Yes I’m a goddamn sailor and yes I will continue to ignore you

by renegademama

Perhaps you’ve noticed I swear, sometimes a lot, in this blog. Over the years I’ve received lots of helpful suggestions, admonitions, and earnest warnings regarding my immoral and classless approach to life.

They’re all the same, these “arguments against swearing.”

Condescending, illogical, holier-than-thou bullshit founded on nothing beyond an unverified sense of superiority.

I wish they’d come up with something new, these righteous-diction types. But they don’t.

And since they’re always the same, my responses are always the same. That’s logical, right?

I love logic. Fucking great stuff. The internet should try it sometime.

Anyway, I think it’s time I address these claims, once and for all, so I can just link people here when they send me their heartfelt and irate diatribes.

“Swearing is a sign of a limited vocabulary.”

Lies. It could be a sign of a limited vocabulary, or it could reflect choices the writer has made based on her purpose, audience and context.

I have a master’s degree in English. I can write academic analyses about Foucault and Fanon AND say “fucking douchecanoe.”

Why?

Because context, motherfucker.

If you’re so smart and linguistically accelerated how come you never consider the context of writing? Why are you applying the norms of FORMAL ENGLISH to INFORMAL ENGLISH and calling ME the fool?

Hmmmmmmm?

To clarify: Sometimes we write academically, in which case we probably won’t say fuck. Sometimes we write for our jobs – probably won’t say it there either (unless you’re the Coen brothers). Sometimes we write conversationally, in which case we MAY use the word “fuck,” if that’s how conversation looks for us.

Not you, us.

You don’t have to say it. You can say “fudge” or “frick” or “darn it all” when you stub your toe. I grew up with Mormons. I know there are lots of ways to cuss-without-cussing.

Nobody cares.

No, wait. You care. You care lots and lots. You write me emails about it and craft essays wherein you pontificate on misguided judgment of other people’s speech patterns.

“Swearing is trashy.”

According to whom? You? Well you’ve already lost credibility since you don’t know the difference between formal and informal English so who gives a fuck what you think?

Okay fine. Let’s talk about this. What do you mean by “trashy?” Poor? Uneducated? Beneath you?

So, basically what you’re saying is you’re a dick.

And by “uneducated,” you must be referring to people who lack knowledge…is that kind of like people who don’t know that the “appropriateness” of language is contextual?

See, now I’m a dick. I’m making fun of you for calling yourself educated when you never learned a basic tenet of verbal communication. Not that cool, is it?

Let’s both stop. Let’s hold hands and be friends. Let’s skip under rainbows saying “fuck” and “frick,” respectively.

No? You’re still going. Okay.

“Swearing is immoral.”

Nope. You don’t get to lay down arbitrary morality rules for the rest of us because you have a religion or cult or deeply held personal belief regarding God and vulgarity.

Also, FYI, GOD FUCKING LOVES THE VULGAR.

Haven’t you read the bible? It talks all about sacrificing children, trading daughters for goats, drowning everybody in floods, and all kinds of other vulgar stuff. I hear you, though, he did not say “fuck” even ONCE in that entire narrative.

Good thing. Otherwise it would be super offensive.

“You’re just trying to be edgy to get popular.”

But but but the people I’m writing to talk like this too so they don’t think it’s edgy. Dude DUH.

“You’re isolating readers with your swearing!”

Wait WHICH ONE IS IT? Am I going to get popular or am I isolating people? You have to pick one you are so weird WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING HERE?

Oh right. It’s both. Because all writing has specific audiences and you are decidedly not mine, yet strangely you feel the need to “fix me” even though I, as the writer, am not writing to you at all ever even on Sundays.

See? You don’t like me. I don’t really like you.

Let’s just move on. Call it a day. Click on the cat video and chill.

No, you’re still on it. Fine.

“But you can get your point across without swearing which would appeal to the most people.”

Yes. Absolutely. And when I write something in which I want to appeal to the most people possible, I don’t swear.

You see how fancy this whole “considering audience and context” thing is? You should give it a shot, particularly right before you comment on my blog.

“You’re not acting ladylike.”

Lick my balls.

(Ooooooooops)

“You’re setting a bad example for your kids. “

Not really. My kids are smart enough to understand context. Ahem.

“But I don’t like swearing.”

Yeah well I don’t like fruit-flavored soda but I don’t go around demanding that others drink what I do because it’s obviously right since my taste is my favorite (ever heard of cyclical logic?). I realize that some people like that crap even though I find it foul and wrong on multiple levels and cringe at the mere scent of it.

In other words, my friend, all you have is a bunch of opinions about swearing that are just that: personal choices regarding how to talk. That’s it. Full stop.

I’ve made different choices. Neither of us is better than the other.

Kumby-fucking-ya.

The problem is that you go out of your way to belittle and diminish people because they see the world differently, come from a different place, write to a different audience, hold different opinions on morality and depth, even though they are not harming you in any way whatsoever SINCE NOBODY IS GLUING YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EYEBALLS TO THE PAGE.

You call us unintelligent.

And yet you provide not one logical or reasonable argument to prove your point. Your whole platform consists of: “I know how you should behave because I like myself a lot.”

This is not a convincing argument, even to my immoral unfeminine trashy-ass intellect.

YOU HAVE TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING BETTER.

Go ahead. I’m fricking waiting.

You see that? Feel better?

Me either. We can’t be friends.

Bye.

 

1185836_10201986338003081_464703975_n

 

3.33K Shares
161 Comments | Posted in I'm going to get unfriended for this | November 5, 2015
  • heather

    Fuck yeah!

  • Phillipa

    Fuck you, you fucking fuckers!

    • Phillipa

      I bet every single response now is going to have some form of cursing, and I LOVE it!!!!!

      • melissa

        You let us down, Phillipa. You let us the fuck down.

        • Nic

          I could not love this fucking response more.

        • mbwest

          Nah, Phillipa can skip beside us saying “frick” if that’s what floats her boat. As long as she doesn’t mind us saying “fuck,” she’s awesome.

  • Stacey

    I fucking love this!!

  • Erica dee

    Hahahhaah douchecanoe. Fuuuuuck.

  • another intelligent janelle, age 35, raised by fucking mormons, but with no kids (thank god).

    lol. if you didnt swear, i wouldnt be reading your stuff. i started reading your blog after i came across your post about using A FUCKING LEMON as deodorant.

    • Maygen

      Omfg I totally started following after that same blog!
      I wonder if Janelle is still using that shit lol…

  • Sarah

    “I know how you should behave because I like myself a lot.” Holy shit, this is perfect.

  • Lou Taylor

    Awe filled, inspiring shit right here. Keep it real girl. You got this.

  • Margot

    HELLS FUCK YEAH, PRRRRRRRREACH IT, SISTER!!!!!!

  • Kim

    LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! if people like that would just sit the fuck up the world would be a better place!

  • Blue

    “All kinds of other vulgar stuff” I’m totally being a smartass. If someone doesn’t want to see the word fuck then they should find another blog instead of getting their prissy panties in a pinch.

    • renegademama

      Oh shit! Thanks for catching that typo. Sadly I don’t have the money for a proofreader and no matter how many times I read it over I can’t see some errors.

  • michelle

    Dam woman, get out of my head! I have had this conversation about cuss words before. I too cuss like a fucking sailor! They are words. I love words. Sometimes, a lot of times, cuss words are the only words that will do! I fucking love your blog!

  • Annie Jadin

    Hahaha, fuck yeah!

    This is brilliant: “Your whole platform consists of: “I know how you should behave because I like myself a lot.” And is basically how the world works. Fuck it.

  • CF

    Dude, you’re the fuckin best!

  • Jenifuckingafer

    Hells yes woman. I get shit all the time for the fuckING way I swear. Not in Mutha fucking CONTEXT.and honestly that’s why I read your blog. CUZ I FUCKING RELATE.

    Love ya!

  • Caitlyn

    Motherfucking douchecanoe.

  • Jessie

    Really, the best part is the truth behind all of this. They wouldn’t be so pissed off about your language if they didn’t WANT to read your posts. They are twitching out because they think you are fucking awesome-sauce and they don’t know how to reconcile. That’s actually sad, and hilarious.

    • Momtothree

      ‘Fucking awesome-sauce’ – I love this.

  • Annie

    Yeah, thank you for this awesome guide as to how to respond to these fucking fucks.

  • Erika O'Connell

    Lick my balls!
    I like douchecanoe, but I prefer douchekabob.
    Rock on, fucker!

  • Michelle

    Typos are worse than swear words, to me. Though you have a master’s degree in English and can write academic analyses about Foucault and Fanon, really smart writers use a proofreader (which happens to be my profession–a curse and a blessing). I tried to ignore the extra space before a period, but when it said, “all kids of other vulgar stuff,” I slapped my fucking forehead! I want to love your blog, but I can’t get past the typos.

    • renegademama

      I’m desperately sad to lose you. Not sure how I’ll pull through.

      I have 4 children, teach college, and have a husband who’s gone all but 3 hours a day. I often have limited time to get writing done. I do my best. Sadly I can’t pay a proofreader yet, and no matter how many times I read something I can’t catch all the errors. Luckily a friend or reader usually lets me know and I fix them ASAP.

      Your curse is not that you’re in the business. It’s that you’re a pretentious dick.

      Jack Daniels.

      • I fucking love you janelle ,!

        ????????????????????????????

      • I Fucking Love You Too, Janelle!

        I didn’t even notice the typo, because I’m not such a douchewaffle as to not read a blog because of one (or even a few) errors. And I fucking love that you curse. 🙂

      • Jan

        AMEN! The context of the sentence made it a logical conclusion that the intended word was “kinds”. WE (followers of this incredible blog)knew what you meant! Keep up the great work Janelle! I especially love this post as I love to swear. I have a coworker I keep accidentally offending with my “vulgar language” and this post was music to my ears! Thank you!

      • Angelina

        Dead ????????????????! I fucking love your blog.

      • Sarah

        Jack fucking Daniels. Your blog is solace to me. Sing it sister!

      • Jessica

        What an uppity cunt. 2 spaces. I did it again.

      • spenser

        Jack Daniels

    • jnl

      who fucking cares about one fucking typo.

      everyone does it. its not like it was bad english or improper grammar.

    • Tree

      Not being able to get past the typos in writing as brilliant as this is like going to a lavish mouthwatering all you can eat gourmet buffet prepared by top chefs and not being able to enjoy any of it because you don’t like potatoes and there happens to be roasted potatoes in the choices. Just skip the fucking potatoes, walk right past them… don’t even look back… and enjoy the lobster dipped in melted butter and all the other orgasm-inducing foods.

      • Michelle

        Mmm… That’s food for thought. I like that analogy.

    • Fay

      Michelle, “really smart writers” who write for free don’t typically have the money to hire a proofreader.

      Also, if everyone were perfect about avoiding typos, copyediting and proofreading would not exist as paid jobs to put food on my table. There’s no need to be a jerk.

    • Jenni

      You *tried* to ignore the extra space – but clearly you didn’t….

      Maybe if you e got so much spare time on your hands you should offer to proofread for Janelle for free — seeing as you’re doing it anyway.

      Then you’d sound less like a pretentious twat and more like a member of our tribe of working mums, trying everyday to get it right – failing most, succeeding some, not knocking ourselves down, supporting our sistas….

      Or you could just be a twat.

      (Ps. I haven’t proofread this…)

  • Jac

    Seriously, I’ve never understood why people go out of their way to read and comment about shit they don’t like. Don’t read it, perhaps?! Me, I like it and will read on. Cheers.

  • Mrs potty talk

    So good. So. Fucking. Good.

  • Rrin

    Other people talk like this…?!? Not just you? Not just me? I’m fucking relieved. And pissed I have to program my phone to say fuck instead of duck. What the hell Apple autocorrect – I can fucking curse if I want to. Love ya girl! Keep on. I read your shit because it speaks to me. ????

    • Tiffany

      I have never once, ever in my life, meant to type “duck” into a text message. Ever. Ducks are fucking useless words!

      • Karisa

        Auto correct is a motherducker isn’t it? Bwaaaaaaahahahaha

        • Ash Hanlon

          Get a Samsung. SAMSUNG phones learn to swear SO FUCKING FAST. they also remember sentences you like to type so …I’ll never have a bastarding apple iPhone ever again! this baby swears sooooo good! It also learnt to sext really fast. which is v handy if you are in a long distance relationship.

    • Kellie

      How do you program it to not say duck?! It drives me fucking nuts!

  • Wendy

    FUCKING LOVE IT!

  • Miranda

    Well, fuck, shit, damn that was refreshing!

  • Meg

    U fucking rock, biatch! Love your shit!

  • Sherry

    Wait, banana soda is fucking amazing! Jesus, Janelle. If you don’t know that, you obviously have way bigger issues than your filthy mouth.

    Heh. This is my happy place.

  • sara

    “Kumby-fucking-ya.”

    best line of an all around fucking terrific post. Will incorporate into my vocabulary as soon as I fucking can.

  • Ana

    I literally shook my head eating that comment and those “arguments.” I too hold an MA in English lit and read your work mostly because I love your style and tone (but also because you’re fucking hilarious).

  • 4am IS sleeping in

    Lick my balls!!! LOVE you! LOVE you! LOVE you!!

    Your cussing is the only reason I read you. It’s the truth serum that lets me know you’re a real woman with kids dealing with this real fucking shitty wonderful family life bullshit we’re all supposed to be loving every goddamn fucking minute….

  • Alex

    Hey,

    Cards on table: I’m a good ol’ born again type, who swears like a trooper, fluently in two languages. Trying not to though, but that’s beside the point.

    What they don’t tell you in Sunday school is that in Philippians 3:7, the writer compares his life without Jesus as ‘refuse’. I understand his original word would have been,’shit’. In the book,’Song of Songs’,the writer makes a few veiled references to the size and girth of his manhood.

    Just saying. 😉

    Alex

    • renegademama

      Among the top 10 comments ever. I stand corrected! Love it, Alex.

    • EQ

      Alex, I didn’t know about the Philippians 3:7 one!

      As I’m aware, “shit” makes a second appearance (along with “piss”) in Isaiah 36:12 🙂

  • Alison

    I’d like to apply this to every fucking moron who disagrees with what I write because they think they’re better/ more knowledgeable/ just goddamn right/ standing on a mound of shit and think it’s a holy pedestal whereupon they judge all and everyone.

    God I love swearing.

  • Lou Taylor

    I’m a tight ass about spelling and typos, etc but typically only find it annoying when it’s an already ignorant post devoid of depth or insight. When I’m reading a brilliant piece my brain just flows over trivial bullshit like spelling and punctuation and it just all flows and when it’s a really a inspiring piece I don’t even see run on sentences. Nope. It just flows. When I have a thing of beauty for my brain to absorb I’ll be God Dammed if I’m going to trip over a perceived flaw. These pieces are raw, beautiful and wildly written with abandon. In my head it’s a beautiful creative process. The type of people who look for flaws in something beautiful will ALWAYS find it. Fuck them. Throw them a Rubik’s Cube and tell them to leave reading your pieces to true Word Warriors. The ones who love all words in all contexts because God damn it, they’re just fucking words. They have every right to be heard right out loud. Anybody can make a bowl of fucking oatmeal but a true literary genius to whip out a Godiva chocolate cheesecake with raspberry swirls that melts on your tongue as soon as it touches it. Amateurs pffffft…bitch, please.

    • renegademama

      Can we just get married and call it a day? This was fucking poetry.

      So fully agree. People who favor polish over substance are pretty much everything wrong in the world.

      • Elle

        Check, mate! I feel that this piece should be shared a billion times over on Facebook (which I don’t have) magazines, scholarly journals, read as an acceptance speech at an awards ceremony, etc. The world is far too uptight, and the trivial things they notice or worry about drives the carefree people in the world insane! This is why Type B personalities are more prone to heart attacks. World, relax! What fucking typo!?!? And why are haters still reading the blog and then commenting backhanded compliments. You’re not welcome here.

  • Lauren

    I always say… profanities are the rainbow sprinkles atop the ice cream sundae that is the English language.

  • Lou Taylor

    See what I did there??? Left out *but it takes true literary genius to whip out a Godiva ..blah, blah. I’m hoping we can bond over those little jewels. Rock on now girl…go do mommy, daddy, chef, pet walker stuff you do while you write some more. Your loyal fans await…..

    • Peggy Miller

      Your Godiva chocolate cheese cake with raspberry swirls made my mouth water. If you don’t want to marry Janelle, I’ll marry you!

  • Gypsywater

    Wait…what?!!! You don’t like fucking fruit-flavored soda??!!!!

  • KRistina T

    Don’t ever change! I like you just as you are! 🙂

  • Peachy Keen Mumma

    I’m impressed you have your masters degree in English. Ducking awesome. That was autocorrected to Duck. Even my phone is against swearing. Ha! That’s hilarious. If people don’t like you swearing on your blog they don’t have to read it. Simple. Your site, your content. Idiots. Fucking idiots.

  • Corina

    I so needed this right now as I try to get my sweet babe back to sleep without my nipple being sucked into his vacuum mouth. Although my nipple is not in his mouth now he’s still sleeping on top of me preventing me from sleeping. Fuck fuck double fuck.

  • Mcton

    Personally I love the cussing like a sailor. You are being considerate of people’s needs – those people who prefer cussing

  • caroline

    What I don’t understand is why people are offended by nice things like “fuck” or “cunt”, by perfectly normal bodily products like “shit” or by imaginary divine beings.

    Why not come up with some really offensive curse words: “war”, “bigotry”, “cancer”.

    • Kerry

      I love it Caroline. It’s too early for me to be more coherent, but I fucking love it.

    • Lou Taylor

      Caroline…most excellent counter punch. Bravo

  • Momtothree

    Oh My Goodness. This has to be one of my favourite pieces ever. You rock, you know you really do. Not only do you deal with the hard stuff, the sad things, the nitty-gritty of the shitty gig that parenting is sometimes, but you make us laugh. And cry. And feel connected in some weird form of sisterhood.
    The English language is diverse and wonderful. And its different tones are what makes it so rich. Swear words add colour to language (and I can swear in several).
    Since your *intent* is not to wound or be hateful, why the fuck do so many self-righteous motherfuckers call you out on this.
    I read Chaucer, as part of my English major, and that’s full of swearing. Shakespeare was the saucy bard. Get with the program people … And read the godamn comment policy!

  • Zippity doo dah fucking day

    Douche canoes and twat waffles offend me. Bible thumpers suck ass. Swearing is an art. Asshats and ass clowns that dislike it should fuck off. Plain and simple.

    • Amy

      Twat waffles!! New favorite…

    • Karyn

      Ok ass clown has always been favorite swear word- until I read twat waffle. Genius!

  • beth

    • Momtothree

      Ha – I had that poster on my FB page. Love it!

  • Peggy Miller

    Sometimes I want to tell people to suck my dick. I am a 39 year old grad student with two kids. Oh, yeah, I’m a girl too.

    I will admit that sometimes I don’t like the way vulgarity sounds coming from other people because, given the context, it does sound mean spirited or uneducated, as if they don’t know how to say good morning any other way. However, again, context. Also, the C-word is not in my vocabulary, and I broke up with a boyfriend once because he didn’t understand why it offended me.

    All in all, rock the eff on. You’re a great writer. Your use of well chosen profanity underscores that.

    • Peggy Miller

      Just to clarify so no one’s confused: please keep swearing when you write. You sound neither mean spirited nor uneducated. I was simply pointing out how I feel about something, which is my deal with some people. Not you. Or anyone here.

      Also, funny story: when my daughter was four, she said, in front of my very Catholic parents: Mommy, you scared the shit out of me. She had a smirk on her face and gave me a look that clearly said I am going to say a bad word and you can’t stop me. And it was clear that I had said that to her more than once. Maybe twice. Possibly a dozen times.
      We all cracked up because it was funny and my Dad replied: Well, if you ever say that again, I’ll beat the shit out of you with pretty much the same smirk on his face that she had on hers. Which, again, made us all laugh. No one was actually beaten. The end.

      • Scififrak

        Great story. Good dad. The end.

    • mbwest

      I know a transboy who tells people to suck his dick now and then. They get all confused when they realise he doesn’t have one…just saying…

  • Melanie Murrish

    Well, I’d be offended if I were you….you are way better at cussing than any sailor I’ve ever met; and believe me, I’ve met a few.

  • Sarah

    I fucking love you!

  • Jamie

    This is beautiful. I’m an elementary school teacher and I also swear like a fucking sailor (not in front of my students of course, because duh), but I’m pretty sure my toddler MAY have picked up a few choice words from me while driving. There’s a time and place for everything and this is YOUR blog, so YOU get to choose the time and motherfucking place. Period.

    On a related note, have you seen Penn and Teller’s Bullshit? It’s been off the air for a while, but if you can get your hands on it you totally should. They do an episode on profanity that I think you would particularly enjoy.

  • Christine

    So fucking glad i found this site!

  • Jill

    One of my favorite things about your blog is the swearing. I started reading in middle-of-the-night sessions when I court sleep because one or the other of my four kids had woken me up and I couldn’t get back to sleep. After my first marathon reading session, I sent the link to my sister, who doesn’t have any kids, with the exclamation, “LOOK! She fucking swears as much as we do!”

    and I will be laughing all day over “Lick my balls” as a response to not being lady like. I actually scared my kids with the outburst of laughter when I read it.

    Thanks for it all.

    • Jill

      Couldn’t sleep… Totally didn’t proofread before pressing send.

  • Corby

    I fucking love your shit. I specifically signed up to your blog because you say fuck as much as I do… and we’re moms… and quite honestly, I started cursing MORE when I popped out those puppies that I love in a beastly way… yippie ky yay mutha fucka..

  • Jo

    I wrote my undergrad thesis on Murakami, and I most DEFINITELY used the word “Fuck” (more than once!), among others. My professors did not die from shock.

  • Erin

    Motherfucking morning made! Thank you!

  • MK

    I fucking love you and your smart, creative, spot-on writing. Keep kicking ass!

  • Hope Irwin

    This is my favorite piece I’ve read so far! If they don’t like your language, they can fucking leave.

  • Rebekah Nemethy

    You are my hero =) and you’re fucking hilarious!

  • Daddy Scratches

    During the many years that I’ve been blogging, I, too, have received a sizable amount of shit from the I-don’t-curse-and-neither-should-you morality police. I, too, have a writing degree and a sizable vocabulary … and yet I shall continue to use “fuck” (or some variation thereof) whenever I feel the moment calls for the saying and/or writing of the word “fuck.”

    I decided long ago that if someone is offended by reading the word “fuck” on my blog, they are not part of the audience I’m trying to reach anyway. They are not part of my “tribe.” So be it.

  • Daddy Scratches

    During the many years that I’ve been blogging, I, too, have received a sizable amount of shit from the I-don’t-curse-and-neither-should-you morality police. I, too, have a writing degree and a sizable vocabulary … and yet I shall continue to use “fuck” (or some variation thereof) whenever I feel the moment calls for the saying and/or writing of the word “fuck.”

    I decided long ago that if someone is offended by reading the word “fuck” on my blog, they are not part of the audience I’m trying to reach anyway.

  • Rachel

    You are offending me by not liking fruit flavored soda. What kind of person doesn’t crave a Fanta now and then??? Love your articles…don’t change a thing. Your voice, your rules.

  • Dawn

    Wish I was a wordsmith and could write something fabulous to let you know how super cool you are. “Fuck’in A” as we would say in Australia.

  • Bonnie

    Fucking-A!!!! This made my day! I love reading your blog because of the language!! It comes across as genuine. I could feel that way because I also swear like they are going to outlaw all curse words tomorrow. The “readers” complaining of your language are not meant for your blog. Just don’t read it you douchesnozzles!

  • LisaC

    This just might be the first time I’ve read every comment on one of your pieces. There are truly gifted people following you. I’d like to invite them all over for a drink, a slice of that cheesecake and talk long into the night.

    Great piece, as always.

    • Momtothree

      We should seriously organize a chat-room or a Skype event or something.
      Where are the techies amongst us? I feel like I know some of you great people just through reading the comments. And we clearly have a lot in common!

      • Clare Parsons

        I’m in! But I assume it’s a BYOB affair

  • Theresa

    “You’re not acting ladylike.”

    Lick my balls.

    (Ooooooooops)

    Not that I didn’t LOVE you before – but this cements it. I fucking love you.

  • valerie

    “because context, motherfucker” this is why i love you.

  • Lorna

    I have an extensive vocabulary and also swear prolifically. I love your posts, every word!

  • Karla

    I absolutely looove the way you write and how you curse in the perfect spots! I enjoy your readings so much and I am sorry others can’t get it! But that’s life!

  • Anita Dayoff

    I once had a Product Manager storm out of a meeting in a fit of passive agressive drama when I told him “writing it down doesn’t make it true. Even if you write it outside by pissing in the snow its still stupid”

    My HR person came in to tell me said Product Manager had claimed I was using profanity and he wanted to file a complaint.

    I explained that we were safe as I had not used profanity. What I had said could have been considered rude, but in no way profane. If I said God Damn stupid he’d be correct.

    I went on to note that had I said Shit instead of Piss it would have been scatological and rude. If I said Fucking stupid, it would be vulgur. If I had said God Damn Fucking stupid, it would be both profane and vulgur. And if I had said “Jesus H Christ, Daniel is not only full of shit, but a God Damn Fucking idiot,” it would be true.

    People who complain about stong language rarely know what the fuck they are talking about. That’s obscene.

    Red Foxx did an excellent bit on this subject. It ended with “Let me take you outside and slam the car door on your hand. You’ll say Shit and Motherfucker.”

  • Michael J. Curtiss

    This. All of it.

    From a confirmed douchepontoon with a penis: thank you from the bottom of my entitled white male heart.

    MJC

  • Sandy

    I’m so jealous that you have so many people engaged in your blog, they feel the need to correct you! That’s a sign you have arrived, LOL! I know, be careful what you wish for. Thanks as always for your laser-like clarity and masterful use of the English language.

  • Heather

    Yes!! So perfect! I could never understand why the word Fuck upsets some people so much. The thing is… if you say “I fucking love you!”.. or you say.. “I fucking hate you!”… The word “fucking” is not the problem here.

  • Ribbett

    My eldest son’s first fully formed sentence (at around 15 months) was “I can’t get the fucking lid off” (as he struggled with a bottle). So I guess he’s not a lady either, but he comprehended and applied appropriate context, even at that tender age. Of course he was just reflecting behavior modeled by me, but he learned how and when to use the word “fuck” just as he learned how and when to use every other word in his vocabulary.

    And I don’t think you “cuss like a sailor”, Janelle. That’s far too cliched. You cuss like the fucking professional expletive hurler you are! Bollocks to the twee precious snowflakes who can’t handle the swearing – I hope their douchecanoes get stranded up shit creek and they lose their paddles.

  • Suasn

    laughing AND clapping my hands as I read this

  • Myv

    A few years back, there was an individual who repeatedly would come in to my workplace and act in a manner that went against one of the policies of the business. My co-workers and I, as per our job description, tried to educate this person in an appropriate manner time and time again to no avail. This person even went so far as to start a petition to have the policy changed, in spite of the fact that there were logical reasons behind having the policy in the first place. It was very stressful, on one hand was the boss’ confusion and agitation about the lack of our combined ability to effectively do our job and on the other hand having to regularly appeal to this person to please just respect the fact that they were expected to follow the rules like everyone else. One night, after the usual plea and rude response, I was threatened with a lawsuit. Later when this person was leaving, I heard a smug voice saying, “You have a good night, now.” My unplanned response was “Fuck off.” There was a moment of silence, then all of sudden it was like I had given them a gift. The person, with a huge smile, wrote my name down and proceeded to announce it to the world. Not only did my employer receive a letter, but also a complaint was filed with the Better Business Bureau, bad Yelp reviews were posted, and I heard there was even an entire Facebook group created about it. It sucked. I felt like an asshole. Lucky for me though, I had immediately told my boss what had happened, and that individual and their sidekick were asked to never return.
    I still don’t get it though, the fact that this person had consistently acted in an offensive/abusive manner, but tried to make me the scapegoat for saying one “bad” word…

    I love how you write, because I believe it’s how you actually talk. When I read your posts I feel like we’re having a soul-soothing chat about our shared experience. It’s so easy for moms in our society to feel really isolated, and you help alleviate some of that for your readers. It would be a shame to censor yourself to pacify a bunch of control-freaks.

  • liz

    Fucking Hysterical Shit

  • Clare Parsons

    Hear, hear, well-spoken Bruce. I’ve got a doctorate in literature and during my many years of expensive, fruitless study I have observed how many of the world’s great masterpieces have authors or characters who swear up a storm–beautifully too. Now I keep myself alive by teaching business English to groups of students. My buddies and I teach about audience , the rhetorical triangle, whatever you want to call it all fucking semester. There is a pretty stable percentage of students who never get it. After 15 weeks of repeating the same fucking thing. I think I’m going to refer them to this blog. Maybe they’ll get it because you’re swearing a lot and it doesn’t sound like another boring textbook.

  • Ms Seedy

    Janelle, have you been introduced to The Fucking Word of the Day yet?
    http://thefuckingword.com/

  • Rachel

    Why did you make us click that stupid ass blog article? You bitch 😉

  • Axelle

    Do you want me to teach you some french bad words to say, instead of FUCK ? 😀

    • Bonnie

      I’ve always liked ‘phoque’ because it sounds like a swear, but totally isn’t 😀

  • Bonnie

    Wonderful post! I wrote something about the very same subject, where I introduced the phrase “colossal fucking titpilot” from a random swear generator. Glorious 😀

    • Clare Parsons

      I’m a big fan of all the “new” words that use the word ass in combination with something else. Asshat, ass clown, ass monkey…all so much fun to say

  • Amanda

    Please don’t ever change! I love your writing style and although we don’t have a ton in common (I have no kids, 1 job instead of a million, a hubby who is home nightly from his job) I find I relate and understand you so damn well! You are intelligent, interesting, humorous and downright enjoyable and relatable. Thank you for being you and sharing you with us. Fuck the haters!

  • Sam

    I like the swearing
    Duh, or I wouldn’t be subscribed. Great stuff in this fucking blog.

  • Tony

    I *loved* this.
    So fucking much.
    I’m so sick of people whining about so-called profanity. The way I look at it-I’m an atheist. I don’t care about swearing before god. I don’t care about profane language that offends god. I’m not worried about curses from god. To me, cursing/swearing/profanity is just another type of language. I find it is colorful and a way to express myself, especially when I want to discuss the shitty things that go on in the world.
    Another amusing this is that many, many people seem incapable of reading the substance of a comment if they see a ‘fuck’. It’s like they focus on that one word, and no matter what point is being made, they cannot see it. The poor fucking dears.

  • Sofie

    You guys are deadset legends.
    A few months ago my four year old dropped something and said “Oh, bumshitter!”
    Not a term I’ve ever used, but I give him props for creativity, and using it in the right context!
    This post made me really fucking happy.

  • Sandy

    You are all my motherfucking kindred spirits. Fuck, especially you Janelle. Keep this shit the fuck up!

  • Jac

    I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly…like a fucking lady

  • Amethyst

    I’m not a sweary person, but I don’t begrudge anyone else their full and varied use of language! I think it’s an important part of informal writing, it gives flavour to certain narrative that would just be boring otherwise.
    It’s all about context.
    And when it gets too over the top for me I cringe… Or blush… And skim over those parts ????

  • cassie

    I love swearing. Growing up I never swore, in fact I remember the first time I said the word ‘fuck’. It was the middle of the night and my 6 month old firstborn would not settled. I was strung out, didn’t know what else I could do. I just held her, my head resting against her back as I said “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…”.

    My life changed. I found how liberating swearing was. It felt good. It relieved stress.

    Recently I have taken an interest in linguistics, and one thing has stood out… They are all just words. Some are more taboo then others, they all convey meaning in various degrees…but they are just words

  • Sassyscholar

    In response to the unjustified accusations being brought against JM, I should like to point out that her articulate use of the expletive “Lick my balls”, in response to a small minority bringing charges of her not acting in a “ladylike” manner, is both witty and inspired.
    By using a male attribute (having testicles), she levies serious doubts as to whether it is even correct to make assumptions about a writer based on their sex (today this is considered sexist and wrong). JM both does away with the fallacious argument, and instills humour and levity.
    In light of the fact that certain of her crtics also make allusions as to the perceived lack of sophistication of herself and her readers, I hope to have demonstrated to said minority that this too is complete bollocks.
    Now go fuck yourselves.

    • Sassyscholar

      Critics – so sorry for the typo.
      Let me go and auto-flagellate …

  • sober mommy

    You are teaching people, including me, to stop worrying about what the friggen world thinks of us! So strong!

    Thank you!

    I love, love, love this!

    Fuck it feels good…. I think I’m done pussy footing around everyone in order to please ‘what they think I should sound like, or act like, or be, or any other fucking thing’. I just wanna be ME!

    Love ya!

  • Jenna

    Aww, the Swearing Police tried to put me in my place just yesterday. I wish I had read this at the time so I could be like, “Dude, your points are incredibly invalid.”

    And fucking stupid.

    The morality and kids one gets me every time. I don’t swear in front of my kids (though I don’t care if others do) but we’ve discussed words and weight and meaning and context each and every time they ask me about a new word they’ve heard at school OR FUCKING CHURCH or on kids’ movies/television. (These conversations are more fun than discussing the Cialis commercial.) The “gentleman” last night told me he wouldn’t want me around his kids. Because I secretly whisper cusses in kids’ ears? Whatever. Call me immoral and disrespectful without knowing anything more than I said fuck in a facebook comment. Go ahead. It shows you’re the bigger asshole.

    /end rant

    (Sorry. I’m still riled up, apparently.) Going to share this one. Ahem.)

  • Catherine

    When I was about 10 I overheard my mother tell my father, in response to his plea to stop saying the work ‘fuck’, that ‘it is a very expressive word and I’ll fucking say it if I fucking want to. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK’. I think I learned to cuss like a sailor from a master. And BTW – typos be dammed, it just shows you are not perfect and that is what we can love about each other!

  • Emily

    My mother tells me (with astonishing regularity) that my swearing habit is “low class.” She insists that we didn’t talk like that at home and wonders where I’ve picked it up. (My parents divorced when I was 5. One household’s language: squeaky clean. The other household’s language: littered with shits, damns and fucks starting at an early age, though admittedly only in appropriate context.) She tries to impress upon me that speaking the way that I speak makes me sound far less intelligent than I really am. And my whole thing is: if I can go to work and politely word emails to people who barely speak my language that they’re total fucking idiots AND have them thank me for it … CLEARLY I’m doing something write, in which case — who the fuck cares what I say in my own fucking house?

  • Karyn

    I like to throw in a casual “can you believe this shit?” early on when meeting people socially. It’s amazing how fast you can find your kindred spirits by the response. If I get a “fuck yeah!” I know I’ve got a good one. It’s almost like “Jack Daniels?” for everyday conversations.

  • Jannie Louise

    OMFG! Your honesty makes my heart SING!! As a (frowned upon) swearer, in the right casual context- I often talk to my kids about the difference between what adults can do, and what kids can do… Driving, voting, are some things; swearing. (although if they stubbed their toe and home and said “Yikes, shit that hurt!!”, I wouldn’t really get to stressed about it…. as you say context. If the school phoned complaining that their language is completely inappropriate and disgusting, then I’d have to explain it to them again. But they aren’t thick, they get it. Kids are idiots. Context. I love it, it is completely all about the context. Nice work, From NZ!!!! xx

  • Jennifer

    People can start their own sanitized motherfucking blogs if that’s what they want to do. Nobody is forcing them to read your fucking swears.

  • Fiona

    Swearing is my favourite. Swearing and paywave. Though I suspect swearing is better for me than paywave. Some guy did a piece of research that concluded that people who swear are either very very posh – because they don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks, or complete knackers – because they don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. I like to think I am the former. Though I suspect I am the latter. Janelle, you are the fucking bomb. Thanks.

  • nicole cemente

    for fucks sake im sick of it too!!! I write like I talk and people can just farken deal and no that’s not a typo I just like to spell fucking with an “a” and an “en”. why? coz I farken can that’s why. seriously if people don’t like swearing they should pick up 2 pencils and jam them in their mother farken ears and perforate their ear drums, then stab their eyes out and they wont hear or see anything that offends them anymore. Seriously what happens when these people watch the news and see stories about paedophiles messing with kids or murders and shit?? they must having a farken heart attack on the spot if they find mere swearing offensive!! Dickheads get the fuck over yourselves and spend your time complaining about things that really matter and just have a giggle at this fabulous blog it always makes me laugh my farken ass off!!!
    Kindest Farken Regards
    Nicole
    xoxo

  • Nicole

    Fuckity fucking fuckino! I god damn shitting love this fucking shit. Also, can we bring “knackers” (see above comment) into the American vernacular?

  • Clare Parsons

    I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen this. A masterful performance.

  • bbq

    Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke. I have a degree in English as well and I’m proud to say that motherfucker is one of my favorite words. So much so that I don’t even save it for special occasions anymore.

  • Amy DuBois

    I used the term “douche canoe” in a Facebook post a few weeks ago, and I think I MADE friends! LOL. Now THOSE are my kinda people. They appreciate that I am intelligent, witty, and expressive on many levels! Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.

  • Stacy

    I fucking love you and your fucking blog posts 🙂 Shit sometimes I feel like I LEARNED a few new words or concepts after reading your blogs. So therefore you and your awesome sauce self are really sharing words of wisdom and helping to enlighten the poor saps who just don’t have a clue. Keep on keeping on mama!

  • Jayme May

    Janelle,
    Would it be okay with you if I also use a link to this post when people are bitching about my choice of words? Because, that’d be fucking awesome!

    Love you woman, for more reasons than you will ever know.

    On another note…are there any other Renegade Mothering readers out there that live in north Texas? I moved way the hell out in the country and am looking for “Mom friends”. Needless to say, anyone that is a fan of this blog I believe I could allow in my home and not want to strangle. Just throwing it out there.

  • Cheryl S.

    “Lick my balls” wins the internet for today. I needed that laugh.

    I was an English major too and I love words. Even the 7 dirty words you can’t say on TV. And since I can recite them from memory, here they are:
    Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Thank you, George Carlin (a true word genius).

  • Gram

    I just found your blog today and it’s freaking awesome! My kids are adults now and I’m a grandma, and I’m not a social media or blog kinda person. (NNTAWWT) And posting comments? I don’t bother. But I just had to tell you that you are such a blessing. My younger mom self would have been so relieved to read such a gloriously irreverent and validating collection of honest, real life stories as yours. Please keep it up! You are a voice of reason and moms need people like you. I’m sending a link to both of my amazing daughters in law.
    And in case you haven’t heard it before… the rule “don’t be a dick” is Wheaton’s Law. As in Wil Wheaton. And it’s the only law you need.
    God bless you and all of your awesome kiddos! Oh, and your handsome hubby too 😉

  • Tina

    Damn right! Oh my goodness, I laughed so hard I had tears leaking out of my eyes. Of course, that makes me wonder about why I even bother trying to get my 18 year old to control the f bombs flying out of his mouth as he plays a video game, but comfort myself in the fact that it’s my house and I don’t blink at most of what he says, the too frequent use of fuck is where I draw the line – it’s like he’s getting all the built up fucks out of his system from before he turned 18 and then graduated high school when he was supposed to cuss at all, much less say fuck. But I agree. It’s your blog. You know your audience. We are mothers – probably mostly exasperated mothers (even if mine are older – but I only found you a couple years ago and I could SO relate – and my youngest isn’t that much older than Ava) who couldn’t give a damn about what “those” people think about cussing. There are actual BENEFITS to cussing, as well. It helps with pain relief, among other things. Well, here’s a link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/hell-yes-the-7-best-reasons-swearing Throw that at the fuddy duddies next time they complain.

  • sara

    as a Christian I must say you truly do make me laugh your no-nonsense way and approach of telling it like it is is very refreshing if some people don’t like it well they don’t have to read your blog but as for me I willand just keep on laughing at all you crazy truthful responses to life

  • insatiablebooksluts

    This. Is. Everything.

  • Kristine

    I fucking love you

  • Leo

    I’m a Sailor who doesn’t cuss (due to the residual effects of a religious upbringing) but, my wife who isn’t one cusses like one. It’s pretty awesome and we compliment each other. She typically says stuff the way I wish I could. Keep doing what your doing, not that you need my blessing by any means. You are hilarious.

  • Lauren

    My husband and I are in the midst of a charge-one-another-a-dollar-for-each-swear-word thing. Our kid is just turning one, and his babbling is starting to sound like words, so I had a momentary freakout that his first word, like his mother’s, would be “shit.” So far I owe the hubs around $50. At very least, it’s fun to fund eachother’s next extravagant purchase with sentence enhancers.

  • Kelly Render

    I’m so sick of people thinking everyone else has to stop fucking offending them. Don’t like it don’t fucking read it! Go some where else and read what doesn’t offend you. Leave the rest of us the fuck alone.

  • loney

    vulgar times call for vulgar expression. every time i see his face, i think “oh fuck! now fucking what?”

  • Reenie

    OMFG, you’re my soulmate, lol.

  • Paula G.

    I just found you thanks to your post “Dear White Women” (which is fucking amazing). Where have you been all my life.
    Also: I would LOVE to offer you free proofreading. I’m pretty good at it. But honestly it’s probably more fun to watch the ninnies comment and then read the responses. (But really, I’d love to do that for you).

  • Tracey

    FUCKING brilliant. I just discovered your blog and am already a fan!! Can’t wait to read more! Keep it up.

  • Trackbacks

  • Trackback from Link Love (2016-03-08) | Becky's Kaleidoscope
    Tuesday, 8 March, 2016

    […] ““But I don’t like swearing.” Yeah well I don’t like fruit-flavored soda but I don’t go around demanding that others drink what I do because it’s obviously right since my taste is my favorite (ever heard of cyclical logic?). I realize that some people like that crap even though I find it foul and wrong on multiple levels and cringe at the mere scent of it. In other words, my friend, all you have is a bunch of opinions about swearing that are just that: personal choices regarding how to talk. That’s it. Full stop. I’ve made different choices. Neither of us is better than the other. Kumby-fucking-ya. The problem is that you go out of your way to belittle and diminish people because they see the world differently, come from a different place, write to a different audience, hold different opinions on morality and depth, even though they are not harming you in any way whatsoever SINCE NOBODY IS GLUING YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EYEBALLS TO THE PAGE.” Yes I’m a goddamn sailor and yes I will continue to ignore you – Renegade Mothering […]

Leave a Comment

Comment policy: Try not to be a dick.