Dear Internet: Nobody’s going to put Ecstasy in your kids’ candy

by renegademama

Okay, Internet. We have to talk. Again.

You must knock it right the fuck off with your timely and earnest warnings to “moms and dads” to BE ON THE LOOKOUT for Ecstasy pills that “look like candy” and may be put into their kids’ trick-or-treat bags.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Have you never done Ecstasy?

WHERE WERE YOU IN THE 90s?

Okay. Clearly we have different histories. No worries. I’m willing to share. Take a moment to follow me here.

Nobody is going to put Ecstasy in your kids’ fucking Halloween candy.

First, that’s a waste of Ecstasy. Ecstasy is expensive. Nobody gets it so they can dose children. WHERE’S THE FUN IN THAT? The whole point of Ecstasy is to relax in a cuddle puddle of 3-12 dear friends smoking cigarettes, drinking vodka redbull, and expressing deep adoration while stroking each other’s forearms.

NOT THAT I’VE EVER DONE IT.

No but seriously. Please. Pull it together.

They are also not going to accidentally give it to your kid. Why? Because people with drugs know what they look like. Very, very well. Ever get a Valium prescription? Yeah. That shit’s nice, right?

Would you ever confuse your Valium pills with Sweet Tarts and hand them to a tiny lion on your doorstep?

No. Of course you wouldn’t.

BECAUSE THAT IS NOT A THING.

Furthermore, people with illicit substances know where they are located AT ALL TIMES and therefore will never, ever have this happen:

Jane: “Honey, where’s the ecstasy we were going to take tonight?”
Bill: “Oh, shoot. Well sweetie I just don’t know. I brought it in from the car with the Lysol cleaning wipes and put them somewhere but it’s totally slipped my mind!”
Jane: “Darn! Well we need some candy for trick-or-treaters.”
Bill: “Let me look in the pantry……here…”(Comes back with Ecstasy pills). “Hand these out!”

Look. I get it. You were busy building a foundation for life while I spent time gazing into the eyes of my new girlfriend and dancing with glow-sticks. We all have our paths.

But still. There’s no excuse for this sort of fear-mongering weirdness. We don’t just get to MAKE SHIT UP to worry about. We can’t just invent things to post on Facebook because it’s fun to have The Super Critical Safety Message.

You know what I’ve found?

People are generally good. People generally do not want to maim my children or dupe them into taking psychedelics.

People in general want to smile at their costumes and hand them a Kit Kat bar, without even a razor in it.

People are generally good.

Even the monsters with Ecstasy.

Roar.

Our general approach. ya?

P.S. I don’t do drugs. I don’t even drink. I did however take a boatload of substances for 10 or so short years there in my 20s. Unless my kids are reading this in which case I did not. In fact this isn’t even Janelle have a nice day bye.

  • caffeine_lights

    Yes! I never understand why people share this shit. Ten years ago it was “fake tattoos which are actually LSD”

    Firstly: THAT’S NOT HOW YOU TAKE LSD.

    Secondly: WTF.

    • beth

      welll…If you want to be truthful, 40 years ago when we still licked stamps that was how *we* (the general we, not me) took LSD, so I can, actually, see the tattoo thing.

  • Sherry

    Oh man! Thank you for this!!

    But, um, prepare yourself for a whole bunch of snarky, bitchy comments from paranoid, crazy people. Because I am going to be sharing this with everyone who posts “timely and earnest warnings to “moms and dads” to BE ON THE LOOKOUT for Ecstasy pills…” Because they annoy the shit out of me, and I think they need to read this. Half will lose their minds and snark at you. Half just might get a clue.

    Yep, you are welcome!

    • laura

      @Sherry,
      Those people don’t read this blog, they’re too busy repeating this crazy shit and figuring out the best use of all their glitter and craft paper.

  • Francelle

    “Would you ever confuse your Valium pills with Sweet Tarts and hand them to a tiny lion on your doorstep?”

    Awesome.

    • AVE GUEVARA

      This is THE BEST post! As a grandmother of 5, I don’t even share my baby blues with a pleading adult!!!!

      And this comment rocks, all of them do.

      Shall I commence the Renegade Grandmother blog? So yesterday I bought two disgusting dried chicken feet for my dog. I never knew these existed, buy my poodle found them and loved them. So, in the spirit of TRICK in that trick or treat thing, I visited my 2 vegetarian grandsons. Their mom (my younger daughter) HATES anything bird. I took great delight in handing them these feet which the small ginger proceeded to chase his mother around with it. It was the trickiest trick. Their very strict vegetarian dad who will eat candy and chips and beer with animal products IN them well disguised, was GROSSED out. It was DELIGHTFUL!!!!! Yes, I AM a renegade out law grandmother.

      • Alex

        Bwahahaha .. love it!!

      • Karisa

        Awesome grandma! Bwaaaaaaahahahaha

  • Dannielle

    “First, that’s a waste of Ecstasy. Ecstasy is expensive.”

    My first thoughts exactly.

    • Kristine Rizzuto

      And, good Ecstasy is hard to come by! That was my first thought. Like, who gives away good ecstasy? I… i mean… people who do ecstasy store that shit like a squirrel hides nuts in the winter!

      • mike

        thats great

  • Dave W

    Tweakers be like…..damn, which house Molly at? And no, I’m not judging, I was a tweaker in a previous life.

    Trust me internet (and dude you can be SERIOUSLY stupid at times), I always knew where every crumb, seed, or pill was and rarely shared with my own girlfriend, let alone friends or a stranger, or a kid…..

    To quote a seagull from Finding Nemo “Mine…Mine…Mine”

  • Yer mom

    hey! It could be true. I’ve been known to misplace my Xanax… In my purse… At the bottom… And find them weeks later…
    Some dumb shit with nothing better to do with his time could concoct some crap that may harm my 5 year old…
    I’m the annoying mutha that over protects my baby… Kill me!
    PS this is all in good fun. I don’t need any cuntwaffle telling me how much of an idiot I am… I already know!
    Happy Halloween!

    • Rebeccah

      I am stealing cuntwaffle!

    • AVE GUEVARA

      OMG, “Cuntwaffle” – I have hereby adopted this new amazing term.
      I love you all. Every comment evokes ACTUAL REAL TIME LAUGHTER, non of this “LOL” shit.

  • JamieLeeGD

    ROAR! Lol! Takin’ it way back. Don’t forget the PLUR! My thoughts exactly when I see that post. Thanks for the laugh.

  • Lou Taylor

    Awesome and spot on as usual!

  • Corina

    I love you. Thank you for making me laugh so hard I woke up my baby with convulsions while breast feeding.

  • Adria

    How much do I lurv you? Let me count the ways!!

    I was JUST talking about this today, in fact. I was all, “um, drug dealers aren’t just going to be giving their drugs out for free on Halloween just to fuck with people. I’ve seen Narcos. Drug dealers don’t like their profits fucked with.”

    Ahem, not that I know about any of this from MY 20s either. 😉
    Thank you for this!
    Xoxoxoxo

    • Fatima

      Genius!

  • Ash

    YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!! I won’t even share my $6 truffles with my own kids, I’ll be damned if little Jimmy down the street is gonna be enjoying my rainbow unicorn rides.

  • Ash

    YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!! I won’t even share my $6 truffles with my own kids, I’ll be damned if little Jimmy down the street is gonna be enjoying my rainbow unicorn rides. Again, not that I would know.

    • Wendy

      ha ha ha

  • Genevieve Page

    Fuck, lady you rock. Everything you write is awesome. I dig it all. Keep on doing what you’re doing cause for all the weiners, there are those like me who truly appreciate you and your efforts.,😘

  • laura

    Holy shit. Which is funnier, Janelle or her fans. Y’all all crack me up.

  • Mike

    If only someone could actually study this issue, so we would know how real Halloween sadism is. http://www.udel.edu/soc/faculty/best/site/halloween.html

    • Dorothea

      Thank you for sharing this link!

  • Rachel

    I hadn’t even heard these rumors, but I am still terrified receiving an apple b/c in the 80’s that was the big scare 🙂

    • Shannon

      I’ve always wondered…how would someone be able to put a razor blade in an apple without the “eater” being able to see it beforehand? Even if they put them in the top where the stem is, you’d still see it because the razor blades I’ve seen are a lot larger than that. Your mileage may vary.

      And the cases I’ve heard of the drugs in candy or whatnot were done to specific kids, which is even more screwed up than giving out dope to kids to begin with. Never underestimate the power of assholes. 🙂

  • Judi

    I’m a child of the 60’s and totally concur. No one is going to give perfectly good dope to little kids. As an old hippie I know we all loved kids too much to do that. We knew it was only for the mature, or as mature as you can be when you look forward to being stoned as often as possible.
    And by the way, no one is going to grab your kids if they play outside or ride their bike. Most snatches are done by their own parents. Look it up. Kidnappings have not increased.
    Chill.

  • Janessa

    I literally just saw someone repost that “warning” and was thinking “You fucking dipshit” when I opened your page and found this article. Made my day!

  • Kelly

    Freaking Hysterical!

  • Deena

    The ONLY person I have EVER considered slipping something to is my Mother-in-Law… but is just because that bitch needs to relax! But, I would never do it. I’m too scared of her! LOL!

  • Wendy

    Halloween is not that huge here in Australia but I still get it!
    FFS people think about it before you share it!

  • Lixa

    You’re awesome! Love this.

  • Janelle's #1 fan!

    Seriously, I keep rereading this post, and I laugh harder and harder every time! And then I read the comments and I am basically in tears. I wish I found you and your people sooner Janelle, you make me feel normal, seeing as I am the only non-paranoid mom I know.

    • lisa

      agree 100% i am constantly posting snopes.com articles on my idiotic friends walls…i cannot believe the absolute poop that people actually BELIEVE REALLY!!!!!!!!!!! thanks to janelle and to you for saying exactly what i was thinking…happy halloweenie!!

  • Mel

    My sentiments exactly. I wanted to comment onto every retard that shared this post with me on Facebook or texted me the news article. (Uh-hum back before kids of course) Ecstasy pills used to be like $60 bucks a pill and that was over 10 years ago. These days my kids have to go to the “NICE NEIGHBOORHOODS” just to get snack size chocolate bars instead of smarties or tootsie rolls, so I’m pretty sure no one is slipping in random $60 dollar party drugs into their treat bags.

  • JF

    Hey – my babies are older than most of you, and we heard it when they trick-or-treated… and in fact, I heard this crap from my friend’s mom my last trip with a bag and costume, when I was 13, which was too long ago to mention.

    Stories included…
    “Hippies will put drugs on the apple!”

    same crap…”razorblades in the apple!”

    Drugs in the/on the,etc.

    MY mom said,” A) we kinda are hippies, did she not notice? B) No they would not waste dope like that, and C) god, some people have sick minds. Don’t eat at their house!”

    This was 1970, mind you.

  • MS

    There has never been one single confirmed case of Halloween candy tampering. EVARRRR!!

    • Morley

      You must be clairvoyant to know that…unless you’ve read every police report and newspaper that ever existed. Then again, you’re clearly able to surf the internet, and if it’s on there, it must be true.

  • Veronica

    Hi: This is so fantastic! I’m guessing you know this by now but in case you didn’t, it’s just too awesome for you to miss. Free Range Kids referred to this post over on her blog. Thought you’d enjoy/find it interesting! http://www.freerangekids.com/no-your-neighbors-are-not-going-to-give-your-trick-or-treater-ecstasy/

  • EFG

    Ok. listen here you little dipshits. Every last one of you that think you are so clever (and yes you too mr. author) by stating that you would never do this because of X and Y. You are wrong. Your whole perspective on this is wrong. I agree with you that the reasons you brought up are perfectly sane and would lead to this kind of conclusion, but you’re losing sight of the bigger picture. Most of you think of this ordeal from the consumer’s perspective and believe in the good will of mankind. You are again wrong (not entirely though, but you are). First of all, xtc is not that expensive, especially if you are a dealer and make money all year and can afford to make a “joke” by giving away free drugs. It’s not common, but it happens. Secondly, I can speak out of many experiences with drug dealers that they are most of the time not the sane people they want you to think they are. I’m not generalizing here, so don’t take too much offense if you’re a drug dealer or know good-willed dealers, but there are people out there who don’t give a second thought about the well-being of other people if they can have themselves “a good laugh” or can phantasize about how they ruined this kid’s day. I can understand if you’re offended by these fear-inducing commercials and warnings, but they serve the purpose to remind naive people that there are people out there who don’t give a flying fuck about the health of a stranger. And then there are people who got “pestered by kids” all year and want to take revenge on them to “make up for all the trouble throughout the year(s)”. I just want to remind you that there are “bad” people out there, nothing more. I don’t want to induce fear, but a healthy (healthy, not exaggerated) portion of caution never hurt anyone, especially if “your kid” is going around the neighbourhood getting candy from strangers.
    There are always at least 2 sides to a medal. Thanks for your consideration.

    • Ash

      Please please actually research before you start ranting. It’s never actually maliciously happened. Ever. Except to one kid killed by his father intentionally and an uncle trying to cover up his nephews accidental death. There are two links above in the comments and here’s one more.
      http://m.mentalfloss.com/article.php?id=12914

    • Nic

      You didn’t induce fear so much as hilarity.

    • paige

      am I the only one that caught the “mr. author” in this? Janelle, did you know you’re a dude?

      • Ash

        After speaking to a friend, who is most certainly NOT a drug dealer of course, he bright up an interesting new point. The two times candy has been tainted that we know of, the cops got to the bottom of it pretty damn fast. Rule one of being a drug dealer, don’t attract the cops attention. Why would any dealer, even a “bored” one, be stupid enough to give drugs to children, knowing the cops would immediately start investigating? Stupid drug users are common, but they don’t share, but stupid DEALERS are far less common, or they’re not in business long. So that throws previous repliers argument even farther out the window.

  • Not a dipshit

    Who’s the dipshit, now? And, it’s MS. Author, thank you, you asshole troll.

  • Maggie

    Years ago everyone thought someone putting razor blades and needles and straight pins into candy was foolish to consider…until the kids started filling up the emergency rooms. It is ALWAYS better to heed warnings than to push them aside. All it takes is a few people who DO NOT DO DRUGS, but have a hate on for Halloween or kids and, yes, this could be true, too.

    • Ash

      ” kids filling up the emergency room” , which was actually just a few isolated cases, 80% of which were siblings doing it to each other as pranks because the news gave them the idea to do so , does not translate to someone handing out hard drugs. Pins, needles, and razor blades are fairly cheap and accessible everywhere, especially back then when everybody’s grandmother sewed. Even people who hate kids aren’t gonna track down a dealer and spend hundreds upon hundreds of dollars for prime drugs to waste them on a bunch of kids. It’s not like you can just scroll through the phone book to find an ecstasy dealer.

  • Jo

    Is it that big of a deal. Let it go. Who cares. If it gives parents some sort of peace knowing that their children are not eating tainted candy then so be it. With everything going on in the world lets get our priorities straight. I’m a mother of 2 grown sons, and yes I worried about candy. But did it stop the world. You took the warning, checked the candy as any responsible adult will do, and then we ATE IT!!!! Move on to something more important!!! Oh and unless you are a parent you do not know what it is like worrying about your children. It is something you do from the second they are born until the day you die.

  • shannon

    so they have an ax that comes in sweet tart packaging. and looks and tastes like sweet tarts. . just so you know.

  • Kristal

    I remember (back in the 70’s in Canada) when the hospital would x-ray the candy to make sure there was no metal in it. No we never took ours, my mom was pretty practical about things. We also didn’t get to eat as much candy as we wanted, no sick stomachs that someone might think was poisoning. Lol. Everything went in the freezer and we were allowed one thing for our school lunches. That candy lasted a long time!

  • LP

    My entire childhood was full of people telling me I would be offered free drugs. First time is free, they said, then it’s gonna cost you. 30 years later, I am sad to report that there were no free drugs. It was all a lie.