I hereby resolve to suck less in 2014 than ever before (or, NY Resolutions)

by Janelle Hanchett

The New Year is weird. Nothing changes, but everything changes. Maybe it’s the end of the holiday insanity, or maybe it’s some psychological shift that occurs as we switch to the first month of a new year, but it really does feel new and different, though nothing is actually new or different.

Same people doing the same things in the same places, generally. Time is a human creation, people. We only think it’s a “new year.” The earth is all “same ol’ shit, new day.” Oh wait. Days don’t even exist. (Wahhhhhh we’re so insignificant! We’re all gonna die and fade into nothing! Seize the moment! Wake up! I’m afraid.)

Setting aside my existential angst, I’m always sure it’s going to be better this year. I can feel it. Every year, a strange breath of hope and newness in the air.

In unrelated news, 2013 can bite me. I’m done with the bastard. Thankfully, it appears done with me, too, and all of us for that matter.

Good riddance, motherfucker. You’ve taken too many of my jobs and burglarized my house one too many times and, in matters of actual importance, you’ve given too many people cancer and taken too many young lives in random tragedies.

I don’t know what your deal is, asshole, but you have got to go.

And so, in the interest of moving on to better and bright horizons while also accepting one’s slacker nature (please check out last year’s “Slacker Resolutions“), I’ve written some Honest Resolutions for 2014.

I get pretty tired of these sweeping “2014 is gonna be the BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE” and “I’m going to change everything I’ve ever done wrong ever and become the best version of myself!” resolution lists.

Basically I’m just hoping to suck less than I do now. Generally speaking, ya know?

Sucking less is a universally positive move.

So here we go, friends. My Honest Resolutions.

(FYI, these are not in order of priority.)

  1. Stop getting up 30 minutes before you have to leave to get the kids to school. It never works, Janelle, and yet you keep doing it. Barking orders from your bed does not count as “getting up.” Every day is like a mad dash through hell trying to get out the door in time. Get out of bed an hour before you need to leave, dumbass. JUST DO IT.
  2. Stop eating cookies in the middle of the night. We get it. You’re pregnant. You get hungry at 2 or 3am. But really? Cookies and milk? Are you ten? Are you Santa? Eat something else in the middle of the night. Work with me here.
  3. Speaking of cookies, you’re 18 weeks pregnant and you’ve gained nearly 20 pounds. You are on a fast track to “OMG HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?” You may not comfort yourself with carbohydrates anymore. Well, you can. BUT NOT AS OFTEN AND I MEAN IT.
  4. Do kegels. No really, do kegels this time. Though we all know how much you enjoy the Sudden Leg Trickle, maybe we could just get crazy and do something else this pregnancy. What do ya say there, champ?
  5. Stop getting on your kids’ cases for eating food or drinking water in your presence. Just because you’re a fucking psycho and hormonal beyond recall, you do not have an excuse to snap at your child for ____, well, yeah. That’s right. Doing nothing. You’re the problem here, Janelle. YOU. I thought we’d been over this.
  6. Do not, under any circumstances, reinstall Candy Crush.
  7. Maybe jump off the crazy train right at the beginning rather than ride it all the way through to the end. For example, when you come home on Christmas Eve and your husband, in an effort to be helpful (because you have a cold and are exhausted and overwhelmed), has wrapped nearly all the gifts, and you feel a sudden pang of sadness because you are now “left out” and “not feeling a part of Christmas anymore,” recognize there’s something seriously wrong with you and for sure stop talking. Like, go to bed. No need to verbalize. Just sleep. That look he’s giving you? Yeah, that one. The one that manages to mix terror, sympathy and pure wonder right between the brows? Yeah, use it as a sign. GET OFF THE TRAIN.
  8. Stop squealing at the dog. Alpha pet owners do not lose their cool with their idiotic Labradors. Rather, they are like Zen masters. Calm, powerful, grounded.
  9. Actually maybe you should try not to squeal at all. Nevermind we’re supposed to be realistic. Work toward a generally squeal-free day. Less overall screaming. Good call.
  10. Do not engage in flame wars. Do not engage in flame wars. Do not engage in flame wars. For the entire year, because it’s stupid exercise in futility AND YOU KNOW IT, do not engage in flame wars.
  11. Do one healthy thing a day for yourself. Exercise, eat a super food, meditate, pray. Take care of yourself, asshole. If you aren’t taken care of you’ll have nothing to give others.
  12. Stop staying up so damn late just because the house is quiet.
  13. Rather than turn everything in 24 hours after it’s due, maybe try 12. Winning!

But mostly, kid, you enjoy the next 5 months or so with Georgie as your “baby,” your family as it is, cause a new baby’s coming, one of these nights will be the last as it was, or is, and when he or she arrives, don’t miss a single whiff of that newborn breath, or the way they sleep on your chest with their bottoms in the air, and the fists they make for the first couple months, and the way the siblings will hold and smile and gaze as you watch them tumble on, relentlessly on, to the new, and different, and same.

Happy New Year, friends.

How are you hoping to move toward Generally More Solid Human?

Yay for sucking less in general!

blog new years

24 Comments | Posted in Useless Lists of Irrelevant Information. | December 30, 2013
  • Rachael

    #12 – the story of my life! I can’t resist the quiet.

  • Sarah Maren

    You are MAGIC! Also, I believe you can do almost all these thing. Happy 2014 to you my dear! XO!

  • Stephanie

    Ha! Parts of your post cancel out parts of my post. You just focus on that baby!! I will focus on being vicariously pregnant.

  • Shelly G

    No. 6. Yes! I am uninstalling that shit from my phone RIGHT NOW. Pet Rescue Saga is way more fun anyway.

  • Carlisle

    I resolve to start taking more frequent showers instead of just washing my hair in the sink all the time. Especially since I either a) have to do the mountain of dishes first, or b) move the mountain of dishes to anywhere there is free counterspace, which doesn’t exist. And both things take more time than just moving the toddler’s highchair into the bathroom and dumping puffs on the tray, so you might as well shower even if she freaks out everytime she hears water running.

    That last one, I think I’m moving that to the top of my list.

    • Carlisle

      Oh, that’s not really a list. Just one thing.

    • Meggo27

      Hahahaha! I am CONSTANTLY making this resolution! So glad someone else shares it. Though mine is due to pure laziness, not a screaming toddler. Still! Shower on, compadre!

  • Renee'

    Wishing you a Happy 2014 and that it wouldn’t suck as much as 2013! Hang in there lady – you are our hero and a role model that we all can relate to!

  • Heather

    I made this….You can use it too because I Love you!! 🙂


    • Kim

      THAT…. would be an amazing card.

  • Shayla

    I’m hell bent on making things hard for myself so I think I will try to suck more. Also, I am a lazy contrarian so using and opposing your idea at the same time seems legit. Smooches.

  • heidi

    This is more like a very angry self-lecture, woman! I command you to chill!

    • Janelle

      This was a joke. I command you to read sarcasm!

  • Jessica

    In 2014 I resolve to take deep breaths. To give myself and everyone the Universe sends my way a break and to just grow in general. Love you from far away Janelle, thank you for trying to be honest with the world:)

  • sara


  • Mel

    Two things for me:
    1. Stress less about the toddler refusing banana (or green beans or chicken or whatever) and flailing about wildly when she sees it, despite it being her all time favourite food yesterday.
    2. Get laid.
    Not sure if number two counts as a resolution though.

  • jaana

    amen!! eff you 2013!!

  • Jackie

    Bahhahahahaaha! LOVE it. I can totally relate to the Crazy Train and the look it creates on my husband and children’s faces and staying up too late because the house is quiet. Love you girl!

  • SRB

    Oh man… every time I sneeze while pushing the stroller I want to scream “DO YOUR KEGELS! DO THEM NOW!!!” to passersby. I wonder if I’ll ever stop peeing myself just enough to not ignore it. Glamour!!!

    Your #7 is a very good reminder for me. I am amazed my husband still speaks to me, frankly.

    You can do it!

  • Sara

    Great list! #7 and #12 especially resonate with me…

    As for my Honest resolution to suck less, this year, I will try not to paint everything dark and try to change my perspective on things when I feel too depressed. Life is too unbearable when I’m negative, so even though I’ve always laughed at positivism, I will give it a try… But I will try it my way, not unrealistically! I will not change “everything is black” to “everything is pink”! More like a realistic positivism… Focus on what’s going right, not always on what going bad!

    That’s my one and only resolution, but that’s more than enough for me! If I can focus on that, I can accomplish anything! (Okay, my positivism needs a little tweaking… I’ll work on that!)

  • Kateri Von Steal


    Oh: the Cookies and Milk thing… Yeah, you’re a 10 year old… But so is my fiance… EVERY NIGHT.. I swear, he eats all the GOOD SNACKS while we all sleep.

    So… basically.. my point: You are NOT alone.

    Sucking less overall, is a great goal. I strive for that myself 😉

    From one crazy mama to another.. Happy New Year!

  • Nancy

    Oh Holy Shit. “Good Riddance Motherfucker.” How can that make me laugh so hard? Awesome.

  • Heather Thorkelson

    This year I resolve to freefall into the unknown. I think that will automatically result in me sucking less. I hope anyway. Thanks Janelle.

Leave a Comment

Comment policy: Try not to be a dick.