10 things that confuse the hell out of me

by Janelle Hanchett

There are a few things that confuse me, a lot, even though I see them, um, a lot. Almost daily in fact. I don’t expect to ever understand them, but I’m becoming secure with confusion and uncertainty. They’re like old friends to me. You know. Old reliables. Good buddies. BFFs. Yeah. Okay. Enough of that.

So here’s ten. There are more.

  1. Feeding babies & toddlers soda – WHY? They’re too young to even know soda exists, unless their parents introduce that crap to them. SO WHY DO IT? Why not just feed them healthy crap? The time will come soon enough when they start asking for crap food and crap drinks no matter how hard you tried to shield them from it, so why not take advantage of the brief interval of total control over their diets, without the whining complaints?! Not to mention, it’s a prime opportunity to look like a good parent without trying very hard. Psssht.
  2. Giving kids caffeine – um, aren’t they annoying enough without the addition of stimulants?
  3. Why female bathrooms don’t have more stalls than male ones – obviously, we need more. just look at the damn lines. Worried about equality? Whatever. Hundreds of years of a male-dominated society and you can’t do us this ONE TINY FAVOR?
  4. License plate frames that say the make of the car they are attached to – Dude. We know you’re driving a Lexus. We can see the Lexus sign right next to the license plate frame. It’s actually JUST ABOVE IT. You’re kinda just being redundant, yo. No need to repeat oneself.
  5. Leaving the stickers & tags on baseball caps – While I for one feel better knowing your Giants cap is indeed authentic, you look like a fucking asshat with that shiny sticker under your bill.
  6. Baby stickers on car windows – okay so I understand how they get there. Kids stick them on the windows. What I don’t understand is why parents let their kids have stickers while they’re sitting in their car seats, judging from the number of people driving around with 1500 Dora the Explorer stickers on their rear windows. I mean what are they thinking? “It ain’t gonna happen to me?” – “My kid’s different?” And furthermore, why don’t they take the stickers off? Haven’t they heard of “Goo gone?”
  7. Ed Hardy. In any form. We’ve been over this.
  8. Leaf blowers – the name alone confuses me…”Leaf Blower.” Blowing leaves. Forcing air through a tube to move shit around. Not removing it. Not even cleaning it. Just blowing it around to a new location. And they are loud and they involve standing outside, usually in the sun, holding a loud roaring machine, pissing off every single neighbor in the vicinity…and for WHAT? Plus, who the fuck cares if there are leaves on your driveway? WHO? Oh right. People with neat houses and manicured landscaped yards.
  9. How to fold fitted sheets – really, is there a way to not just wad them up in a vaguely rectangular shape? Is there?
  10. Styrofoam plates – It’s a “plate,” and yet it melts when you put hot food on it. It MELTS WHEN YOU PUT HOT FOOD ON IT. Do you see a problem there?

Plus, they kill sea turtles.

And now we see, even fucking geniuses get confused sometimes.

or confused.


15 Comments | Posted in nothing to do with parenting. | July 19, 2011
  • Dee


  • Stacey

    OK, I just have to comment on multiple numbers here.

    #1. My MOTHER wants to give my kids soda. Because she thinks they’ll like it and it will make them happy and therefore they’ll like her. I guess. That’s just a guess. I’ve put my foot down, but she managed to get away with it for my brother’s kids.

    #8. I HATE leaf blowers. I”ve always thought they were incredibly stupid. If i ever get a gardener, I want to get on who’s willing to sweep leaves rather than blow them. I’m willing to pay extra.

    #9. There IS a way to fold fitted sheets. My sister showed me once. I will never remember how to do it. i think it’s a Martha Stewart thing. It is way over my head.

  • Amy (NonMom)

    I TOTALLY hear you on the bathroom stalls thing in particular. Drives me absolutely nuts too.

  • Dorothy @ Crazy for Crust

    My dad wanted to give my daughter soda SO BAD, even when she could barely drink more than milk. It’s the one food thing I did right – she HATES “bubbly drink”. My dad is shocked and saddened at this development.

  • Stacey

    If someone ever figures out the fitted sheet thing, call me. No, you know what? I don’t care enough to do it right.

  • Shel

    You mean there is a way to FOLD fitted sheets?! No way!! 😉 You are hilarious, you voice everything in my head that I am too wimpy to say.Must admit though, my 2 year old does take the additional sip of soda, ugh I AM a bad mom.

  • Cailin

    RE giving soda to kids. Mine eats spinach salad and almost any veg you give her. Coincidentally, she’s never been to a McDonalds and only occasionally gets juice as a treat ( always watered down).

  • Heather Leonforte

    I HATE stickers; car house doesn’t matter. The soda thing drives me nuts! My husbamd guvea my 1yo soda, so i laugh at him when the baby starts whinig for it. Folding sheets nicely (if possible) is as bad as ironing them. Love the honesty in ypur post, very refreshing, thank you.:-)

  • Maia

    Ya if anyone knows how to fold a fitted sheet, I would love to know.

  • Sam Kidd

    FOLD SHEETS!!Hell no.Just step over them when you come thru the door.I’ll be in the back on the computer.

  • dani


    Especially folding fitted sheets. I think that should be the qualifier for getting into MENSA.

  • Sara Hanchett

    So I was doing really well until the stickers on the car window thing. And let me tell you, I never give them stickers…it’s the darn doctors, grocery stores, and other people “rewarding” my kids. They put them neatly on their clothes and then remove them for a more prominent position.

    So can I get “goo be gone” for Christmas…no I’m too lazy to use it, but Ross will. Oh and please talk to your brother about making it funny to give the kids sips of his drinks at restaurants when I’m not looking. Seriously, he just may listen to you. Bothers me to no end. 🙂

    And just because I’m aware of you undying love for Martha Stewart, and because I knew she’d have the answer to your fitted sheet confusion, here you go my dear: http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/How-to-Fold-a-Fitted-Sheet-Video Now you too can be proud of your linen closet.

  • Leah

    Stickers is the car window could be because there are three kids two years apart and when they stuck the stickers and then the weird extra paper that goes around the stickers on the way back window of the minivan that you were just too tired for three years to crawl back and scrape it off. Oh wait, that was me.

  • carlisle

    Damn, the seal has been broken. I now feel a painful need to comment on these old posts and have lost all self-restraint.

    Folding fitted sheets. I was a cleaning lady, and the laundry ladies always folded the fitted sheets PERFECTLY. Of course, then you had the night clerks who would do leftover laundry, and though they could fold a fitted sheet, they were fucking stupid and got the king and queen sizes mixed up frequently. So, I’d pull out a ‘king’ for a room, get a queen, REPEAT three times, not have any queen rooms checked out, and have to wad up my sheets and try and stuff them back on the cart. Which would make them terribly wrinkly, and I’d have to toss them back into the laundry anyway.

    DX !!!!!

    And bathroom stalls, I went to Walmart yesterday, and every stall was filled up. BY WOMEN TAKING A SHIT. Or at least attempting. I didn’t hear any tinkling pee sounds for five minutes. Finally, someone flushed. Which triggered all the others to flush. >_> Just bizarre.

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