I just have a few questions for Amanda Chantal Bacon

by renegademama

So, Amanda. I read your article in Elle about what you eat every day and I just wanted to thank you for offering so many creative and reasonable ideas for my working class family of six.

I can’t wait to announce to my children that we will be eating bee pollen for breakfast tomorrow after meditating and doing a 23-minute breath set.

Wanted to ask you though, what exactly is a “breath set?” And why 23-minutes? Are you breathing in a special way for 23 minutes? Why not 24? Or 22? I fear my 14-year-old, being something of a skeptic, may wonder why the fuck we’re doing a breathing thing for precisely 23 minutes. I’m sure you have your reasons though. Your eyes and draping white linen shoulder wraps tell me you are very, very deep. I’m sure you’ve “done your homework” with your “go-to yoga” teacher over there in Venice, appropriating Eastern spirituality like a motherfucker!

I try. But I live in a central valley town with a bunch of working-class people. It’s so hard to find enlightened people here. I have to really seek out people eating maca doing Kundalini yoga in head-wraps (I noticed them on your yoga place’s website. Can I get one on Etsy?).

I wish I were you. I’ll just follow you on Instagram and yearn.

I’m so glad you mentioned that you drink your “morning chi drink” “in the car!” That really leveled the playing field between you and me, made you so accessible and real. I’ll admit, I felt a little distant when you mentioned cordyceps, reishi, maca, and Shilajit resin, because, you see (I’m ashamed to admit), I’ve never seen those things at Costco and thought for a second maybe you and I aren’t the same, but when I found out you too consume beverages in the car, I realized you’re just another busy mom like me, trying to balance it all while achieving enlightenment through white New Age classism.

What a leader you are!

A light in a dark world. In fact, in that photo of you, the light seemed to actually go through you, as if you were an angel. Are you an angel? Or maybe you are in fact, MOON DUST. Like the name of your juice bar. Moon Juice by the woman made of Dust. OMG how CUTE!

I bet you have hundreds of thousands of followers on Instagram. You’re so inspirational. Whenever I’m in doubt, I’m going to gaze at your bright face and know how good life could be for me, if I could just figure out how to spend $700/day on “seaweed salad with micro cilantro and daikon, and a delicate broth of mushrooms and herbs.”

I tend to eat chicken for dinner.

I should probably be put to sleep.

Also, yesterday, I let my 20-month-old eat Skittles in his high chair so I could take a shower in peace. I never do that. Usually I feed him blueberries, his favorite thing. Have you heard of them? Excessively pedestrian food, I know, but still, he likes them.

Anyway I didn’t have any blueberries, so I let him eat Skittles. Lots of red dye. I feel terribly guilty now. You would never do that, would you, Amanda? Do you think there’s still hope for me? Do you think if I really work hard I can eat zucchini ribbons and pine nuts as an actual meal as opposed to a side-dish of questionable validity?

Which reminds me, what’s your sweet little Rohan’s favorite food? I mean, when he’s not requesting vegan restaurants on Abbot Kinney in Venice, what does he like to eat?

Activated cashews? What about regular ones? Do non-activated cashews count? DO NON-ACTIVATED CASHEWS HAVE ANY PLACE ON THE PLANET AT ALL?

You’re such a wealth of knowledge, Amanda!

You also mentioned that “your version of a taco” is “a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts.” This confuses me a little, because where I come from, a taco involves a tortilla, and some sort of meat. Have you ever had tacos al pastor? Asada? I guess not. But then again, your version is “probiotic-rich with the cultured veggies, and deeply mineralizing thanks to the sea vegetables.”

Well, shoot. Guess that means no more carnitas for me. But wait.

Have you ever been to a taco truck? You say your seaweed taco is “deeply satiating” but I fear perhaps you haven’t experienced “satiating” on the level I have. Have you ever had some tacos al pastor with corn tortillas and onion and cilantro and lime on top, sold right there out of the truck?

I just don’t see how pea sprouts can ever compete with motherfucking carnitas, Amanda. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FUCKING TACO TRUCK TACO BECAUSE I FEAR YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT WE’RE DEALING WITH HERE WHEN WE TALK ABOUT TACOS.

Sorry.

I get carried away. I love tacos.

I’m okay now.

Alright, so, now that I know how smart enlightened rich white millennial females in Los Angeles eat, I can move forward with my life in a remarkably more productive and healthy and spiritually sound way.

Big thanks to you and Elle magazine for really having your finger on the pulse of what matters. Really right at the heart of relevance here. No other magazines are posting your daily regime. Why? Because they don’t know what matters.

One more thing though: Did you notice your last name is “Bacon?”

You might want to check that out.

I fear it’s an insult to the BEST FUCKING THING IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD THAT ROHAN PROBABLY WANTS TO EAT INSTEAD OF OLIVES STEEPED IN LIFE-AFFIRMING WATERS OF HIMALAYAN GODDESS MOUNTAINS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU EAT.

Sorry. Again. I think my mind is a little whacky from the boxed brownies I ate yesterday during the Superbowl. I think I could actually feel myself getting less intelligent as each processed butter-laden sugar ball entered my bloodstream.

Maybe I’ll make some chia almond pudding with my kid instead, to be like you, and feel hope.

Activated cashews, delicate hands, and copper cups for all!

 

bacon21

more stuff I shouldn't have said out loud:

  • Tara

    Reminds me of Gwenyth & her GOOP mama-shaming ways.

  • Joodz

    Once again, you took my thoughts and typed them out. Activated cashews my ass.

  • Nicole

    I’m so confused .. What is an activated cashew ? That’s not my only question but those were words that I recognized but never saw together this way .

    • Amber

      I’m glad I’m not the only one that gravitated towards these 2 words because they were the only 2 I knew lol but I have no idea what they mean together. Lol seriously who eats that shit? Tacos for the win!

    • Amelia

      Activated nuts are when you soak raw nuts in water. They will sprout (like not little stems) but it the seed inside comes to life. Then they are dehydrated so they crispy again, but at a low enough temp the nutrients don’t cook. It’s supposed to make the nutrients easier to absorb. Idk if this is true.

  • Ana

    What in the ever loving fuckery? One day this person is going to wake up from her WASPy nightmare, and wonder why the shit she’s eating activated reishi and buddist monk dung and why she’s NOT consuming actual food. Then we will revel in ELLEs hard hitting journalism on how Ms. Bacon had a life affirming moment and now sells churros from a cart on the boardwalk.

    • Sam Pereira

      I’m stealing “What in the ever loving fuckery”. Gold!

      • Renee

        Yes! Me too.

  • Marian

    How long is Amanda Bacon visiting planet Earth for? Just curious…dunno how long I have to get her autograph before she transcends back to her dimension.

    Janelle, I effing love you.

  • Christina

    Is that ELLE article for real? It almost reads like a piss take it’s so ridiculous.

    “I know the right answer would be to sit down and take 10 minutes to eat, but that doesn’t happen for lunch, ever.” Ummm, is this supposed to make us feel closer to you too, like drinking in the car? Just makes me think you really haven’t sorted out your work/life balance, despite all your mineralised sea vegetables!

    Over here at our house it goes a bit more like this

    Breakfast:Cheerios (half on floor where toddler got his hands in my bowl)
    Morning tea: jam and butter sandwiches
    Lunch: Leftover spaghetti bolognese (sitting down. for as long as I can before the kids start fighting again)
    Exercise: we all go to the park. again.
    Afternoon tea: Watermelon and crackers
    Mum’s secret afternoon tea in the cupboard: 4 Dark Chocolate Tim Tams
    Dinner: What the hell do I have in the freezer. Looks like it’s chicken nuggets and frozen peas kids
    Night time snack: made them myself frozen yogurt ice blocks. Yup, I’m a supermum. I put that yogurt in the freezie things myself.

    How do we all survive??? Not a sun cured olive in sight.

    • Sam Pereira

      Secret Tim Tams! I’ll be with you in the cupboard 🙂

    • Beezey

      Love mum’s secret afternoon teas! Especially when if they stopped fighting each other they would have seen me + chocolate in plain sight. You snooze you lose!

  • Jill

    Check this out, it is a DELIGHT. He captures exactly how I hear her voice in my head. Annoying and insufferable. And possibly poised to crack at any moment.

    https://www.facebook.com/jarrettsleeper/videos/10101437467949987/?fref=nf

    • Kristy

      That video was better than reading the Ellen article! I must be behind in the times because I don’t know who the fuck she is and why do people give a fuck what she’s eating? I pat myself on the back tonight for cooking dinner at all and not throwing a banquet meal in the mic for the kid! Maybe A listers give a fuck, can and want to eat like this, but I nanny and sell Tupperware for fucks sake! I’m a busy girl and me and my kid need real food to survive and we need to do it in under $10 a day… I’m embarrassed for her because she seems to think she’s inspirational and giving good advice. Fuck that, my 11yo sat at his TV tray with Netflix on pause until he finished the broccoli and cheese microwave steamer I forced him to eat! When he finished the preservative filled veggie I chose to nuke tonight I’d felt I’d fucking won… I guess eating in front of the TV is probably a no no in her house, but when you don’t have full size kitchen you eat where you can. Sometimes we eat in the car, does that make me a fucking rebel like Amanda? Love you blog Mama!

  • Amy

    Yes her article was obnoxious and pretentious, but the cruel judgey tone of this is just as ugly. I love your heart and honesty. Maybe this wasn’t the best representation of you. Besides, making fun of Amanda Chantal Bacon is a little too easy.

    • renegademama

      Dear Amy,

      If calling people out on their classist out-of-touch bullshit and the exploitative materialism it supports is “ugly,” then I’ll be “ugly” until my dying fucking day. Amanda Chantal Bacon is an icon of a new-age white elitism that banks on the assumed desperation of women to be told how to eat, live, and, apparently, breathe. I’ve used sarcasm and satire to make that point because it is dark as hell, mirroring the darkness of the fact that this shit exists in the first place.

      I speak the truth as I see it. That IS my heart and honesty.

      Besides, it’s “a little too easy” to kumbaya all day.

      Janelle

      • Ashley

        PREACH. 👐

      • Aimee

        I say we send Amanda Bacon to a 3rd world poverty/ disease stricken country so she can realize how disgusting she sounds.

      • Natalie

        Yeah, plus if you just write that she sniffs ALL the farts, it’s not as witty.

      • Mary Sunshine

        Rock on!

    • Heather

      Out of curiosity.. how do you think your comment sounds??.. I guess you judging Janelle doesn’t count…

  • Ani

    Love! Love! Love! Slow clap and mic drop!

  • Lisa

    Motherfucking carnitas is right! I think girlfriend has bad too much angeldust…er, moondust.

  • Shannon

    Stone ground almond butter. Think about that. THAT cracks me up.

    • renegademama

      Well, don’t you know the damn metal blades CONTAMINATE the shit? My god… 🙂 Get out your fucking mortar & pestle, folks, for HEALTH!

      • Irma

        True story…I have had an Omega juicer for years – still is a work horse of a juicer. Now, all the talk is about ‘masticating’ juicers. Had a sales rep explain to me that masticating is much better because “it gently – not so violently as with my traditional juicer – releases the juice from the pulp… It saves the positive ‘life force integrity of the fruit or vegetable that would be destroyed by violent extraction.
        I had to bite my tongue to keep from LOL.

      • Amy Smith Elliott

        so i just looked up activated cashews because, ACTIVATED. um, they’re cashews soaked in water then dried again. and then you can buy a pound for $21. because water is super expensive. i wonder, are they in-house activated or does she send them to Nepal? like, her with a hair-dryer making them dry again and bagging that shit up, or a monk praying as the sun drags out the toxins we all know thrive in the nut.

  • Allie

    Amanda’s totally going to break one day and be photographed with McDonald’s wrappers scattered all around her. Stone ground almond butter can only sustain you for so long.

  • Diane

    Any chance you could get a copy of your piece to Ms. Bacon?

  • Cindy

    I.fucking.love.you. 😜

  • Jen

    That Elle article reads like a piece from The Onion. WTF, who the hell actually cares what this woman thinks? The amount of money required to sustain that nonsense must be staggering.

  • Stephanie

    Why are magazines still publishing this shit? I was hoping we’d gotten past the “look at the life you’ll never have” stuff and were now just focusing on the “look at the sex you’ll never have.” Meh. If you can’t beat’em, join’em.

    *wraps bath towel on head, stretches*

  • Dorothea

    How is she even still alive? I want to eat chips just from reading it…

  • Mary

    BWAHAHAHA. So glad I read this. Especially after watching the most absurd, and longest Bollywood movie EVER (and that’s saying something!) So, basically, I’ve been laughing all night. Life is fucking surreal. HER NAME IS BACON!!! YAY.

  • Shelley Garcia

    Laugh out Mother F’ing Loud!!!!!! You are the best!!

  • Michelle

    I love it!

  • Christine W

    I love your honesty and that you’re real
    I love that you represent those of us just trying to keep it together.
    I want to hug you and high five you!!!

  • Laura

    Shit, and I thought I was being fancy by feeding my kid avocados sometimes and making my own granola once. This girl is on a planet of her own.

    (And who needs to ribbon their zucchinis? Are they too unhealthy in their unribboned form??)

    You’re right. Classism and materialism at its lowest.

  • Deborah Seidner

    SO FREAKIN’ FUNNY.

  • E

    Hell to the yeah. Working class, down to real earth, real problems, financially ‘trying’ ‘getting there’ and sometimes ‘failing”, real deal foods, trying to be healthy,but working hard, figuring life out, did i mention working-as in a real job not just a cool hipster shit job that pays a shit load and make me feel too cool and so deserving, No a real job that is hard and unglamorous. I digress, love you mama renegade, only blog i read for mamas. the rest bore the shit out of me and makke me feel like im from Mars or Jupiter. Feel completely left out on other oh so sweet cookie cutter perfecto blogs. And, yes get me some real tacos, my ppl love em.

  • Irma

    ‘Micro’ cilantro?! So WTF have I been buying at the grocery store? I think I’ve been unknowingly consuming the ‘macro’ cilantro on my beef tacos… No wonder my chakras are all out of alignment!

    • Adria

      LMAO!

    • Carissa

      well, I just laughed so loud it was ugly at the macro cilantro comment, my son keeps saying “what, what, what’s so funny” my answer…everything honey but mostly cilantro : )

  • Aria Alpert Adjani

    I can’t shake this annoying feeling I have stinking up my insides after reading, not only that interview but your words. As they always seem to do – they cut me in the guts with your honestly and wit. And in my (thankfully) humorous woes of self reflecting of my life many years ago – when I only ate raw food and was a vegan and dated the hot stupid as fuck yoga dude and walked around preaching my bullshit to anyone that would listen. Or, more to the point, the same kind of schmuck I was at the time. I painfully must admit I used to be like her. Never ate fairy or moon dust but my moments on earth were so consumed by “trying to be healthy” and “pure” that I missed out on actually enjoying myself and living life. I was in a bubble of self reflectiveness. A painful sad lonely obsessive bubble of trying to be perfect by only eating a certain way and doing yoga like 15 hours a day. As if I would melt and instantly die if I didn’t meditate or ate that steak or enjoyed a glass of wine or a piece of chocolate buttercream cake. Well, we are all gonna die at some point and yes you can live your life any which way you really desire. And I guess if you have abundant money and time and think of yourself and life as precious than by all means eat your fairy dust and coconut chai kale cosmos whatever. Sure I still make my green smoothie but not because I’m obsessive anymore cause I actually enjoy them and I feel good consuming it. But I also feel good after roasting up some Pork Chops and finishing off dinner with some vanilla ice cream for dessert.

    • renegademama

      You are a badass. And I’ve always felt inspired by your culinary creations. Also, really enjoyed this comment. Thank you.

  • Melanie

    Hilarious, thank you.

  • Sam

    I happily have no clue who you are talking about, but I know the type. I really enjoyed this.

  • sarah

    can you imagine how fucking gassy this woman must be….jesus christ lady get a grip…moon juice your way to some reality and give us all a break…one in five kids in this country lives under the poverty line…moon juice lady should be ashamed of her white elitist stinky ass!

    • Raj

      Good thing she does her breath set BEFORE she eats anything.

  • Cassey

    I love your words.

  • Sarah

    Whoa. I read the Elle article, mouth agape. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Who does this? Who? Why? This is SO batshit crazy. I took the time to cruise the Moon Juice website to see what is contained is such items as, “Brain Dust.” It sounded oddly macabre, somewhat cremation-y, but it turns out it’s just a shitload of herbs and a smidge of stevia. For only $55. What a bargain!

    Also, because I’m a sometimes-judgmental asshole: it figures she only has the one kid. It just does. A kid who goes to school everyday while she…breaths a lot? Okay, maybe her business keeps her busy during the day, but what working mother (and I’m the single variety) can take TWO HOURS each night to go to yoga? WHO?! This blows my mind.

  • Kodi

    Thank you for this!!!!!! I’ve been snobbed out too many times by these sorts of people. They live for making others feel stupid and out of touch for not knowing what an activated cashew is. The funny thing is, once each trending food craze is dispelled by science and common sense, they refuse to admit it, and just move on to the next unheard of thing, or make it up. I’m over it. I do my best to eat healthy, and feed my family in a healthy way within our budget. Anyone who wants to judge my pantry, can suck it.

  • Laura

    You are so right – Elle has a massive role to play here – who on earth commissioned, edited and allowed the publication of that INSANITY? Who was their target audience? I suspect they missed the mark by a wide margin. I think you should send your piece to Elle as a response. They need the wake up call. !

  • MK

    Hi. Long time reader, first time poster. I’m one of the hippie dippies (with only two kids, six and under) who sort of lives this food life. Don’t get me wrong: I only eat raw for a few days at a time and incorporate every kind of food there is into our diet. However, there is a solid basis to this celebrity ripoff regimen. I’m a Kundalini practitioner, because I have three suicide attempts under my belt and sometimes, my brain just won’t shut the fuck up. I consume as many green things as I can, because when I eat bread, my sciatica (leftover from massive baby number two) flares up, and I walk around like my 90 year old grandma.The ‘breath set’ she’s talking about is likely the breath of fire warmup, where you try to push all the shitty, stagnating feelings out of your body, so you can pretend whatever the six year old is telling you to WATCH, MOMMY WATCH is the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen. There is method, inside this madness. But. In real life, a person can only do ONE of the things she has on her daily list. She believes she’s living ethically, and consciously, when in reality, she’s a slave to her lifestyle. It’s also dangerous to raise your kids in an exceptionally strict regimen, because the first chance they get, they will eat chocolate covered bacon steak while lying out in full sun, smoking 100 cigarettes. ‘Cos this lady is a smoker, guaranteed. I love your work. I’m a ‘writer’ or something too. Or at least I think I have been for over 30 years, and you really resonate with me.

  • Michaela

    Lol! I read the article a few days ago (via some fb friend or other) but thought it was a piss-take… *sigh*

  • Greek Vicky

    Best ending ever “I love chocolate—and on some evenings, I don’t want to deny the indulgence”
    Oh dear Amanda,how sweet of you having soft spots like you know, the rest of us! Makes you even more angelic.

  • Tessa

    I’m just a going to let myself believe be Elle article is satire. So I can sleep at night.

    Tacos are life.

  • Courtney

    I seriously almost died with your last “How is your last name bacon?” A great way to start my day.

  • Tina E.

    Reminds me a bit of when Vogue did a fabulously fabulous piece on the First Lady of Syria…. yeah, that Syria. http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/01/the-only-remaining-online-copy-of-vogues-asma-al-assad-profile/250753/

    There are many precious people out there with things to sell. She is among them.

    My son turned 10 yesterday and bought himself $15 worth of candy from the Dollar Tree and we’re talking Pop Rocks. Sad to know that’s not going to be in Rohan’s future, or is it? I suspect he might corner the lunchroom market in illicit sugar sales in the future.

    As for the Bacon, my guess, being tangentially related to some Bacon’s, is that it’s a Boston Brahmin name, and means they might be descendants of Sir Francis Bacon. Again, ever sooooo special this Bacon lady is.

    Thanks for the morning guffaw.

  • Jennifer

    Everything I needed to know about this woman was summed up at the mention of Gwyneth Paltrow….

  • Jessica

    TACOS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE MEAT, WOMAN. Janelle, I love you so much.

  • Courtney

    I never comment on anything, but the BMW logo in there with the moon juice pushed me right over the edge. Pearl is an ingredient?And I would argue she is passive aggressively judging when she says how goddamn easy it all is. Making lunch in 45 seconds while standing up, meeting with someone and simultaneously texting and emailing? But no mention of a 3 year old making requests or even needing any sustenance in those 45 seconds. You are a magical fucking octopus! What a dick.

    • Beth

      Slow clap for this comment, my friend. What a dick, indeed.

  • Anna

    Oh my… I cannot believe that people like this seriously exist. It can’t be real. The only good that came out of reading the Elle article was reading yours! It was hard for me to get through it without wiping the tears in my eyes from all the laughter (otherwise I might have cried).

  • caffeine_lights

    I’ve never heard of her. But from what I can see she eats this.

    Tea
    Some kind of tea smoothie
    Supplements (because obviously her diet is super awesome)
    Juice, with more supplements. And nuts.
    Salad and more tea
    Yoghurt
    Smoothie
    Juice x2
    Salad. A sad approximation of soup.
    Milk
    Chocolate

    That’s like TEN DIFFERENT MEALS, seven of which are liquid. Who has the time and the energy? Thinking of three meals to eat in a day is hard.

    Also, I can’t help thinking she must have near permanent diarrhoea.

    • Claudine

      I thought the same thing! “Gee, she must never have a regular bowel movement” Are you a nurse too?

  • Heather

    I’ve been really surprised at how shamed this woman has been from people who don’t like to be shamed themselves. Clearly, she has an eating disorder. While her diet looks “pretentious” to us, it’s psychologically and physically unsafe. When people create “safe” foods and routines, it’s about control. I’d hate to see someone who described their binge eating behavior shamed like this. It’s all behavior that is indicative of personal pain and how we try to avoid it. I don’t know if she’s an easier target because she’s rich and pretty but it’s still unhealthy and will largely harm her kids. Binge eating does the same. If we quit shaming all eating disorders, it would go a long way to letting people reach out for help when they are suffering.

    • renegademama

      See I don’t actually believe she eats like this every day. I believe this was constructed to sell things. HER things, to be more precise. That’s why I’m so openly tearing it apart. But on some level, it is pretty serious that this is conveyed by Elle as an actual viable diet. I can see it contributing to eating disorders for sure.

      • nicole

        I think Ms A Bacon forgot to add that she spends half hour to forty five minutes on the loo shitting thru
        eye of a needle…

  • Dawn

    I love you and your readers, just had the best laugh, some very funny people. Favorite “What in the ever loving fuckery” Trying to figure out when I can use it. Thanks for making my day everyone and especially you Janelle.

    • renegademama

      Thank you. I’ve long said the comment section is better than the post. I fucking love the women here.

  • Courtney

    Can you imagine if Ms. Bacon worked on a farm or in a factory or someplace other than squeezing juice and stealing pollen from bees? Her body would wither from the lack of sustenance. I feel sorry for Rohan. I bet he’s never had a happy meal and could probably use it if he’s going to excel in anything other than chess and/or video games. Must be nice to drive around in your expensive ride, grocery shopping in the forest, doing 2 hours of yoga and never having to worry about paying bills or making sure your son has the right color pipe cleaners for his school party or laundry or gas in the car or making real food that people eat, not hamster food.

    • Kate

      Grocery shopping in the forest. Ha! Perfect.

  • Wendy

    I just had coffee and a slightly stale “no bake chocolate cookie” for breakfast. Maybe Elle will call me to see how I eat all day.

  • Virginia Tauseef

    I must say I adore your website and blog. I have only one daughter but sometimes I feel so inadequate all the same. You are a breath of fresh air whenever I feel like a crappy mom for not being as perfect as I’d like to be. That being said, I think you summed up perfectly the way I (and most of us) feel when we happen to read articles like this. We are just normal moms, trying to get by day by day and that doesn’t make us wrong. Wish I could meet you in person one day and give you a big hug.

  • Kate

    She lost me at Brain Dust, cordyceps, reishi, maca, and Shilajit resin. What the fuck is that? Barf.

      • renegademama

        AMAZINGNESS

      • Dorothea

        Uncontrollable laughter!!

      • Gretchen

        And now coworkers are coming over to my desk to check on me….apparently, attempting to control my laughter sounded like I was convulsing. The crying from the laughter didn’t help the visual either, so now they all want to know what they can do. I’m just sending everyone a link and they’ll understand in a few minutes.

  • Virginia Tauseef

    I must add my mother had 10 kids, ate whatever the fuck she wanted, didn’t do yoga or meditate, never practiced a beauty regimen and looks way better at 65 than most women that age. She is proof that all this crap is utter bullshit!

  • Melanie

    That’s some fabulously sarcastic, funny shit Janell. Thanks for the smile this morning.

  • RachRiot

    I bet Amanda’s farts smell of Juniper and sound like a Tibetan monk, whisper-chanting.

    • Beck

      *SNORT* Yoga makes people fart so much. Maybe that’s what the breath set is for? To breathe in the farts?

  • Kerry

    Maybe she would be able to sit down for a 10 minute lunch if she didn’t spend 12 hours a day either eating or prepping food. Last night I threw some turkey and cheese in a tortilla, rolled it up, and sat down to eat. Had a lovely 10 minute conversation with my 8 year old about which Minecraft world is his favorite. I win.

    • tracy

      you DO win. Her poor son is probably lonely, the food gets all the attention.

  • Mitra

    Please stop reading Elle. Try Bust? theWIP.net ? MotherJones?
    I know it seems futile but we could stop supporting shallow journalism.
    I’m sure there was something really interesting to actually learn from whoever that person is’s lifestyle but I wouldn’t go to Elle to find out anything substantial about anything.

    • Andrea

      Truth! I only read Elle when someone is making fun of something they read in Elle. 😂

  • Sherry

    Read the article. So glad I had read your post first. I would have thought I’d left the planet otherwise.

    What. The. Fuck.

    And Bacon is her last name? Proves that God has a mother fucking WICKED sense of humor.

    Sherry

  • Wendy

    This is hands down the best part of my week!! I almost choked on my chemical laced Diet Coke after eating my nuked canned chili!!!

  • Claudine

    I read the Elle article and then your brilliant response while eating chocolate ice cream out of a mug while standing up at the kitchen counter. I’ll probably keel over dead tomorrow.
    PS Did anyone else think it was crazy that she called these foreign pseudo-foods “pantry staples”?!

    • Beck

      Yes. I was like “can you even store that in a pantry? Will it spoil? Does you pantry smell like my garbage disposal?”

      • Rachel

        Hahahaha the pantry staples line was my favorite too!!! I was like… well… mine are canned diced tomatoes and rice?

  • Melanie

    *Don’t mind me, I am just here for the comments”

  • Eleanor Burke

    THANK YOU! YES I agree with the white classist new age BS-it’s fucking epidemic on instagram. WOW OH WOW! I just followed you on instagram too so I can look so much cooler, and on a more serious note AM writing more, thanks in part to encouragement I feel when I read your blog.

    Incidentally I found this blog years ago when I was having a poor me moment after persuing Soule Mama’s perfect life. I seriously googled “is soule mama for real” and your blog came up!!! I THINK that’s funny.
    Well and what about that last name bacon? First angel named bacon I’ve ever heard of! lots of love to you and yours. I’ll comment again.

  • Nicole

    What I wanna know is, where the fuck is Rohan during all this activated nut and cultured sea vegetable eating?! Oh yeah, he’s with the nanny. Eating skittles.

  • Michele

    Give me my taco truck or give me death! Carpe diem!

  • Rach

    I would love to comment on your comments about this article….I lost the will to live after “6.30am ….meditate…23mins breath set”…..

    I read ALL of your article though and I was conscious of breathing cos I was laughing so much
    🙂

  • Denise B

    OK, she talks about how something takes “45 seconds” to prepare – that seems like an odd number to choose unless one has timed it. Also, nothing takes 45 seconds to prepare, unless it is already mostly prepared.

  • Dr. Charles Payet

    I have to say……..it’s only noon right now, but I truly can’t imagine that I will read anything else as amazingly awesome as this for the rest of the day. Hell, probably not for the rest of the week! OMG – what a DELICIOUSLY, SATISFYING meal of biting sarcasm, humor, and reality!

    As a doctor, I am constantly pissed off at the sheer pretentiousness and unbelievable ignorance of people like the Food Babe, the Moon Juice lady, and everyone like them, because they’re so full of shit, I can’t imagine how they “glow” except for a lot of Photoshop and Instagram filters.

    Renegade Mama……..YOU ROCK.

    And give me a Taco truck quesadilla or taco any day over any of that fairy shit she recommends.

    Lastly, I wonder if the Bacon makers of America could sue to force her to change her last name, because she gives Bacon a bad name.

  • Michael Xavier

    i love you forever for this.

  • Dee

    Hello,

    I worked for this woman for one very long year. She is insufferable. Racist, classist, and completely out of touch with regular people.

    I worked 7-days a week for her, managing one of her stores. I was available from 5 am – 10 pm, 7 days per week. I worked holidays. (So did all of the hard working undocumented citizens that work in her kitchen. They worked harder than anybody.)

    She never pays her bills, has had more nannies in the past few years than you can shake a stick at, got pregnant on purpose with a man even though she is a lesbian so that he would give her money to start the company. I could go on.

    Anyway, she fired me because I mentioned that I didn’t think it was ok that all of the customer facing employees received a Christmas gift of 6 free juices, while the aforementioned undocumented employees did not receive anything. I also shared my frustration that I was the one that had to deal with her former landscaper coming into the shop because she was trying to skate away on a $13,000 landscaping bill.

    I found this blog shortly after I was fired from that job, when I was depressed in bed. I came across this blog somehow, and read all of the entries in one day. (This was 2 years ago.) I have been a weekly reader since. The way that worlds come full circle is so crazy sometimes.

    Thanks, Janelle. You are a funny writer and I like your stuff even though I am not a mom.

  • Beck

    If that Bacon article was satire, it would be GOLD. Instead, I like your post. Yours made me hungry though, “Have you ever had some tacos al pastor with corn tortillas and onion and cilantro and lime on top, sold right there out of the truck?” DROOOOL

    No but seriously. It sounds like she eats the stuff kids make when they are tired of eating their hot lunch on styrofoam trays and start pouring leftover juice into the jello and adding some corn and stabbing it with a fork. The lunch ladies didn’t like that. Not one bit. Probably made looking for lost retainers in trash bins even worse.

  • Erin

    Where has this blog been all my life?

  • Andrea

    Oh, my…I don’t know where to begin. Let’s call a spade a spade…it wasn’t an article, it was an advertisement! She’s selling a lifestyle, promoting her products, whatever. My question is, who is she trying to impress? Clearly, your average middle class mom is not her target demographic, and Gwyneth, Angelina, and the rest of Hollywood already love her. Does she honestly believe the readers of Elle raga-zine are aspiring to be like her? Nah…she wants the readers to feel inferior, inadequate, you name it. I don’t believe that the gen-pop wants to be like her any more than they want to be like this overweight, middle class SAHM who permits her children to eat pop tarts…albeit reluctantly. I felt good when I banned margarine from our house, switching to butter. Holy crap, I felt like Rachel-fricking-Ray when I stopped using cream of yuck soup in my tuna noodle casserole! Go me! She makes a non-gmo, gluten free, vegan, organic diet look like pig slop! Good for her. You do you, Bacon! I’ll just be over here in the corner eating my hot pocket and ritz crackers with the rest of my posse.
    PS I LOVE YOU, JANELLE!

  • Issa

    I loved this so much I had to actually leave a comment. I read the article last week, as I ate a PBJ and Honey BBQ Fritos at my desk. Somehow I bet I enjoy my life more than she does.

  • Katie

    Pensioners are eating catfood and this self-obsessed shit exists. How fucked up is the world?

  • April

    Why is everyone so hateful about this random woman? Who cares ? This isn’t the CDC telling you what to eat. It’s a person who owns a juice bar who Elle wanted to interview. Why read Elle if it just makes you mad? Watch Rachel Ray for some recipes

  • Darby

    I just found your website and am still laughing out loud about this article. I cannot honestly believe for one minute that this Bacon lady lives like this. It was clearly an advertisement for her overpriced bullshit lifestyle…unbelievable. Love your writing!

  • Susan

    *pours a gin and tonic, clicks on the comments*

  • ashley

    bahahahahaha!

  • Mary

    I’m so glad I stumbled upon this. You stated exactly what I was thinking.

  • Rachel

    OMG I’m dying. You’re hilarious and amazing. That article… woof. Cultured sea vegetables… totally a pantry staple!

    Also I actually felt joy upon clicking “No, I don’t care about flawless skin” to get rid of the email-signup thing that appeared over that article. NO ELLE I REALLY ACTUALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT FLAWLESS SKIN TOO BUSY CARING ABOUT OTHER THINGS OVER HERE

  • Aahley

    She and good ole’ Gwen Paltroe sure are in touch with us commoners… every single word of your post crossed my mind while reading her interview. Get the fuck out with all that BS. What kind of ridiculous life must you lead to find yourself so amazing that you think you need to prostilatize about making your own dark chocolate (which you eat all the live-long day), while running your AMAZING juice business (name dropping), while meditating, and really getting in touch with your yoga practice. Where is your child during all of this wonderful enlightenment, might I ask? Probably studying ancient languages with his private montessori nanny. Please, someone make these people keep their entitled, self-endulgent, tactless bullshit out of the magazines and Internet for the little people. Isn’t there some kind of intranet for all of the disgustingly wealthy, out-of-touchers so they can blow smoke up each others’ butts instead of ours? There should be.

  • Angie

    Laughing my head off! And the comments /links, pure gold.

    A side-dish of questionable validity……zucchini ribbons……..so good.

  • Liz Henry

    She also drives and Instagrams her dumb shit at the same time:
    https://www.instagram.com/p/7ql9_5jBbV/?taken-by=moonjuiceshop

    You can dress it up with magic pixie dust and unicorn farts but an eating disorder it still is.

  • Jan

    What a snarky b***h you are! As someone who grew up in
    The West Village in the 90’s, eating at Whole Wheat and Wild Berries, Soeun, Spring Street Natural and Apple, and shopping at Lifethyme, Amanda Chantal Bacons ‘diet’ is not unusual to me… It’s 20 years later and I I still to eat this way.. I have my own little apothecary in my kitchen (including some of Ms Bacons products, used sparingly), and you know what closet isn’t full? Skincare! I would rather plunk
    Down money on nutritious foods/ herbs than a fortune on skincare …. I’m often
    Mistaken for 10-15 years younger than I actually am! Don’t be so narrow minded…
    Let me go indulge in some coconut water kefir , raw cacao coconut cream and stone ground hazelnut cacao butter. Heavenly!

    • Ashley

      Dear Jan, calling names is not Vegan is it? I think you are either missing the point or you are actually entirely out of touch with reality, much like Ms. Bacon. Try not to choke on your whole-food skin care humble bragging. 😁

      • Jan

        @ashley- where did I say I was vegan? I am not bragging at all, just explaining that ACB ‘lifestyle’ is nothing new… I eat the way I do for health/ethical reasons and it makes me happy… I was Just mistaken yesterday for being 35 and turned 47 a few months ago. I never preach unless someone say something snarky about my lifestyle lol. ACB has been around for awhile and I find it funny that everyone is in a tizzy over her diet… I thought I included a link to an old article… Check it out:

        http://www.harpersbazaar.com/beauty/diet-fitness/advice/a2034/whole-food-plant-based-diet-0514/

    • Raina

      What a snarky bitch YOU are. Diet sure seems to have done wonders for your mood.

  • Susie

    Just brilliant as always…

  • Emily

    In order not to roll my eyes so hard I break something, I try to just enjoy the schadenfreude of knowing that people like that are so incredibly smug about things that are entirely, 100% made-the-fuck-up.

    Also copper is not great for food safety. She’s probably not getting more than she should, but if she did, she’d probably ascribe the vomiting and diarrhea to some kind of incredible cleanse.

  • Liz

    Was sent your blog today by a friend and have not laughed so hard in such a long time. This is my personal favorite. You are my hero.

  • Thomas Rolwing

    I listened to Amanda on Rich Roll’s podcast yesterday. I never heard of her before yesterday and have been fascinated to catch up on the social media backlash. I was driving back from rural Missouri and amused by somebody talking about all this crazy shit while driving out of an area that considers rice and macaroni and cheese vegetables. Haha.

Leave a Comment

Comment policy: try not to be a dick.