To the losers who haven’t sleep trained their babies

by renegademama

We all know an infant “sleeping through the night” is the holy grail of parenthood about 12 of us have actually accomplished but all of us are somehow expected to make happen, but hey. Who the fuck is counting?

And we all know that if your baby is not “sleeping through the night” one of two things is happening:

  • Your baby is an asshole. No wait. That’s not right. She’s a “bad baby.” Bad babies don’t sleep through the night. GOOD babies do. (Knowing this, sometimes when my baby wakes up at 3am, I hold him close and look him dead in the eyes and say “Arlo, STOP BEING A BAD BABY. Don’t you want to be good? Good babies don’t demand the boob at 1am 2am 3am and 5am. They are GOOD in that they comprehend the sleep needs of their parents, at 8 months.” Strangely, he just looks at me like “Why is there no nipple in my mouth, loser?”
  • YOU are an asshole. That’s right. Stop complaining. You’re having sleep problems because you haven’t SLEEP TRAINED your baby. Get a grip, douche.

So basically if your baby is not the problem you are the problem. Simple.

Oh just knock it off. I’m not trying to make an argument about sleep training or not sleep training. Well, yes, I absolutely think you are a dick for letting your 3-month-old scream uncontrollably until he vomits on himself and then on the 3rd day he gives up and you’re all “SUCCESS!” and tell all your friends about it on Facebook. Sorry, but that’s some fucked-up shit. On the other hand, if it keeps you from driving yourself off a cliff, do what you do. Whatever. Perspective.

But most people don’t do that. And there are many variations of “sleep training” and most of them are pretty civil, from what I hear, having never actually successfully “sleep trained” anything in my entire life.

The only one to not sleep with us and nurse pretty much all night was Georgia, who actually screamed “Thank GOD I’m FINALLY FREE!” when we put her in a crib at 3-4 months. But she’s George. She needs no human.

beautiful baby

George in her crib like a motherfucking boss

 

My friend said she got her 9-month-old to sleep half the night in the crib (I only want a few hours, folks, JUST A FEW) by going away for 2 days and having her husband give the baby a bottle and then back in the crib, with some limited crying. Next month I’m going to a beginners’ yoga retreat (THEY PROMISE ME FAT PEOPLE CAN DO YOGA) at an ashram in the Sierra Nevada (I can’t make this shit up), so our plan is for Mac to attempt the same.

My expectations of this working are hovering around 5. Percent. As in, 5% likelihood of success.

Why? I don’t know why. Because we suck. Because we’re subpar humans. Because we’ve just never done it. Because the crying makes my soul hurt. Because maybe I have defective children. Because I DON’T KNOW WHY.

Because a good portion of my life feels like a constant state of “winging-it” while the rest of the world appears all in control, planned out and solid, while I’m over here flailing in “WTF is happening” land and wondering how I could get my hands on some of the Kool-Aid they’ve evidently consumed.

Actually, maybe not.

But I know I’m not the only one, and so, this post if for you, losers who have never successfully sleep trained their children. Or really, anybody who has kids who aren’t “sleeping through the night.”

LOSERS.

I get you.

 

Does your head hurt every single day when your eyes open? Me too. Sometimes my cheekbones ache. I didn’t even know that was a thing until this most recent one came along.

Usually my eyes open and I think to myself “Oh god no,” which is not exactly a “fresh start” to my morning but we do what we can. The prospect of copious amounts of coffee and having no choice whatsoever in the matter are the only two things dragging me out of bed. I rely on the bright screen of my phone and the utter cuteness of my baby babbling next to me to remind me that dying is not the way to go here.

LEAVE ME ALONE I’M A LITTLE DRAMATIC SOMETIMES.

georgia and rocket

well, she came in our bed sometimes…

And I understand the weight. On the shoulders and forehead and back. It hurts almost all the time. I want to get to the gym but I can’t. Well, I can, but it’s so much. If I ate better I’d feel better. Why the simple carbs when I’m tired? Why the sugar? Next month I’m going to an ashram where I will be whipped into shape faster than you can say “loose-fitting hemp pants.”

I imagine I’ll come back a yogi.

 

Sometimes I put the milk in the cupboard, and sometimes I get really, really angry at my kids over really, really stupid shit and as it’s happening I realize I am actually nearing the delusional insane/profound irritability state of sleep deprivation and I think to myself “JANELLE YOU MUST SLEEP TRAIN. DO SOMETHING!”

But when 10pm rolls around I just collapse again into bed, with my baby at my side, because sleep, now. I guess. I don’t know if I could do this if I had to work outside the home. What did I do before? I can’t recall.

BTW: Why do we get on each other’s cases for sleep training/not sleep training when the real thing we should be fucking enraged insane livid pissed about is that WE HAVE NO FUCKING PAID MATERNITY LEAVE in this country?

And then there’s the weekends. If my husband’s home, he takes the baby in the morning and I feel 40-60% human again.

And I get that sometimes the whole house is asleep and you’re awake and then you’re sure you really have lost it because what are you doing awake? But the quiet.

And I get that sometimes you hand your baby to your partner and say “I need 20 minutes without a human touching me, looking at me, actually, near me at all.”

And, if your partner works and you stay home (and therefore the nighttime parenting usually falls on you), I get wanting to bludgeon the motherfucker (lovingly, of course, and just a LITTLE) with something that will hurt but not kill because just look at him over there snoring (the partner, not the baby).

FullSizeRender-2

It doesn’t all suck

And I get that none of that is all there is, and there’s the cuddles and laughing and baby snores and fists and the smell of them after the bath as they tuck up against you, and the kiss you give his head anyway, 3 or 9 or 12 times a night as you do that grab-and-roll thing to nurse on the other side, and the softness of the breath, the cheeks and neck. I know there’s a gratefulness that you can be there, even as you’re hating it, and the oldest one will be 18 in 5 years.

There is always that, too, or maybe that’s only because I’ve been doing this for 13 years, and it feels like 9 days, and one of them is going to go soon. I’m not saying I know more than you. I think it’s pretty clear I don’t. And I remember when all I felt was resentment. Love, but resentment. Because it couldn’t possibly be this hard, and yet it was. And I couldn’t see through or out because I had never gotten through or out but now I have a kid who doesn’t need me at all at night, and sleeps in a space all her own, and with her, I’m through, and out, and can’t even recall.

 

So now, now I’m not angry. I’m just tired. Well, sometimes I’m angry.

And I still haven’t figured it out.

And maybe you haven’t either.

So I wanted you to know. You’re not the only loser. And when I come back a yogi, I’ll tell you everything about how to fix all your shit, because I know, I know it’s right around the corner.

The same. The tired.

The end.

It’s all right there. Or here, actually.

Right here on my fucking chest.

FullSizeRender-3

Arlo is relieved that I’ve finally been successfully sleep trained.

 

more stuff I shouldn't have said out loud:

  • hk

    Amen. I have 2, ages 3 years and 11 months, and I’ve always just tried to do what they wanted with sleeping (which, for the little one, was sleeping nowhere but in my arms for 6 months and then inexplicably sleeping all night in his crib) and never understood why our plan of “winging it and figuring they will sleep eventually” provoked such strong reactions from people. EVERYONE RELAX IT’S OKAY TO NOT HAVE A PLAN is our mantra, except when it’s OMG WHY DON’T I HAVE A PLAN. Onward!

    • Rachel @ Reality Chick

      I love this so much. I’m exhausted and my kid is currently asleep in the middle of our bed inside an elaborately created pillow fort with the monitor trained on his tiny face because it’s the only way he would sleep tonight.
      And I’m trying to be okay with the ‘winging it’ thing. Reading your comment makes it okay 🙂

    • Charity M

      I found this article after Googling ‘Why won’t my 18 month old fucking sleep’
      You hit the nail right on the head! Thank you so much for writing this, I feel 100 times better now.

      • Susan

        Because 18-month-olds are a-holes. I feel your pain, though. This was my life 4 months ago. I had to just get in my car one night and drive away (Daddy was home) so I could scream at the top of my lungs and not freak anyone out.

        It got better.

        • Nikki

          I might have to try that myself in about five hours’ time, thanks for the idea 🙂

          Glad it got better. Sure hope it does for us too. I believed everyone who said the newborn bit was the hardest – but she slept back then, when she wasn’t quite so aware of absolutely every single thing outside of the cot…

    • Meghann Parson

      I love this comment. But would like to add WHY DO PEOPLE CARE SO MUCH? IT’S MY LIFE AND KID! And I totally sympathize. Same situation basically over here.

    • Erica

      I LOVE this post!!! I laughed out loud and almost woke my 7 month daughter up…but the part about the husband and his snoring…Jesus…I hollard😂 Thank you so much for this..I feel so much better…

    • Krysten

      I pumped at nigh and t brest fed during the day, and since day Three both my daughters slept in there crib. I made it a huge deal! No co sleeping hold baby while he she has fallen asleep and down to sleep in the crib. My oldest slept on her side and my youngest has slept on her stomach since week 2 of life. I know i know you’ll probably judge me but she was perfevtly safe and completely content in her belly! Plus there was nothing i could do! At two weeks shed roll over lol.
      Anyways point is , dont make co sleeping a routine and it wont be a problem. Were talking dont inturupt that poor baby change the diaper if you MUST at night buy huggies night times and get some shut eye!

      I am a working mom and my fiance works anywhere from 10-15 hours some days! My job is never iver and im exhausted my little ine dos not nap often and thats been hardest! When she dos nap i have things to do like shower ince a week and do laundry and find courage to cook and eat a meal …or im to stressed to fall asleep!
      Motherhood i cant promise you’ll ever not be tired again ! But it is going ti be ok! Do the best you can.

      • Realist

        No 2 week old baby rolls over LOL!

        • lemmony

          Why would she lie? Our baby was rolling at 4 weeks. Totally possible just unusual!

        • Stephanie

          My daughter rolled over at 1 week old totally possible!!!
          .

          • Debra

            Nope. Totally possible. Mine did at 2 weeks. So maybe leave the woman be? She has no reason to lie.

        • Lauren

          My sister started rolling over at 10 days and never stopped

      • MamaS

        This comment completely misses the point of this entire post, and was obviously written by someone who has never experienced a baby who simply will not be put down. Really. It’s a thing. I’ve had two of them.

      • Sassypants

        “don’t make co sleeping a habit?”… Apparently someone’s never had a colicky baby who would cry so hard that they cough, choke on their own saliva, and give themselves a fever. When co sleeping is the only thing that works, do it, and don’t give a shit what other people say. Books and unsolicited advice mean dick-all. You’re the mom, you have instincts. Do what you need to do. We still co sleep and my little dude is 8 months. I’m not too worried… He’s not going to be 12 years old sleeping in our bed still lol.

        • Melissa

          Oh my gosh, yes. As I sit here exhausted, letting my six month old sleep in my lap because he cried all morning and refused to nap in any other place or position.

          “Books and unsolicited advice mean dick-all.” This might be my mantra today.

          • Helen

            I desperately want my six-month-old out of my bed because not only does it cause me physical pain but she often rolls onto her side to feed and then pee leaks out her nappy. I’m so so so over it. Every time I think she’s in a deep sleep I try to put her in her cot but she instantly wakes up. I just want to scream!!! I mean how does she know? She sleeps through ANYTHING if she’s in my arms but if I so much as bend over her cot, her body arches and her eyes open wide and she howls.

            • Florence

              Because the crib doesn’t feel safe like your arms do, her crib doesn’t smell as delicious and familiar as you do and it’s big, cold and a large open space. Your baby wants you. I went through the same. Eventually fave up and had our boy full time in bed with us. I got way more sleep, he was way more content…..2 years down the line he’s still in with us and we LOVE it x

              • Ashley Veniott

                I’m late to the party here, but did it ever get better? I planned a movie marathon for myself to try to get my 4 mo in his crib, so when he screamed when I put him down or woke up 10 mins later I’d go back to my movie til he was asleep and I could try again. I still only get 2-3 hrs of him in a crib and then sometimes he ends up in his swing or eventually my bed. He also needs to be in a baby sleeping bag and have a poor fleece blanket on his crib mattress!

          • Tracy

            …. “Books ans unsolicited advice mean dick-all” LOL … Amen to that!!

      • Sleepykat

        Seriously? That’s your advice? So those of us who already have co-slept are doomed.
        Also you luckily appear to have missed the bone aching and zombie mum state that is created by little non sleeping beings.. good for you. Your advice is not wanted. I’m trying not to swear at you.

    • Donna Jo

      I recently called my husband who is 5 hrs away for his 7.5 day hitch at work complaining and tearing up with sadness and anger and guilt…as I have done each week since our third baby has turned 4 months now 7 months. I have a 4yr 2yr and 7 mo. We talked about my lack of sleep and insanity and how we NEED TO “SLEEP TRAIN”. and as I lay half awake at nap time because of my insanity and the need to pee but don’t want to wake baby, I grow the balls to Google something about it alll and I found your post to us losers and I cannot THANK YOU ENOUGH! ! You made me laugh cry and laugh. I am so happy I read this blog now at the perfect time. God bless you and thank you for being so FOR REAL. prayers and thinking of you because you are a life saver xoxo ♡

    • Erica lima

      Thank you for taking women off this rediculous pedastal of having to do everything right and perfect in order to have “good” children. Sleep trainingq goes against the natural process and growth humans do which there is no formula to.
      If we could learn to forgive ourselves, laugh at our mistakes and give humanly of ourselves we would learn to truly accept ourselves for our real humanity which is full of mistakes and blemishes but is actually what makes us beautiful. And for our kids to learn that is the greatest gift. Better than “putting themselves to sleep” as a fourth trimester baby.id much rather condition my baby to see and learn empathy, being ok to have needs, validating those needs and sharing in the response of meeting those needs. Thank you for your blog seriously !

  • Amy

    Cannot thank you enough for this….reading this made me feel human again! I feel like I am constantly judged for my non-sleep trained 3 1/2 year old twins whom I now co-sleep with. Thank you, I love everything about your writing!

    • Molly Gr

      It’s hard not to worry about other’s opinions…but the reality is that you should do what works for you and your family. What works for one, does not work for all. If co-sleeping is what keeps you, your partner, and your kiddos sane…then by all means…do it! 🙂 Warrior on!

      • Kids Nook

        Exactly. You can not generalize in life and especially when it comes to babies and children.

        • Rachel

          I’m so tired now that I thought you said you can not generalize in life when it comes to babies and CHICKENS. I need more coffee…

    • Aleksandra

      Thank you I feel better my husband,s friends judge me for cosleeping with our 19 month old who I still breastfeed I feel like a failure when I don’t rise up to people’s standard and their how to raise a kid

      • MamaKC

        Co-sleeping and breastfeeding still with my 19 month old daughter also so forget about the negative people and do you! 😊

  • Emily

    I’m the oldest of six kids and my mom never sleep trained. As a kid I thought babies grew on her freaking chest because someone’s face was always attached to her boob. She just never fucking went to bed, ever. Even with four under five she just kept plugging along, cosleeping, breastfeeding, homeschooling. I have two kids, I am exhausted, and I honestly have no fucking clue how she is still a normal functioning human person. But she is and so I have hope that someday someone will ask me a simple question and I’ll be able to answer it. 🙂

    • Amanda

      I love this comment almost as much as the post. Hilarious!

    • Mateja

      Great comment! “…someone’s face was always attached to her boob.” 🙂 🙂

  • Diana PrattI

    I am way past the baby stuff (I actually have a 5 month old granddaughter), but I just have to tell you how much I love your writing. How you keep it so real. I remember the days of having 2 babies, less than a year apart, and just wanting to die. I remember them being older and fighting, and me flipping my shit on them. Screaming shit that I felt really guilty about after. But the worst part? Realizing that my fucking windows were open and that the neighbors that lived about 3 feet away from us probably heard it all. I always thought I was such a horrible mother (not completely convinced, still, that I wasn’t), but I have an amazing 27 year old daughter and an amazing 28 year old son, so I must have done something right. Well, my husband probably had a little to do with it, as well.

    I never would have had the courage to say what you just said. I wish someone had said this shit (or written it) back then. I had never heard anyone say anything even remotely like how I felt.

    Thank you for letting me know, even 28 years later, that I was okay.

    • Mel

      Love this!!! And, Oh thanks for your comment too, Diana. I am sometimes so knackered and frustrated (I love being a stay home mum, but at times its soooooo boring!) that I’ve yelled ridiculous things at my girls (5 and 2) realising the windows are wide open for all to hear and I feel awful, the cruelest person in the world. The fact the girls still give me giggles, kisses and cuddles amazes me at times. So I’m grateful to read your comment, gives me hope that sometimes I may lose my shit, but that I haven’t completely ruined my girls.

    • Tracy

      LOVE LOVE All these real comments…just thank God for people like this ans wish I had some in my life as close friends; life would be alot more pleasent! Tha k you grandma women for sharing your experience! And that your children are fine young adults!

  • J

    I don’t care what people besides myself do, because it doesn’t affect me. But I sleep trained the fuck out of my kids. The first one, & the second one. And now I am out of the sleep training business. The rest of you gotta do you.

    • lady

      finally!!! i was beginning to feel like an asshole who doesnt love her daughter for daring to decide not to co-sleep from the begining. from her 1st night she has been in her travel cot in our room, moved to her big cot at 3mths.
      its such a relief to sleep for 6hrs straight. we both wake up well rested!

  • JuliePowell

    I have been in a constant state of this for the last eight years and have finally given in with the third, who’s still nursing and in bed with me most or all of the night at 3.5 years old. Tried the cry it out thing with the first cause that’s what your supposed to do, right? It was torture. I am sure the neighbors heard his sad cries. It kind of worked. The funniest thing is, last night, I banished my husband (lovingly, of course) to the bed in the basement, because his sniffling and sneezing from his cold was keeping me awake, and the “baby” was in her room for once. Anyway, I feel so much more rested (it’s like night and day) on those rare occasions that she does sleep most of the night in her room. But, I don’t mind, because she’s our last. I wish she would stay little forever.

  • Vanessa

    Thank you! I have a 7 month old (and a 2.5 yo). The 7 mo will.not.sleep. I am in no way opposed to sleep training but it’s just not going to work for us at this time. Mostly because neither I nor my husband can take the crying. Which means that he is up 2-8 times a night and cries when he can’t find a boob. I am nursing all night. I don’t have a plan how to stop that one either. He’s a small baby so we worry about his weight gain. It seems wrong to not feed him every time when he takes it readily. I work full-time outside the home and commute 1 hour each way so I imagine this is not sustainable forever but it is what is working for now. The oldest one sleeps all night in his bed. I don’t even remember when he started doing that but I know that the baby will get there eventually.

    And yes. I feel like a failure because it seems like all of my friends have these magical unicorn babies that sleep from 7-7. I don’t know if they are just lying or maybe I’m the asshole doing it wrong (not my baby, he’s not an asshole).

    • Christina

      Ha ha magical unicorn babies! I love it. Don’t worry, your friends are probably lying. Or exaggerating at any rate. “Oh yes he’s in bed from 7-7.” (but not always his own bed and did I not mention the three times i got up to him and fed/rocked him back to sleep?)
      My 3 month old recently had a week of sleeping 6 hours in a row and i thought that was the best thing ever. Luckily for me he is number 2 so i knew it was just a phase, ie he’s up every few hours again now! We failed at sleep training for number 1 as I couldn’t take the crying but they do get there eventually, like you I don’t remember how or when… So tired 🙂

      • Jessica

        Yes! I also have a 7-month-old and a 3-year-old. If I could just remember when my big boy started sleeping longer stretches I would be able to pull through. I’m not crazy-I’m just looking for 3 hours in a row. Is that so much to ask? That would be HEAVEN! But I simply can’t remember when things changed. If I knew it was at one year or 15 months or even 2 years, I’d at least have some hope for a brighter more rested future. But my memory is not pulling its weight on this one.

    • Kellie

      They’re lying. Mine sleeps from 7-7, too…after waking up at least twice to nurse. And he’s 14 months. Prior to a year he nursed all. night. long. Under a year old, you are supposed to offer to feed first, so you are doing the right thing. After 1 they don’t technically NEED the nutrition (really more like after they’re well established on solids as some babies are slow to take to them) and you can try to put baby back to sleep by rocking or patting without offering first. For us, it just sort of happened. He would fall asleep without nursing now and then, or wake up and not need to nurse occasionally…and then more and more. I’m just letting it happen on his time but damn, some days I’m really tired.

      • Kevie

        I was really glad when I read your comment. This is what I’m hoping mine will do. We are currently at 10 mos and we do still nurse “all night,” though I think I do occasionally get a few hours in a row. I think it happens around 5 am. We’re kinda doing 9-9 right now (I don’t work). I try to sneak out whenever I can to see how long she will sleep on her own or if she will roll over and go back to sleep without me. It happens sometimes. It would be nicer if I didn’t have to worry about what DH thinks or wants. I cling onto co sleeping because, like in the original post, the crying makes my soul hurt. Anyway, thanks! I will continue to fly by the seat of my pants and hope for the best!

    • Shay

      Check out reverse cycling on kellymom. I personally got sleep by bed sharing. He nursed and I slept.

    • Mel

      YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT! Actually, I can’t believe you are doing it so right and doing paid work with a wee one. My boy is about to turn 3 and working 4 days a week is killing me, I can’t imagine how hard you are doing it… YOU are the magical unicorn, baby 🙂 And I have to agree, bed sharing means you can get some sleep – can’t tell you how to NOT sleep with them, but bedsharing got me sleep through those days, the boy nursed and I slept and it was great. He still sleeps better with another human next to him, but I figure that won’t last for ever and truth be told, I’ll miss it.

    • Lee

      my daughter woke every hour for most of her first 9mths, then I took her to a paediatric chiro who discovered her neck was ‘out’ causing her pain when laying down. Instant results, baby wakes 2-3 times per night…its wonderful!!

    • Darlene

      When the babies in bed with you at night he/she won’t sleep and nibble? My 7 month old boy sleeps 6pm to 6 am but he falls asleep on my boob and stays by my side all night if he fusses I slip him the nip and he goes back to bed. We sleep great together. Hope that helps. I love co sleeping:-)

  • April Bennett

    I’m five years out but I still remember this like it was yesterday. It sucks so very badly, and it’s all manufactured by the awful circumstances, and confused by the lovely circumstances, and made more pressure-filled by the idea that we chose it and are somehow therefore even more responsible for not caving. I’m so, so sorry. I love you, from a stranger. I may look like I have it all together now, but I remember. Your voice is important.

    April

    • Robyn Ayers

      Thank you April. That made my tired self-doubting heart happy.

  • Mary

    Love this! I never figured it out, either. My babies are now 22 and 26 and no longer nurse to fall asleep (that I know of) and did not wear diapers in kindergarten (although there were some wet pants) and made it through to adulthood without too much therapy. I wish I had your thoughts to read way back when. I would have told a lot more people to fuck off.

  • Laura

    My daughter never slept through the night until she was almost two. Reading some of these other comments I realize that doesn’t seem like a lot but my GOD did it feel like a lifetime. And I had a time where the whole world felt not so bright, and every day came with a headache due to my lack of sleep and the constant banging my head on the wall to fix our sleep issue and not be getting anywhere. Unless someone has really gone a really really long time with out sleep I don’t think you can know what a dark place it can be at times. I would joke and say that the FBI was gonna want me because I was so trained on sleep deprivation at that point that I could have been a serious asset to them. But the joke was just to make a really crappy situation slightly less painful. I know you get that. And I’m glad that you wrote this. And sleep is as wonderful as I (and you) remember it and I hope you get some very soon too.

  • Jill

    Yeah, I sleep trained. I intended to go all attachment and stuff, but the first born had severe colic and never slept more than 45 min, and wouldn’t sleep on me, and wouldn’t sleep near me, and wouldn’t sleep in the car, and wouldn’t sleep being bounced, or rocked, and wouldnt’ sleep during or after nursing. He wouldn’t sleep. So I said FUCK THIS, I’m not a human punching bag. My life matters just as much as his life. After 4 months of that shit, I put him in the crib, and left the room. 20 min later he was asleep and slept 4 hours. He woke happy, nursed, I put him back down, he cried 15 min, and slept again for 3 hours. He woke happy. He was happy! He had a great day! He stopped crying and stopped being “colicky” all the time.

    He grew up and you know what? He has ADHD. The poor kid was so overstimulated by all my “attachment” that he could.not.sleep. Once I left him the fuck alone in his crib, he sorted it out.

    After that, with daughter 2 (no ADHD) and daughter 3 (ADHD), I started it way earlier, like 8 weeks. Bam. I’m a functioning human being, they were happy.

    That worked for me, whatever works for you and everyone else is cool. We all gotta do what we gotta do to survive.

    • Kirsty

      I work in early childhood and have two young children (4.5 & 4 months), I am a huge advocate of do whatever works for you. I have a huge problem when any parent gets judged ( within reason of course as some do deserve it ) as they are honestly trying their best. Every family and situation is different and every child is different so no one has the right to tell another parent that they are doing the wrong thing by their children. Having said that, both my children started sleeping through the night by four months, my baby girl has been effectively sleeping through since she came home from hospital. This was not through sleep training, I have just had good sleepers, both would only wake once a night for a feed as a newborn. At the end of the day, sleeping through the night is a milestone that children will achieve when they are ready. You don’t start a baby on solids until they are ready so don’t expect a baby to sleep through until they are developmentally ready for it.

    • Suzanna

      Love it! Me too with the attachment parent wishes with my first, but the same – she was too sensitive to stimulation and was happiest wrapped tightly in her own crib with her own space. She cried alot, but now she’s four and doesn’t cry so much – only when I say ‘no’ to something she wants.

    • Lady

      Look into the work of Oliver James, a child psychologist. He has a good book “love bombing” for children with ADHD.
      Also there is evidence (study is mentioned in James’ book “how not to f*** them up”) that empathic care lessens the likelihood of ADHD behaviours.

  • Diana

    My cousin emailed me this blog post and it is so right on. This post is perfect and parts of it feel like I wrote it. Seems often people don’t understand what I’m saying, like the grab and roll nursing at night. Haha

    My 18 month old will not sleep unless he is touching me. Night and day and it’s been this way since he was born. We’ve tried Sleep Training multiple times and various ways and for 5 nights at a time. I’ve wasted time and money on sleep training books to no avail.

    Thanks for this blog ❤️

  • Jess

    kid 1: I know all this shit, I have it down.
    kid 2: hmm. He’s kinda different than kid 1
    kid 3: wait, what??
    kid 4: oh Jesus I have no fucking idea how to do any of this.

    Mine are 3.4.10,&11, and there are days I wonder if I can get through without fucking it up royally, again. I haven’t slept through the night since 2003, because even if they’re all asleep, my brain is all “HA HA NUH UH!” and keeps me up thinking about how I need to paint over the water stain on the living room ceiling.

    • Rebecca

      Ha ha.

      Kid one (1987): WTF? Babies don’t just sleep through?
      Kid two (1989): I know all this shit. I have this down. Best. Mother. Ever.
      Kid three (1991): I would apologise on bended knee to all mothers everywhere for my previous smug arrogance but I am too exhausted to kneel down or speak more than one coherent word at a time. Worst. Mother. Ever.
      Kid four – there was no kid four as I just couldn’t do the years of sleep deprivation torture ever again.

  • Betsy Peacock

    You’re so real and you tell it like it is. Kids can be seriously be monsters. Mine particularly. My almost two year old will NOT sleep through the night, and now is climbing out of his bed and traipsing around the house at all hours. I work full time as a caregiver in a long term facility and most days I’m sure my eye bags are hanging lower than my tatas. Parenting is difficult enough when things are running smooth and ‘perfect’ and your children are the modelesque little angels everyone on facebook portrays theirs to be. Why do we constantly bash on people?

  • Bec

    A) Amen on the maternity leave thing. I’m in the UK and had to return to work full time at 4 months because my maternity party dropped at that point to less than half my rent payment, and my husband had list his job. It felt like having my heart ripped out. I cannot imagine being forced back at a few weeks. I could barely sit properly at a few weeks.

    B) I did all the night stuff as well as working full time,because boobs, basically. My kids were bottle dodgers. I know that bone weariness well and hold all you tired mamas in my sleepy heart.

    C) that roll over thing to nurse on the other side? I am still nursing my 3 year old at night,but damn, you made me cry with those sweet memories. Remembering having to roll instead of being kicked in the gut and face as he climbs over for the other one. I never thought I would miss those night feeds, but you reduced me to tears, there.

  • Danyoolsan

    I thought to myself – “I don’t remember things being that hard!” And then I thought…actually, a VERY BIG part of the reason it wasn’t that hard is because I had the privilege of having almost 6 months paid maternity leave, a combination of my employer, government paid and then my annual leave. What kind of civilised country doesn’t support paid maternity leave? Having to go back to work when you have a 6 week old baby and 3 other kids is not conducive to happiness, or anything really. Sorry about your stupid system, you are rightly outraged about this issue.

  • Samantha Elder

    I just want to say, I appreciate your blog. Makes me feel “normal”

  • Kara

    I forgot about my three year old at the school art fest last night. She left me in search of chips. I bought more cake balls watched the show and gathered my other offspring. My husband told me later that the baby had been picked up by the Principle while shoplifting chips . All I could remember was the cake balls. Here’s to no sleep!

  • Emily

    Our sleep method is…I don’t care where you sleep as long as you sleep. We co-slept while nursing so I could doze while doing it. My oldest moved to her own room around 2 and our youngest (1 yr 10 mo) starts nights in her rooms and finds her way to our bed (sometimes at 9:30pm sometimes 6am) at some point. She gets in and falls right asleep. Why would I want to wake up and listen to her cry or drag her back to her room 10 times. No thanks. I’ll take my (gently interrupted) sleep.

    • Rebecca

      I spent years trying to “sleep train” three kids and the sleep deprivation aged me alot in my twenties. Reflective conclusion? we should have just bought a super-king bed at the outset,and let them all in when they needed it.

    • Allison Baker

      Amen.

  • Melissa B

    I would still sleep with all three of my girls if I had a bed big enough. But my 10 year old and my 5 year old take up WAAAYY too much room! But when my three year old crawls in bed with me and snuggles up against me every single night at 3am – I put my arms around her and sleep better than when she’s in her own bed. She’s my very last egg (I had her when I was 43) and I never want her to grow up!!! 🙂

  • Gai Gai

    My first kid has two little kids age 1 and 4. Me, I’m 65. 37 years ago I said FORGET THE CRYING IT OUT. IM NEVER DOING THAT. IM HAVING A HOME BIRTH AND NO HOSPITAL, AND NO ONE IS CONTROLLING ME. We did co sleeping for years. Nursing, co sleeping, nursing. My bedtime was their bedtime…. and sneaking out of the room when they were asleep was the only way to fly. But they woke up whenever they needed to and all four of us ended up in the same bed for about 7 years. I have watched my daughter do sleep training. I watched it work and not work. And I’ve witnessed her bone tired exhaustion and viruses. I confess…….. watching my kid drag herself through the day and night makes my heart ache and slam inside me so hard and loud I can’t sleep……….. and I’m 1200 miles away. I’ve only learned one thing. Our civilized culture has it wrong. Comforting our kids is essential. And maternity leave for a year is much more civilized than sleep training.

  • Alison

    The only person who’s trained in any way is me. To wake up when they need me whenever. And to function like a semi-human being for the rest of the day. I’m still alive, so there’s that. I’m a loser! 🙂

  • Vicki

    I think you’re awesome! If everyone survives, you’re doing it right! Hugs and kisses and hopes for sweet dreams, eventually. It’ll all be over before we know it and then we can spend their inheritances!

  • Traci

    Suck loser? Really? Ny baby is 9 months old. She has been sleeping through the night since 3months of age. No “sleep training ” needed. Just good parenting.

    • Katmando

      Having one 9 month old baby does not make you an expert on anything. I honestly think you are an asshole. You may not be so lucky of heaven forbid you have another child. Then you can eat your “good parenting” words. You suck.

    • KG

      Sorry, but at 3 months old your baby isn’t responding to your “good parenting” you just got lucky. Sometimes these babies manage to sleep like a teenager instead of a baby…although I’m not sure why so many parents are in such a hurry to take this precious newborn baby complete with a collection of charming and pretty standard baby behaviors and rush them right out of this beautiful stage (just a blink of their lives) and expect them to sleep like an adult, why can’t more parents just enjoy the sweetness of witnessing babyhood at its own pace…no training needed, they’ll grow out of it when they are ready.

      Anyway, who ever said its good parenting for a young infant to sleep through or ignore feelings of hunger and/or ignore their instict to cry when they have a basic need to fill (either through training or lack of parental response leading to a why bother attitude?)

    • Emily

      My baby started sleeping through at 9 weeks, completely of her own accord. It had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with my parenting. I responded to her every whimper – she could have woken every hour and I would have responded. I was FREAKING LUCKY and that’s it.

      By the way, she is 3 now and she NEVER FREAKING SLEEPS. So, look forward to the years to come and how all your awesome parenting works then.

    • SLO

      To the person who thinks she has it all figured out – I am afraid I smirk slightly in the face of your naïveté. Children are puzzle boxes, that you spend their whole fantastic childhood figuring out. How tedious if at 9 months the puzzle was solved – I assure you it isn’t and your sleep words will come back to haunt you. Also you have flouted the comment policy for which you should be chastised. The moniker of ‘good parent’ I am afraid will not be yours to call your own since you have torn down others to make yourself feel good. Time out for you… I have children who sleep and don’t sleep whatever their whim and the night brings whatever it does. I think you can affect the sleep of children with giganto effort but not really alter who they are as sleepers fundamentally – and they are all so different. People who are smug parents should, perhaps, be shot.

      • Kevie

        I love this. *high five*
        Unfortunately I should admit I probably would have had the same attitude if my girl slept thst well. I’m only on #1.

      • Tammika Kelly

        High five on this comment!!!. I have a 10, 4, 2, and 4 month old and trust u never get the same thing twice.

      • Christine

        Perfect response!!! I love it. Many almost 5 month old does something different every few nights. I just have to roll with it. I have no desire to sheep train him. I just want to love him and be there when he needs me.

    • KW

      Ha ha, “good parenting”! Fucking hilarious.
      My first baby did the same, sleeping without so much as a peep for 13 hours a night at 15 weeks of age (fully breastfed). Of course it was my fucking awesome attachment parenting which did it. Then I had another baby and I kissed my sleep goodbye and at 18 months, still spend my days trying not to dig my eyeballs out of my head with a frigging spoon. Your “good parenting” might also work with your next kid, but you will more likely find you’ve got fuck all to do with it and it’s just who they are.
      If you mean you trained your baby by making her cry until she gives up on you (as her instinct is designed to do), I hate to think what sort of psychological damage your fucked up ‘good parenting’ has done.

    • Kim

      I’m honestly hoping that your comment was meant to be satire. I don’t judge sleep training vs non, but attributing your ONE child sleeping through the night from 3 to 9 months to “good parenting” is absolutely ludicrous. What exactly did YOU do if you didn’t sleep train. You had an easy baby, that’s not good parenting, that’s the luck of the draw. Just wait till molars come in, or walking, or fevers and viruses. And if you get out of this one without shattering your delusion, please tell us how number two goes. I have three. They have all had times where they sleep and times where they don’t. They like go switch it up just to keep me guessing. Get some more experience under your belt before you start bragging on yourself. You are much less likely to put your foot in your mouth. Thanks for the laugh!

    • Rebecca

      ah you remind me of myself. After two babies, I too thought it was my stellar parenting skills. Then we had #3 and all hell broke loose. I remember my husband and I standing, wild-eyed in our living room, in the middle of the night, repeating over and over “what the hell does he want? why doesnt he stop crying? why won’t he sleep?”. 25 years on, and those memories still traumatise me, and I feel eternally apologetic to all mothers everywhere for my smug arrogance before #3 came along. Do yourself a favour and be a bit more humble about the current, lucky situation you find yourself in.

    • Lynn

      Incredibly arrogant and naive. One little infant that sleeps through the night and you’re crowing about “good parenting”. Meaning…everyone else who has babies with sleep issues are “bad parents”. Why do people do this? Take down others in order to feel better about themselves? Low self esteem? False sense of self?

    • Ruby

      don’t. feed. the. troll.

  • BridgieMoore

    With twins and co sleeping we did end up sleep training at 8 months… But those lovely babies still wake once a night, sometimes more and, sometimes sleep through. They do what they want, they are babies. Haha. Love your writing.
    Also, have you seen the letter to a mom from baby about sleep training the momma. It’s fucking hilarious…. I’ll try to find it and post a link if I can!!

  • Hannah

    You are my hero. Thank you.

  • Lisa

    My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until after his 2nd birthday and it wasn’t because he was trained it was because I wasn’t home to nurse him in the middle of the night as I was away on a business trip. He was cried for a full hour the first night, still tried again on the second night and then didn’t try on the third night. My husband proclaimed that he was sleeping through the night when I got home but that only lasted two nights when he realized that I was there when he wanted to nurse at 2am. Sometimes they need comfort, sometimes they need a quick drink – it’s not a big deal and I am tired of other people judging each other about it. How quickly you get your kids to sleep through the night IS a badge of honor for some moms. I’ve never been one for badges. But then again I was the mom that breastfed her baby until he was three and that freaked a LOT of people out.

  • Erika

    OMG THANK YOU. Your post was linked to me through a support group for Postpartum Depression/Anxiety and I absolutely love this post and your blog. Your honesty and humor is so liberating! I’m a first time Mom with a 4 month old and have heard the constant barrage of “well just lay her down and let her cry for 15 mins, she’ll be fine” or “you know, she’ll need to learn to sleep on her own someday.” What they don’t understand is she is super strong-willed and would not cry for just 15 mins…it would be HOURS on end and she would hold out until the last possible moment to fall asleep in a state of utter distress which I am SO NOT letting happen. I didn’t plan on co-sleeping but did out of necessity in the first few weeks because I was just beyond dead tired. Little one slept GREAT and I slept a lot better too! We haven’t looked back since. So I hear you Mama and thank you so much for writing. 🙂

    • KG

      I know what you mean! I heard that one too, and at first it stressed me out, I was believing all of it! All the helpful family members convincing me that rocking her to sleep or not laying her down “drowsy” so she falls asleep on her own was ruining her. She’s destined for a lifetime of sleep Problems if I dont teach her how to fall asleep now! Then one day I just thought, get a grip…she won’t be calling me from her college dorm at bedtime each night so I can sing her to sleep, and Come to think of it, I don’t know one single grown person that doesn’t know how to fall asleep on their own and I’m sure there are plenty of people who weren’t taught as infants…and yet by some miracle they did learn how to go to sleep somewhere along the way!

      Your baby is only this tiny once, why would you want to spend these days with her screaming and you stressed and miserable? Do what feels right amd what makes you happy and your baby happy…Despite what some “baby experts” will say, the window for learning how to fall asleep is not that small, haha, ..its like “sleep train early or they’ll never fall asleep at bedtime again! (Daughter has been in our bed since she turned 1 yr old and she’ll be five next month, i dread the day she says she wants to sleep in her own bed I love snuggling with her!

      • Emily

        Did you know that “self- soothing” is actually a developmental milestone that they don’t achieve until 3-4 years old or even later, depending on the child? Do you know they BIOLOGICALLY cannot “learn to put themselves to sleep” until way past the baby years? They can learn that you won’t come and stop trying but that’s not the same thing.

        I have rocked and cuddled my baby to sleep her whole life. She is 3.5 now and has started saying “I want to go to bed now” and we lie in her bed and she falls asleep. I thought I would be rocking her to sleep in my arms in high school, but she started doing this completely of her own accord when she was ready. Life is so much sweeter when you block out all the “shoulds”, decide against a stress and drama filled house, and just choose to trust your gut and go with what feels good. Nothing is ever a problem unless it’s a problem for YOU.

        • Laura

          Thanks for this comment, Emily. I’m currently lying with my 8 month old while she naps (she won’t nap without being held or without me lying next to her letting her nurse) and your words made me feel all right. =)

        • Christine

          Thank you!!!! I needed to read all of this! I get so stressed thinking I’m screwing my baby up but then i remind myself how much i will miss these days, yes, even at 3am.

  • Diane McCurdy

    Both my kids slept through the night right away…..a teaspoon of mush at 10:00 PM…..that is all it took…..now they (whoever “they” are) say it is a bad technique but it sure worked. I have always been a light, restless sleeper but if I don’t get some shut eye I am suicidal and homicidal. Those babies, now in their fifties, seemed to have survived.

    • Cita Crefeld

      While this might have been the state of the scientific knowledge back then, please be careful writing this kind of ‘help’ as science has moved on a lot and the risk factors of ‘mush’ or food of any kind under at the very minimum 4 months (which science says is ok but NOT good) and better as close to 6 months as possible. Sleep deprived parents might read and try your trick having for some reason missed their health care providers guidelines and the reasons behind them – you may just catch them at a vulnerable point. However the risks to early solids are very very well established by bodies like the WHO etc. and most countries have adopted the guidelines. No mother should ever be supported to feed anything under 4, preferable 6 months no matter what the aim is unless their baby is under the strict medical supervision of a health care professional for some specific medical, not for a lifestyle choice.

  • Nicole

    Why aren’t more people commenting on the maternity leave thing? Because that was the most important thing you said. BY FAR. Frankly, the unpaid maternity leave bullshit in the US is fucking criminal, not to mention ridiculously detrimental for the health of babies and their mothers. The stress on families must be beyond enormous. How can a society/government think that’s OK? I just don’t get it. I’m Canadian, and I just went back to work after a full year of paid maternity leave. Here the government pays 55% of your salary to a max salary of $45K – so max about $1000 every two weeks after taxes for a FULL YEAR, and companies can (but don’t have to) top that up as much as they want (mine didn’t, but government jobs are topped up to 90% of your full salary)… AND you are guaranteed your job back, or an equivalent job, or severance if you are laid off in the meantime. Our system is not perfect – I know many moms that have been discriminated against for taking the full year leave – but it’s something. I honestly can’t imagine having to pass off my baby at just a few weeks old, never mind having to actually work in that mental and physical state. It’s seriously tragic. I feel for my sister mamas down south… and their babies. I hope this system changes for you all very soon.

  • Jolene

    I always think that my kids like us so much they want to spend the time with us, and you know what? They won’t be doing it in 10 years and I’m pretty sure I’ll miss it.

  • KG

    I have had my share of passive aggressive remarks such as: she still takes a bottle? You rock her to sleep? You still let her nap? You let her stop naps? She sleeps in your bed? All night? Every night? Her bed time is when? She wakes up that late? Or my favorite…”you did not just say you put a diaper on her so she can take a shit?”

    I have the same response to all of it, she’ll be fine, she’ll do it when she’s ready. I was 100% certain she wouldn’t be sleeping in our bed at 14, or asking her kindergarten teacher for a diaper and privacy so she could poop, or even drinking a ‘bot-bot’s” at her junior prom. Plus, letting her grow up at her pace, when her body andd brain were ready…and not when my needs said she should be ready.,,each transition was tear free, super fast and extremely easy on everyone.

    And now that she’s gonna be 5 in a month I’m so glad that I let her babyhood drag for as long as possible, its almost over already and I’ll have plenty of time to sleep when she starts attending slumber parties and having sleepovers with her girlfriends.

    • flo

      I had to smile over your post I admire you for being resilient and doing it your way and ignore other people

      and enjoy this next bit cos boy when they hit teens you will long for the past

      because basically once you are a parent sleep is a longed for but often missed opportunity the worry goes on so

      just grab it when you can and except all the help you can get your hands on

      happy days

      also why not start a campaign for paid mat leave as here in uk

      we have come along way in last thirty years

      go for it you never know what you can achieve till you start.

  • Nicole

    Hmm, my third kid (first boy) had been sleeping pretty great since I put him in a crib about 6 months… but now he turned 2 and climbs out and lets himself out of his room and comes to find me at 4 or 5 am and will no longer nap. It’s been a little rough! I remember now what sleep deprivation was like, and do have those grouchy spots before the coffee kicks in, for sure. Your baby is just too darn cute and you’re funny. Good luck.

  • Bea

    I have 3 kids aged 7, 5 and 2. Our first was a 7-7 sleeper at 6 weeks of age. I used to think I was the ants pants best sleep trainer on the planet. I had read the books, and voila… I got my baby to sleep ALL NIGHT. When we had baby number 2 who would not sleep all night I began to wonder about my awesome sleep training wizard skills. Along came baby number 3 who would not sleep longer than 2.47 seconds. She is now 2 and still wakes every few hours. So my theory? Some babies sleep, some babies don’t. You can read every book and learn every trick but some babies just don’t sleep. Which totally sux.

    • Prue

      Thanks for this! I have friends who have babies like your first baby which just sleep twelve hours overnight so easily. Whereas my baby wakes at least three to four times every night. They make me feel like I’m a terrible mum and they’re awesome. Today I want to give up. But I have been a long time follower of renegade mothering and this post makes me try to remember not to compare to other mums and realise it will be ok. Thanks.

    • Rebecca

      So, so true. #1 was an averagely poor sleeper (did sleep training which helped somewhat). #2 was a brilliant sleeper. #3 was the worst sleeper on the planet who didn’t “sleep through” until he was old enough to understand my point of view on how his waking Mummy all through the night made her grumpy the next day. That, and a star chart reward system, LOL so yes, he was over 3 before he stopped demanding my attention in the middle of the night. Most of the time, we have a lot less control than we would like over these little human beings, and maybe that’s what freaks us out the most when we are in middle of the sleep deprivation. You don’t know when it is going to end, you don’t know why the torture just won’t stop, and you feel powerless when you try tips and techniques and they just don’t work, or you can’t cope with the hours of crying. My #3 used to exhaust himself screaming, fall asleep for 30 mins, then awake screaming again. I have so many regrets at trying to sleep train him at about 6 – 12 months. 25 years later he is a great young man but he does have anxiety issues. I think my parenting probably contributed to that, but I was doing the best I could with 3 preschoolers and just trying to function. However, we should have just let him sleep with us for 3 years. Things would have been a lot more sane, but it just wasn’t a popular option 25 years ago.

  • Leslie

    You are doing it right. 🙂 I DID sleep train my first few (of five) due to some stupid societal expectation. It was so much easier to let my littler ones sleep with us until THEY were ready. My ten year old “baby” still crawls into be with us occasionally and I don’t mind at all. Because my first three are 20, 21, and 24 and I would give anything to have a nursing baby in bed with me again.

    • Rhoda

      The sleep thing was no picnic but to me a full year of keen treble farts and explosive turds from exclusive breastfeeding were even worse. DH used to leave the house because of the smell and DS would shriek in pain with the gas. We finally had to use the Windi catheter to relieve the farts.

  • Evelyn McLeod

    I have a 13 month old bad baby as well… And I’m a loser who won’t sleep train and just gives in to boob cuddles kicks to the head hair yanking and eye poking all night long…. Except when I loose my shit and the husband finally takes over…

    • AURORA

      omfg I’m laughing so hard… I feel your last sentence so much. Baby girl is finally asleep but instead of sleeping too I’m on the internet googling “co-sleeping is killing me” because I feel my skin crawling from being touched all day and night again but I just CANT LET HER CRY and reading these comments makes me feel like a normal stupid human being so thank you

  • Lainey

    You have saved me again! I’m constantly trying to understand and accept the resentment coupled with the love. You make me feel less crazy for feeling that way. Your comment about your oldest being 5 years from 18 really made me want to snuggle my 16 month old. As much as I want to bang my head against a wall, knowing that this is truly flying by makes me want to just stop and kiss his little head. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  • Charlie

    Hey Janelle, I have SO got it all together. My baby has been sleeping through the night (well until 5am) for months. I paid for a sleep consultant to help me rip my little bundle out of my bed so I could sleep so I could go back to work. Because I am the sole earner in my family and I had to put a roof over our heads and food on the table. He sleeps like a dream. Sure, the consultant helped, but ultimately he had no choice and neither did I. Luckily he’s an easy one. Funnily enough I am still sick with tiredness, living on carbs, putting on weight, occasionally homocidal and short tempered as hell….because I work at least 12 hours a day and breast feed twice a day and study the rest of the time. And miss him like it will kill me. My baby sleeps like a dream and yet I so long to sleep for the next month. I’m a LOSER too.

  • LaToya

    Arlo is so cute and sweet! My youngest will be one this week and he still sleeps with me (my husband has relented to sleeping with our 3 year old who now comes to get him in the middle of the night) and he STILL nurses throughout the night.

    Anyone who judges can effe off.

  • bianca vermeulen-smith

    Eugh. Thank you. This landed in my inbox at around 3am last night/this morning/ this lifetime and we were in the middle of a terrible night sleep. Spud, my 4 month old male monkey child, had slept great (woohoo! 4 hours in a row!) For 2 nights so of course he wasn’t going to sleep at all. I’d just lovingly told him to ‘shut the hell up, mate’ as I picked him up to boob which made my slept husband giggle groggily. This made me laugh and cry in sympathy and because I suddenly wasn’t alone. Thank you from one sandy eyed, zombie brained mama!

  • Jodi

    Our almost 5 year old daughter, slept thru the night at about 3 months old. It was blissful, sleep training not required.
    Now however, we’re probably going to be co-sleeping, or camping on her floor or something as she cannot seem to get thru the night without some irrational fear of something or nothing.
    It never ends, there’s no right and wrong, just whatever you need to do to get some shut eye to make you sane again in the morning

  • Sev Olinger

    Funny story. My wife and I were both active duty in the Army when our kids were born. The oldest would not sleep train for anything until he was about six months old. My wife had to go out on a training exercise for two weeks, and when she came home, the first morning she asked me how I got Chris to sleep through the night? I answered in true grunt fashion ‘I dunno. He never woke me up.’ I don’t know if that’s successful sleep training or bad parenting, but it seemed to work.

  • Jane

    Haha. Too funny, you have hit the nail on the head. I have three kids (eldest is 9) and I’ve spent the last 9 years in WTF land. There have been brief flashes of ‘hey, I know what I’m doing, my shit is together, how good am I?” And then that microsecond passed and life took over again…. I confess, though, my greatest joy was when my friend had her second baby who was the devil incarnate and thought sleep was for the weak …. suddenly she realised that her first sleeping through from 2 months had very little to do with her parental style 🙂

  • Jess

    I don’t seem to fit into any camp when it comes to sleeping. On one side, we refuse to let them cry it out or any kind of sleep training that involves crying alone.

    On the other side, I am so resentful that I have two non sleepers. I hate that I spend most of my evenings trying to get the preschooler to sleep and the rest of the night getting the toddler back to sleep. I hate that it feels like they are ganging up on us by tag teaming with their non sleep.

    I wish I loved those snuggles and appreciated the extra time with them, but I don’t. I just wish they would fucking sleep.

    • Kim

      What helped me a lot was my husband who asked me to quit “trying” to put the toddler to sleep. So I did. I gave him a bath and turned on Scooby-Doo. I just let him run around till he climbed on the couch and fell asleep on his own. In a few weeks he was telling me he was ready for bed and actually sleeping. Plus I was a lot less resentful.

  • aimee

    I am a loser too. I am so tired I have reached a state of constant bitchiness that my kids remind me of daily. I can’t string two thoughts together and when I have to get up for work at six am I want to die. The end.My 10 yr old sleeps in now in her own bed so this won’t last I remind myself..cherish it I remind myself even though I’m so tired I cry at commercials.Thank you for keeping it real:)

  • aimee

    Also…is it ok to lie to my ten month old’s pediatrician and say she sleeps all night in her crib?

  • Emily-Jane

    I feel your pain my friend. I too am a loser.

    I am sure you are far too tired to read this shit but if not here is how I successfully sleep trained my baby to sleep through the night…oh sorry, i mean how my baby trained me NOT to sleep through the night…

    http://stolensleep.com/2014/09/27/how-to-get-your-baby-to-sleep-through-the-night-in-just-two-years/

  • Natalie

    Thank you and amen. You have described the last 15 months if my life perfectly. I apppreciate that your 13 years spits on my 15 months from a high tower. However, boy was that a relief to read that the painful cheekbones was a legitimate condition and that love and resentment do mix (or so perfectly ) well together. It was also reassuring to find out from a pro-mother that bludgeoning one’s husband …ahmm occasionally considering that as an option is not something that happens only to me.

  • Kate Douglass

    Wow, it’s so sad to hear so many people struggling with life. Some things can be easy. My first baby, in routine before leaving the hospital, at six weeks removed the 2am feed, I used a dummy and rocked the baby back to sleep, they only wake three nights in a row and I used a dummy and a rock back to sleep each time and it’s done. 2 weeks later I removed the 10pm feed the same way.
    My second baby had colic so it was a little trickier, I used the co sleeper, then a wedge in the crib, the baby bean bags “pod” were also helpful.
    I read dunstons baby language and understood my babies demands. I massage my babies daily, and used techniques to help with colic. My 9 month old sleeps though the night and she certainly was not left screaming or throwing up to achieve this.
    I also have been working from home since my baby was 2 weeks old. I run two businesses.
    I don’t believe you should label yourselves losers. You may find it beneficial to read some helpful books.

    • Kellie

      I think you missed both the humor and sarcasm. We know we aren’t losers-we know our babies best. It’s just hard sometimes and that’s okay.

  • leah

    The language! Must be the sleep deprivation 😉 haha

  • Beck

    This makes me a little sad to think that other people might think that anyone who has a baby who slept through from early on has sleep trained their child. I don’t believe in sleep training but am very blessed to have a baby who slept through pretty consistently from about 4 months old. Listening to my baby cry hurts my soul and I would never let her feel like she has been abandoned so that she gives up and goes back to sleep. For me it was all luck and I am so grateful for it. I would never think that people who have bubs that don’t sleep well are losers and I hope that they do not think the same of me 🙂

  • jas

    My little girl has slept thru the night about 10 times in 16mths. I’ve had days when I wonder what I am doing wrong cos all but one other mother in our mums group have babies who slept 10-12hrs. Right from birth she was awake every 2hrs. As she has gotten older we get sometimes 3 and 4hr lots. I have never and will never sleep train as I just believe that we are here to provide for our babies and she lets me know what she wants. It doesnt mean she is or will be a spoiled baby. I have had many a ‘lecture’ from family and mummy friends on what I need to do to change it. But like my child health nurse said…. “its only a problem if its a problem” i dont consider it a “problem” its a god damn baby!!! Thats what they do!!!! Ive also felt judged as i still nurse her before bed and in the morning. Is she too old? Why do you give me a funny look if i say im still breastfeeding. Shit… should i do it in public anymore or will people be looking at me like i have an 8yr old hanging off my tit????

    And then 3 days ago my 16mth old took a tumble from the kitchen sink and landed very horribly on her head and neck. Thankfully she is okay!!! But all of the above in those few seconds have become nothing to me!!!! In fact now I am at risk of feeding her and cosleeping till she is 8yrs old cos i nearly lost her and i dont care what anyone thinks!!! Haha. You do you and I’ll do me!

  • Bianca

    I’m that mum you so graphically describe that lets her baby scream and scream until she vomits because I am an uncaring, unemotional human being……..NOT. I sleep trained using the approved CIO method and unless you have ACTUALLY read the method and/or tried it I believe you don’t and shouldn’t have an opinion on it because this whole scream until they vomit is SO far from the truth it’s ridiculous. I am astounded that mums like me who use the CIO method are subjected to such criticism. I do not believe co-sleeping is good actually I think it is terrible as it only makes for a bad habit that is hard to break but I would never slam any mum for doing it, that’s their decision. What I don’t understand is why are babies who co-sleep still not sleeping through the night? Surely this oh so wonderful set up the baby should be so happy content why not sleep through? My daughter since 12 weeks has pretty much slept through the night. We have the odd occasion of wake ups but that’s generally down to the farm dog barking at the wing waking her up. She is a superb self settler so needs little reassurance. She is happy healthy weighing in at 11.3kg at 11 months. She loves sleep, playing, bring held by everyone and anyone and sheds no tears when left at daycare. She is one content little girl who knows she is loved to the moon at back. So I ask, where’s the evidence of my sleep training CIO method that suggests babies are scarred, emotional unattached and will suffer in later life? I have had my say only thing to add is that I get a nice solid 8hrs of sleep which allows me to function normally throughout the day

    • Kim

      Sorry, you totally missed the point here. If you were a loser you would get it, but you are obviously a perfect parent so I doubt you ever will.

    • KW

      Bianca, I think you have done what is best for you and that’s fine, just as anyone else does what they need to in order to survive.

      Just don’t hang your hat on one baby, it may come back to haunt you. My oldest slept through 12-13 hours a night from 15 weeks of age.
      NO crying at all (I didn’t need to use CIO or anything remotely close to it, NO co-sleeping, NO dummy, NO comforter, NO anything. She just wanted to sleep in her own bed and did it easily and well. I reckon you might have one of those too.

      As for my next one, he is a totally different kettle of fish and I have had to adapt my ideals in order to survive. We do co-sleep and he sleeps all night (NO feeds) he just needs warm flesh next to him.

      I am ok with sleeping with him as it is calm, contented for us both and the norm for all of civilisation in the history of the human race (apart from Western society in the last 80-90 years or so). It is not dangerous, and it doesn’t affect any one else so i couldn’t give a rat’s arse what anyone else thinks of it.

      All the best for your good little sleeper, and all the best for being lucky enough to have a coupe more because that’s what it is…. Luck.

      P.S. there is no info on this page about CIO effects however I have done a little research myself (due to pondering whether to use it for my boy, and yes, I have read it and I know what it entails) and have found a few referenced and peer-reviewed studies which have indicated some issues later in life with a link to CIO. This is something you can look into yourself if you feel so inclined but in a nutshell, refers to many adults who now have sleep issues or health problems being sleep-trained as youngsters with CIO, particularly when used on babies younger than 6 months of age due to their developmental state.
      Just food for thought, and the reason I now prefer to co-sleep than force my boy into a state he will reach on his own soon enough anyway.

  • Heather

    Gold pure fkn gold!
    It read how my brain literally worked when sleep deprived with a baby who would only sleep on me with colic and reflux and no partner to help (thank god for nannas)
    Your brought a smile to my face today and I thank you
    Let us know if you turned yogi and your retreat

  • Helen

    i just laughed til I cried – that weird hyena hysterical cackle that isn’t unlike hysterical crazy man crying….
    Maybe I am just really tired (in fact, there is no maybe about that) but that is the funniest parenting blog I have ever read.
    I just sent it to all my ‘loser’ friends so they can release some endorphins in a snotty, hysterical cackle also.
    Thankyou!

  • Shay

    I LOVE THIS! This is so where I am at right now. I have an almost two year old who still likes to nurse and rock before bed and if I’m lucky- stays in her crib until she wakes up at 1, 2 or 3AM to nurse and eventually we both just fall into my bed and restlessly go back to sleep until I have to wake up for work. As always thanks for sharing such an honest and hilarious post!

  • Haley

    YOU ARE THE MOTHER-FUCKING BOSS!!!!

  • Suzanna

    Even though you’re in California and I’m in Sydney, Australia – can totally relate to this blog, and all the comments left. Will get my partner to check this out because he thinks our 4 month old is the only one in the world not ‘sleeping through’.

  • Biljana

    Hysterically crying until they vomit on themselves is a bit overkill. Do you honestly think any parent would allow their baby to cry that much? Your post has slammed and put down many many great parents. So much for not judging others on their parenting.

  • Di

    A good read. I was so OVER the emails and friends telling me to sleep train and ‘older’ mums couldn’t believe that my son was still waking. Our wonderful, HAPPY boy is 11.5 months old and wakes once for a feed in the night. He is hard to put to sleep sometimes, this in not because he is being naughty (they are too young to be!) but needs to go potty. How horrible would i feel if i let him cry, when all he wanted to do was a poo, after which he falls to sleep in his cot. I LOVE him way to much to ever let him cry and cry. It makes me SICK the people who do. Thanks for making us mums feel we are doing a good job smile emoticon

  • Dalys

    Thank you for writing this! I tried desperately for 3.5 years to sleep train my almost 4 yo. Still no success. Took her to sleep school twice. Went to a paediatrician. Tried EVERYTHING. Just behavioural apparently… always our fault. She wakes up and just can’t get back to sleep. For hours. Now with my 11 month old who is also the most stubborn person in the universe (and also maybe the cutest) I just get by. Day by day. Lucky enough to have a husband that supports me, and lucky that my son at least likes to sleep next to me (or lie awake next to me while I doze). Sleep training works if the baby wants to be sleep trained and that is that. All you people who’s babies sleep, you don’t know what it is like. It is a different parenting experience. Complete and continuous exhaustion. It’s awful. I’m so grateful to Mummy bloggers who aren’t afraid to tell it like it is. You keep me sane. 🙂

  • Rose

    Wimmin!
    Stop and think a moment… If you are a stay at home mum, why have you assumed therefore – as most commonly happens – that you will do the night time duty??? No, wait! Hold on! NO PAID WORK that your partner is doing is more important than what you are doing. My friend’s husband was the one who woke in the night to the baby, positioned the baby to the breast, changed the baby’s nappy and resettled baby to sleep. My friend SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT AS SHE HAD TRAINED HERSELF TO DO, because as they saw the world, she needed her sleep to enable her to parent all day and her husband just needed to [insert whatever job here]. At the very least the night time disturbances ought to be a shared activity, so that both parents might be close to almost enough sleep. Discuss.
    Also, for a baby/child who really is difficult to settle it can be worth a trip to the food intolerance network as sadly so many sleep issues are caused by other than your poor parenting or your child’s utter recalcitrance. Best wishes

  • Heidi

    I’ve been a longtime reader without ever commenting, but every single post just hits me like a set of bricks in the heart. Thank you for putting into words what I’ve been feeling. Just thank you.

  • Sam

    Awesome piece of writing. You captured the reality brilliantly – super awesome read!!!!

  • espy

    This is hysterical – as always! I remember those horribly sleep deprived days. For two days my shampoo just would not WORK and I’d go to work feeling like a total slob. Finally, on the third day I realized I’d been trying to shampoo with the conditioner, hah.

    But, I just really wanted to say, NOT to convince anyone to do ANYthing…But, for those Moms who HAVE to get out and drive to work, or carpool or whatever…Sleepy driving is as-or-more dangerous than drunk driving. So, there should be no shame in sleep training. No one can love all their babies perfectly, we are all flawed humans.

    Even 30 years ago when I had kids, I can look back now and wish I hadn’t thought every damn decision was so life determining for them every minute of every day. I made us all crazy trying to be the perfect nursing-careering-earth-mother. Read too much parenting propaganda. Perfect.Does.Not.Exist.

    For an example: the difference between a diamond and a colored stone is an irregularity that occurs at regular intervals in the crystal. Just like that, our flaws make us who we are, crazy, beautiful, they give us depth and color. Losers rule.

  • Eszter

    I’m an official fan now:)
    On maternity leave: I’m from Hungary and we have been paid (in what percent of our salary I’m not sure of) up to 3 years of maternity leave. We have here several types of maternity-welfare from the state plus tax allowance. You are entitled for these until your cild is 3yo even if you went back to work in the mean time.
    You have the tax allowance and an other type of welfare till the child reaches the 18th birthday. It’s not much, and getting back to work is difficult, but it’s normal for us to stay home for 1 to 3 years with our babies. Getting back to work after 6 weeks is extremely rare. Actually, during those weeks we are considered handicapped (in a good sense, in a take it easy way). You can take your baby to nursery after he/she is one year old- it’s optional, there are state-sponsored and private ones too. After 3 years you are now obligated to take your kid to your local state-sponsored preschool kindergarden. Those who have more income can take their kid to private-preschools, but they are in minority.
    In general we have a lot to learn from you, but in this case we are the lucky ones. I hope someday you will achieve the same rigths, because I think your system has serious drawbacks.

  • Justine the Stepmom

    Hi, I have read through a lot of your posts and read almost all of the comments in that crazy-awesome-clusterfuck about childless people thinking we are losers with our toddlers and stained shirts. I follow you on instagram and I just want to reach through my computer screen and hug and kiss your whole family. I love seeing all of the amazing parents on this blog commenting and coming together, but I am also like, “where are all of you??? why arent we friends?!?” I would seriously have an actual social life if I could meet some of these people in the real world. But until we get to go to that conference you mentioned in one of your posts, just, thank you so much for creating this place where clueless parents can go and rant and talk and not feel judged and tell the judgy ones to fuck off. You are the best. Keep co sleeping and breastfeeding.

    Love,
    Justine

    • justine

      haha ditto from another Justine 🙂

  • Heather

    right there with you.. sleep actually has flavour. when I wake up the taste lingers the same as the last mouthful of a desert that wasn’t big enough

  • justine

    just fell in love, LOVE, WITH YOU as a writer. Wicked honesty, will be back for more 🙂 sincerely equally sleep deprived momma of four!

  • Lady

    I have raised 3 kids, the last is currently 2.5 years old.

    From hospital she was unsettled and fed all day everyday (severe tongue tie diagnosed at 2.5 months). Due to the nature of my work, I had to return to work straight away so it meant baby was in a hugabub on me whilst I worked and then she travelled interstate with me at 2.5 weeks for work.
    Around 8 weeks she started sleeping long stretches, people told me I had magic milk and I believed them. Come 9 months and she took 2 hours to settle, woke every 45 minutes, and I was working 100+ hour weeks. I also had little support, I have PTSD and a few chronic health issues which are affected by lack of sleep. I had every excuse to sleep train.
    The reason I chose not to, is that I want to treat her how I would want to be treated.
    So I surrendered to the process, told myself it would take as long as it took and that No one goes to their deathbed wishing they hadn’t held their baby so much. I cleaned up my diet, started seeing a counsellor again and got 30 mins a week of nurturing self care time. That combined with babywearing for naps, and a sidecar cot meant I got enough sleep to survive. And soon enough, she fed for 10 mins, crawled into the sidecar cot and fell asleep for 7 hours. I kept checking her every 20 mins to make sure she was breathing. Now she’s continued with the long stretches, night weaned herself and at 22 months asked for her own seperate bed.
    All the people who lectured me about spoiling her because she was my last, rod for my back yada yada, are now the people asking me for advice and commenting on how content, secure, confident and fiercely independent she is.
    Sure I was tempted to sleep train, 3 nights of crying and she’d be fixed right? Then I remmeber my mama instinct is there for a reason and that there are other things I can put in place that can help, other than sleep training.
    It amazes me that people automatically go to sleep training but don’t look at anyones diet, parental anxiety levels etc.
    also, all the parents with kids the same age who sleep trained, now have massive battles at bedtime, big emotional meltdowns from their kids frequently and night waking.

    The books “babycalm” by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, and “how not to f*** them up” by Oliver James were really helpful to me and still are.

    Loser and proud of it. I have 3 secure confident children who’ve never been sleep trained. I am not a super mum or anything like that. I just do the best I have with what I have at the time. And I remember to lower my expectations on my kids and to always try to respond with empathy.
    https://www.isisonline.org.uk/how_babies_sleep/normal_sleep_development/

  • Brittany

    I have three children, one is three weeks old and the next oldest is one. My oldest just turned three and none of them sleep through the night. I’ve had a really hard time transitioning into the last two, they were unplanned, and to have them I lost my relationship with my first son. The two youngest still wake up all night, and it’s gotten to be a really tremendous struggle, and I find I completely agree and understand this post to the fullest. I know the resentment with a love mix. I know the begging yourself to do something just so they can be sleep trained for half an hour so you can sleep before you fall completely into insanity. And the partner part…. omg, I ABSOLUTELY understand that feeling. I just had to respond to this, I normally do not respond to blogs… I’m not a blogger myself. But I’ve wanted to make a blog about this same thing but I was afraid people would misunderstand, call me a bad parent… thank you for being the woman I’m not.

  • Sobbing mama

    Thank you, i am crying out of releif because my nearly 3 month old constantly fights sleep, has the shittiest non existing sleep patterns, is colicky, doesn’t cry but screams at night… I tried amost everything; the kid even hates swaddling! Everytime family asks about him, they ask does he sleep yet? And i get the looser feeling because i have to answer as though my child is broken and i can’t fix him. Most nights i “give in” and he ends up cosleeping with my husband and i… A pathetic solution from unexperienced parents of course! Thanks for making imperfect ok.

  • So Tired

    This was a great read, funny because it’s sad but true, so thank you! And absolutely point #1 is WTAF is wrong with this country that we don’t have paid maternity leave?!?!?!?! But while we’re waiting for the dicks (literal and figurative) in Congress to pull their heads out of their asses, it’s at least a little reassuring to know that we’re all in the same crappy sleep-deprived boat. My breastfeeding 33wk preemie is almost 1yr and is up almost all night. Even tho we co-sleep I always wake when he does, and it’s so hard to get back to sleep, especially when he decides he wants to do summersaults around the bed or my personal favorite, body slam his rock hard baby skull into my head, cheekbones, collarbones, shoulders. I work f/t outside the home and have been struggling with PPD which I’m positive is not being helped by the chronic lack of sleep and unsupportive husband who doesn’t think there’s any problem and is getting frustrated with not having his wife back yet. We did try a gentle sleep coaching method a month ago with a little improvement, but it was stressing me out so much I had a meltdown and we gave up. Now we’re back at square one and I feel like an utter failure, hopeless that it will ever get any better. Well there’s my sob story. Thanks again for the giggle. Have to laugh to keep from crying, right?

  • Jo

    Love love LOVE this article and the comments attached. Thankyou for making me feel like I am doing alright by my kids by doing it my way, and not how a book our sleep expert tells me how I should be doing it. Before I had kids I thought letting them sleep with you was not being strong willed enough to get them to sleep in their own cot or bed. 2 kids under 2 later I realise that it’s survival that counts, and getting sleep any way you can without feeling the worst mum in the world for letting them cry. Now we have sleep overs where I sleep in my daughter’s room on a mattress on the floor with my 1 year old snuggled next to me, and when I do get some sleep I love hearing the sound of them all breathing and knowing we are in the same together.

  • Flikca

    I love you. I just LOVE you. Dont hate me for this, it is ment to feel all the sleep deprived mothers better. After four years (2 kids) of co-sleeping, constant breastfeeding, comforting,… It has happened. My younger one weaned and both of them sleep (occasionally 🙂 through the night! Now I need to learn to sleep throught the night again, but Im already getting better at it!!!

  • Georgina Cullen

    Ha. I’m a George. That made me LOL hard! Spot on. Your eyes opening and think ‘oh shit’ EVERYTIME! At 11 months the Frankie had just decided to occasionally sleep through, this happened after a weekend alone with her father. Why? Who fucking knows!

  • Melissa

    There is such a thing as good parenting. And before you all jump on me as well as poor Kara, please consider that I have 3 kids under 4. I also worked as a cop for 8 years and saw firsthand what parenting with no boundaries actually does to kids.
    Yes, I am that right wing ruthless conservative mum. I don’t do attachment parenting, I don’t cosleep, and my kids are in bed from 7.30(ish) until 7am. The first child I had the time and focus to feed her thoroughly, and she started sleeping 9+ hrs straight from about 11wks. The second came along straight after and I was so tired and run down that I couldn’t feed him properly, so I was in your self-described “loser” world until he was about 16 weeks old and then finally gave up and let him have bottles. And because he was fed, he started sleeping through from then.
    My third is now 10weeks old. And this time because I’m fitter and healthier and particularly focused on keeping my milk up because I understand the benefits, he is what you’d call a “lucky” baby. He sleeps about 6-8hrs straight most nights in the bassinet beside my bed, and is only 10weeks old. I put him in his own nursery cot during the day as we’ll transition him in there full time in about three weeks.
    I have been in the position that you write from. And I get that a lot of what you write is meant to be sarcastic and sort-of humorous because of that tone. But I don’t think it’s fair to berate those of us that take a more rigid approach to our parenting OR to assume that we are either heartless or are condemning you for choosing differently. As for judging you, I WILL judge you – the same way that I judge all styles of parenting that I see in order to learn what’s likely to be best for me and my family. It’s called wisdom.
    But don’t you think that good parenting (while not all about kids sleeping through) is actually about having some boundaries both for yourself and your kids? If my second hadn’t got to the stage of sleeping through due to ruthless parenting (and there were at least two nights where I was so exhausted after waking 5 times to try and feed him that I just wrapped him up and took him to the other end of the house and shut all the doors so I could get 3hrs sleep) then I would have taken way longer to realise ten months later when he developed osteomyelitis in his knee that something was actually wrong. Because for the first 3 days he was just grizzly and waking repeatedly at night with a hot leg.
    We’re all winging it in here. It’s not always about having a lucky baby – good parenting is about being attuned to what your kid needs in both the immediate and long term. That varies for each of us.

    • Kerrin

      Hmmm, this ‘good parenting’ to get a baby to sleep when and how it suits a parent is nothing like setting boundaries for behaviour etc during the day.
      Effectively, you are promoting that in order for your child to be disciplined to sleep, some parents have no choice but to close the door and walk away, or risk their child being a delinquent in the future? That is absolutely laughable.

      To leave a baby alone, in distress and potentially lying in their own vomit from crying so hard is possibly a precursor to some of the issues you found yourself facing ‘on the beat’.

      I’m glad for you your babies did what you needed them to do. But to suggest that because I would never let my babies cry means they run roughshod over me during the day is so fundamentally wrong that I am shaking my head at the illogicality of it.

      • Melissa

        Kerrin, please quote me where I ever said that I let my child cry until it vomited? And while you’re at it, please also provide some stats for your assertion that children who sleep 12 hrs a night from early on have behavioural/criminal issues later on.
        Children that are left unattended, I wholeheartedly agree with – but the opposite is the case when it comes to good sleeping and learning behaviours, and growth in general.
        While I was ruthless in my own words with my kids, I used a video baby monitor. My kids might have sooked or grizzled a bit when going to sleep but I never let them go to what some ppl have described on here as “distress”. They were certainly never even close to hysterical or being sick. That’s why it’s called CONTROLLED crying, and as I stated in my OP, that is precisely why I knew something was actually wrong with my son when he had osteomyelitis. Clearly you didn’t read my post very thoroughly?

  • Sophie Lovett

    Yay for losers who don’t insist on sleep training their babies! I have never got how leaving the tiny human you are in charge of to cry to the point of vomiting is even vaguely ok. My tiny human needed me every two hours, pretty much, until he was two. Then he decided that sleeping was actually pretty cool and gives me from 9ish till 7ish every day plus naps. Bliss. It’s nice to know that he’s worked it out even though I’ve been pretty lax on the whole authoritative parenting thing. We live in a weird world… X

  • brenda

    You nailed it! LMAO so hard I’m crying! I thought I was the only one. This is MY story to a T.
    Thanks Mama

  • AnitaRex

    i just thought to myself well my breast milk must taste better than yours since my baby doesn’t want to wait till morning ?

    • Kerrin

      Ha ha, love it!

  • Kim

    Although I love that everyone is banning together on this issue because it can certainly drain on ones sanity to be deprived of sleep. I am finding though that people with non sleeping children tell tales similar to those that claim “money can’t buy you happiness” Because the only people who sing that song are the people without money. I had a great sleeping child. And now under my advise, my sister has a 9 week old sleeping for 11-12 hours with one waking. I don’t believe you need to “sleep train” necessarily but you do need to lay some ground work when you bring that baby home. Books I found useful were Healthy sleep habits happy child and baby wise. I really went by the theory of my baby needs so many calories in the day. It’s up to me to decide when he gets them. So in the beginning I woke him up every 90 minutes in the day and offered him some food. Then I gave him his final feed at 11 or so and let him sleep until he woke up. Now by about 2 months or so he corrected his bedtime closer to 8 but by that time he knew night was for sleeping and day was for eating and napping. Just some food for thought for everyone.

  • Seth

    Hey, even I ‘demand the boob’ at 1 AM.

  • Kerrin

    Kim, I’m afraid you have both just been fortunate. Yes, it does happen. I noticed you mention you both have one child? I have two children. Both were assisted to sleep using methods in books like the one you mention, both were fully breastfed, yet were totally different sizes and are still, at nearly 2 and 4 y/o, completely different sleepers.

    While I believe your comments are well intentioned, I think you will find they come across to many as smug and condescending as you obviously have no idea how kids can be so different despite them having been ‘trained’ the same way.

    Some people do have 2 or even 3 great sleepers, other unfortunate souls have 2 or 3 crap sleepers. Heaven forbid they have more.

    I have always struggled to comprehend how as older kids or adults we all sleep so differently, yet as babies it is meant to be one size fits all. Do you function well on 5-6 hours sleep a night, and can’t sleep well the next few if you get more than 7 hours? That’s me. I have never needed the full 8 hours my hubby needs, and can tolerate a pretty high level of wakefulness. O
    thers aren’t so ‘lucky’. Maybe consider this before offering a one size fits all answer to people’s problems.

    • Melissa

      Actually Keeri , I have 3 under 4. That reading issue you have strikes again I guess. Maybe you need more sleep? Lol 🙂

    • Kim

      All I do know is that I have many women in my life. Some with a single child and some with many. And every mom I know who followed the instructions above have had successful sleepers. Unless there is a medical issue there is no reason for a child to be up several times in the night or to require someone to be sleeping with them. These are learned behaviors. So people can take it as smug all they like. I am not saying I invented this strategy. I am stating I followed it and it has proven to be successful again and again.

  • Crissy

    We did the whole co-sleep and I can trace back 5 generations of co-sleep in my family. Its a cultural thing for us so no American bashing against my family’s ways please. I’ve never missed sleep unless a baby was ill. I never understood sleep training. I have seen Moms do it Some were successful. Some lost more sleep. Moms with 6 or more children face challenges that a 1 or 2 child Mom who sleep trained never faced. Some Moms don’t believe in the methods used and find them barbaric. I agree with them. To each their own respective journey. Sleep training is only for the Moms who believe in it. For the rest of us there are endless ways. For the few unlucky Moms there is coffee!

  • JD

    I always feel like such a dick reading these because my 8 month old has been sleeping right through since three and a half months. 8-12 hours solid sleep every night. Well every night except two. Two nights in four and a half months. The pattern varies a bit but generally he goes down between 8-10:30pm and is up between 8-10am. (PS: No sleep training of any kind was undertaken, at any stage..)

    I think they call this heaven?

  • Crystal heinecke

    I can not even tell you how much I needed to read this today. I’m a single mother with 6 kids (8,7,6,4,2,and 13 months), and by far, the hardest thing is the not sleeping. There are no words to describe the exhaustion. The literal crying over spilled milk kInd of tired, because even the idea of having to clean it up takes more energy than you have. My little 2, who still night nurse,don’t sleep through the night and most nights I have at least 4 kids in bed with me. I never sleep, I hate waking up in the morning, and I hurt all the time. Thank you for such an honest view. It’s rough, but at least we know we’re not the only ones.

  • Moaney

    Are you a yogi yet…..because I NEED HELP!!! ??? My little lady is 1 on the 22nd and sleep is still barely existant in my household ?? I feel everything you have mentioned on a daily basis and end my night feeling guilt because she’s my baby and I’m supposed to only feel unconditional love …. Right?! I feel that for her I truly do, but I am a barrel of mixed emotions on top of it. We all know sleep deprivation is a form of torture, for real!! I’m in a my very own concentration camp dictated by my adorable little 11 month old!! #sleepproblems

  • Lu

    Loved this post!
    I am so so fortunate to have a 6-week-old who will already only wake once between 10pm and 7am, and I know that this is largely due to the misfortune of not being able to breastfeed, so she is a formula bub.
    I know I could never sleep train my baby girl. I wear her in a wrap for most of the day and firmly believe that you can’t spoil a baby! In 13 years’ time, she’s not going to want to cuddle me all day so I’m going to make the most of it.

  • Felicia

    Thank you for this. In my nonstop “googling” for answers to fix everything I came across your post as I sit here rocking and nursing my 4 month old daughter after fighting her all morning to take a nap. I’m sure it’s going to get better one day but it doesn’t seem like it bow and I am definitely winging it all the time. I thought with her being my second I would have this whole baby thing down but ha she has sure showed me. Oh well its nice to know I’m not going it alone.

  • Michelle

    I came across this post while searching for information about not being able to get my 3 month old to sleep in her crib. It came at the absolute perfect moment. I have been stressed out for the last couple of days because I’m so worried that by not having her sleeping in her crib at night or during naps was going to make it tougher and harder on her as she gets older. I kept telling myself not to worry about it so much but I’m a worrier. Today I cried several times thinking how I’m not doing a good enough job by just going with the flow. So thank you so much for this post and making me see that there are others out there feeling exactly the same way.

  • Leslie Hilary

    Took me 3 tries to finaly learn the holy grail…Home from day 1 straight in the crib at night on your chosen schedule. 2-3 months of 2 hr sleep shifts and youre baby will be sleeping for 8 hr shifts. Piece of cake. Fuck the bullshit of having your kids sleep in bed because your lazy ass doesnt want to get out of bed to feed. Suck it up for a short time or drive your self crazy long term. Yes, it is terrible to hear them cry, but babies do three things for the first 3 months: shit, piss, and cry, and if youre a baller a fourth thing of SLEEP. If you cannot handle that, donate your baby to planned parenthood and they will sell the parts of your child for profit to research companies after taking funds from our taxes anyways. (Sorry but i just learned about the selling baby parts and am sickened especially looking at my children and getting that wide ass smile of innocent joy).

    Good luck ladies and hope this advise helps 1 new mom and dad as I wish I would have done this with my first two.

    • NatesMommy

      Please take your vitriol elsewhere. I think you missed this when you posted your comment:

      ” Comment policy: try not to be a dick. “

  • Amber

    Loooooooooove. And so damn true.

  • Keller

    So my first really was a unicorn baby 7-7 from the time she was 3 months old. Now my second is a terrible sleeper. She gets up at 1 am and stays up til 3 or 4. I’ve co-slept and had her in her crib. she still wakes up. My husband said she was a marathon sleeper when I went out of town for three days so Wtf!!! I am so tired and I was so utterly unprepared for the lack of sleep. I’ve tried the cry it out but it lasts too long for me to handle. That’s okay I’ll miss this when she’s 15 right?

  • Uniqua

    I love this im only on baby number 1 but this is my every thought in a nutshell! Thanks

  • Aubrey

    Thank you so much for this. I too found this post by literally Googling “up crying because my baby won’t sleep”. Ezra’s never been a good sleeper but now he likes to play for hours in the middle of the night and I’m losing my grip I tell you. I guess that means I should let go? But it feels so right somehow to have a tantrum at night and want to scream and cry and hate the universe and then let him cry for five minutes in his crib in the dark and then go pick him up crying and kissing him and apologizing and…yeah anyhow, thank you. You make me feel like I’m not alone at least. It’s not just me in this crazy thing alone. Guh.

  • Katie

    You’re my hero and I’ve never commented anything before.

  • Felicity

    This is the best written piece i have seen on parenting on the internet ever and for that i thankyou. Mum of two who hasnt slept properly in 4 years. X

  • Allison

    This is the second time I read this post and it’s as refreshing and comforting as it was the first time I read this. And as I type this comment my little one, who just today is 7 months old, had gone a glorious stretch of sleeping through the night to all of a sudden not beginning two nights ago. And he comes into bed and I nurse him to sleep. Right now napping on my lap. If I may vent: I went to a 70th bday party last night and was told that babies Need to cry it out, that it’s good for them because down the road this will help with problem solving. Ummm, ok. What about my husband and I teaching him those things? I’m also a stay at home mom, a decision I shouldn’t have to defend, and another guest told me children that stay home with their mothers are less social than those that go to daycare. Well, I guess we’ll see! Uhh, I just want to know why can’t people – other women – just be supportive as it’s quite an amazing thing to be raising a child and I’m thrilled not to hear my son cry hardly ever and he’s one of the happiest babies I know. And for 7 months, pretty good with people. I’m sleep deprived and sensitive and I just want to keep doing what I’m doing without having to hear from others that it’s wrong.
    Thank you for this post! It’s real and raw and I can completely relate. I just wish I had the guts to tell it how it is when I’m faced with opinionated people.

  • Nicole

    Thank you thank you 💕 love to you renegademama and the rest of you mommas who get it. Nuff said for this stay home, exclusively breastfeeding, co-sleeping, loses her shit but wouldn’t trade it for anything momma to 4. 3 boys and 1 girl. 9, 7, 4 and 8 months!

  • Myrtle

    Yup. My husband and I are totally losers. Sometimes, when I tell people I’m so tired, I feel like I have no right to complain because we haven’t been able to have our baby cry it out in any form. And sometimes I wonder what state of crazy I will have to be in before I let her cry. But that state of crazy just hasn’t come, so…

  • Corina

    I could have written this, but my writing sucks almost as much as my sleep training. How is it that it took six weeks to latch and now six months later he won’t let go?! WTF? Stil laughing and filled with joy at having read this.

  • Donna

    God, I loved this. I myself…am a fucking loser.

  • Tina

    My sister is the loser. Trained my niece to sleep through the night within a month after fighting with her to actually use the crib my mom bought for months. Niece is almost one year. She’s reverted back to 4am waking makes me wanna pull my hair out since her mother isnt here to witness all the hard work it takes to get her bundle to sleep. All well at least she sleeps and i can teach the little one silly faces to show her mom mawhahaaa.

  • KM

    I’m reading this as 2:45AM sitting in a chair with a sleeping baby on my boob. Googling things because my husband has been convinced by someone (eh-hm, his mother), that their must be ‘something wrong’ with our 11 month old daughter, as she will not sleep through the night. So here I am at wake up number 1 (after 6 hours, not too bad), questioning my parenting choices. And he’s asleep, cozy in our bed.

    Never a good sleeper, our daughter suddenly/somehow/miraculously started sleeping for 10 hour stretches around 6 months, then abruptly stopped at 10 months on the dot. I had bragging rights for those 4 months (and diminishing circles under my eyes), but now have been trying to duplicate whatever I did before to try and get her there again, to no avail. Instead of gaining a complex, I knew this day would come.

    As the oldest of 4, I grew up knowing that STTN is the anomaly. My mother only had one ‘good’ sleeper out of all of us (not me), but we all pretty much were after 2 years old. My mom never made an issue about night wakings with her babies. To her it was completely normal, and being tired is what parenting is all about. She reminds me that you never really ever sleep well again anyway.

    But my MIL, who only had my husband, loves to brag about how he slept from the day she took him home from the hospital, where she delivered him naturally and without pain meds. And she breastfed. And he never cried. He was PERFECT (I sometimes wonder if we are talking about the same person). She’s constantly implying that our daughter is a ‘bad’ baby, I’m assuming because of my lousy genes/parenting. I should have seen this coming when she was comparing apgar scores in the hospital.

    Ah yes, it takes a village…to make you feel like less of a loser. Thanks for this post.

  • Alisha

    I just have to say, thank you so much for sharing this.. I got teary eyed. I feel so judged, like I should have it all under control, and that its my freaking fault like I’m totally screwing my kids up. And you know what, maybe it is all my fault, because I wasn’t good enough at sleep training. But guess what, I was and am doing the best I can and yes it still doesn’t feel good enough! My girl just turned one and last I counted I woke up 9 times… I know this isn’t normal. But with how much she gets up every night, (sometimes less, and sometimes it seems more) I honestly, truly do not have the energy to do anything but pick her up and roll her to my other side to feed her back to sleep. Maybe there was a couple times I could have tried to train her to cry herself back to sleep in the bassinet next to my bed and was so tired I didn’t care to deal with it as she screams and stands up and I lay her back down over and over and over because she’s too tall for the bassinet and we don’t have a crib yet because I keep telling myself I’m going to get her to fall asleep in my room on her own before putting her in another room… And a couple times I have been able to stay with her as she learns to put herslef to sleep. But nonetheless, I’m back to being up all night and too freaking exhausted to sleep train. I’m so glad though, that I’m not the only Loser out there… just. so glad. THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing this!

  • RaeKG

    I think that I would have laughed during much of this if I weren’t SO FUCKING TIRED. He (Leland – 8 months old) is peacefully napping and I work from home. He will put up a fuss, but go to bed in his own room later this evening. But then, sometime around 11pm, he will wake and insist by way of screaming that I take him to my room (my own fault) and no real rest will be had by anyone until it is time for him to nap tomorrow (of course it is only him that will sleep). At that time his father will likely be hundreds of feet in the air doing something very dangerous as his job dictates he does, and I will be here, staring at this screen.
    Fack. I am a loser.
    Thanks for the post.

  • Victoria

    Thank you … Your ‘grab and roll’ comment brought back vivid memories for me! Warm, beautiful memories. My youngest child is now 19, (youngest of 6- all of whom were breastfed and Co slept). Yes there were many days of functioning in a sleep haze and all those feelings you describe… And all the other times , especially with such a large family when in the middle of the night I would have my time with my little one.
    Thank you for putting me in touch with that other me 😊

  • jessica

    I laughed way to hard at this!! I also have wanted to beat my husband while he sleeps and I’m awake with the baby LOL!!! The struggle is real but I wouldn’t trade it for the world <3

  • Pixie Mama

    Just found ypur blog and it is as if you ate in my head. Love tjisbut hate it because it is all true and all me. Thanks!

  • Sonya

    WOW!I needed this so bad. I thought I was losing my mind. I even made an appointment with the psychiatrist. Good to know I’m not alone. It’s not fun feeling like you’re failing at putting your child to sleep, when all the new babies(3)around you sleep through the night.I just can’t bare hearing my baby boy cry. I had a heartbreaking miscarriage and I prayed continuously for another chance. He’s here and he won’t be little long, it’s going so fast as is.Thank you for sharing this. It really helped and it’s now 3:53am.and this little face makes life worth living.

  • Kat

    Wow i new i wasn’t the only one out there but damn reading all of this sure makes it feel like a weight is being lifted. My partner tells me that I’m doing an amazing job and I think to myself he’s only saying that because he likes having sex and so I won’t kill him in his sleep but mostly I feel like I’m just drownding and the baby is just sitting there watching me and there’s nothing I can do.. You know befor i had my beautiful son i had nooo idea that you can be soooo tired you feel sick like your ganna throw up.. yeah thats not cool ! And on the bad days i like to say my kids being a dick and you know what.. he is and some people look at me like .. whhhaat hes just a baby.. YEAH A BABY WHOS TRYING TO KILL ME.. so thanks for making it real and not sugar coating it like most the losets out there !

  • christina

    Thank you! I don’t feel like such a loser anymore☺

  • Ashley

    I have to say I was laughing out loud and crying a the same time. Not crying because I was laughing.. but crying because it’s just a relief to know I’m not alone. There are so many days that I feel like a complete and utter failure because my 12-month-old monster needs me ALL NIGHT LONG. She’s been through a lot in her short life and I feel like I owe it to her to be there… if only she didn’t need me so freaking much! I long for the days when she will no longer cry out for me… but then I’m sure one day I’ll long for these days when she did. Thank you for commiserating with me… and good luck with your sanity. If you’re anything like me, it’s hanging by a thread. 🙂

  • Vera-Ellen Watson

    I stumbled on this in delirium. And it immediately made me start bawling.Its relief that im not alone in feeling so angry and guilty and in love with my kid, who will not f’ing go to sleep. And upset that all the other people I know apparently have magic fairy babies who are sleeping and eating and playing and perfect. Thank you.

  • Amber Hancock

    I was hoping I wasn’t the only one out there. My whole family seems to belittle every little aspect of how I get my son to sleep, and he only sleeps on me, in our bed. For months, he would sleep, maybe, two hours a day when we were trying to get him to sleep in his own area, and all it would result in is a screaming, vomiting, angry child who wouldn’t eat, sleep, let me change his diaper, or show any semblance of that giggling child I once thought existed. Ever since I began co-sleeping, I can recognize a half-human in the mirror again now. Uri is now 15 months old, and everyone still tells me I am a terrible mom for letting him sleep with me in my bed. Thank you for having a sense of humor and letting all of us relate to you so very well.

  • allie g

    It’s 1:15am and I just got my co-sleeping 4 month old to sleep after a hysterical crying fit. He typically will not sleep without me day or night and wants to be held constantly. I am exhausted pretty much all the time but survive on coffee and cat naps. I also have a 3 year old to tend to and normally that involves doing whatever she needs while holding a 20 lb 4 month old…yes, he is 20 lbs already and exclusively breastfed. My 3 yr old is awesome. She sleeps all night in her own bed and has always been a pretty good sleeper. We didn’t technically co-sleep with her. She slept in our room for a while but not in our bed. My son is much harder than I ever remember her being.
    I feel like I could have written this…you took the words and thoughts right out of my head. Being a stay at home mom is tough and very unglamorous. We are sometimes in our pjs until 2pm but I do what I need to survive. I figure I can’t fuck them up too bad if I always remember to show them love. And nobody has it all figured out despite what they might tell you. I’ve come to believe that most parents lie when it comes to their kids sleep and other habits. It is the biggest challenge you face as a new parent and the last thing you need is some random self rightous asshole telling you you suck at it.

  • Morgan

    Allie G. We are in the same exact situation with the 4 month old.
    Sleep regression is a bitch and I’m smack dab in the middle of losing my mind.

    He’s my first and only child and the first 3 and a half months of his life I was saying things to my husband like… we’ve got this. This isn’t as hard as everyone says. We should definitely have another baby in a couple years.
    Then it happened… fucking sleep regression.. which is apparently something that every single baby goes through at 3-5 months… some for a couple days. Some for a couple months.
    And at this point youre more likely to hear us saying stuff like
    What are we doing wrong. Why is he always crying… why does he wake up so much. Are we failing as parents? We should know by now what he wants…. and of course a lot of ” we are never having a other baby!”

    No one ever told me that 4 months old could be this way and that sleep regression is a perfectly common and normal thing that all babies go through as their brains are developing and their motor skills increasing… but why the hell would they? Everyone always wants to come off as that perfect parent… soccer mom.. got all my shit together wonder woman mother… but let’s face it… those people are liars. It’s pretty much a guarentee that every parent (no matter how perfect they may seem) has had a moment in their parenting career where they’ve wanted to pull their hair out and had no idea what they were doing wrong.
    Love this article. Thank you for being one of the very few of us mommy’s who is keeping it real!

  • Andrea

    Losers??? Just because out babie are not sleep trained??? Maybe im misunderstanding this, but sleep training is bs in my opinion, my 4 month old sleeps judt fine, and i didnt “sleep train” her. She atsrted sleeping jusy fine on het own, as a mother its kinda common sense that you get up every few hours to feed, or change you baby, especially young babies, stop complaining about not getting sleep, i am a single mom, and not easy, i was so sleep deprived, but would suck it up, i nevet complain to anyone. caring for my baby is my job, no mattet how tired and frustrated i am. I cant believe these comments boo hoo i cant sleep whaaa, suck it up, you chose to have a baby, what did you think it was going to be easy??

    • renegademama

      Hey Andrea,

      Just for fun, you should try reading the actual post before commenting.

      Sincerely,
      The rest of the internet

  • Andrea

    Thats why i stated maybe im misunderstanding this, and i did read the entire post, apparently i dont have a sense of humor.

    • allie g

      Pretty certain that you are not getting this article at all.
      We all love our kids and bust our asses every day (and night) to make sure that they are happy and healthy!

  • Felicity

    Hey Andrea,
    Maybe after you have multiple children and have had more than 4 months of horrid sleep (like try 4 years) you will relate more to this post. I didnt see anyone “whinging” just alot of sleep poor mother telling it like it is and relating to one another.

  • Chelsea

    any of you co-sleeping mommas have tips on keeping that baby on the bed so you can slip out to say brush your teeth without fear of her rolling off?

    Loser co-sleeper looking for advice…

    • allie g

      Pillows and a video monitor.

    • Felicity

      Pillows or in Australia we have bed side rails you can buy that you just pop under the mattress and gives the bed a mesh netted side.

  • MIZZSINGBABE

    OMG.. I am so glad that I found you. I struggle with crib training and almost everything I read say that we must train her baby to sleep…oh hell..my baby is not a dog. she does not need to be trained.. I am sure she will be happily sleeping on my chest when she is 18 🙂

    Thankyou !

  • Missy

    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! For writing this, my 8 mo was sleeping 4-5 hours then waking for a feed (still boob) and then another 3-4 hours now if she sleeps longer than an hour I am lucky and that’s with her sleeping on my chest, we tried the cry it out method of sleep training which resulted in projectile vomiting, a costume change, a bedding change and more nursing (obviously), my hubby thinks its teething, all I can say is I friggin hope so because I feel like I will die if there isn’t an actual reason for this nightmare. I hope for me and all of you the end is in sight where our precious bundles start allowing mommy to sleep, good luck ladies and thank god I am not the only one! 🙂

  • Amy

    OMG thank you for this post. This makes me feel 50% less crappy for having failed to sleep train my baby. I am at my wits end but am hopeful that this time will pass in a blink of an eye. That’s what I tell myself anyways.

  • No name

    I have a friend with the “asshole baby”..he’s 10 months old and screams every hour every night just to simply wake her up, she hasn’t sleep trained yet. She took him to the doctor to find out what could be causing the hourly nightly screamings and all she could come up with is “you’re spoiling him”. I could have told her the same and I don’t have kids lol.

  • Rix

    It’s impossible to spoil a baby. Some just need to know they aren’t abandoned and Mum will come if they call, so if they’re being savaged by a wolf or whatever you’ll hear and be there to fly kick it in the face.

    That said my 9 month old is an a-hole. I put her to bed, drowsy and comfy, and she; sits up, jumps on the bed, pulls herself up, rolls up and down her cot, kicks the end of the cot, slaps the bars, undoes the poppers on her sleep suit to play with her feet, bites her own hands and cries because it hurts, and as a final resort will squeeze out a poop so I have to change her. We tried co sleeping but my bed is even bouncier, my face makes a hilarious noise when she slaps it, my hair is fun to eat, and my eyelids are great for playing with. Oh, but if I’m not in the room she absolutely cannot play and will cry. For hours.
    She’s lovely, and it’s nice she’s so happy and playful, I just wish it wasn’t all day and night long ;-;

  • Stephen

    Great article! Actually, the one saying I like the best is “well, they are all different.” That is horseshit. I have four children and all of them were sleep trained at two months. From 7:30 to 7:30 – goodnight assholes! Now it is 7:42, and I am going to enjoy my wine, and watch my tv shows. Goodnight losers!

  • kirsten

    Absolutely amazing. I thought I was all alone in this world, 3 kids down and 7 years of loserness and sleepless children. Thank you for this awesome article!

  • Vix bowdery

    Thank you ! You may have just saved my life ! My love goes out to you and you are my guru ! In my 12 years of parenting you are the only person who has ever made me feel like I’m not alone ! I just found sleep again with my 3 oldest and then for some reason decided I wanted the crazy up all hours back and had yet another night owl who loves to keep me on my toes all night and then what a surprise to find another one curled up in my belly just 8 months later ! I know I won’t see sleep for a good 4 yeArs or so but a least I have your perfect words to get me through those endless nights ! Thanks again good luck and much love , Victoria xx

  • Heather

    I wanted a baby so bad and finally I have this perfect, sweet, little angel and I’m too bloody exhausted to enjoy her. I had major sleep issues before she was born and now I don’t sleep more than 4 hours a night and every day I swear will be my last because I feel I am going to die. The exhaustion is so deep, I cannot even move or lift my arms or legs some days. I worry I’ll drop my baby or fall down the stairs. I can’t even have a coherent conversation. Why is having a baby like this? Why don’t they sleep? My baby is 5 months. She is so tired all day but won’t nap and sleeps terrible at night. She’s always yawning and rubbing her eyes and I feel sick that I can’t help her. I went from fitness modeling to a tired, flabby, boring, unmotivated slob. I don’t get the cosleeping. My baby won’t sleep beside me or in a crib. She only sleeps in her stupid swing on full speed. Heaven forbid it breaks. I’m a rotten parent for letting her sleep in the swing and I hear it everyday from MIL who happened to be a perfect parent and had babies that slept through the night from birth.
    I’m so f’ng tired. One and done and never again. Tubes are getting tied.

    • allie g

      I’m sorry for what you are going through. My 2nd baby is no peach but at least he will sleep next to me or on me. I’m sure you’ve probably tried everything already but, could it be reflux or milk allergy? Does she throw up allot? Or fuss laying flat? Teething will also wreck havoc on sleep and unfortunately, some babies teeth for what seems like forever.
      The first 6 months are really, really hard. I have to constantly remind myself that it is temporary. Coffee is my friend…coffee, coffee and more coffee. If you have someone to take over for a night, it helps. Please don’t let anyone make you feel like a rotten parent. Guarantee your mil is full of s*#t! I hope you find something that works for you soon! Hang in there.

      • Laura

        My daughter is 12 weeks today and she also sleeps rather well (once she’s in a deep sleep) but only on me knee during her daytime naps and beside me in bed (although sometimes she wakes up and I’m forced to let her sleep on my chest).
        I know allowing her to sleep on my chest is not the safest thing to do while snoozing myself but sometimes it’s the only option.
        I have pretty much zero routine. Bath around 6/7pm then feed and fall asleep in my arms on sofa – sometimes she stays asleep other times she’s WIDE awake then we normally head up to bed around 10:30pm when she’ll feed then sleep 2-3 hours beside me then after that she always refuses to sleep anywhere other than on my chest! She still feeds (breastfeeds) quite alot and uses me as a pacifier which I don’t mind but I just want to know if and when things get easier!!!

  • Heather

    Thank you for this! I’m on the couch….nursing my 6 week old to sleep, my 3 year old fell asleep watching cartoons on the other couch. Most nights I feel like the worst mother ever. I am still yet to have my 3 year old on a good sleep schedule and now I’m worried the same thing with happen with my 6 week old.
    Our 9 year old has slept well on her own in her own bed since about 3, but I think we just got lucky.
    Every routine we have tried to start, we have veered off one way or another.
    I always end up nursing to sleep and letting them sleep wherever they end up wanting too, couch, my bed, etc.
    love these babies so very much and don’t want to be a failure.

  • dora

    this is amazing!!! sitting down trying to rock my 4month old to sleep on me. mother inlaw thinks am obssessed with her! she can only sleep on me or remain restless and cranky. I am exhausted and I am worried bcos I equally have to go out soon to get a paid job to assist my family!! BUT SHE IS MY LIFE!!! I will never give her up for the world… No!

  • Chelsea

    Hi!
    I’m a first-time mom to a 3-month-old little boy who has yet to sleep anywhere but in my arms. Although I have definitely had moments of panic thinking that he’ll never grow out of my arms, I know in my heart that I’m doing something really magical for the both of us, and as much as I hope it will change, I fear the change as well. I’ve laid awake many a night, having gone to bed at 7 to accommodate his bedtime, staring at my iPhone and reading post after post, article after article supporting or contradicting the benefits of bedsharing. I’ve read articles about sleep training, and cringed at the idea of letting him cry-it-out, but gritted my teeth at that seemingly inevitable future. I’ve spun out and around a million times doubting myself and my babies needs, but still come back to the place where I lay down with him and nurse him into a sound and peaceful sleep every night.
    I’ve felt moments of such darkness along the way, crawling out of my skin from the discomfort of this new, soft body of mine, and the feeling that I’ll never be alone again, and the loss of the self I was before. Nothing anyone could have said would have prepared me for this.
    Finding your blog has been the single most helpful thing Ive found since having my baby. You’ve given me permission to feel everything I feel and you’ve reminded me that I’m not alone in all of these feelings.
    Just wanted to say thank you so much.
    –Chelsea

  • Taiyo

    It felt like we ran the gamut for awhile there. The first three months our LO was up every 2 hours for at least an hour if not longer and never napped. She was sleeping maybe six out of every 24 hours. Then she started napping and would sleep 4-5 hrs before needing a bottle and then another 2-3. Sometimes now we get lucky and she sleeps through the night (if we can call until 6 am through the night, which I’m willing to do), but every once in awhile she will not sleep unless I’m holding her (generally when she’s sick or (as we figure) has a bad dream). She’s 8 months now and I found this thread on another night that I had to cuddle her for two hours because she would not sleep if she wasn’t touching me. The first three months I was an absolute basket case because she constantly needed to be held or she would cry. I would lie there and try to sleep but couldn’t because my brain kept waiting for her to wake up. Now I cherish those nights when she wants to be held (usually once a week, sometimes less) for a couple of hours because I know the day will come when she won’t want sleepy time cuddles from mommy. I used to wonder what was wrong with us that our baby wouldn’t sleep … now sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me because I actually miss having to hold her and cuddle her so she would.

  • Ruth

    OMG!! I’m not alone!!! Finally a fellow bitch that understands. I know no one, NOT ONE OTHER female that has the sleep deprevation I do. No one understands it until they live it. I have four kids 7 and under. I haven’t slept in 7 years !!!
    Thank you for sharing.

  • Annika

    I was googling “does anybody NOT have their baby sleep trained” and came across your article! Loved it! I was feeling guilty for my 15 week old sleeping wherever she wants, whenever she wants. I. Am. So. Tired. I know i only have one and it has only been 15 weeks. We tried the “lay her down every 2 hours” but how do you MAKE a baby sleep? Now i can see when she is tired and i just rock her till she sleeps, then usually my husband or i sit or also sleep with her in our arms. Except at night, there she goes in her bed. Anyway i found your writing honest, hilarious and refreshing. Juat what i needed while my babe sleeps in my arms. We are all in this together! 🙂

  • Amanda

    Thanks. I needed that today. I got to read it because I am up, and everyone is asleep, and our internet is working. (The quiet!) But thanks.

  • Liezl Veiga

    Thanks so much for this article. Been feeling the social pressure of “your baby is 10 months and still wakes you up at night?” and I respond, “I have no goddam idea because I effing sleepwalk to his cot, turn off the monitor, pick him up and snuggle into the spare bed in his room and wake up there in shock at 5am, so piss off.” Thanks again for letting me be reminded that there is a new ‘normal’ 🙂

  • Ashley

    Oh my goodness!! If this wasn’t the perfect post!! Lol I do know the feeling and pressure! I have a 15 month and a newborn now one month and I just don’t know how I’m going to surviving!! Lol!! I promise I have this crazed look in my eyes at this point!! I’m not even sure how I was actually working before this one! But I mean my one year is suddenly so “turnt” these days!! Especially when my husband is home!! The sleep training just never worked! Not to mention Jr can get out of the crib now!! It’s like I can’t win but heck if all of us in one bed equals sleep then so be it!!! Lol

    Thanks for this post! It gave me a good laugh because it’s so relatable and honest!

  • Ruthy

    My child is 16 months and still doesn’t asleep through the night. He did maybe 3 times when he was like 4 months old and then teething started. Dr. Sears says maybe when he’s 3. So only 2 more years. Haha.

  • R

    Lovit that all 3 have slept willingly for 16 hrs per day and sleep trained.. Never had to let them cry themselves to sleep either.. so fuck all u do gooder mums that think that they’re superior to any other..

  • Tiredmom

    I needed this article tonight as I desperately tonight. Thanks

  • Carolann Nelson

    This made my whole day. It is not helpful in the slightest, but laughed and felt the love of sleep-deprived solidarity.
    Thank you 🙂

  • Abbey

    This is the best thing I could read right now as I sit here 1hr later still trying to make my tired 9month old baby sleep while wanting to cry scream at the same time.
    I am so glad for this

  • Samantha D

    I completely love your post. I was told by my friends, my boss, and my family that I was “spoiling him” and basically ruining his life life by not sleep training him.
    You know what? I just couldn’t stomach leaving him alone to cry and cry until I “succeeded” by him giving up and realizing his cries for me were useless. For parents who chose that? I really do not judge, it probably will make them better sleepers so I applaud your resolve.
    But my little man is 19 months now and starting falling asleep on his own at 12 months. And I didn’t have to “train” him he started doing it when he was READY! And if your child still isn’t? SO WHAT!?

  • Kylie

    I am struggling so bad with this at the moment. My 2nd child and second diabolical sleeper is waking between 10-30 times a night. I am beyond tired as this has been going on since birth. I have been trying to wait it out as our daughter turned the corner at 12-14 months but now I am feelings aggressive and frustrated towards my beautiful baby. He wakes and sleeps in intervals of 10-20 mins every night with random bi-weekly gifts of a two hour block. He has been in his cot/in my bed/ rocked/ patted/ sleep trained (intensively for 6 weeks) all of which have changed nothing but left me a shattered shell of a human being with a bucket load of self loathing for feeling the way I do about my baby. Your post helps a bit but I read of ‘bad sleepers’ waking 5-6 times a night and this would be an amazing night for me. I don’t care what I have to do because I can’t go on like this. Does anyone feel like this and do you have any avenues I could turn to in this situation? Please, if you do I need your help

    • Miss G

      Oh mama, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If you’re breastfeeding then bedsharing is probably your best bet right now; at least is baby wakes, he can conceivably latch on and nurse himself back to sleep.

      If he’s formula fed, or takes a bottle, is it possible for a partner or trusted family member/friend to give you a night off occasionally? Like, go sleep at your mom’s or something while she’s on baby duty? This isn’t a long term solution, obviously, but getting a decent sleep once a week or so will at least help you deal with things better. Definitely lean on your support group

      Also, have you seen a pediatrician about your baby’s super frequent wakings? Is it possible gas or reflux or some other discomfort is waking him? I realize you’ve probably already gone down this avenue, but if not, it’s worth looking into. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice to offer, I hope things change soon for you *hugs*

  • lizzie

    So glad I found this. Currently sitting with my second baby now 10 months who is unbelievably even more determined than his sister was to only sleep on me. Occasionally he sleeps 40 minutes in his bedside cot but generally this is getting less.

    I was starting to get dragged down both by tiredness and the growing comments from mums etc about bad habits and this post has restored my belief that a) it’s not just me and b)its ok. Its not a failure. Its just what he needs and that’s ok.

    And so glad to find someone else expressing that need to occasionally just not have anyone touching me or grabbing me even just for a short time!
    Thank you!

  • mike miller

    Wow good writing. Thanks. Ive been driven out of the house screaming because im getting too mad. I haave to leave. Yelling go the fuck to sleep!!!! Is not good not good doesnt work. Not good . And i google go the fuck to sleep. And now i feel better. Thank you.
    And wow good writing.

  • Elizabeth Kendall

    My daughter is starting to try to break the ‘Nia is sleeping on my chest every night in the living room on the couch and now I think she needs to be in the crib” I gave her my grandma advise, which I am proud to say matched with your Sleeping Losers advice a lot.
    When I saw your site and the article that you wrote about the sleeping transition I was first, hysterically laughing, and then sent it to my son in law to read first before he read it to my daughter so she didn’t NOT hear or see (if she read it first) the fabulous truth and she only picked up on the loser part (which is something she would do) ANY way, THANK you. I’ve subscribed. Your writing is fabulous. LOVE IT.
    Liz Kendall Grandma

  • Gee

    You my friend are the arsehole for writing this post! Looser

  • Nicole

    Thank you!
    My son is 10 months old, and has slept terribly the whole time.
    I’m sick of hearing all of the lovely advice (have you tried formula?) or people telling me how their baby only slept ten hours last night and they’re just exhausted.
    Thanks for not pretending to be the cyborg mom who knows everything.

  • Brandi

    I love everything about this. Word for word you described my life. Thank you.

  • Kristy

    Thank you so much for posting this. I get judged so harshly from friends and family, and other moms who have sleep trained. Am I jealous that their baby sleeps away from them even during the day? HELL YES but you know what? This won’t last forever, the nighttime snuggles, the daytime struggles of having to pee but when will he wake up? It’s a huge win in the arse but it won’t be forever. He has terrible reflux since day 1 and was tiny (4lbs 11oz) when we brought him home so he slept on our chests for the first 3 weeks. We vowed not to cosleep, but I needed to. Lack of sleep brings out the angry side in me and you do what you have to to survive until it’s no longer working for either of you. Wish us luck! After the holidays he’ll be moving into his own bed!

  • Christina

    Love!!!

  • Sara

    Thank you! I really needed to read this. Gave into pressure to let my 9 mo cio tonight. After all was quiet. Went to check on her and she was slumped against the crib softly crying. I will go by my instinct and everyone else can back off. Never again.

    • Prema

      Hi Sara,

      I too did the same thing with my 9 month old son and did it for three awful days and still regret ever going against my instinct. It’s been such a challenge getting my so to sleep and nap but I just am trying to remind myself that this won’t be forever. It really helps to know I’m not alone. Your post and this article definitely have helped with that! 🙂

  • Becky

    I came across the brilliant article, while googling “my 13 month old will only sleep on me”- every single thing about this article is me, to a T. The whole “winging it” thing, yet feeling mildly guilty/lazy, judged, and oh SO tired, but trying to soak in every minute. I have a 5 and 3 year old, as well, and our house is madness. Sometimes I just cannot WAIT until they are all self-sufficient, but 90 percent of the time, I want them to stay little, bright-eyed, curious, sweet, and NEED me! I know that is not possible, and so selfish to say, but it’s all going by so damn fast. After reading this, I’m going to stop beating myself up so much. It’s so wonderful and relieving to know that I’m not the only one out there “winging it” with my babies! Thank you!!!!

  • Elizabeth Kendall

    I’ve responded to this article before, and I tell every new mom and grandma about Renegade Mothering, which is brilliant. I wrote last time that my daughter whose daughter was about 5-6 months old at that time, she’s 9 months old now, and how much craziness was going on about NIA (the baby) sleeping with her. Well, it’s starting again. In some ways, it would be better if she slept in the crib because my daughter would get a break, and wouldn’t be as trapped into Nia’s sleeping. But on the other hand, as Becky wrote, they grow up so fast and it’s so wonderful to beable to snuggle as long as possible if possible. My daughter is now trying the FERBER method????? Well, it’s a gift to have parents that love their children and care for them.
    NOT every parent does-

  • Nnn

    Both my boys were sleeping through the night since about 2 months old. That means about 9pm to 5am. Later on the 6 month mark, mostly 8pm to 7am. No lies. My youngest, now almost 2, still sleeps between 8-9pm until 6h30-7am. The key is routine. Babies all have their own internal clock, study it to find out the times. Write it down and follow it closely. Adapt it as they grow. Quite simple. My kids never cry themselves asleep alone, never. If they call me I go to them.

    • Brittani

      What do you mean follow their internal clock closely? How do you do that really? I am curious, my baby seems to be more of a night owl and I tend to be lazy so I was letting her stay awake with stimulation until like 1 in the morning.

      I finally said that had to stop and have since adopted a routine and pushing bedtime earlier, now she’s sleeeping by 10:30 but I’m still slowly working to get it more around 8.

  • Krista

    God I love this article! With a 22 month old in between my husband and I nightly and a 1 month old in a bassinet next to our bed I keep thinking “why the $&!* didn’t we sleep train?” And then my toddler snuggles into me and I remember why: the snuggles. They’re the best. I know in the coming months we’ll get her a bigger bed of her own and she’ll stop needing to snuggle to sleep and I’ll miss those sleepy cuddles with her because sometimes that’s all the cuddle time we get.

  • Brittani

    I love that there are more of you who stay awake once the baby is asleep. It’s the only time during the entire day I feel completely free to just sit and stare or do whatever without worrying about a little person. That’s actually what I’m doing now, my 6 month old finally went to sleep at 10:30 and I’m exhausted, but I want my moment.

    I also love wanting to punch your partner in their snoring nose. I’ve felt that way so many times but I know it’s my fault. For one I’m the only one who can feed because I hate pumping and have no milk… and for two he does have to go to work. It sucks being the only one able to get her to sleep and wake up with her all night. Sometimes it’s 2 times sometimes it’s 10. Either way usually every 3 days I reach a point of unhealthy exhaustion.

    Thanks to anyone who read my long winded whine.

  • Your MOM

    I put my first newborn, completely healthy baby boy, in his OWN crib at 4 weeks. Why? Because I watched as my mom raised my brothers. Cribs are boundaries. They establish order in an otherwise chaotic environment. Parents have their bed and a baby needs its own. End of story. Did my kids cry? Of course. Did I come to their aid? Yes. But after it all plays out, baby sleeps in baby’s room and Mommy sleeps in her room. It’s not 1881. We don’t live in a one room farm house.

    My second child was sick. He had a heart defect. He stayed close.

    After we established that he was stable, I began the process of involving him his own sleep environment. With baby monitor always blaring, I observed him cautiously from a distance and continued this practice well beyond the usual time frame. Crying was an issue because it could elevate his heart rate. Guess what? He slept better in his OWN environment than he ever would have with me hovering about, making noise and worrying.

    The moral? Do what works for you, but don’t start any “routines” (aka the bullshit known as co-sleeping until age 11) that you aren’t willing to carry forth into well beyond their toddler years. Kids are predictable: they will take full advantage of your maternal instinct to baby them. Do not give into this. Make them independent. Let them be “them”.

    • Becky

      Wow. Wasn’t aware that you could “baby” a baby. You seem really lovely.

      • renegademama

        Lol, Becky. “You seem lovely.” Haha!

        And yes. She’s a piece of work isn’t she? My favorite is how she says “do what works for you” then criticizes co-sleeping and tells people how to parent. And btw, I co-slept with all my kids for a long time and they’re all outrageously independent. That whole “make them independent” thing is a 1950s Dr. Spock wives’ tale. Our kids are independent when we meet their needs and support their development where they are. We get to judge how to best do that.

        • Becky

          I know! I was fuming when I read her post! I had SO much more to respond, i.e., “Thank God somebody FINALY debunked the whole “maternal instinct “myth!” Us mothers have been so naive! Those damn (and very manipulative) infants will no longer get the best of us!”
          I decided to take the high road, and just tell her that she seems “lovely.” Someone that cold and non-self aware probably thought I was actually giving her a compliment. Her poor children!!

  • Christa

    Thanks Renegade mom an all of you who wrote how you are going through the same thing (co-sleeping, NOT sleeping, etc.). My daughter is 10 months old and wakes up 5+times a night and I’m so tired… And it makes it so much harder when I think I’m doing everything wrong and I’m making mistakes. It’s really good to hear that her sleeping ‘style’ is normal. I truely believe we’re giving our babies a true, strong sense of security by comforting them when they need it at all hours. I’m just scared it’ll never end!!!

  • Melissa

    Great post! I was pressured too to sleep train as some moms around me had more sleep than me. But I personally could not do cry it out. I tried once and asked baby for forgiveness lol! I tried co sleeping as well but believe it or not she preferred to snuggle for a bit then wanted her own space. Which worked for my husband and I because we wanted the same thing too. I myself was never a cuddling person. She “sleeps” through the night at times and other times she wakes from time to time. Not even for a bottle, but for some extra snuggles and then back to sleep. I figure, do what works for your family. Do what gives you mama sleep. Baby sleep. And daddy sleep. As long as baby is thriving, put him/her on her belly, or give them a teddy. Let them roll on their sides. Every baby is different just as every adult is different. Find what works for everyone in your family. They are only so little once. One day, they will head to kindergarten and want to be independent. Then want nothing to do with you in their teens. Then they will leave to collage/university and you will never get that little age back. Enjoy this time.you wont always be sleep deprived. You will get sleep one day. Parenthood is a journey in itself. As I have heard many parents say, “This too shall pass.” You are never ever losers in MY eyes. But are strong, super champion women who are doing the best they can for their families! Cheers to all you amazing moms! You are all doing great!

  • Shaunessy

    I wanted to reach out to you and thank you for your blog. I am a first time mama to a four month old. The amount of ‘expert advice’ out there is overwhelming and I came across your site just when I needed it most. I am surrounded by moms who sleep train and share research articles on the evils of television and have text chats about whether pacifiers are good or bad and discuss how to wean six month olds from night time feeding etc etc etc. From the beginning I have tried to be intuitive about motherhood but fuck, it hasn’t been easy. Nothing like motherhood to really intensify your self doubt. My son and I sleep in the same bed and he breastfeeds anywhere between 2 and 5 times a night. I live in Canada and I have a year paid maternity leave. I can’t imagine spending my year any other way but it is lonely because there aren’t a lot of mom’s I know who share my style of motherhood. My partner is supportive and our extended family is too but sometimes you just need a girlfriend to shoot the shit with and not feel judged. Anyway, your blog makes me feel less alone. It’s like an echo of my heart. I’m sorry you have had a rough year. I hope you are finding a way through it all, it isn’t ever simple. Lots of peace and love.

  • Lisa

    I needed this so much. My son just turned one and I have no idea what I’m doing. He doesn’t sleep in his cot, ever. He sleeps in our bed at night and during the day I do whatever works: pram, car, rocking. Today he decided none of these would work and just screamed. So here he is in my arms, the little terror that I absolutely adore.

  • Amelia

    Thank you. I needed to read this tonight.

  • Jonas

  • Jonas

    I co sleep and plan to until she’s two

  • Laura

    Thank you for this post! I feel so alone in my struggle with refusing to let my baby cry it out and all of the judging by family and friends that comes with it. I needed this.

  • Gabi

    This was by far the most amazing thing I have read, thanks for giving a mother of a 13 month old hope that, it doesnt fucking matter, its what makes her finally get shut eye.

  • Courtney

    THIS!! Thank you so much for this. I’ve felt so alone. A few close friends also have babies and apparently they’re unicorn children who sleep through the night, I’ve been too embarrassed to share my struggle and even told my husband yesterday “I must have held him too much in the beginning and that’s why he won’t sleep / be put down.” Thank you for giving this mama an “it’s going to be ok” deep breath and a laugh.

  • Rose

    Thank you for this. I felt so alone with this issue.