Let me get this straight. God created everything. He (we’ll assume God has a gender and it’s male, because I’m guessing you’ll like that better) made the sun and moon and clouds and oceans. He made every animal, every fish, bacteria, plant, and bug.
He made volcanoes that erupt molten rock and oceans pulled by the moon and gravity and seasons and delicate ecosystems that live and die and recreate and live again. He created the earth in all its ornate mind-boggling complexity to allow for the inhabitation of human beings. He made our cells hold together just so and our brains so complex we can’t even begin to understand them entirely and we are the ones who have them.
He created bodies that birth and heal and function daily with a beating heart and flowing blood and he did all this in addition to, um, creating the motherfucking universe.
An ever-expanding universe. Galaxies of billions of stars. Ever-expanding galaxies rushing into an infinite void.
And this dude, this God, this white dude you evidently worship, this omniscient being who created everything from our ever-expanding universe to the micro-bacteria that keep us alive, also gives a shit if you serve a bakery cake to a gay dude.
That’s right. NO PASTRIES FOR THE GAYS.
He’s also super involved in bathroom issues and making sure transgender folks don’t have access to Civil Rights. This is extremely important to the creator of the universe.
He also wants to make sure brown people don’t make it into America with their wily, brown-people ways. Especially if they don’t speak American. You gotta look American and speak American to be in America. That’s God’s will.
God loves America. That is why he created national borders. Wait. Did God create national borders? Are you arguing God created national fucking borders?
ARE YOU REALLY FUCKING ARGUING THAT GOD FUCKING ALMIGHTY CREATED RANDOM ARBITRARY LINES WE CAN ALL FIGHT OVER AND KILL PEOPLE FOR SO WE CAN EARN MORE GREEN PAPER WITH NO ACTUAL VALUE WHICH WE WILL ALL LOSE ANYWAY WHEN WE DIE?
It’s cool. I’m fine.
How am I doing so far, oh far-right fanatical “Christian?” Am I holding strong so far?
God is okay with endorsing child predators as long as it will beat Democrats.
God really, really hates Democrats.
God hates Democrats almost as much as he hates gay people.
So what if a grown man preys on children? They’re just girls. God doesn’t like girls as much as boys. That’s why the violation and objectification of their bodies is of minimal importance in light of political gain, particularly in the service of the obscenely wealthy.
God gets really angry when the richest 1% of America aren’t served more and more money bags. That’s why the Bible says: “Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with money bags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail…”
Wait. It doesn’t say God wants billionaires to rake in more wealth on the backs of the needy.
Whatever. Let’s move on. Maybe your God doesn’t come from the Bible? Huh. Weird.
Anyway, God obviously hates poor people. If he loved them, he would have made them rich.
Like a blessing.
Let’s not forget how God is not worried about human influence on the delicate balance he created and in fact believes climate change is fake news.
He does, however, occasionally punish Californians with earthquakes and wildfires for being queer antifa pieces of shit.
God also hates Starbucks cups that aren’t sufficiently Jesus-y.
After creating gravity, The Almighty articulated paper-cup printing standards.
I’ve noticed your God doesn’t care about a lot of things I would think he’d care about, but I guess He’s a complicated guy. Some may say “hypocritical” and “nonsensical” but one thing your God hates, I’ve observed, is critical thinking.
Critical thinking must be of the devil.
Let’s get back to sexual assault of young girls. Apparently, because Mary was underage when she was impregnated by God, raping teenagers is A-okay.
Sure. That seems real.
He also doesn’t care about men who brag about the physical assault of women because it’s just “locker room talk.”
Also, that Moore guy is definitely innocent because he’s Republican and women are liars and he’s not a Democrat.
Like guns, sexual assault and racism are God-given American rights.
ALL HAIL TRUMP JESUS, sent from the Almighty.
You know what?
Fuck your small, sad God. Fuck him all the way to hell. You’ve deployed the concept of religion to oppress, beat, rape, kill, and harass. I’m tired of your pathetic dreamland spirituality. Your ever-shifting imaginary ego God. Your evil, slight, simple-minded, nonsensical Creator.
Nazis in the streets? The ones chanting Third Reich slogans? They call themselves worshippers of your God, plus Hitler. (Hitler? Remember him? The one who burned babies in ovens?)
The money-and-power-worshipping men in D.C. creating laws to strip the most vulnerable among us of their health and money? They call themselves worshippers of your God.
The Westboro Baptist Church? The ones who rejoice in the deaths of gay people, harass their family members while they mourn? They call themselves worshippers of your God.
You know what Jesus did?
He washed the feet of his disciples. He ate with sinners and whores.
Your story is a lie.
You are some grade-A fake news.
And if there is a hell, you’re first in line. No worries though, I’ll pray for your damned soul. That’s a lie. I probably won’t. (I ain’t that holy.)
It’s time we bury your small, sad God.
Maybe next to Nietzsche, though surely his atheist ass did less harm.
Peggy MillerWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 12:16
I am studying for finals, because getting a clinical doctorate when you’re 41 and have two kids sounded like a good time. This popped up and it made me afraid to check the interwebs. Because if what I think happened happened, it means I could legally refrain from providing health care to whomever I don’t like. Which, in theory, could include racists, so I guess there’s that….
Jon ZalWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 12:22
Cheryl S.Wednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 13:32
So much love for this. SO.MUCH.LOVE.
SueWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 14:06
I’m a Christian who hates what these self-proclaimed “Christians” are doing, both to the faith and to the world. Once again, you express perfectly the things I sputter day in and day out. Thank you.
LindaWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 14:15
I think that would be a small, sad, god. The God I worship–and I do–is much, much bigger, much more all-inclusive, and is filled with love that overflows for His creation. That’s why He ate with sinners and whores and told us to remember that we’ve all sinned and have fallen short and to keep on remembering that everyone needs love while we’re here. That’s God. It isn’t god. god can go jump in the lake. he needs to butt out. Thanks for ranting for those of us who just don’t have the same platform–you do it like no other. You know, a God given talent. I love you and your voice. Seriously. You are certifiably awesome!
SherryWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 14:26
I love you. I have not managed to walk through the doors of my church since the day during the pre-election madness when our church leaders told us that trump is a godly man.
Nope. Nope, nope, nope. I almost set the place on fire. I have been going to that church for 10 years, but nope. If that’s the God we serve here, I am all the fucking way out. I just can’t. Fuck to the nope.
Anyway, if anyone knows anywhere in Canada that serves the God you speak of here, then please let me know. I’ll drive.
kristine obrienThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 11:37
So I’m a Presbyterian minister. Come on over. Some of us know that small god is bullshit.
Sharon MillerFriday, 8 December, 2017 at 13:46
I actually left the Baptists for the Presbyterians because I cannot abide their small, terrible theology. It is amazing to be among Christians who actually follow Christ and also do so much more for the community than those who spend most of their time hating everyone in it.
KimFriday, 8 June, 2018 at 5:01
I went Unitarian Universalist…love without judgement
Jennifer SchartzWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 15:04
God also cares what orifice one concenting adult adult puts into another concenting adult.
Calvin AkersWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 15:35
The major problem I see, when people evoke GOD into conversation, is the enormous lack of understanding they have of HIM. They allow their own frustrations and shortcomings to affect how they choose to perceive HIM – they tend to use what they see in the world as proof that GOD doesn’t rate our consideration nor respect. What’s equally misunderstood, is the idea that it’s GOD’S fault that the world is as screwed up as it is. For sure, their continued blasphemy will their coffin.
To them I would say, when GOD made Adam and Eve, HE made them perfect, which I agree is a far cry from what we see in the world today. What these GOD haters haven’t taken into consideration, however, is that when GOD made man, HE created him and planted in him the privilege of “FREE WILL” as well as in the woman, Eve!
It is from this FREE WILL that man was able to SIN. And because of Adam’s sin, he was no longer perfect and through him, Adam, NOT only did sin enter the world but with it came imperfection. Yes, we are an imperfect being. The world we see now, is in no way the “paradise world” our first earthly parents were placed in – the Garden of Eden!
To the GOD haters, the ‘so-called’ logical and intelligent, I say to you that GOD did NOT create volcanoes to spew out “molten rock”, if HE did, then what kind of paradise would the Garden have been? The “molten rock” came later as testament to the SIN of man. Furthermore, it is to the complexity of Creation that I say GOD did Create the “moon, sun, oceans, brain and all.” The complexity of such required super power beyond your finite intellect. It required the Almighty Powers that ONLY GOD possesses.
ONLY the finite mind can and will omit GREATER probability, putting in its place the lesser probability that through evolution and evolution alone could such COMPLEXITY have taken place. From NOTHING to something – NO, wait – there was something, we just don’t know exactly what it was but through theory we surmise. COMPLEXITY! The finite mind reconciles that from “grunts and groans” comes speech, and the brain, despite all its complexity, is too complex for Almighty GOD to have made.
The GOD haters are quick to blame, but very slow to understand that GOD is MUCH more complex than the adoption of theory in universal science. Read the Bible.. that’s when you learn why things are as they are, and why the finite, scientific mind will always take a back seat to the MOST inexplicable appearance of all times!
Kathy SThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 20:39
YIKES! Calvin go back to your cave and let the grown-ups talk.
Calvin AkersFriday, 8 December, 2017 at 7:56
Kathy S, truly a “small-minded” response!
Perhaps, one day after you grow up, you’ll be able to see there are two sides to every story. Only the “finite” minds react to points other than theirs well made.
You are of the “finite minded” class. You choose to go it alone under your own disfunctional understanding.
LlSaturday, 16 December, 2017 at 10:57
You really didn’t understand a word she wrote. She isn’t denying God’s greatness. She is pointing out how some “Christians” use the name of the Lord to do horrible things to other human beings.
And through sarcasm (which you clearly missed) expresses that an almighty and great and amazing God, who is merciful and speaks of not judging, of being helpful and basically good people to everyone,wouldn’t care if 2 gay people have a consented relationship as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. Just like he wouldn’t care if 2 straight people are having a relationship as long as they are not hurting anyone. And this God, this great good loving God would care GREATLY if a catholic priest rapes a child.That’s way bigger business than trans people accessing the right bathroom. So, to make it even clearer the BIG GOD cares about tolerance,mercy, love and compassion for all people, while the “small God” she critiques is an invention of actual small minded people who uses their religion to spread hate and intolerance. They are the ones actually blaspheming claiming God would endorse their horrific behaviour and hateful speech.
Get it now?
BarbWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 18:10
Amen sister! I love this, thank you for writing what I often think!!!
BarbWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 18:11
Amen sister! I love that you write what I am thinking and feeling!
CheneyWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 19:49
Love you, love this, love that I know exactly what your voice sounds like when you’re all NO PASTRIES FOR THE GAYS?! I know, I’m with you. Fuck this stupid God they speak of. Now I’m going to make some popcorn and set up camp in the comments section.
JoThursday, 7 June, 2018 at 16:41
Don’t be uncivilized! If you’re going to camp out in any way, shape, or form there must be s’mores!
SaraWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 19:56
You literally could take any religion ever since the beginning of I don’t know..forever..and you will find major hipocracies.. fact of the matter is that some..most people on this planet turn to some sort of religion to help them cope with life.. Things are what they are. With that said I generally enjoy your blog, so thank you for that. 🙂
Lou TaylorWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 21:14
Holy wow. I’m so in awe of your marksmanship in this piece I am speechless. Yes, yes, oh hell yes, Fucking YES.Fucking A Right, YES. Love you more than ever!
KeloWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 22:19
Hell yes! Every word razor sharp and crafted to perfection. Once again thank you for such a masterclass in both writing and bring a decent fucking human being. Love you lady x
KeliWednesday, 6 December, 2017 at 22:21
MichaelaThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 6:29
I love it when you rant! 🙂
PhyllisThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 11:11
Absolutely-freaking-lutely. Amen. Praise Jesus. Mic drop.
BethThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 11:15
BethThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 11:17
BethThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 11:16
kristine obrienThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 11:38
NicoleThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 11:54
Oh HELL yes!!!
MarieThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 12:13
Preach it Janelle! Because not enough people are.
What if all of us that believed this, that believed that God is love and that Jesus told us to love EVERYONE not just the people we like, the people that think and look like us, but everyone, what if we all started standing up and preaching….? Hmmmmm
ShannonThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 12:22
MarciaThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 12:37
Nailed it! Even with all my “religious” friends I still posted this on FB. Thank you!
AdriaThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 12:45
well put! My “Christian” family couldn’t even call, or text for that matter, my husband after his back surgery which he told them about on Thanksgiving. ONE uncle, Facebook messaged me “hey, how’s he doing?” This is why I am not a Christian. I believe in God, the Universe, all that is good, but Christians have been doing it wrong for eons. That is all 🙂 Love you!
DawnThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 12:51
I’m with you.
karen lindquistThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 13:45
OMFG, did I ever need to read that today. Seriously. Are we all tuning into the same frequency today? Fuck.
I just saw my body worker, who is a saint, and she said I was like a rock and I went on a political “fuck the world” rant and she said almost every client she has had the last week or two was in the same place.
They are causing us physical pain with this insane belief in so much hateful crap that will only kill us all in the end.
That you for so eloquently screaming that primal scream in such a beautifully articulate manner. I bow to thee.
LorainThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 14:05
Thank you, thank you, thank you from this grandmother.
As for me, I quit going to Sunday School after our teacher told me that black and white people worship differently. That was her answer to my question about racial equality, just after MLK, Jr had been murdered in our city. I kept going to church services, until we got a new minister who preached that old Southern Baptist hate. But, I still went to high school Young Life. I quit religion altogether in college, and I’m fine out here among the agnostics and atheists. It’s terrific when religion is a positive thing people’s lives; I’m happy for them. As long as they keep their beliefs out of other people’s business, the law, and The Constitution of the United States of America, they’ll get no argument from me. However, I
know both the Bible and The Constitution quite well, so they’d best not start one with me. I am ready for those kinds of “Christians.”
(Not here, though. This is your space.)
LorainThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 14:07
Oops. Sorry about that line break out of nowhere.
MarianThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 14:26
Amen!! Seriously love this. It’s so embarrassing when self-professed “Christians” claim some crazy right to assert their beliefs over other people because they’ve projected their sad friggin small minds onto the creator of the universe. I’m a Mormon, and I cannot stand people who cite God for all of the crap that you listed. Like why do people gotta be this way?!? Jesus did not die for everyone so that people could get their panties in a twist over such shallow garbage. -_-
CJThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 16:51
This is how we feel too. Which is why I quit church. Which is why I can’t talk to most of my extended family. Which is why the problems of this world are not because we aren’t following “what God wants” but what “what they think God is concerned about”. Which is why my stupid brother in law has his entire family pray for every football game. Because God needs to take a vote about which team should win. Stupid AF
RhiannonThursday, 7 December, 2017 at 22:35
I don’t have time in my new mommy life to say what I’m thinking eloquently…and I know you all understand..so just THANK YOU! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! THANK YOU! AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALLAH, BUDDHA, JESUS, THE SPAGHETTI MONSTER! THANK YOU!
AmandaFriday, 8 December, 2017 at 3:44
As a Christian, I say a big fucking AMEN!
C. PereraFriday, 8 December, 2017 at 4:45
Am I missing something here. I did not know God sold cakes at bakeries and play watchman in the toilets. Who said God want sell cake to gays. Those who do that are just as ignorant as you are. There is no cure for ignorance and stupidity.
MaryElFriday, 8 December, 2017 at 15:27
Oh you said that just so well! The more someone harps on how Christian they are, the less I trust them. Talk about God and prayer and I’m outta here. They bring way more bad than good to the world. “God” is a cop-out so people don’t have to take responsibility for their actions.
Kathleen HamiltonSunday, 10 December, 2017 at 16:18
One of the very few lessons I learned in 12 years of Catholic school was that “taking the name of the Lord in vain” did not involve yelling “Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick!” when you slam your finger in the door. Rather it is representing to others that you speak for the Lord when you espouse hate, that your words are His words when you proclaim bigotry, intolerance and cruelty. That is taking the Lord’s name in vain, and Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick, if that isn’t what all these so-called evangelical Christians do every day, in every way.
PicaflorMonday, 11 December, 2017 at 9:34
Right on!!!! Totally agree and love that you are writing this truth and sharing with so many!! Please keep doing it! Thank you
AlisonMonday, 11 December, 2017 at 21:16
Thank you for your anger and your humour. It is just mind-boggling what people will do in the name of God. Especially privileged, white, so-called Christians.
Jay BeeTuesday, 12 December, 2017 at 7:00
Yes, yes and yes!!! Girl – you are out here telling them things they don’t want to hear!!!
Ashley VWednesday, 27 December, 2017 at 16:20
I’m going lay down something unpopular here: God laid the cosmic egg that expanded into this universe and then likely fucked off to create more universes (as one does). It’s just us here sheeple; do u want to live the n a world of love or hate? Great work Janelle!