15 signs you need to GTFU

by renegademama

I agree with this dude who said parents need to calm the fuck down.

I would like to add that people need to grow the fuck up. From this point forward, we shall use the acronym GTFU. Sometimes, that’s the simple answer. Calm the fuck down, GTFU.

Personally, I’m pretty tired of people walking around as if they’re grown up, only to commit some fatal juvenile act outta the damn blue, signaling a formerly unknown, totally unmanageable well of immaturity. It’s actually rather disturbing. You’re hanging out with somebody all chill and shit thinking “Yeah, look at us, two adults.” And then boom! It happens and you’re all “Oh, wow. I was wrong. You’re my tween.” Possibly my toddler.

I mean come ON, I’m immature. But even I have figured out a few things during my years, and my bar is low I assure you. Some things just aren’t right, and whether we want to or not, at some point, in some areas, we simply must GTFU.

So in the interest of helpfulness (not really, I actually have no interest in being helpful at all), I have compiled a list of behaviors that really signal a need to GTFU.

This list is not comprehensive.

15 SIGNS YOU NEED TO GTFU

1. Finding yourself disturbed for more than 12 seconds by something you read on The Twitter. Check this out: There’s real life and there’s social media.Twitter falls into the category of “social media.” Social media is known to be the gathering ground of all idiots of the world, because not only are they idiots, they are INVISIBLE IDIOTS, which empowers the shit outta them. So, since it surpasses standard dumb exponentially via the blessing of anonymity, social media weirdness needn’t compel serious introspection or offense, but rather one thought and one thought only: What the hell is wrong with these people? And then you get back into real life.

2. Getting unfriended on Facebook results in days of thought and emotional turmoil. If you’re pissing people off, you’re doing it right. Well, usually. Unless you’re Rush Limbaugh or a proponent of this website, which promotes the equal treatment of white people (because that’s obviously always been a problem). There’s no way anybody on that website is doing it right.

3. Involving yourself in every corner of your kids’ lives, telling yourself it’s “for their good.” Look, the rest of the world knows you need to GTFU, because really, it’s all about you. You have not realized your childhood is over. Ship fully sailed. Please stop controlling your kids to bolster the value and meaning of your own existence. We are now in grown-up mode, where we reflect on past mistakes with a mix of nostalgia and horror as opposed to attempt to FIX them through innocent children. Get with the program!

4. You are offended/disturbed/made to feel funny by women breastfeeding in public without a cover. Masturbate, watch porn, move to Denmark. DO WHAT IT TAKES TO FIX YOURSELF.

5. You are in your 30s and think it’s acceptable to smoke weed and play video games all day while your partner goes to work.

6. You are the partner of number 5 and defend him(her?) to your parents by saying things like “But we’re in love.”

7. U write all correspondence like ur texting.

8. You play Candy Crush. Dude I’m totally joking. Just got addicted to that shit last week. However, if you play Candy Crush and send repeated requests for it, you may need to GTFU, realizing that most people with brains do not play stupid candy games on their iPhones. And if they do, they deny the shit out of it. So deny your shit like the rest of us! (for real though, lately, my house is so messy I choose to sit on the couch and wait for more Candy Crush lives as a new form of denial.)

9. When you’re angry at a friend, you prefer The Passive-Aggressive Unfollow rather than an actual conversation. Look. Good old face-to-face conversations tend to be more effective than a silent click and seething disdain. While I can get behind the “unfriend” as joyfully as the next guy, if you are going to remain a fixture in my life for reasons beyond my control, can we just talk about our issues directly rather than dance around “follow” lists?

10. Wearing sweatpants with words on the rear.

No wait. Actually I’m not done with the Passive-Aggressive Unfollow thing. You see here’s what makes your move childish and infuriating: YOU KNOW THE UNFOLLOW WILL IGNITE A CONVERSATION so it isn’t that you don’t want to talk, it’s that you want to poke me and prod me until I say “Okay, FINE, what is it. Why are you mad? How can I make this better?”

Newsflash: That’s what kids do. GTFU.

11. Yelling at check-out people instead of managers. Everybody knows it’s not their fault. We’re all watching you yell at the pimply faced 18-year-old Target check-out-guy nursing a hangover and general malaise are thinking one thing: “What sort of asshat thinks it’s this kid’s fault the headphones were marked on clearance and now they’re not?” GTFU.

12. You have a beard like this guy.

IMG_3183

I’m kidding. If you have a beard like this guy, you have reached the pinnacle of manhood. You have no further to go. Stop now while you’re ahead. YOU WILL NEVER GET MORE GROWN UP.

13. Judging people’s maturity by their facial hair. OH FUCK YOU. It’s a reliable maturity indicator.

14. Making duck face in photographs, seriously. 

15. Dismissing entire pieces of writing on account of one typo. Grown-ups have been the asshole, probably on more than one occasion, who suddenly for absolutely no apparent reason emails “there” coworkers and gets a reply from them, reads it, notices the typo in shock and horror, requesting immediately that those same coworkers hold her head in a full toilet bowl until she stops squirming.

Life is no longer worth living.

Okay if you think grammatical errors or looking like a douchebag signals the end of the world, you should probably GTFU, because actual grown-ups have realized we’re all douchebags who do the wrong thing, piss people off, and people piss us off.

And rather than pout and freak out and unfollow each other, we can just talk about it, like big people.

Or we can write about it on our blogs, sure the offenders won’t see anyway, CAUSE THEY’VE ALL UNFOLLOWED YOU.

OMG

I need to GTFU.

Leave me alone. I’m need to go play Candy Crush in my sweatpants with words on them while I unfollow people who were mean to me on Twitter.

And then I’m going to try to follow my own advice, which would be way easier if I didn’t hate advice like a fucking 16-year old.

No but really. The passive-aggressive unfollow thing is super uncool. I stand by that one with every shred of my immature heart.

more stuff I shouldn't have said out loud:

  • lisaeggs

    I love it all, but I really love the last one. I can’t stand the self-righteous grammar police, and I worked as a copy editor for years. I can attest that even the most intelligent among us make grammar boobies. I’m also a big sweatpants-with-words hater. I really don’t want people to read my ass. xoxo

    • melissa

      Now I want a pair of sweat pants with “NO NEW TAXES” on the ass.

      Oh, come on… I’m not the only one who remembers 1988…

      • Mike

        Read my … cheeks?

    • Lee

      But,…..but,……but certainly this doesn’t apply to misusing your, you’re, yore and yor does it?

      I can understand you’re ire about being corrected on you’re misuse of there, their, and they’re.

  • Kateri Von Steal

    Amen.

    I love his beard! Klay wishes his beard was THAT MATURE!
    He’s got the goatee, mustache… chops.. thing going on.

    I say he joins them all together, because they’re literally only centimeters apart… and calls them a BEARD.

    Just saying.

    But, that wasn’t the point.. I am totally not acknowledging you… DON’T UNFOLLOW ME!… hahaha

    GTFU.. Love it.

    Going to use it.
    Live and Love it.

    Happy Wednesday!

  • Lily

    Love it! I saw a typo and still adore you!

    • renegademama

      OMG WHERE?
      Tell me before I off myself.

  • Kathy G

    I totally know you originally had the title “10 things…GTFU” but thought of more. I recently had to wake/shake myself out of a totally stupid Facebook argument with a totally stupid stranger –I felt like David Byrne– “How did I get here?” This was after her second totally asinine response… why did it take that long? Doh!

  • jackie

    where did the whole duckface thing begin? I know a few that do this, but why? I really want to know..whyyyyyy!?

  • Lisa

    What is the duckface? Does it make you already GTFU if you don’t even know what it is? Asking for a friend.

  • paige

    dude. candy crush. I was hardcore addicted to that shit for awhile. lately though if I can’t pass a level in like 3 minutes, I stop playing for at least a month. because there are real world things to get involved in, like reading a gajillion novels and ignoring your boyfriend for days on end.

    also, your husband’s beard is my spirit animal.

  • Carlisle

    I totally get #5 and #6. Granted, my husband’s only 23, but I finally realized he’s going to slum it in min. wage positions the rest of our fucking life, blow our measly paycheck on weed, and then expect me to stay a stay-at-home mom because he doesn’t want to take care of his child, and we couldn’t afford daycare, even if I went to work,on 2 measly min. wage paychecks, and we can live on welfare cos his whole family does so it’s okay and normal, except he doesn’t want me to learn to drive so I’ll miss all of my appointments because he’s slaving away flipping burgers with the car at work, and we’ll lose all our benefits and live with my mother the rest of our life.

    But I loooove him. He WON’T GTFU, I know this. But I sure as hell have to. And then maybe ditch him. Sigh. Rant.

    You know what’s even worse than a grown-up wearing words on the bum? A grown woman and her 8 year old daughter with matching butt word sweatpants.

    And I refuse to play Candy Crush until it’s no longer ‘the Thing’. And I definitely understand the ‘text speak’ and dismissing people for typos. I’m instantly, “You’re an idiot, and I don’t want to know you better.” Even though I typo all over the place.

  • CLG

    Oh shit…4 and 5 are fire starters. FIRE STARTERS.

  • CLG

    I meant 5 & 6…I don’t want to start my own fire by even dipping a toe into the breastfeeding GTFU debate of #4.

    WINNERS!!

  • Amy

    You’re Just Awesome .. Keep it coming, you put a big smile on my face with every blog ..

  • SRB

    I was having myself a big old #2 moment last night (uh, minus the white power stuff) and have moved onto #9/10 with this. Except I think I am out of fucks to give there. My husband keeps his beard neatly trimmed, but I DREAM of him with a beard like this. Because YUMMMMMMM. Man Candy.

  • Vivienne

    11. Yelling at check-out people instead of managers.

    Signs of a total asshole. Why don’t they go kick a small dog while their at it.

  • Amanda

    I’m 28 and still wear my sweatpants from college with writing on the ass. In fact, I’m wearing a pair right now! So screw you!!!! Really though, I’m wearing these bitches (britches?) till they fall apart because I’m cheap. Then, and only then, I will GTFU and buy some non-ass-writing sweatpants.

  • jaana

    HAHAHA!!

  • Laurel

    Again, I fucking love you. Except that you’re way younger than I am and somehow wiser, which makes me wonder why it’s taken me so long to GTFU.

  • Heather Baker

    Yes please, let’s all take a break from crying over Twitter insults and GTFU!

  • Shayla

    What’s candy crush? Ahhh ha ha ha

  • jill (mrs chaos)

    And now I’m dead.

    OMG.

    (Also? Can I write you a love letter? Will you even read it or will you ignore it while playing Candy Crush. I just wanna know what I’m dealing with here.)

    Also? Somehow I miss you already.

  • Jasmine

    Will you be my baby momma. No really. I love you.

  • Sara

    I love your blog so much. I wish we were real life friends 🙂

  • Heather

    Let’s get married K??… This comment will for certain have a typo, because I do that. NO..it’s not intentional to screw up everyone’s day. but maybe it is my passive aggressive way of screwing up their day. I put a typo in, and Oh shit…I screwed up “there..their” day!! 😉 Anyway…I know I have told you this before, but my whole blog is based on the “unfriend” BS! I typed vagina into my post on facebook, and my “friend” was so completely offended that she not only unfriended me but blocked me so that I could not offend her sacred eyes anymore. I am glad her life is better now….but I started a blog and say Vagina as much as humanly possible. So her passive aggressive technique may have backfired. *shrug.. I also have a beardy dude that I hang around with. I don’t know why…but the beard just seems to have all the answers about life…don’t ya think??…

    • lisaeggs

      I find it so hilarious that your friend was so deeply offended by your use of the word vagina. Does she not have a vagina herself? When she goes to the GYN, does she storm out of the office if the doctor says “vagina”? I’m actually tremendously grateful for the lameness of your friend since it sparked the creation of one of the greatest blogs known to man!!! Or to vaginas!!!! xoxoxoxo

      • Heather

        Lisa…your in on this marriage okay??It could be a 3 -way! Janelle, me…you, and lots of Vodka and chocolate….:)

  • Rach @ Mrs-Adventure

    Seeing as how most of yesterday was spent chasing a naked toddler around the yard (don’t ask). Add to it the large 7 month pregnant belly – #5 sounds pretty damn nice. Just saying. Xo.

  • FashPackSocialClub

    Ur to funny sista’!!! Gees, people are going mad about breasts and babies in Denmark as well (sorry to totally ruin your illusion on this great free country) I live here, so.. Yes.. Sorry!!!

  • A Pleasant House

    Saw the typo. Love the typo. Find my life answers in beards. Just sayin’….

  • HPM

    You are my favorite person on the entire internet.