America is dumber than Miley Cyrus

by Janelle Hanchett

Let’s get one thing straight, America: Miley Cyrus is not the problem.

I don’t care how often she “twerks” or humps teddy bears or foam hands. The problem is not that she’s a fucking moron acting like a douchebag on a stage. The problem is that YOU are surprised by it, offended by it, appalled by it and/or overcome with sympathy for her (which is the weirdest one by far, in my opinion).

Check it out, people bent outta shape that “Hannah Montana,” your “daughter’s role model” is grinding the groin of some giant stuffed bear and a dude who lyrically advocates rape (also, funny nobody’s tweaked out about him, don’t ya think?)  – the only dumbass in this scenario is you.  If you are still relying on American media – the ones who created Honey fucking Boo Boo and Jersey Shore – if you are still looking to them for role models for your children, I’m sorry but you’re a fucking idiot and should just stop talking.

If you are not teaching your kids that American media is designed for one purpose and one purpose only – to sell things to the perpetually moronic – then shut the hell up about Miley Cyrus, because you obviously don’t get it.

She wanted publicity. She got publicity. Her act was wildly successful. We’re all talking about it, aren’t we?

Boom. Her job’s done.

She is not responsible for acting in some way that encourages your daughter to use her brain or not rub her nose in the asses of stuffed bears. You, my friend, are responsible for that. If you’ve raised a kid so backward he or she can’t watch the vapidity of that performance and say to himself or herself “What the hell is wrong with people” (okay maybe in slightly different words), then you have some work to do.

Why don’t you teach your kid some critical thinking skills rather than whine about a stranger on a stage?

In case you haven’t noticed, the days when American mainstream media gave a shit about quality, message or substance have disappeared like Miley’s teddy bear onesie (if they ever existed). You want your kid to watch art? Goodness? Stuff with actual substance?

Watch some Leave it to Beaver or Lassie or fucking Ang Lee films or Sundance indie comedies or better yet take them to a freaking museum. Watch old movies. Go outside. Do something.

Listen to Frank Sinatra or the Sex Pistols. Go hear some live music. Analyze some graffiti. Do whatever the hell you want but please, for the love of all that’s holy, stop looking to American media as a guiding light for your child and then acting all surprised when somebody masturbates with a foam finger.

And all you people attacking her, a 20-year-old barely woman, for acting like a slut/whore/whatever you call her, put this in your pipe and smoke it: She can act as slutty as she damn well pleases. She’s an adult.

You know you did the same when you were 20, only she’s making a crapload of money from it whereas you only made an ass of yourself at frat parties and walked home in shame.

I jest. Sort of.

But really, why the hell is she held up to some STANDARD? Whose standards are we talking about? YOURS?


She’s a pop entertainer. She has a whole TEAM behind her telling her what to do and how to do it. The pop entertainment world constitutes the standards against which she is held, and I think we can all agree those standards are LOW.

Her job is to make money. Her job is to pull attention to herself. Do you think this ruined her career? COME ON. With American amnesia and obsession with trash, this merely piques our interest. The question is now: What’s she gonna do next?

My goodness, honey, what’s that crazy girl up to NOW? Let’s turn on the television and buy People magazine to find out!

And why the hell are people feeling sorry for her? My God if I hear it one more time I’m going to break something: “One more casualty. One more poor girl destroyed by American media.”


She’s a VICTIM you moron? No. She is not a victim. She is a 20-year-old making more money than you will ever see. She is a 20-year-old privileged asshat playing a game working so beautifully the only chumps are US.

The joke’s on us people.

She gets on stage and bolts around like a tweaked out sex-addict squirrel with a broken tongue and weird hair and all of America responds on cue: The scandal! The shame! The poor Hannah Montana! Center of the national spotlight! Fuck Syria! Fuck Egypt! Miley will ruin all the people!

I just feel so sorry for this young woman who is making millions playing American idiots like a fucking fiddle.

No, no I don’t. I do not feel sorry for her at all.

Do I respect her? No. Do I give a flying rat’s ass what she does? No.


Because she has no bearing on my life or my kids’ lives and if she does, I have only myself to blame.

If my daughter feels all “let down” by Miley Cyrus, I need to have a serious sit-down with her, explaining first of all: “Honey, thou shalt not revere Disney (Nickelodeon?) pop stars or anybody created to sell shit to tweens.”

Actually, don’t revere anybody famous merely because they’re famous. Watch their art. Is it art? Is it saying something? Or is it insipid contrived drivel? Figure it out, kid.

Is it Hannah fucking Montana or is it Ed Norton? Which one of them played Tyler Durden’s alter ego? Which one of them flipped her hair a lot on television? So…which is worthy of your admiration? Which one is created to sell lunchboxes?

That’s the kind of judgment my kid needs.

I want my kids to EXPECT this Cyrus crap, not stand in awe and disbelief of it. We should be thanking her for being so damn upfront about it, for just saying it outright: I AM A SHALLOW, TASTELESS POP ENTERTAINER. If you have a brain, you will ignore me.

Stop whining, America.

Grow up. When Miley does, she’ll be laughing her ass off at all of us, if she isn’t already, for caring so much about a game she’s played, and played brilliantly, tongue hanging out and all, almost as if she was mocking us all along.

  • chels

    He’s pretty fly for a white guy i still think her tongue is the thing that looks nasty lol

  • Heather Walter

    Well… the tags are spot on, I think.

  • Amanda

    AMEN to that! I couldn’t have said it better!

  • Lisa

    Right the fuck on Janelle. I can’t believe when I turn on the TV and this shit SEEMS to be what people care about because it’s getting so much coverage. So, I turn off the TV. Then I see/hear some folks actually posting/talking about this stuff and it makes me beyond nauseous that they give it any time in their short life. So I turn them off haha. And go listen to the Woodstock soundtrack at the river.

  • Sara

    God do I love you Janelle! 😀 You just said everything that was going on in my head, and made it sound brilliant! Thank youuuuu!

  • Heidi

    Amen! That’s all 🙂

  • Erin

    Thank you for pointing out that ‘blurred lines’ is about rape – it makes me feel better that I’m not the only one who noticed.Song of the summer? I call bullshit.

  • carolyn


  • Pauline Gaines

    I love this. You have perfectly articulated my sentiments on this Miley Cyrus insanity. The only thing that’s bothered me more than the absurd amount of attention her peformance has gotten is the way she used African-American women as props. But that’s not a story most people are talking about because they’re way too concerned that she faux-masturbated in public.

  • Jennifer

    I was driving three 11-year-old girls to do some volunteer work (pre-VMA’s) and one of Miley’s new songs came on the radio. All three girls groaned and said, “Uh, I hate Miley Cyrus.” I felt elated and wanted to hug their parents.

    Although I am not surprised at anything MTV advocates (or American media for that matter) I still feel a bit disheartened — all this work we have been doing for decades about rape culture just doesn’t seem to be working. I’m not naïve but for fucks sake when will it all end?

  • Kelly

    You wrote everything I feel about this. Bravo.

  • Erin

    THANK YOU! I chose to explain to my son yesterday that while everyone was talking about Miley, we were going to talk about the Medal of Honor recipient instead. Of course all I got was a smile and drool from my 8 month old, but I need all the practice I can get.

  • Stephanie

    I don’t know. I just don’t care that much about her. I presume her ‘thing’ is to be shocking. Eh. MTV has and always will be about ratings. And, having watched two solid hours of Honey Boo Boo last night, I really (REALLY) think it’s a travesty that the production costs incurred by that show are not spent educating its subjects.

  • Pam

    Yes, yes, YES!! I really hope you are just preaching to the choir here, and someone who never considered this will read your words and WAKE UP. It drives me batshit crazy that most people never stop to think that the POINT of tv is to make you buy stuff. To make you think your life is shitty, except it wouldn’t be, if only you had -insert any piece of shit made in China product that will be obsolete in three years- here. Amen, Janelle.

  • Amy

    I vote you for president. Oh, wait. I really like you, so no. I don’t vote you for that. Maybe for “Woman Most Likely To Say What Needs To Be Fucking Said, Straight Up”.

  • Pam

    PS I meant NOT preaching to the choir.

  • Heather

    As always…Yep! and You go girl…AND Fuck yeah!! I truly believe if more people spent more time figuring out their own shit, they wouldn’t even have time worrying about anybody else’s shit! The point here…work out your own life, and quit worrying about someone else’s life!

  • Shannon

    I almost stood up and started a slow clap but then my 2 yr old threw her diaper at me and sent me back to reality 🙂 I love this so much! While I can’t say that my 11 yr old doesn’t love her some One Direction, she does know that these people are not heroes. They aren’t to be worshipped or idolized. Also, if someone could please explain to me why Robin Thicke is getting off (no pun intended) scott free? He’s a what? 40 something yr old grown man allowing this barely a woman to “twerk” and grind up against him. I’d literally punch my son in the face if he ever thought that was acceptable behavior! Ugh! This whole thing disgusts me! P.S. sorry about the tirade, I’ll put up the soap box now 🙂

  • Grace Biskie

    I just wish the chile could sing OR dance. That’s all I ask. She needs to take notes from Miss Spears. Learn to dance, Miley. That’s got mileage without turning into the butt of America’s jokes/tweets/fears/anger/displaced confusion.

  • nikkiana


  • Ariel Weatherall

    I just wanted you to know….
    I just found your blog today, and spent most of it reading, laughing, and finding myself nodding at random intervals. Your blog has been, in equal portions, reassuring, enlightening, and all manner of fucking HONEST.

    I don’t have any children that I personally had a hand in making, but I do have a big hand in caring for my partners… I want to have offspring with my genetics one of these days, and over the course of making that decision, I’ve had a lot of thoughts about what it would be like, how I would be able to handle it, and I came to some real opinions about motherhood and how its treated in the world at large. Its good to know I’m not the only one that has some of these opinions.

    You rock. A lot. And thank you.


    This seems a little worked up for someone who dosent care about whatever happened with Miley. It seems like she cant stop ranting about it, ha ha whos a moron? why, what happened with miley anyway?

    • Kateri Von Steal

      Seems to me she was more worked up about the Public outcry.. then Miley Cyrus.. But, I have these great Reading Comprehension skills.. Something utterly lacking on your side of the screen.

    • James Guilbeaux

      I’m gonna second that one. Awful worked up indeed. Someone who whines about people whining is no better than them. This is no different. You’re whining about how people people are whining about how miley is acting–whining about the whining.

  • Brenna

    You took the words right out of my mouth yet again!

  • Christy Cruz

    Standing freaking ovation, hollering “Hell yeah!”
    Bravo, well said!

  • kelli graves

    i don’t have cable, haven’t for over two years now. (its AWESOME!!) i have seen references to this all day on fb. your link is the first one i actually read the whole article. you speak truth, but you know that. for the masses, harping and bitching about others is much easier than being self aware, or policing our own lives. sad really.
    on another front, how strange is it that I watched Fight Club yesterday? lol. it really is a deep movie.

  • Rock Candi

    Awww man…. this whole time I thought she was just doing the Humpty Dance!

  • Sarah

    Amen. Best piece of writing on the subject yet!!!

  • troy P.

    I’ve nothing to add (especially as even my intended “A-fucking-men(ish)” comment was yanked from my very lips by Nikkiana), but still I felt the need to throw in my dusty hat of solidarity on your post, and this is the best I could do: Bra-freakin’-vo to you dear.

  • Lana

    *clap*…*lunge*…*high kick*……YES! YOU NAILED IT!

  • Vinnie

    I honestly don’t think this, to her, is about making money. She has so much (150-million). If anything, it may be about the fact that she can do whatever she wants.

  • Kylie

    “a dude who lyrically advocates rape” is the only thing I disagree with – no one in their right mind would do that, and I honestly don’t think Robin Thicke did. Still think Miley and that tongue is OT tho.

  • Colleen


  • TJ

    I don’t even have to see the ‘performance’ (I use that term loosely!) to know I completely agree with you. We create this reality by buying into it then are outraged at it? Come on people. Stop giving up any semblance of power & control in your own universe.

  • Liz Horton

    I just found your blog and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!! You have kept me laughing all morning- which is not common these days – now having a 5 yr old, 2 yr old, and 6 month old. I especially loved your post on soul-crushing mama. Well said!

  • Wendy Milone

    If you watch the “parade” you will see all the different things put there for your amusement. I don’t watch these things. In twenty years, Miley will not be smiling as much. And in forty years the smile will be completely gone. And she will be replaced by the next butt wipe who wants the job. Hey who can blame her for taking the money. But I do believe the world still adores women who act like ladies.

  • Susan W.

    Don’t get MTV or watch the VMA’s. My children were raised on Bob Marley, Neil Young, and Pink Floyd. HOWEVER I find the most ironic part of all this is that Thicke was singing the ‘song of the year’ IN THE WRONG KEY! on the video “MUSIC” awards. Did anyone even notice that he was singing in a totally different key than the band?!?!?! Nope…too busy watchin the foam finger. The pacific waters are becoming toxic, we may be entering a third world war and our top news is a twisted 20 year old shaking her ass surrounded by big pink bears (talk about disappointed… imagine the parents who paid for years of dance class only to witness their daughter as pink bear #6 on the VMA’s) awesome :\

  • Nicole

    Advocates Rape? You have got to be kidding me, get a life! But he was singing out of key and the whole thing was a mess. Miley is a rich idiot. The most offensive part is how bad she is at singing and dancing, just horrible.

    • Kateri Von Steal

      The lyrics do… suggest… inappropriate and forced sexual activities…
      So.. he kind of is Advocating Rape…

  • Kateri Von Steal

    Everything I wanted to say, has already been said.

    If everyone wants this chick to disappear… stop making her relevant and giving her publicity.

  • Kim

    Yes again yes! Oh and without looking at the “act” ….two words Madonna, just saying.

  • Me

    I knew Janelle would have a great post about this topic and I was right!

  • Cassie

    Thank you. Just thank you.

  • mid life mama

    This Really made me laugh! Too true

  • A Pleasant House

    Ya know what would have been cool? What if that night, and the next day NOBODY said a damn thing. Boom. Everything changes. But… we collectively don’t have the strength of character. Aah. To be an American.

  • Claire

    love this – thank you!

  • scribblegurl

    BAM! said the lady. 🙂

  • Phyllis

    You may be making good points, but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to learn to wash your own mouth out with soap.