I’m supposed to be at an ashram in the Sierra Nevada foothills, meditating and doing yoga with a bunch of blissed-out white people, but I’m not. But we’ll get to that in a moment.
The place was fucking beautiful. Green grass, ponds, flowers, stone walkways. Giant weeping willows, hammocks, sprawling oaks. The cabins were just rustic enough to seem earthy as opposed to “run-down.” I pulled up and felt a sense of relief just to be out of my house. Here we go. Nature, meditation, yoga. I SHALL BE FIXED.
Fixed from a dark mental place. I was not doing very well. A couple weeks before I stood at the GET SPIRITUAL NOW gate (It doesn’t actually say that. I just made that up.), I realized I was moving from “dealing with tough circumstances” to “not dealing with anything” due to an internal sense of hopelessness and the related apathy. I saw myself crushed under the weight of my own self-pity, of my childlike tantrums that my life didn’t look as it should, that I wasn’t getting “what I deserved,” that it wasn’t “fair.” I had become identified with asshole circumstances of my life and I couldn’t wrestle myself free. I knew I had ceased functioning but couldn’t figure out how to get past the paralysis of my feelings.
So, like any white middle-class northern California woman in despair, I bought a Groupon for a “Beginner’s Yoga and Meditation Retreat” at an ashram in Grass Valley. They kept referring to us as “The Groupon People,” which hopefully sets the stage for what I’m about to tell you.
Allow me to say it bluntly: If I see one more blissed-out Caucasian bouncing around barefoot in white flowing pants and a small smile of “Damn it feels good to be more enlightened than you” plastered on their vegan-fed faces, I may die.
I’m not talking about the people attending the retreat. I’m talking about the people running it. The ones who were apparently on “a spiritual path.” The volunteers (dressed in yellow and white) who were studying under the head “Swami,” who wore all orange.
One woman had actual flowers IN HER MOTHERFUCKING HAIR, and literally pranced. As in, gently hopped instead of walked. She was the skinny prancing flower lady.
I thought “maybe she’ll get strangled in her Tibetan prayer flags.”
This is why I’ll never be a swami.
A bunch of the volunteers were running around barefoot. My friend and I found this baffling because we were supposed to take our shoes off inside the buildings, presumably out of respect and cleanliness, so if they’re barefoot outside and walk inside, aren’t they still bringing the dirt into the room?
But one looks much more spiritually connected while barefoot, and that’s what’s important here, folks.
All the signs said “Blessed self” at the beginning. So it would say “Blessed self, please don’t put your tampons in the toilet.” Or something like that. I found that hilarious. “Blessed self.”
But if they actually believed we were all “blessed selves,” if their respect for us ran so deeply, as fellow manifestations of the Divine Creator, what’s with the air of smug superiority?
Check it out, blissed ones: I don’t care how many chants or “asanas” you do each day, you’re still an asshole and therefore missing the whole damn point.
Statues of Hindu gods and goddesses lined the back of every room, but since none of us knew what any of it meant, it felt like a stomach-turning display of cultural appropriation. The statues had “meaning” and “depth” only because they were from “over there,” from far away. It was the eastern mystery and “otherness” that made them compelling and “deep.” To illustrate this point, I can only imagine people’s responses if there was a bunch of Judeo-Christian images and statues surrounding us. All the yuppies be like “What? Jesus? Fuck that shit. I grew up on that. Give me some nice deep sublime Hindu stuff!”
Meanwhile, there’s a dude with a pile of flutes telling me to chant something in Sanskrit to “wake up.” Weird thing is we didn’t ask him for help, or even indicate we were in the market for energy advice. His pretentiousness dripped from him like agave syrup in June.
I tried to kill him with my eyeballs.
He spoke to us like we were absolute morons, pathetic little creatures come to lap at the bowl of his insight. And I suppose it was kind of true, actually.
Pretentious dicks are bad enough, but pretentious dicks WITH FLUTES? I just can’t. I mean I literally cannot. Make me a white-girl “I can’t even” meme because ladies and gentleman, I can’t even.
The main teacher dude, another white guy with serene expressions, Swami something (they all changed their names to something more spiritually appropriate, like “Padma” and “Kala.” I felt like saying “You know your name is Kelly or Nathan. KNOCK IT OFF.”), anyway he lost me on day one when he refused to answer the question of a socially awkward teenager dragged there by his mother.
Deep Swami Guy said he wore orange as a symbol of him “burning up the karma.” The kid asked “What does that mean?”
Pretty relevant, I’d say.
But Swami Dude didn’t answer his question. He laughed and said “Well that’s a big question. There are whole classes just on that concept.” And with an air of “sucks to be you, small human” he moved on.
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. If you can’t explain something in a few simple sentences, YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. If you can’t put into layman’s terms your vast spiritual truths, you don’t understand them. Period. Game over.
And sorry dude, you don’t get to dismiss Super Annoying Teenage Gamer Kid in the front row because his questions aren’t feeding your ego appropriately. Of course he’s super awkward and annoying, but you’re supposed to be seeing his buddha nature, aren’t ya?
And the lectures on “prana” and how we should eat and “transform compassion” in all this esoteric bullshit nonsense. So much theory. So much in-the-clouds bullshit. Big concepts and big words and “deep philosophical truths” and “profound spiritual insights” are used for one purpose: To mask the fact that we have no idea what the fuck is actually happening.
In other words, Swami dude, you’re just as captured in the ego structure as I am. You’re convincing yourself you’re “deep” and “spiritual” because you’ve learned a bunch of scriptures and chant and live in an ashram and shit, but real teachers aren’t pretentious, and they don’t spout deep thoughts all the time. They’re on the ground, right here with me and you and all the other Groupon humans, and when they talk you know they’re speaking truth because it is you in the deepest part of you, not just some fancy idea that sounds good but has no practical application.
We feel more human in the presence of these teachers. Not less.
Oh, but how these earnest, lovely imposters helped me.
God damn it they gave me everything I needed.
In the late afternoon of day 2, after sitting through 2 more hours of esoteric posturing, I packed up my shit and left. I drove to a hotel in Sacramento, ordered some Thai food and went to bed at 8:22pm, alone. I slept TWELVE SOLID HOURS. Twelve, people.
I walked out of that place because I realized two things: 1.) I need some privacy and sleep; and 2.) Nothing will “fix” me.
There is no escape from reality. There is no silver bullet and there is no “fix.” No ashram, no teacher, no guru, no wilderness and no words. No change in my life circumstances.
My problem is not my life. My problem is that I’m battling my life, refusing to accept it as it is. Some things have happened recently that have deeply hurt and tweaked my family. I cannot change the past. My husband is working out of town and I’m struggling with the weight of these kids, work, and my powerlessness to change any of it right now.
But I refused to accept these things.
Instead, I was kicking and screaming and thrashing against it. Fighting it. But I can’t win this fight. Life is. Reality is. I can work with it or die from insanity trying to beat it. I was on the path to the latter.
It isn’t about loving it. It isn’t about even liking it. Accepting reality is about freedom, a little serenity, and effectiveness.
One of my greatest teachers told me: “If you’re in the living room and you want to be in the kitchen, first you have to realize you’re in the fucking living room. Otherwise you’ll never know to get up and walk into the kitchen.”
You see, simple? I have to accept the truth of my life as it is RIGHT NOW before I’ll understand how to effectively move in new directions. I was stuck and dying and wasting time knee-deep in futility. It looked like resentment, anger, self-pity and fear.
So thank you, out-of-touch swami and swami wannabees with your flowing linen pants and serene smiles, for being just like me: Broken, kinda pathetic, judging too harshly, working like hell to get someplace new, oblivious to the fact that we’re already there, and everything we need is right here already.
(But please, stop being a dick. Nobody likes enlightened dicks.)
I’m headed back to the ashram of my insane family.
Tomorrow my husband leaves again.
I’ll miss him like crazy, and in a week be back to mind-numbing exhaustion, but I think I’ll start meditating again, and it appears I can sorta do yoga, and that’s some healthy shit. Healthy shit is good.
And goddamn that weeping willow taught me a few thousand things. And the king-sized bed with the clean white sheets, thank you. You just told me everything I needed to know.
Nice to be back where I can listen again. Nice to have a few minutes to write to you. Nice to be alive.
Om Shanti, motherfuckers.
JessicaSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 11:26
Namaste from NC! Thanks for sharing;)
AndriaSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 11:32
“One of my greatest teachers told me: “If you’re in the living room and you want to be in the kitchen, first you have to realize you’re in the fucking living room. Otherwise you’ll never know to get up and walk into the kitchen.””
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Kate A.Sunday, 15 March, 2015 at 11:32
“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today”- definitely easier said than done but a most excellent place to start.
MelisaSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 11:38
This gave me every emotion. I love that.
“Everything you need is right here already.” One of life’s biggest lessons.
JackieSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 11:51
Thank you for this. Am underwater with twin two year olds right now and really needed to hear this.
melissaSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 15:35
Hang in there. It might two or three years, but you’ll be able to breathe again some day.
KaimalinoSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 20:57
Oh, honey. My twins just turned three and I just wanted to send you a cyber-hug. You are not alone in the Land of Twin Overwhelm, but I’m pretty sure we’re rockin’ this gig, hard as it often is.
RoseSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 11:54
Thank you for helping me feel ” more human” <3
Erica / Northwest Edible LifeSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 12:02
On of my greatest teachers (/best friends) taught me this one: “Don’t look for bread in the hardware store.”
Warm wishes for a quick move past the not-fun.
Kristine O'BrienSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 12:03
I appreciate your comments about spiritual leaders because I am a pastor. It makes me think that as an exhausted mother of four (whose husband is now home after nine grueling months away–hallelujah) I might doing alright when I just show up and share myself.
HeatherSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 12:16
The biggest waste of time and money was a yoga teaching training program that was weeks of what you described. It was a weekend program, (because if it was an intensive/consecutive it would’ve been easier to see through) and I so deeply wanted to believe it would get better. It didn’t. Going to share your post with the few fabulous women I made friends with during this training (see? there is always a benefit, as you described) and thanks for expressing the smug BS so fantastically well.
MarySunday, 15 March, 2015 at 12:18
YES! You have no idea how much of this I relate to: as a teacher, and fellow flailing human! And that you ended it with my favorite word, “motherfucker” sealed the deal. (Only I think it’s best to say it with a drawn out aaaaaaa at the end) Once again, thank you!!!!!!!
HopefulSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 12:47
So true. I had a great teacher once explain to me about the two different types of monks/nuns… Those who retreat, and those who serve. This teacher and I both believed that enlightenment comes from struggle/conflict/futility, like you said. So when monks go up into the mountains alone with only a rice bowl it is easy to feel calm and enlightened because there is only themselves. Where is the struggle? Where is the conflict or futility? So they come back having done a lot of thinking but not a lot of experiencing. Then there is the server.. The monk who went down into the town and lived with the poor and hungry and violent and weak, and experienced conflict and aggression and fear.. They come out with way more compassion and empathy and “enlightenment” because they had to face futility and change.
I see those people you describe, (to go with my fear/love theory of my post from your last blog) as living in such fear of their own lives that they had to run far far away. They couldn’t face it. They couldn’t cope with the futility of the real world, so instead of being enlightened by it they retreated from it and look down (because they are still in fear) of those who still live in that world. You are more enlightened because you chose not to let your challenges beat you. You chose love and love is usually the hardest/scariest choice…
That’s my opinion anyway.
KJSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 12:56
Currently fighting hard against the 4.5 year old boy, trying to stop him from being such a 4.5 year old boy! I guess letting him be him might work just a bit better, and maybe stop me from being so annoyed with him all the time!! So true we have to accept what’s happening, doesn’t mean liking it!
Breathing above the tide of children just a little bit easier now. Hopefully! Thanks for your blog, honestly the same wavelength at times. Very odd!
And seriously enlightened dicks just need to bugger off! Like people with one preschool child telling me what they do for their perfect child to make life easier. Add a couple more kids in there buddy then come talk to me!
Funnily have a hotel room booked for next month, has been my dream for a couple years now. Cannot wait!
HethaSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 13:03
Thanks for constantly keeping shit real. It’s all any of us really wants from one another, the only way to truly feel connected through this weird ass medium. I’ve been working on acceptance for years, it’s a long process for me, but it sure as hell has made life easier just looking at it through that lens.
itzybellababySunday, 15 March, 2015 at 13:06
Yes. I never get the snootiness.. I actually got to find a yoga studio without all the pretentious BS.. really learned a lot and felt great.
They weren’t selling happiness or awakening, just yoga, and if you got more out of it, so be it. It was ok either way.
Helped me drop 40 pounds of sad.. lol.
It seems like your trip worked though- maybe not how they intended.. groupon people.. lol
DebraSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 13:12
How to be Ultra Spiritual (funny) – with JP Sears: http://youtu.be/1kDso5ElFRg
BethSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 13:23
Fuck YES! Acceptance. Grace. You’re hilarious and brilliant, and I love your brain. Thanks for this.
ChronicallysickSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 13:30
Yes! This was a great read and I was in a similar place five years ago. I still struggle with accepting my reality but I am better at it then I was five years ago. That said. I still come out of meditation and turn around and loose my shit.
loudwheeldogSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 13:37
word. I read some article somewhere that had something in it about trying to find something in a whole foods, and some person in a namaste hat, it said “it was like namaste meant go fuck yourself” HA! totally. It’s like an epidemic!
Mama MoSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 18:02
I just saw that article!
” I move on to the next aisle and ask the nearest Whole Foods clerk for help. He’s wearing a visor inside and as if that weren’t douchey enough, it has one word on it in all caps. Yup, NAMASTE. I ask him where I can find whole wheat bread. He chuckles at me “Oh, we keep the poison in aisle 7.” Based solely on the attitudes of people sporting namaste paraphernalia today, I’d think it was Sanskrit for “go fuck yourself.”
MichaelaMonday, 16 March, 2015 at 0:56
That is too funny! Just snorted my morning coffee reading the article! 🙂
Teresa InterlicchiaSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 13:54
(Hilarious. Ghandi at a yoga class.)
Your amazing post reminded me of this.
Stay strong mama. Twelve hours of sleep. Fuck yes!! And one of my favorite quotes: ” motherhood is the shortest and steepest path to enlightenment”. Yep. Truth.
DanaSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 14:06
So hilarious! And true, omg anyone above the age of 18 who prances should always be viewed with upmost suspicion (esp at an ashram). Take out Thai and a kid free bed with uninterrupted sleep sounds pretty blissful to me. Here’s to accepting reality and hoping that reality can lighten up soon.
MeganSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 14:13
All of this. There is absolutely nothing I could add; it would be redundant at best, and gilding the lily at worst. Just…. Yes.
SammydaloochSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 14:55
“If you can’t explain something in a few simple sentences, YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. If you can’t put into layman’s terms your vast spiritual truths, you don’t understand them. Period. Game over.”
YESYESYESYESYES!!! I’ve been saying this about religion in general since approximately 1972. The more quasi-theological gymnastics you engage in, the more I strongly suspect that you have not a clue what you are talking about.
It’s just a guess, but if an omniscient and loving God were trying to send a message of salvation to his creations, 1) he’d do it from the very outset. What about those poor bastards who came before? Did he not give a shit about them? And if he didn’t think of it until later – where does that leave his omniscience?; and 2) he’d provide the message in clear terms understandable by even the least of us. Rather than require a class of clerics to interpret and dole out the message in the manner most likely to keep us dumbfucks in line.
It’s one thing to have no clue as to that of which you speak; it’s frankly evil to claim that if I don’t believe with my whole heart and soul that which you cannot even explain in simple terms, I will suffer for all eternity. I’m calling bullshit on all of it.
kellySunday, 15 March, 2015 at 16:18
Omg you’re fucking awesome. Please keep writing
VanessaSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 16:45
I’ve asked my grandmother how she got through life without going crazy. At 89 years old she has been through it ALL. She worked part-time raised 5 girls with a husband who had to work 3 jobs to support the family and pay hospital bills for my mom who had severe scoliosis and needed 3 back surgeries over the course of 2 years, with no insurance. She says some days all you can do is just live, put yourself on autopilot to preserve whatever shred of sanity you may have left and hope for brighter days, they do come, but it’s hell getting there.
Jesse bSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 17:54
Theresa MertzSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 17:54
Glad you got some time to rest and recharge a little at least. I hope things get easier for you soon.
Iris DunawaySunday, 15 March, 2015 at 18:06
I am in just so in love with your writing thank you for telling it!
caraSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 19:37
Yes! Fighting and finding and doing it all over again. Thank you for your words and sight. I really want white sheets and 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep now.
Rebekah NemethySunday, 15 March, 2015 at 20:01
“It isn’t about loving it. It isn’t about even liking it. Accepting reality is about freedom, a little serenity, and effectiveness.”
Totally. I used to think meditation was about making myself calm, and making myself become a blank, empty, non-thinking vessel. But what you said up there is EXACTLY what meditation is for… being present in reality, accepting it is what it is, and moving on from it to where you wanna go.
Your writing always makes me crack up! Thanks for that, and good luck meditating and doing some healthy fucking shit =)
MommyTheoristSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 20:08
Holy fucking shit! I just got back from an ashram in New York, where I went with a group of women using GROUPON! It must be karma!!
Seriously, this blog came at the right moment. We had a wonderful experience and drank the KoolAid, so to speak, but your flunking out of swami school story provided a good laugh. And, of course, your righteous indignation was probably justified. Teenagers are people, too!
LoriSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 20:52
I just totally stumbled onto your blog from a facebook post but I think you saved my life with this post. Accepting reality, not fighting against it. Thank you!
EspySunday, 15 March, 2015 at 21:02
God save us from the chiller-than-thou’s.
JulieSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 22:07
So glad I read this. It’s really hard for me to understand some of my friends who are like, “oh, I love being a mom! I love being a wife!” Really? You’ve never once thought about packing a bag and high tailing it out of there? Cause I sure have. Having that struggle right now. Cross-country move, new house, new school for a kid with special needs, new town, no family, no friends, no job (hubs is gainfully employed thank God). I’m dripping in self-pity! So, thanks. Good to hear I’m not alone and I just need to put my big girl pants on and accept it. Very hard to do when I’m throwing one of those tantrums though.
LizSunday, 15 March, 2015 at 22:08
Best article you have ever written. You hit the nail on the head. Some peoples spiritualism is so based on ego and there holly than though bullshit. Thanks for being so high and mighty. You made me laugh so hard. I’m with you nobody can fix me. Namaste
MichaelaMonday, 16 March, 2015 at 1:26
You are so FUNNY!! And so wise. Sorry to hear you’re struggling
GrouchiegrrlMonday, 16 March, 2015 at 4:28
OMG you have just totally brought back one of the funniest (later, at the time infuriating) experiences of my life with one of those white, “enlightened” male arsehats. Thank you so much.
And yes yes yes to ‘if you can’t explain it in a few words, you don’t understand it’. I have been thinking this at uni for years. I have a bloody wide vocabulary and am pretty bright – if I have read your article three times and don’t understand it, then I’m fairly sure you are talking shit.
And me too on the realisation that I need to stop fighting my life. Much smaller scale, but my 2.5 year old has gone back to waking at 5.30am recently, and I have handled it quite badly. I realised this weekend that the thing that has to change is me, and that since I am going to be up anyway, maybe I could use the time to go for a run or a ride – chuck him in the pram or the bike trailer. And as soon as I made that decision, it all kind of worked. I’m who I can change. My reactions to things are what I can control – and that is about it.
Love your stuff, so glad you are willing and able to write it. Which isn’t easy, even when it isn’t a dark and hard time. So thank you, so very much.
Linda BreaultMonday, 16 March, 2015 at 7:50
I so had to read this today! This pretty much saved my sanity and my life!! Not to mention the 4 kids and my husband! Thank you thank you thank you! I love that you can write EXACTLY want I NEED TO HEAR!!!
Andrea MaeMonday, 16 March, 2015 at 7:59
Totally. I feel all of these thoughts often. I regularly think of your don’t be a dick post and wonder am so grateful to know there ARE others in the world whom feel the same as I do.
I tend to practice in solidarity and it seems to work the best. The more I try to DO what I AM SUPOSED TO by what someone else feels as spiritual… it fails.
Samantha MertlerMonday, 16 March, 2015 at 8:23
aaaaah. I love you. The flutes. oh. I snorted. and yes. yes yes. I’ve been fighting my life so hard lately too. Fuck the hard shit.
namaste lady 😛
renegademamaMonday, 16 March, 2015 at 12:47
The flute thing was so fucking good I nearly died. I mean I couldn’t have possibly thought of anything more perfect. FUCKING FLUTES?? It’s too much and totally impossible and yet it fully happened. thank you, universe!
MelissaMonday, 16 March, 2015 at 9:29
YOU.ARE.AWESOME. You are talking directly to me, I swear, call it karma, whatever, just last night I had my meltdown of “life is not fair, I can’t get a break, my kid doesn’t listen to me, I have no freedom, I’m tired, I want to die, blah, blah, blah and this morning, in my inbox, I have your “I’m supposed to be at an Ashram”. Thank you. Thank you for being you and for spelling it out, and showing me what it’s really all about. Thank you for your insight and your words. I think I will call you swami from now on. Lead on teacher. 🙂
EdMonday, 16 March, 2015 at 10:46
I LOVED this! It was exactly what I needed to read this weekend. Thank You!
jill (mrschaos)Monday, 16 March, 2015 at 11:25
I love you. But you knew that.
I want to needlepoint that quote about the kitchen and living room on a pillow. (You know, if I knew how to do needlepoint.)
JuanitaMonday, 16 March, 2015 at 11:31
I just love you! The honesty. Thank you so much for sharing your truth with us, in all it’s normal fucked up glory. Thank you.
SarahMonday, 16 March, 2015 at 14:27
Ding, ding, ding. That’s the sound of me hitting the hammer on the nail. Or maybe hitting the hammer on the flute.
Katy AllredMonday, 16 March, 2015 at 16:28
You’ve got it EXACTLY, once we know where we are and do what we can from there, amazing transformation is possible! We spend so much energy resisting what already is, when we could be using that energy for change! Good for you for following your intuition and getting the hell out of there.
I coach families and kids in meditation and mindfulness, and when I was coming up with the name for my business I knew it would be total B.S. to call myself “the mindful mommy” – plus my husband would never let me get away with that! 🙂 That’s why I went with ” the ^mostly mindful mommy”, because we’re all flawed.
I’d love to offer you some Skype sessions free of charge to help you and your family through this difficult time. Hit me up if you’re interested – no pretentiousness, guaranteed.
Thanks for all you share here, you are helping so many moms by letting us know we’re not alone!
MirandaTuesday, 17 March, 2015 at 2:37
I am a little bit freaked out by the fact that you seem to be a mind-reader. Seriously, I keep asking myself when I am going to stop trying to fix myself and everything/everyone else. F&*(, it’s exhausting and doesn’t work!!!!! Like living on a hamster wheel. The good news, for the first time in a long time, I am getting glimpses of what it looks like just to let go and boy, it really is blissful…and fleeting.
Thank you, also, for exposing the latest fad/clique/I’m more evolved than you program. I recently received a sucker punch from a fun group of hand-knitting, hand-shorn, wool only wearing, twice daily yoga-practicing, meditating, everyone and everything is wonderful folks. Good wake-up call. Just because you try to hug someone and share the “light” every time you see someone doesn’t mean you’re NOT an asshole!
AndreaTuesday, 17 March, 2015 at 12:43
No words. Beyond amazing and ah-mazing. I’m dying!
The flutes? I can’t either.
KellyWednesday, 18 March, 2015 at 5:01
My Dad has 48 years of sobriety and his favorite quote to me when I call with lots of complaints…..”what’s the most important thing a navigator needs?” He needs to know and accept where he is at before moving forward. My biggest struggle is justified resentments….but if I don’t let them go, I literally drown slowly in pure rage.
DeAnneThursday, 19 March, 2015 at 8:40
I think I love you. This is brilliant. 🙂
LauraSaturday, 21 March, 2015 at 7:30
This is genius, like this….
BeccaSaturday, 21 March, 2015 at 18:15
Oh yes. Oh yes indeed.
NatalieSunday, 22 March, 2015 at 7:46
“Nobody likes enlightened dicks”.
I think I love you.
Is there a picture somewhere so I can make you my #wcw?
I keep coming back to this realization over and over. I get to the point of crying exhaustion and then trying to run away. Then somehow I realize that I’m just paddling in circles because I’m so angry, and then I try and just calm the fuck down.
Thanks for sharing your hard stuff.
HeidiTuesday, 24 March, 2015 at 5:56
Just proof positive that all forms of religion are full of pretentious hypocrites. Humanity is humanity, no matter how you try to cover it up and make it wear flowers and play a flute.Real enlightenment feels a lot like dying, and it’s just ugly. It wouldn’t draw crowds at a retreat. People run from the real thing like that plague. A buddist friend of mine calls children our “personal zen masters”. They bring us exactly what we need. Oy.
MichaelTuesday, 31 March, 2015 at 7:46
You can write more effectively without ridiculous profanity that does little to enhance your story. Try harder. You’re better/smarter than that, yes?
JeanneTuesday, 31 March, 2015 at 9:48
You have to have been in either Nevada City (Ananda) or Grass Valley (can never pronounce the name). I LOVED what you wrote. My neighbor, a past vegan herself, and I usually refer to most of this as being Oh-So (Oh, so enlightened). Keep up the great work.
KarynTuesday, 28 April, 2015 at 5:28
Yes. Again with just what I need to hear. You’re all the swami dressed in orange that I need lady. Thanks for being real.
soLeWednesday, 22 July, 2015 at 21:16
Lol. I’ve studied at Sivananda in Grass Valley. I’ve practiced yoga for 20 years. I’m a yoga teacher. While at the ashram I felt the same way as u often…but other times felt nothing but immense love and gratitude for the swamis..but I did pay them to pass this knowledge on to me in an organized and presentable way…even though I’ve studied Hinduism on my own for nearly 20 years…
How u perceive it al depends on where u are coming from. What place u are in at the time. But you got that. I fully enjoyed your article. Blessed motherfucking Self. Om
DianaMonday, 16 May, 2016 at 14:04
This is one of your best articles! I was laughing to tears! So funny, so well described!
Thanks for writing 🙂
camilaSunday, 23 April, 2017 at 18:26
i love you janelle