There are times to be healthy.
Halloween is not one of those fucking times.
This is not the time for banana “treats” or berries in cute formations or gluten-free oganic bread in the shape of bats.
Popcorn balls are questionable, people.
Yeah. I said it.
This is the time for high fructose corn syrup.
This is the time for every and all other forms of processed sugar.
This is the time for preservatives. And if you can handle it, this is even the time for Red Dye #40.
This is the time to let your kids swim in the shit you look down on others for feeding their poor kids, who will surely end up obese, depressed, generally weird and probably not that bright. (I mean what chance did they have with such a lack of nourishment?)
I get it. You care about your kid. You don’t want him exposed to the deadly chemicals and additives and non-food “food” substances we all know are killing people, ruining our environment and funneling money into corporations with the morality of that “pastor” who wants to punch kids for acting gay.
Yes. I know. Even though it’s only one day out of 365, you’re such a diligent parent you need 365 out of 365 of good eating and thoughtful consumption.
You know what? FUCK THOUGHTFUL CONSUMPTION.
All people need to let loose sometimes. All people need to get all extreme and radical and shit, sometimes.
Do you really want to raise the person who’s all “Yeah, sorry. I can’t have a shot of tequila on my 21st birthday because hard liquor is excessive.”
Do you really want the daughter who won’t eat the triple-cream brie with her friends, even though it’s a bi-annual red-wine-and-bread-and-cheese event with her girlfriends?
Do you REALLY want the son who asks 97 questions of the poor waitress about every ingredient in the tacos (checking for GMOs, duh) and you’re all DUDE WE’RE AT A FUCKING TACO TRUCK but he’s all “doesn’t matter. I need 365 days of good.”
Do you really want the kid who refuses to do the keg stand?
Okay maybe that was a poor example.
Do you want the kid who only orders salads with dressing on the side no matter WHAT event is on the fucking line, even if it’s an anniversary or holiday party or a damn baby shower and the pregnant woman’s all “But I weigh the same as a small house” and your kid’s all “Yes, but I’m unwavering in my need for health. I need 365. Somebody else can have my cake.”
Nah. You don’t want that kid. You want the kid that knows what’s up. You want the kid that’s all “Oh yeah, ladies, I’m gonna regret this tomorrow but it’s my birthday and we haven’t seen each other in 2 years, SO POUR ME ANOTHER ONE.”
You want the son who’s like “Honey, I’ll be home in the morning cause it’s so-and-so’s bachelor party and I’ll probably have like 2 cases of beer and regret all life tomorrow.”
You want the kid who can live it up, eat it up, party it up when the time arises. A little flexible. A little wild. A little “God damn you people and your Cambozola and baguette. Yeah, I’ll have more.”
You want the kid who isn’t the one always doing the right thing, don’t you? I mean those people make us all want to die.
The mom whose critical eye makes mothers like me squirm. “Why did I grab the plastic rattle on this playdate? Why didn’t I choose the Amish wood one? Oh god help me!”
The mom whose kid is ALWAYS clean and the dad who NEVER feeds questionable foods and looks at you like “I’m struggling to understand your excessive deficiencies as a parent and human.”
The parents who are like “Yeah, sorry. Johnny can’t have a cupcake because we don’t eat food like that.” And you’re like “It’s a birthday party and Johnny is 6 and literally every other kid is having one…”
And then you just hope Johnny doesn’t end up wounding kittens.
I’m kidding. But seriously, you don’t want to grow the human who is just SO DAMN CONTROLLED AND GOOD AND RIGHT she can’t LIVE. Get wild. Live on the fucking edge. Make some mistakes. Regret some decisions. Roll with the day, moment, even if it’s not that bright.
Eat a pillowcase full of Halloween candy, because it’s Halloween, and it’s fun.
Irresponsible. Irrational. Downright fucking stupid.
This is the time for that.
Yeah, I said it: Sometimes life requires stupid. It requires irrational. It requires letting go of our deep way of living and just existing with others in an indulgent, relaxed way. Overeat. Eat shit. Drink too much.
And enjoy the rest of your days of moderation.
God knows we’ve got plenty of those bastards.
Sometimes it’s just about humanity: Stupid, glorious humanity.