I didn’t really wear make-up until I was in college.
I got into that whole cute-clothes-shopping thing at about the same time.
I got my first boyfriend when I was 16.
My hair was down to my waist by the time I was 12 because I didn’t cut it. That was my hair-styling method: don’t cut it.
Pedicures didn’t enter my life until I was around 25 (and they come way too rarely) and manicures have never quite made the cut. Ha ha. Nice pun.
What I’m trying to say is…it took me a long time to get into the whole “girly” thing – and I have never completely entered it.
This is not because I think I’m above it or a feminist or anarchist or whatever. Though obviously, women are better than men. Duh. It’s because it just isn’t my thing – just naturally not really my deal, from the beginning. But I am into some girly stuff. I wear make-up with relative frequency, I get my hair done (every 6 months whether I need it or not!) at salons that charge approximately one month’s rent – and I have a minor boot problem. Also jackets. But mostly boots.
At one point I had a small obsession with gift bags.
Let’s talk about something else.
And I dig getting dressed up. Like twice a year.
But there a few girly things that I just don’t understand on any level. A lot of it (lots of make-up, heels, matching purses, exercise, shaving, etc.) I’m just too lazy for, but I understand the theory behind them. Some things, though, are a complete no-go. I look, I watch, I wonder.
I try to understand, but I fail.
For example, fruit-smelling lotions and sparkles.
So basically, everything at Bath and Body Works.
Raspberry scented lotion with glitter.
Yes, right after I vomit on myself after applying it. I mean some of that shit is horrid. I like eating fruit, not smelling like it. I walked into that store the other day with Ava to purchase something for a birthday present and I was slammed with the sparkly-ness of it all.
Freaking GLITTER everywhere. All this pink and cursive and gold curly ques. I felt an almost visceral reaction…wanted to cry out “Mommmmyyyyy. Help. Get me outta here.”
In short, some of that shit stinks – such overkill.
Now, now. I’m not judging people who use “Jingle Bellini Shimmer Mist” or “Strawberry Sparkler Shower Gel” or “Pink Sugarplum Fragrance Spray”. I don’t care. And some people I love dearly use that stuff. I just cannot relate to how it’s appealing on an actual nose level. It smells so overwhelming to me – like a big, thick, shimmering mask of SUGAR.
The sweetness of it gives me a headache. I sound like an old person.
And I do a lot of things. But I don’t really sparkle. There ain’t a whole lotta “Sparkling Berry Bliss” in my life.
I mean when I hear names like “Marshmallow Fireside” or “Frosted Cupcake” or “Ribbon Candy” I think porn, not lotion.
Not that I watch porn, cause I don’t. I’m lucky if I get 15 minutes of television a week, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna waste it staring at women who are skinnier than me.
How’d we get on the porn topic?
Oh right. Frosted Cupcakes.
I’ll frost your cupcake.
Sooooo…admittedly I like the Lavender Vanilla, and my friend had a Vanilla Bean lotion that was nice, but most of that stuff is just too sweet for me, and, well, kinda smells like ass.
It was weird being in there, walking around all this stuff that was supposed to apply to me (as a female), but felt so unappealing and foreign – and as I strolled around a little awkwardly an old familiar feeling crept in – you know, that one that tells me there’s something wrong with me because I’m not interested in “Cinnamon Raisin Cookie” lotion, or sparkles. Or raspberry lip gloss. And I never have been.
I used to look at these other girls and wonder “how do they just know how to do this make-up thing?” How do they know how to dress? How to be cool?
What boat did I miss and where can I find it now?
I tried for awhile, to find it, to shove myself into glitter and fake nails, but it just didn’t work.
I felt more awkward pretending than I did just embracing my non-“Candied-Sugar-Plum” self.
The only difference between then and now is that I now embrace my geek-hood. I’m okay with being, well, I don’t know. Whatever I am.
I’m okay with not getting it. With looking at society’s depiction of femininity and just knowing I ain’t that and a lot of us aren’t and I don’t really know how to dress and if my purse matches it’s coincidental – and my nails are usually not pretty and my gray hairs are starting to show and I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself in Bath & Body Works.
Now leave me alone so I can go douse myself in “Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin” body cream.
I just threw up a little. I did.