Pick a different song you self-obsessed little monster.

“I CAN’T. IT’S TOO HARD!!!” Really, Caillou? When have you ever ONCE not been able to do something with those obviously twisted parents at your beck and call ALL DAY LONG, supporting your horrible (baby? Toddler? Kid?) antics with their nauseating proclamations of joy: “Good job, Caillou!”

They don’t mean it. You’re a horrible child.

You never get better. You never even vaguely improve. You just whine and whine and whine and fucking WHINE until something changes, and then you smile and get all happy when you get your way. So what’s the message to the young people: If you whine long enough, you’ll get your way! Leo will come to play!

Not in my house you little fucker.

Leo’s never comin’ over.

You keep saying “I’m doing it, if I practice, if I TRY” but then you never actually try anything. You just stand there and squeal for mommy or daddy or grandpa until they come and save you.

So you’re a liar. You’re a whiner and a liar.

Not to mention a manipulator. Take Rosie for example. You’re a big brother and as such you should at least PRETEND to have some patience for her, since she’s a baby. But you don’t. You don’t care. You just get in her face and bleat until you get your way: “May I have the bell for our scavenger hunt? Rosie, come onnnnnnn!”

Someday, Rosie’s gonna kick your ass.

And all of America is gonna watch it.

On another note, your rock-and-roll band sucks. “Caillou’s Rock and Roll Band” bites. It’s like the worst band in the world. Your animal noises and impersonations are equally bad. I’ve never ONCE thought you were an actual zebra.

So there.

Clearly your “mommy” and “daddy” aren’t going to tell you the truth, so I will: You’re something of a douchebag and you almost ruined my toddler.

One day she looked at me and said “But I want YOU to play with me, MOMMY!!!!”

And she had that lilt.

And she had that whiiiinnnnnnneeeee.

And she had entitlement seeping out of every pore.

And she called me “mommy,” which is banned in our house.

I knew what had to be done.

Two hours later, when she demanded she watch Caillou, I looked at her very seriously and said “I’m sorry, honey, but Caillou is dead.”

We buried him.

In the backyard.

With all the other horrible cartoon children trying to destroy America’s youth.

  • Greta

    Love this.

    • Brennaj

      Um, that should have said “leSbian”. Not that I have a problem with lesbian couples but just be frickin’ honest about what you’re showing the kids here and stop calling the one parent “Daddy”! They’re both MOMMY

    • Caitlin

      I love everything about this article except for the parts where your insulting him because he has no hair. Do you know how the show Caillou got invented?? It was inspired by a real little boy named Caillou who had leukemia.

      • renegademama

        I have done a decent amount of research on this and nothing I find other than random comments on the internet say that he was based on a child with cancer. The official PBS page actually answers the question “Why is Caillou bald?” with these words: “Caillou’s character is based on a much younger character featured in illustrated children’s books published before the television series was created. Generally, for children, Caillou is a larger than life image of a preschooler. The fact that he is bald does not seem to bother preschoolers in the least. Not only do they never mention it, but when asked to think about why Caillou has no hair, our focus groups just laughed and replied: “He just doesn’t have any hair!” — (

        I even looked at the publisher’s of the BOOK Caillou and it said the original Caillou was a 9-month old baby. Here’s the publisher’s page:

        So unless PBS and the publisher are lying, the cancer theory is inaccurate. If you can find something stating otherwise I’d be glad to see it, because indeed, that would be pretty fucked up. Further, it was created by some child psychologists. I seriously doubt they were “inspired” by a child with leukemia — everything I’ve read said they created a kid/baby that other kids would relate to. I think the cancer thing is an internet invention.

        • Chantal

          I confirm, Caillou was a baby in the book version, here in Québec, where he was first created. That´s why he was bald and whinning. Now he’s a monster and my kids will never hear of him, i’ll make sure of that!

          • Tanner

            Caillou is a French term referring to small, smooth rocks. He’s bald and smooth, like a rock.

            • CA_Momma

              Yes, it is the French word closest to pebble, wouldn’t you agree?

        • christina

          Ok the book/character may not be based on a child with leukemia but there could be a very good medial reason as to why he has no hair its call alopecia is a condition where people are born without hair or very little hair and hears the bigger question who cares? My 3 yr old just got into watching Caillou and I actually encourage him watching it. A) he does not get a sense of entitlement because I have since the time he could somewhat understand do not give him what he wants when he wants it B) my son has a slightly whiny voice because he is speech delayed he is able to connect with the show so I say if he wants to watch this show fine by me. Also he calls it play school because that is what the creator called it like I still to this day and I am in my 30’s say that I went to Nursery School but it was daycare watch any other cartoon and they don’t call it daycare and typically don’t call it preschool they call it by what ever the creator wants it to be like Peppa pig and her play group

          • bobby messinger

            Ok, I completely understand your point of view for your child, but when it comes down to the greater audience, the fact that they don’t go to any lengths whatsoever to explain it allows us to reflect on it, make comments, and seriously, it’s great that your kid connects with it. That being said, other children are obviously learning some pretty horrible habits. Obviously, it’s not as much of an issue that he’s bald with an extremely whiny voice. And not all children well follow suit. But emulation is what children do, so if you want to perpetuate traits and nurture characteristics and learned behaviors that are associated with a character, you plop them down in front of the television and walk away. If instead you want them to learn more from the experience, you watch out with them and ask them questions and give opinions. And if you see enough negative behavior surrounding a character (which again, obviously people do) you remove your little one from the environment in goes that the damage isn’t permanent.

          • sammi

            Is there a medical explanation for being a whiny little jerk? Because even “sick” kids can grasp that two letter word “no” by the age of Caillou. He encourages bad behavior for sure.My daughter is too old for his show but my niece tries to emulate his misbehavior. This aunty is fine with putting on ANYTHING else at this point.And in doing so have opened her up to several other shows that will benefit her more in grasping social skills.Being whiny and bossy only works if you have rich parents

          • Danielle

            Your child is speech delayed? In speech therapy? My son was delayed as well, and my therapist encouraged me to not let him watch Caillou as it wouldn’t help teach proper pronunciation. Julius Jr. is another one that can aide in pronunciation difficulties. Just curious, does your child sound like Caillou? Because like this article, it didn’t take very long at all before I saw my son mimicking him.

          • lisa

            @christina “there could be a medical reason he has no hair”???? Its a cartoon character!!!! The brattiest, whiniest, spoiled character EVER. There was no medical reason…other than they decided he didn’t look right.

          • Danielle Barnsley-Cervo

            HOLY FUCK. IT’S A CARTOON. Calm your tits and find another crusade because OMG. You are on the Internet, whining about the injustices a cartoon character is facing over a blog post.

            Get off the internet. Back away, slowly.
            And don’t turn on Caillou.

          • Beatrice

            Um, Christina, u are what people like me would call an idiot

            • Anonymous

              One: you*

              Two: I honestly agree that Caillou is literally terrible. The voice alone makes me want to drink bleach. Seriously, it’s fucked up. I’m sorry to all you Caillou lovers, but this has affected me greatly.

              I remember babysitting my cousins and one of them walked up to me, and asked if he can play outside, whine and everything. I asked him “Where did you get that whine and stuff?”. He told me “I got it from Caillou”. Now, I never even heard of it before then, but I checked the TV, and sure enough, Caillou was on. So, I ended up watching 3 episodes before getting pissed off, and I ended up telling my aunt, who had actually banned Caillou from the house, and hoo boy it was BAD. He didn’t get it easy, as my aunt believed Caillou was SATAN’S son.

              Overall, I had three things to say about this.

              One: It does affect many infants and toddlers to make them whiny as SHIT.

              Two: It pisses me off that PBS is broadcasting this shit.

              Three: They need to stop. As Filthy Frank has said, “It’s time to stop! NOW!”

              Thank you for reading this.

        • Trish

          May I ask why you say the word “mommy” is banned in your house? Just curious, seemed odd to hear someone say that. My 20 yr old daughter still calls me mommy from time to time…lol

        • Zeke2p9

          All praise,i,m a big brother that’s 10 so i need to know this in any form. so thank you mam.

      • Sarah

        This perfectly captured my feelings for this show and how it has ruined my toddlers. To those of you that think someone is being cruel to a child with cancer, that’s now become somewhat of an urban legend. He does not have any illness beyond whiny-itis. My understanding based on my own need to find a redeeming quality for this kid and why he’s over indulged is that the character is based on a book in which Caillou is a baby. Yeah so of course it makes sense to make this 4 year old bald for consistency?!?

      • Mesia

        Actually, no it wasn’t. The two creators, child psychiatrists, said they made him bald so that kids could imagine themselves and not feel excluded. I guess he is supposed to be kind of an Everykid, but fuck if I’d let my kid watch this show, much less act like that annoying little bald bastard.

      • Samantha Bowles

        The internet is your best friend. Go to the Publishing website, Chouette Publishing, the company created by the author/publisher of Caillou books themselves and television show. All the answers you have for the show are right here. You’re welcome…

      • Danielle click in the question and answer link it tells you where his name came from also.

  • Amber

    This is hysterical because my 3 year old has gotten really whiney and I literally told my husband yesterday that he’s not allowed to watch Caillou anymore for the same reasons you mentioned. He watches it before bed every night and I want to strangle myself. Thank you for this. No more Caillou.

  • Jenny

    THANK YOU!!! Yes, finally someone put into words what I have been thinking. How is this little bratty kid what we want our children to model. I have forwarded this post to several of my families, hoping that they get the hint and stop letting their children watch that HORRIBLE show!
    Thank you for always making me smile 🙂
    Miss Jenny

  • Marisa

    Caillou’s whiny voice is like nails on a chalk board. We do not watch this in our house! Thank you!!!

  • Tracy S

    HAHAHAHA!!! Finally, someone who loathes that annoying character. All whiny kids’ show characters drive me batty. Thankfully, Caillou had a relatively short shelf life with both my kids.

    I’m expecting my 3rd, and I think we’ll just have to have an all out ban on Caillou.

  • Janine K

    Haven’t watched this one, but now I’m curious! Sounds horrid, but most modern cartoons do :/ teaching kids to be little brats o.0 why do we let them watch this crap!! I wish the husband and I were on the same page because the TV would be out the door!

  • GG

    Yep, I accidentally watched this once while babysitting. The voice alone…. I cannot stand that kid!!!!

  • Sara

    Just be glad you don’t have to watch it in French at work! I work at the Montreal children’s hospital and we have all the DVDs. Imagine coming home only to have the theme song in your head on repeat. His voice is even more irritating en français!

  • MerriMayhem

    ROFLMAO… I almost peed myself. I loathed Caillou when my 15 year old was a toddler and watched his whiny ass. My little one has never, and will never, see that tiny hairless whiny bully.

  • Mehereen

    There should be an acronym for moms… Laughed out loud and then I peed a little…..LOLATIPAL…u think it will catch on;)

  • Danie'

    So funny! It had to be made by a mom who hated her kids, she made an annoying little kids show to teach all kids to be equally annoying….that way everyone would hate kids and stop having them lol. Then she’d win.

  • jessica

    “I’m sorry, honey, but Caillou is dead”
    I said the same thing about SpongeBob last year. I tried my best to avoid it but, y know, it happens.

    • J-dizzle

      Ughhh….watching Spongebob should be punishment for shoplifting and kicking puppies!!

      • jessica

        For real

  • Stacey

    I feel lucky that I was forewarned about this show, and so neither I nor my kids have seen it. I have to admit I’m curious, but not curious enough to watch it. It seems like anyone who knows about it hates it, though, which makes me wonder how it’s still on the air.

    • jessica

      I hopped onto YouTube after reading this post and now I wish I wouldn’t have. My word of advice would be to just keep on keeping on and forget about it 🙂

  • Tracey aka KidLit!

    We first met Caillou in 2003. His voice grated on my nerves, but I was a first time mom, and the puppets were sooo cute!!! Then my sweet child started to whine “Mooommmmeeeeee!” And her answer to everything was “I don’t want to!!” It was then the still in affect BAN on anyhing Caillou was created.

  • Casi Layne

    Caillou was also punished to death in our home. It had to be done.

  • J-dizzle

    You are a horrible person…I can’t believe you would say those things abou…..bahahaha just kiddin’….Caillou is a dick! What kind of a name is Caillou anyway? Pffttt…such a dick name!

    • Desiree

      This had me whisper-snort-laughing because I’m having my me time and I don’t want to wake anyone up because they’ll start wanting me to do stuff for them.

      But Caillou freaked me out with his freakishly round bald head and that alone made him/it banned in our house. This post just made me glad I pre-emptively did it, before my kid caught on.

      Now if I could have done the same for Yo Gabba Gabba. I have nightmares about those damn things.

    • Momtothree

      A little culture here … caillou means pebble or stone in French. If someone is bald, they say “il n’a pas un cheveu sur le caillou” (he doesn’t have a hair on his head). So much for the etimology. I live in France, but mercifully, I don’t know this show. Perhaps it was considered suitable for export only, lol. Our main nightmare is manga imports. Dragonball Z gives me nightmares. It’s banned in our house now …

  • Kelli

    YES. I have always hated this show for ALL of these reasons!! Psh… Hubs and I have actually gone so far as to not subscribe to satellite or cable just so our Little won’t be exposed to the sad excuses for entertainment these days. We have mountains of DVD’s for her instead. Of the good old shows like Mr. Rodger’s and Sesame Street. Shows that actually TAUGHT your kids things instead of being a whiny brat.

  • Dawn Pedersen

    I never saw Calliou and never hope to. According to reserach cited by the book Nurture Shock, “educational cartoons” are modelling really bad behavior instead of good behavior, and its showing up in our kids.

    “Ithaca conducted a follow up study to review 470 half-hour television programs commonly watched by children, and recorded every time a character insulted someone or put someone down.

    “Ninety-six percent of all children’s programming includes verbal insults, and of the 2,628 put-downs identified, only 50 circumstances featured some sort of reprimand or correction — and not once in an educational show. ‘Fully 84 percent of the time there was only laughter or no response at all,’ found Dr. Cynthia Scheibe.

    “‘The more kids watched, the crueler they’d be to their classmates,’ Ostorov reported from the Minnesota study. ‘The correlation was 2.5 times higher than the correlation between violent media and physical aggression. They were increasingly bossy, controlling, and manipulative, and it was stronger than the connection between violent media and physical aggression.'”

    That’s why I’m proud my kid watches classic Looney Tunes, explosions and all. Those cartoons helped me grow into a compassionate, non-entitled, non-violent adult.

  • Stephanie

    Clementine and Leo hate you because you’re an asshole.


  • Erika

    Calliou was banned a LONG time ago in my house! I couldn’t figure out why my then 3 year old would be a terror after watching – then I realized…Calliou. Things have been so much better since his banishment. He is so awful – who likes Calliou? Anyone???

  • dixiebelle

    Hilarious and spot on as always. You should start your own cartoon, well, comins strip at least… it could feature your FTM mascot.

    • dixiebelle

      Comic strip, fuck it.

  • Teri

    i frikken love this! never liked that kid…. “Not in my house you little fucker.” lolatipal

  • bonnie

    I have never heard of Caillou. Where the heck is he from with a name like that? And why is “mommy” a no-no?

  • Catherine

    My first kid didn’t need a haircut until he was 2 1/2.
    I have never seen Caillou. Sounds awful.
    But there is an absolute Dora BAN in my house- ban extends to both grandma’s houses too.
    We only have YouTube for cartoons in our house, and once I let him watch a Thomas the Train/ Biggie mashup. Oops, shoulda had my coffee first that day.

  • Sarah

    We don’t watch that one at my house either; it’s right up there with “Hello Kitty” in my book. We sick to Blue’s Clues (the first seasons, before the clues start talking and explaining themselves) and Busytown Mysteries around here. My daughter got a Doc McStuffins DVD and it isn’t half bad. The biggest side effect from that one is my four year old wandering around the house trying to give everyone “check-ups.” LOL

  • JessMess

    Calliou and Barney are NOT ALLOWED in our house.

    • Tracy

      Oh God I HATE Barney!!! When I was pg with my almost 3 year old I told my hubby that Barney would be banned in our house & is dead. My daughter accidentally saw him one day & fell in love. Shoot me now!

  • Amanda

    Caillou was banned in my home pretty quickly after the first “but I don’t want to, mommy”. That shit don’t fly in my house. They try to watch it once in awhile when I’m not paying attention but I tell my two straight up that Caillou’s behavior is unacceptable and annoying.

  • Brennetta

    Was disappointed you didn’t rip on his lebian mommy and “daddy” more. Write another one about them and their pot farm. Why does mommy wear an Olive Oyl shirt all the time? I don’t know any grown woman who wears a red hairband everyday who isn’t “special”. Why can’t daddy get a haircut so he looks more manly or at least comb it once in a while! I could go on, but my kid wants me to play with him NOW

  • Julie

    Amen, sister. That’s all I can say. We despise Caillou!! He’s a scary bald douche.

  • Kat

    I hate Caillou with a fiery passion I reserve for few things. It’s the whine that really gets me. Ugh.

  • Allison

    I remember the first time I watched a commercial depicting the next caillou episode. At first I thought to myself, wow they are making a kid appropriate show illustrating the life of a child who has cancer.

    That turned out to be wrong….so so wrong.

    I concur that Caillou is a little bitch/dick/punk/fucker…what have you…and I have also come to the conclusion, after watching a few episodes with my kids (pre caillou ban)that his dad is a closet homosexual. So I think it’s fair to say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

    • Amy

      I thought he had cancer as well, but then they never mentioned it in the show so was thinking maybe that disease where your hair falls out but they never mentioned that either. LOVE this post!!!!

    • Caren

      I used to pretend Caillou had cancer, and that’s why he was so spoiled. His mommy’s little tummy was actually a baby bump in hopes of getting a marrow match.

      I watched it obsessively to see if his parents or grandparents ever said “no”. Not once, except to say something like, “no, I want to play with you NOW.”

    • Sean

      I absolutely LOST IT at the “closet homosexual” part, not that I laugh at people for being gay or anything like that. But, that part was just hilarious!

  • Sarah

    I could have written this exact post, but mine would have been about that little shit on Fairly Odd Parents. THAT is one hell of a douchebag kid. Show is banned in my house!

    Caillou’s parents are SAINTS. I want some of that happy sauce too!

  • sarah

    hahaha YES i hate this little bastard! a kid i used to nanny for loved him but his parents and i would never let him watch it. we called him cryou.

    • P

      Caillou means crying in French!!!!!!

  • Kelly

    Every single Caillou quote was read in my head using his whining little Caillou voice. I thank you for killing him and burying him in your backyard, but I may have to re-think following your blog due to Caillou voice in my head.

  • Meagan

    My hatred of him, and my kids love and adoration of him made me google him for what I can’t remember but came across many hate posts, the greatest was one that said his parents were brother and sister because there is only one set of grandparents and they look exact alike, and I think their names are Doris and Boris, bwahahaha
    And I put the kibosh on him when my kid told Santa she couldn’t find her dinosaur rexy , which is exactly what that kid told Santa too, and then she wanted me to sing to her at bedtime the songs his mother sings to him, barf

  • C Smith

    I could bitch all day about kid shows that I hate, but that would only make it clear that I HAVE NO LIFE beyond toddlerville here. So I will only say that Caillou makes the top 10, along with Ruby Gloom (Goth training for kids), and Max and Ruby (where the hell are their parents?).

  • Melanie

    Caillou is not allowed in our house.

  • Heather

    Caillou I believe is Canadian, which would explain the name and the ‘play school’. But still, hate the show. My son watched it a couple times and got bored, lucky me. 😛

  • Meghen

    Soooo glad I’m not alone on this. Like several others, I wonder how he’s still on tv.

  • Leah

    I am 17 now, and my parents didn’t let me or my little brother watch much TV at all when we were very young (Playmobil, Legos, and books ftw!) but when I was maybe 5, I got to watch a little bit….and Caillou turned me off TV. Even when I was his age (older..? How old is he supposed to be again?) I couldn’t stand him- for all these reasons! I thought he was annoying and whiny and mean. And his parents and that freaky puppet cat were irritating too.

    • Brittany

      He should be 19 but he has been 4 for 15 years lol

  • Elena

    Caillou is banned from our house. Lil Miss started crossing her arms and saying “No I don’t want to.” That was the end of it. We told her Caillou taught her bad things and now when she happens to see it on tv she comes running to us saying “Caillou is on quick turn it off.”

  • jill (mrs chaos)

    I can’t handle Caillou. At all.
    Luckily my kids are way past the Caillou age, but damn. Seriously.

  • AC

    Thank you. I have never understood the appeal of this kid. My children watched it exactly once and after all the whining and crappy sibling behavior it’s been banned. Now, it’s time to take on Olivia — she is so disrespectful!

  • Helsbells

    Oh my, I had never heard of Caillous so I looked on youtube, I wish I hadn’t 🙁

  • Cassie

    This might be my favorite post of All time! not sure what that says about me(probavly that im awesome)! I’m reading your backlogs.and so enjoying everything you are writing. Well done! Now down with caillou! Not allowed in my house anymore by the way. So much happier without that bald little jerk face.
    Oh and why does his Dad wear a sweater no matter the weather but Caillou is always in a tee shirt and shorts? Like its -2 in Canada and Caillou is walking around like its August in Arizona. I don’t understand sooo much about that show and its writers! Why are they punishing us as parents. We’re just here trying to get by and they are purposefully making it hard for us!
    Wow! I’m apparently wayyy too passionate on the whole Caillou issue. Pent up cartoon rage!

  • Brigette

    OMG I seriously fucking hate Caillou… my kids never whined until they saw an fing Caillou marathon… my husband and I taunt each other with Caillouness… ugh…. WORST CARTOON EVER…. this is perfect and spot on… on numerous occasions we have delved into the I want to punch him in the face (we’re a no spanking no yelling household) we’ve also digressed to yelling at the screen… Bain of my existence… I’m trying to think of other kids shows that rival this… and really… I think Calliou is the worst… but we love Kipper 🙂 This made my day!!!

  • jeannett

    I died reading this.
    Mainly because I feel the same way.
    Caillou is no longer allowed. EVER. Drives me batty. I wrote a post about it a while back too.
    But yours is better.
    Because it cusses.

  • Skye

    Dude….what the actual fuck.
    It….damn. It’s a kid’s show.
    Damn. If you can’t control your whiney kid, lol that’s on YOU.

  • pattisue

    ugh and don’t even get me started on the caillou Christmas movie they play 927 times. Christmas is not coming for you this year caillou!

  • Jen

    F’ing hilarious. My husband I and were crying laughing from this. Thank you.

  • Jenn H

    Does anyone remember “Rugrats?” I thought it COULD NOT get worse, until I saw that little French Canadian dickhead. Actually, it’s a tie between Caillou and Barney because I can’t decide who should get punched in the throat first. Fortunately, my kid has no use for Barney – but he LOVES Caillou! What?!? It’s the only disappointment he’s ever given me in his whole two years of life.

    • Sarah

      My daughter is the same way. Hates Barney loves Caillou and throws a fit if I don’t let her watch him.. I think it’s time to feed him to the pigs..

  • Sarah Mercado

    HILARIOUS! I was crying reading this!

  • Sydnee

    So this is why my kid is being so whiny? Oh hell no!!!! Cailou is hereby dead to us. I’m deleting every recording of his little ass and I’m dumping those damn dvd’s she wanted.

  • Emily, Mom of Independents

    Caillou is a whiny bitch. Yep, this is what my then three year old said. In public. In a library. To a Caillou worshiping little wimp. We keep it classiegh around here.

  • Brittany

    Has anyone noticed he has been 4 for 15 years like bitch please ur suppose to be like 19?

  • Brittany

    Has anyone noticed he has been 4 for 15 years like bitch please ur suppose to be like 19? !

  • Ray

    Completely right.. Even in the portuguese and the german version the voice is terrible and his behavior dependent, coward and egocentric – all characteristics nobody can want them for their child.

    Lucky I am, my daughter herself remarked, that he is very bad in find solutions for his problems and doesnt like him as well.. thats one good thing in big and wealthy public ty channels: they make (at least here in germany) quite good programms for childrens. finally there is no notable market share of that french pain in the neck at all.. 🙂

    greetings ray

    (ps. sorry for my bad english..)

  • jess

    The part that always got me was how he asks his parents for something and is always told “Yes, you can.” He spills grape juice on his new shirt and magically Grandma turns it into a tie dye shirt. He’s always told “yes”. I know that the young girl who was the original voice of Caillou was tragically killed in a car accident so they needed to replace her in a hurry. Yes, he became more whiny after that. It is Canadian thus the “Play school” and “lane way” instead of driveway.

  • HollowSquirrel

    Thank you. Also, do you have a preferred rabbit sibling — Max or Ruby? I’ve noticed that I get along better with my mom friends who side with Max over Ruby… it may also be a first child/second child phenomenanaheh I can’t spell.

  • JohnnyC

    My kids enjoy Caillou and I don’t find him too crazy in small doses. That said, I have always noticed something off about the show. The weird accents, the weird names for things, etc. Then I noticed the names on the credits… a LOT of French names. French+weird accent to me equals Canadian. And sure enough, Caillou is a Canadian show. Play school is probably what they call preschool in Canada, for example. Its no wonder the show teeters on the suck line. So perhaps this isn’t Caillou vs American youth but Canada throwing some passive agressive American kids brainwashing our way? Hehe…

    • Jess

      Nice try, lol, I’ve never heard of play school either and I worked for years with 3-5 yr olds in Canada. And I’ve never met a Canadian mom who can stand Caillou…

  • C.Reid


  • Kyriel

    Hate the show… but here’s some background info that explains the bald head, the name and other things…

    And as for laneway and playschool… uh.. nope… perhaps those are direct translations from French, but nope, we do NOT use those terms here in English Canada.

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  • Dee

    I believe the character was created for a child with cancer, that is why he was made bald. I assume “play school” was a French/English translation thing…I don’t know.

    That being said, this article was hilarious, I was laughing my ass off. I generally dislike children, but I bet the author of this has awesome, well-behaved kids, who are going to grow up with a tremendous sense of humour.


    It’s a cartoon. GET OVER IT.

  • Laura

    omg! I absolutely love this! I definitely laughed out loud because I’m right there with you! bahaha

  • Kim

    Thank goodness its not just me that can’t stand this sniveling, whiny, self centered, did I mention WHINY..brat. This show annoys the crap out of me he whines all the time, his parents smile and act like he is perfect.. and always give in. We didn’t do that in my house growing up if my parents said no guess what that meant NO end of discussion… we didn’t dare whine or even think of saying mom do this now..this bald brat is a bad influence.. and must go away. Kids have enjough bad influences without having a bald, whiny, self centered brat give them ideas like if you whine you get your way or tell your mom and dad what they are going to do NOW

  • katery

    My husband and I have decided he either has alopecia or cancer. We’re hoping it’s the latter, but to be perfectly honest, it doesn’t really matter since that little, bald, whiny fucker is banned in our house and always will be.

  • DanTheMan

    Sponge-bob, now there is a role model. He shows up every day to his menial ass job, which I’m sure pays a meaningless wage, for a dickhead boss who only cares about money and his closet case supergay clarinet playing negative attitude neighbor squidword but spongebob always shows up super positive and upbeat and works the crap out of that McJob because that’s just the kind of hard working solid character he is. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea??? A true role model!

  • Candice Hooper

    I don’t mind Caillou at all, my daughter watches it and for some reason it never bothered me lol. I guess Im the only one who allows caillou in my house. He is whiny but man what kid isn’t at that age. When I work in my daughters school I feel like im surrounded but 20 mini caillous lol

  • Nicole

    He’s bald bc they don’t want him to be judged, as a blonde or brunette or red head etc, so they left him bald. Still really freaking annoying and whiney but that’s why.

  • Steve Nagle

    Check it! Caillou sucks!

    • Hawkins

      🙂 Very well put.

  • a father

    i read every single one of the responses to this article and despite the humor i found in the article itself from an adult point of view, i found the responses quite ironic due to the fact that in the midst of blaming caillou on the downfall of children in america… i see the real problem. I saw people calling caillou’s patient father a closet homosexual because he is understanding and open-minded… less manly because he has long hair… his mother is a lesbian because they live modest lives. What is wrong with you people? that is what parent is SUPPOSED to be… and you selfish people are probably watching reality television, ESPN, and going out drinking every weekend. A 4 year old IS selfish… it’s part of the learning system… if you notice, when caillou bitches his parents correct him EVERY time. Maybe you people should try to be positive role models for your children instead of shitting on something they like and relate to at that age. americans are the worst i swear.

    • Queer And Proud!

      Thank you, thank you, thank you!
      I was thinking the very same thing. Bunch of Hypocrites, and Bigots commenting…
      Get A Life People!!!

      • renegademama

        While I was also surprised at some of the assumptions in these comments, I think “Bunch of hypocrites and bigots” is a bit of a stretch (um, understatement).

        This blog post is dripping with sarcasm. Most of the comments are similar in tone. Most of what I have read here are light-hearted responses to a pretty ridiculous blog post.

    • renegademama

      Dear Father,

      I was not really blaming Caillou for the problems in America. That was sarcasm. Joking. Hahaha.

      Also, ya might not want to judge entire countries on a collection of comments on a tongue-in-cheek hyperbolic blog post.


  • the leaking pen

    We let our 5 year old watch him, but talk about what the little freak did wrong and why he’s being a bad kid, and that that is not how you should act. Caillou is NOT a role model, he’s a cautionary tale. (also, slowly dying cancer patient. )

  • The Shitastrophy

    I can’t even read this without hearing that whiney shits voice in my head.

  • Frugalistablog

    Well, clearly you didn’t pay attention to the theme song. He’s not 18 months old, ‘He’s just a kid who’s 4, each day he grows some more…’
    Oh see that? It’s in my brain too and my kids are 10 and 13!!! WTF??
    I loved this a little too much. It’s a little scary how I read some parts out loud just to say, “Caillou, You’re an asshole.”

  • Liz

    I don’t have kids yet, but I work with kids with special needs. I watch a lot of kid TV, I insist on PBS (I didn’t even like Nickelodeon as a kid), and I hate Caillou with the heat of 1,000 suns. I live near the Canadian border, and French Caillou is just as bad.

  • Lindsey

    Dont forget the fact that he talks in the third person!

  • Kay Kauffman

    I have never let my kids watch Caillou. I saw an episode once at my oldest son’s grandmother’s house, and it was worse than watching Barney (whom I also dislike with a passion, not for the message he teaches, but because he’s just irritating). Banhammer was promptly thrown. Neither of my younger sons get to watch it, either. Thank God they haven’t asked for it yet, but I like your style. If they do, I may just tell them he’s dead. 🙂

  • Matt

    I lost it at “Leo’s never comin’ over.” Then I laughed out loud in the middle of a crowd of people at “I’m sorry, honey, but Caillou is dead.”

    This is what’s needed to be said for years. Thank you for doing it.

  • MomsAgainstCaillou

    OMG at last someone has said it!!!!! #DeathtoCaillou

  • another father

    100% agree with a father above. Caillou is not the problem. Ignorant and bad parents are.

    • renegademama

      You do realize nobody’s ACTUALLY blaming Caillou for the problems in America, right? Well, at least I’m not. That was what we in the industry call “a joke.” Sarcasm. Hyperbole.

      Carry on.

  • Eric

    Clearly you’re missing the point of this show–it’s obviously supposed to be an animated biopic about Billy Corgan’s formative years.

  • Heather C.

    Hahahahaha, this post really made me laugh! It is one of the best posts I’ve read in awhile. I’ve luckily never watched Caillou, and luckily, in all my 9 year olds years, either has he.

    I asked my husband if he’s heard the term “play school”, and he said yes. He said in England (where he’s from), it’s called play school. Hmm, you learn something new every day. I’ve learned to give Caillou a wide berth. =D

  • Ann Cee

    We stopped watching when I noticed Caillou was using the word “hate”. That was 15 years ago and I finally erased that voice from my head. Now it’s back. Grrr. It’s going to take another 15 years to go away.

    • bobby messinger

      Hate is a real emotion. Do you think it can be removed by removing a vocabulary word? Do you think it’s being used improperly?

  • OneDayMama

    Well isn’t this episode fitting. Caillou the Police Officer. Shocking.

  • JJ

    My wife just sent me this and I’m still wiping away the tears of laughter. Caillou is the bane of my existence. I want to smack him. He apparently changes his name to “Alex” when he gets older…interesting.

    Spoiler alert! Caillou changes his name to "Alex" when he gets to high school. @yvearl— Jerusalem Jackson (@JerusalemJ) January 30, 2014

  • katrina

    I FEEL THE SAME EXACT WAY!!! I refuse to let my son watch that because Caillou is a whiny little brat. I can’t stand that show. my son started acting that way and I told him the show is not on anymore. Thank you. I have been saying I’m gonna write a letter to those producers for 3 years now. you have totally inspired me to actually do it now.

  • Chris

    I remember pounding my fists on the ground and having a tantrum because I wanted to be like Calliou. This isn’t made up. Kids like to mimic stuff they see on TV.

  • Cranberry

    This article is awesome. I hate Caillou and hope MOMMY and DADDY shove some dynamite up his ass and light it. But I don’t like how you made fun of him for being bald. My son is bald from alopecia and it’s not amusing. :/

    • Queer And Proud!

      Maybe if you shove some dynamite up his ass it will cure him?
      Now how does that sound when it’s directed at you and your family Cranberry?

    • bobby messinger

      Well, why would your son’s alopecia be amusing? Didn’t you ever wonder why Charlie Brown’s hair was the way it was? With his father the barber?

  • ECF

    My daughter was 2 yrs old when we started watching this show. She was a sweet little girl and turned into a monster. When we took away caillou and a few time outs later she was back to normal. If anyone saw that Christmas episode it was horrible when caillou was sit at the table sing a song about me me me, mine mine, no no give me my presents there mine, im not sharing,… Give me now, me me me mine mine give me now. I wanted to shoot the people who produce this thinking that is acceptable to show kids….. This show is horrible and should be banned from tv

  • brenda

    Its just a tv show. Watching that cartoon isn’t going to cause whiny kids. My daughter watched that movie when she was 3-4 and loved it and never had any whining issues.

  • Craig Bergman

    I like Caillou. And I love your post.

  • Lauren

    Lmfao, omg this is amazing. My son has seen maybe two episodes in his life. He never liked caillou, thank god my son can sense evil.

  • JuliePowell

    This was hilarious to read! I showed my two-and-a-half-year-old (too many hyphens?) the picture at the top and asked her who that was, and she knew exactly who it was. A minute later she started whining for me to get her a popsicle. Coincidence? I think not. What really bothers me, though, is how calm all of the adults are and how perfect their responses to the kids always are. And the kids just submit!

  • Nanlt

    My one brief exposure to Caillou was more than enough. Thank goodness my kids are too old for this rubbish any more.

    I think that Caillou must be related to Angelina, her incessant whining made me want to reach through the TV screen and either strangle her, or slap her parents.

    • Anonymous

      Why not both? Or why not strangle Caillou and Angelina with some type of flammable rope and light said rope on fire while allowing their parents to watch and be kept tied away from said children?

      The point is that they’re both fiendish and in the famous words of the greatest man on earth, to them I say, “BEGONE THOT!”

      Anyways, that’s just my opinion. Ciao.

  • LK

    This was some of the funniest shit I’ve ever read. I’ve carried a special hatred in my heart for Calliou for a very long time, and my husband actually guilt tripped me for refusing to allow my kids to watch it.
    Where have you been all my mom-life? I’ve been on this site for an hour, alternating between hysterics and existential panic. Hysterics because you’re awesome…and panic because you’re far wittier than me, and I’m always a little uncomfortable with that.

  • SarahBritishMum

    OMG, Caillou actually came on while I was reading the comments, haha!! All my kids loved Caillou. My 4th is 18 months old so we probably have a couple of years viewing left! It doesn’t bother me too much but my husband despises it “whiny little fucker”!! My oldest is 12 so I’ve been watching it for about 11 years, and if you watch long enough, you do see them wear different clothes, and he gets told no once in a while!! Just to make some of you feel better, it doesn’t seem to have affected my kids negatively at all. As each one has grown out of it, they have started making fun of it, much to my amusement!

  • SarahBritishMum

    Hmmm, should I admit this or not? Well I’m a Mum of 4 so, well, you know! Anyway, my kids are 12, 10, 6 and 18 months so I have watched Caillou continually for 12 years. I have found myself, on occasion (the occasions of my husband acting like a dick), wishing I were married to Caillou’s Dad! Oh dear….!

  • Alicia

    My kids love Calliou, but its not a very popular cartoon here in México, im ok with calliou, my husband hateeeees it, but im always like all those parents are so perfect doc mcstuffins, rollie pollie ollie, henry little monster, zou, guiack! Like they never yell, they have always time for their kids, they are súper fun, and never tried, Blah!

  • Andria

    I almost peed my pants, this is so perfect and dead on, you literally quoted lines that my 2 year old quotes and have now given me the courage the bury that little bastard too!
    Ps why does everyone know him…the mail man knows him by name? Really? He’s like a celebrity… I call bullshit

  • Karen

    First off, I fucking LOVE you!! I HATE Calliou with a passion. My neice and nephew used to watch it all the time when I babysat them. At first I loved it because they sat still for hours if it was on haha but then I actually watched it and I fucking hate his Charlie Brown wannabe looking ass. He is such a little bitch. And the kids act just like him. So I told my Fiancé that our daughter is NOT allowed to watch that shit. One night he put it on to see how I would react. Even though our daughter is 6 months old, I legit snapped at him to change it because I don’t even want her to know Calliou exists.

  • Kelly

    So when I need a good laugh (like after my kid steps in cat puke and then walks through the house to tell me she stepped in cat puke before she cleans her foot off)I read this post. It is fucking great. The comments are great too. Like, your response, “You do realize nobody’s ACTUALLY blaming Caillou for the problems in America, right?” So funny.

  • Sarah

    Well. I’ve never seen Cailliou, and my son has never seen Cailliou, which is apparently a good thing. BUT, I wanted to say, “solidarity on the not mommy thing.” My son calls me mom, and totally calls people out. If he wanders away in the grocery store, people will ask him where his mommy is, and he’ll straight up tell them, “I don’t have a mommy. She’s my mom, and she’s right there.” Just glad that I’m not the only one; almost everyone in my life acted like I was a crazy lady when I insisted on being called mom instead of the gratingly sweet (and usually whiny) mommy.

  • Racheal

    ok I do get it… I understand this show really does suck. Though the blog complaints about it being two moms instead of a mom and dad is not ok. IT IS OK FOR 2 WOMEN TO RAISE CHILDREN TOGETHER YOU ASSWIPES. But Jareth loves this show it is by far one of his favorites and he was whining for Mommy way before he ever saw it (having only been watching it for about a month). I hate to tell you this but toddlers and preschoolers are whiney no matter what, so teach them not to be (which is almost impossible anyway) instead of crying about a show they watch. And why is him being bald an issue?? That just shows you have no respect for other people and judge on how some one looks. Maybe the damn kid didn’t like having alot of hair and asked his parents if he could get is shaved. Some parents (though yes his are over indulging and creepy) let their kids decide their own hair cuts, considering hair grows back anyway. Bright hair dyes are insane because it looks bad and tacky but lengths are ok to choose as long as its kept in control. hell some parents shave their kids hair when they cant get them to let them wash or or brush it. Jareth right now is pointing to the picture of Caillou asking PLEASE can i watch Caillou not whining or crying about it, asking politely.

  • SJ

    Do you guys think this show could pass as a crime against humanity enough to motivate the world to go ahead and nuke Quebec, been itching to do it for decades those little self entitled sh*t’s should be happy we gave them Quebec. But instead they try to brake off and make their own country then ask us for all the essential supplies to sustain a country.

  • Christina

    I refuse to let my son (2 yrs old) watch the older versions but the more recent episodes seem to have improved. We started watching the new ones and eventually found the older and I remember telling my husband our son is not allowed to watch any of those that are older than 2013. They writers have definitely heard what all these parents were complainig about. I think he’s okay now… So much so that my son’s 2nd Birthday party was Caillou themed!!!

  • April

    Oh my God, I can’t stand Caillou my daughter will never watch it!!! We don’t watch spongbob either, I can’t stand most children’s cartoons. Ugh.

  • Ann

    I love this so much!! I cannot stand that little devil child and it was never allowed in our house. NEVER…EVER!!!

  • Dodson

    Ahahahah!! You said it brother! Hit the nail on the head, though I wish it was caillous head you put a nail through…I’ve said the same things. 1) where the fk is your hair? Are you suppose to appeal to sick kids? 2) do you progress or learn at all 3) how the hell has nobody smothered you with a pillow? Reminding me of “due date” a need to watch flick for expecting parents which is exactly what caillou is not…and I’ve said the same thing to my brainwashed daughter “caillou is dead, what happened? Well he was an annoying self entitled turd…you don’t want to die like caillou do you sweetie?”

  • crystal


  • Sahara

    Oh man, how I would have loved to read this post back in the early 2000’s when my 14 year old was watching this. I had no idea there were more parents like me who can’t stand Calliou. I feel so… supported. Thank you for saying what had to be said.

  • Rachel

    OMG yes! I used to stay with my then 4 year old niece when I was pregnant with my first (and obviously her family) and I wanted to throw out the TV every time it came on. When I saw how her behavior was affected by EVERYTHING SHE WATCHED I was planning on banning TV for my daughter other than background noise. But then my daughter was 6 months and learning to stack blocks from Daniel Tiger. So I changed my policy: If it teaches anything I don’t want taught it will never be watched. So far the list consists of Caillou and Spongebob. My husband turned on Spongebob the other day when I was gone to an appointment and I chewed his ass out for it. I hate those shows and do not allow them in my home or around my kids.

  • Mamawildbear

    Love this article (and so far, everything you write). We never even made it through the first few minutes of Caillou. The minute he started talking (whining), I said to my 3 year old daughter, “Oh, he is whining to much, he’s not allowed to stay.” We never watched it again and changed the channel if it came on. 12 years later she still says, “Remeber that awful kid on that TV show that whined so much? Why was he like that?” What on earth we’re they thinking when they made that show? At least they were probably not on drugs like the people who created Boohbah – WTF was that show?

  • Heather

    Oh my gosh I could not have put it better!!! I have not allowed Caillou in our home for a long time because of the whining. But please, can you do Daniel Tiger next?!?!?!? I can’t be the only one that has outlawed his growling, whiney ass!!! I kept trying to allowing him over and over because surly anything related to Mr. Rogers has to be ok. But, again and again, the little jerk is as bad if not worse than Cailliou. I drew the line when I told my daughter it was time to leave and she looked at me with all the defiance she could muster, growled, and said “choose one more then it’s time to go!!!” Oh hell no!!! When I say it is time to go, it is time to go!!! Go get em Renegade!! I just discovered your blog today and I can not wait to read as many as possible. ASAP.

  • Amber

    HAHAHAHA! I love this rant. I haven’t seen Caillou enough to hate him, but I can’t stand Ruby from Max and Ruby. Annoying brat! I laughed out loud when I read that you have banned “Mommy” from the house. What do you have your kids call you?

    Great post!

  • Kati Pauley

    I just want some of the drugs that his mother on. At first I thought it must be lithium but I don’t think that alone would be enough to tolerate that child. I’m convinced now it is a strong combination of several drugs only available through a doctor in Amsterdam!

  • laura

    Tears of joy… yes! Thank you for capturing my feelings about that whiney little brat. Calliou is pretty much the whole reason we don’t get the Treehouse channel. I just can’t handle his shit.

  • Jennifer R.

    I’m so glad this was written, my children are 24, 19, 17 and 17.. I’ve always thought Calliou was everything in this article. My friends and I have actually discussed how whiny he is.. How about we just read to our children instead.

  • Sandy

    Sometimes in our house we like to play a game called: rewrite the Caillou script post the “But MOOOMMMMMYYYYY” Caillou whine. The kids improvise how various family members respond to the brat. The most amusing scenes occur when my dad talks to Caillou.

    Caillou has always been the bane of children’s television for me.

  • Laura

    I have heard all these criticisms from Mama friends and we have, thankfully, never seen the show. I plan to keep it that way! My 2 year old loves the TinkerBell movies. They’re really good!

  • Anny

    I grew up watching Caillou and I was never like this. The reason why: my parents and family taught me better than that. Nowadays, kids hear and see a lot of things so much so, that it is impossible for you to actually filter everything. Rather than blogging about how horrible the TV show and the fact that the kid is bald, why not produce a post discussing how to teach your kids why what Caillou does is wrong sometimes?
    Yes, he is whiny, but what kid isn’t? Not all TV is meant to be everything you should do all the time. You may think it is really annoying, but what do your kids learn? If you talk about with them, rather than “killing Caillou”, you get children who understand that what Caillou is doing is wrong. By “killing Caillou”, you have stopped any future impact, but left the previous ones as such- the end result may not be visible now, but may come out more in the future.
    As far as Caillou calling his mother “mommy”, let’s be real for a second: I don’t understand what’s wrong with calling someone their mom mommy if they are indeed their mom. If you do not want your child to, that’s fine, but please do not condemn a show for doing this. There are a lot of names to call your mom and mommy happens to be one of the easiest for young children (who are learning to speak) to pick up.
    Even the comment policy makes me question the validity of your blog. You do not want to your children to watch a TV show in which a kid is acting like a kid and the mom has a lot of patience for her children, yet you choose to use inappropriate language in something publicly posted online for the world to see that you have typed and reread/ edited. I wonder what your language usage is like when you get upset at your kids. That probably causes more damage than this one TV show ever will. I am sorry if you are offended by the things that I say, but that is my opinion.

  • Jacqueline

    Fucking hilarious. Funniest thing I have read in a long time.

  • Person

    Sometimes when there’s nothing on other channels for what reason, i flip to PBS and there is the usual whiny brat Caillou, so to keep me entertained, i yell at him through the TV that he is being a senseless brat. I wish that little prick could actually hear me, and I will send a complaint to PBS.

  • Tingom Onago

    Screw Caillou he is the worst PBS Kids character in 1997-2010. He is a bald 4 year old shithead. I would rather yell and scream at Caillou than watch it. I should listen to Ace of Base than watch Caillou.

  • Sarah Torribio

    You say what we all are thinking. At least “Little Bill” had some boundaries, even if his creator Bill Cosby didn’t. But it gets confusing when none of the little boys on TV have hair. It’s cool if there’s a back story—cancer or trichotillomania—but come on, even kids with fades have SOME hair!

  • Navita Sharma

    Nice Article Blog.

  • Lesley McKelvie

    Oh my God this is hilarious! What’s even more hilarious is people seriously jumping to the defense of a cartoon character. The k you for a good Sunday morning laugh while my kid is watching this terrible show….

  • Apurva

    If you dont like callou…then dont let your kid watch thid show….i founnd the comments and lines of this article is very rude and negative….you people are complaining about a cartoon tv show….. you r using more negative language and words then this cartoon character…..may be your kid started doing negative things….but your languages n frustration is way beyond

    • andria

      If you don’t like this article…. then don’t read this article….see taking your own advice is genius! Also most of this is said in jest….lighten up

  • Temp

    Funniest article I’ve read in ages, thank you

  • Ted

    Good lord. It’s a freakin kids show. Kids that age whine, deal with it. I’m 27 and never watched the show as a kid, I had Blue’s Clues, Rugrats and SpongeBob to watch. But Caillou is nowhere near as annoying as Dora The Explorer..

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