Low-hanging Resolutions

by renegademama

You know when you leave a bar of soap in water too long and the bottom gets all squishy and useless, becoming at that point exactly what a bar of soap should not be? Well, as you probably know, that useless degenerative paste is our President. I mean, if soap scum could be a white supremacist, misogynistic, neo-fascist with poor grammar skills.

So everybody settle down with the New Year’s resolution situation.

America, take it easy. Not only do you have slippery soap scum as President, you probably have at least one family member excited about it.

For two years, my American friends committed to reality as opposed to collective partisan delusion, you’ve endured a President who behaves worse than you’d ever let your kids behave while listening to you mother say things like, “Yes, he’s a buffoon, but look at the economy!”

For two years, you’ve wondered what the hell is wrong with these people, how it’s mentally and spiritually possible for them to believe Captain Pussy-Grabber is the man leading our country “in a better direction.”

For two years, you’ve watched Trump hold his Mein Kampf rallies with thousands of gleefully hopping white people chanting hate rhymes, and while you watch them, you realize you’re supposed to raise kids on a planet with these emoji-loving humans, the same ones who lie in bed at night inventing pizza pedophile Clinton crimes.

(Yes, hopping. Whether figuratively or literally, they seem like the type of people who hop.)

And here we are at the end of 2018 and everyone is telling us to “do better for the New Year.” Have we not endured enough without the addition of arbitrary self-improvement requirements?

America with decency, you have done enough. You’ve run a motherfucking marathon barefoot on Legos.

We’ve survived, and we’re tired. Personally, I’m sticking with low-hanging resolutions and suggest you consider the same.

Here are mine:

  1. Cut down my coffee consumption for a “more healthy alternative.” I’m kidding. I will however consider buying organic half-n-half for my six cups of daily coffee. If it’s on sale.
  2. Continue my streak of occasionally allowing a vigorous unfollow to replace the complex, nuanced diatribe I just wrote to a woman in Minnesota with feathered hair who thinks Nickelback is a good band and Jesus elected Trump.
  3. Buy some fucking bins for something.
  4. Put some shit in the bins.
  5. Fold a fitted sheet once.
  6. Wear my gym clothes three times a week.
  7. Turn forty in March.
  8. Complete ten pages in one of those eclectic adult coloring books of jungles or fish or whatever.
  9. Watch every episode of Black-ish next to my children because it’s bonding.
  10. Take 150 baths.
  11. Yell at my children 2% less.
  12. Do not eat simple carbohydrates I’ve discovered in the kitchen between 1am-4am because I can’t sleep thinking about the nation degenerating into steaming piles of dog shit. Eat peanut butter or cheese or something.
  13. Convert three more people to the use of CBD vape pens to treat their insomnia because there is no joy like hearing your 69-year-old aunt ask you where she can get that “weed sucking thing.”
  14. Only spend thirty minutes a day scrolling trending topics on Twitter then staring out the window wondering where it all went wrong.
  15. DO NOT READ EMOJI-OBSESSED TRUMP SUPPORTER #QANON MORONS AT ALL EVER JANELLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVEN IF YOU LIKE PAIN WHICH YOU CLEARLY DO BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SEEM TO STOP.
  16. Make a vision board of ways Mitch McConnell may face a sudden and untimely demise.
  17. Make a vision board of ways we can help Ruth Bader Ginsburg not die.
  18. Read books that aim to not make me smarter.
  19. Put stuff in my phone calendar and then look at it occasionally.
  20. Miss three school commitments instead of five.
  21. Go on nature walks with my kids once a month, or put on a shark documentary or stand in the backyard grass or whatever.
  22. Recommit myself to my marriage by not divorcing for another year.
  23. Try to remember not to let my third-grader wear my “I gave a fuck once” socks to school again.

Low-hanging resolutions, motherfuckers. For Jesus.

 

***

ACTUAL 2019 GOAL: Write another book. Or something. 

Until then, will you check out the one I already wrote?

22 Comments | Posted in .....I make bad decisions... | December 31, 2018
  • Sandi

    So much this. Those fucking coloring books haunt me.

  • Sarah

    I just (finally) finished your book. Thank you. You are amazing.

    And your resolutions are EVERYTHING I needed to help me resist choosing “one little word” for 2019. Keep on truckin’ and give your adorable spawn and baby daddy an extra big snuggle to start the year off right. (My 3 year old is currently in my bed, holding my left arm prisoner.)

  • MaryEl

    Coffee IS healthy.

  • Jessica

    Those socks are fucking epic.

  • Angela Recardo

    Janelle! You are a marvel, thank you for taking the time to write posts because it is exactly posts like this one that say what my constipated brain is feeling with all my being but cannot make the words.

    It IS, it REALLY IS, so confusing that people are trying to see something that doesn’t exist. It’s like we have spent an entire year living in the Emperor’s New Clothes story. Nothing is really better, it’s so much artifice. I survived 2018. I survived it. And I will grit my teeth and hang on for another year and whenever it is possible to inject sense (read- facts) and humanity into the discussions I am part of, that is my resolution.

  • Karen Robinson

    You make me laugh hysterically and/or cry every time I read a post/tweet. Thank you for making me feel all the feels. And I have those same socks, which I wear as a teacher 🙂

  • Jen

    2019 commitment: Read all of your posts,so keep writing.
    I’ve almost finished your book and I was having trouble deciphering your political views–NorCal can be kinda red-leaning. I’m thrilled to see we can still be friends. 🙂

  • Cathi

    Thanks for this post. This was exactly what I needed to read. Stay strong in 2019!

  • Richard Stevens

    Funny. Thank you. There aren’t enough bad words to describe this president’s character, accomplishments, direction and supporters.

  • Trina

    My New Year’s Resolution – let Janelle know how much I love her stuff. I love your blog, I loved your book, you are awesome and incredible and human. Thank you. So much.

  • Julie

    THANK YOU for this!! (also I read your book last year and loved it so much and parts of it are burned into my brain, in a good way) My new “mantra” (ugh) is “There will be problems. You will solve them.” So I don’t ruin my life forecasting all the crap that could (and will) go wrong and try to just freaking live for a change.

    Anyways, this blog is wonderful and life-giving and thanks. 🙂

  • Andrea

    Your comment policy is my #1 on my low hanging resolution list! As well as all the bins!!!

  • Jennifer Haston

    Janells,

    Love this! I especially love those socks! Thank you for being super real.
    It gives the others courage to be real too!

    I hate the word resolution. I like “I promise” better. I promised to myself I will have less screen time and read more.. that’s it. that will be hard enough because I have realized I am truly addicted to it. So, there’s that.

    Jennifer

  • Anne

    I support everything you say here, except the bit about folding the fitted sheet. Fuck that noise.

  • Miranda

    That seems like a lot… Good luck!

  • Lorain

    My resolutions? Keep breathing. Remain sentient. That’s all I can commit to right now, and that second one is a biggie.

    P.S. Love your book. Thank you for writing — the book AND your blog.

  • juliep

    Wear my gym clothes three times a week.
    Truth. LOL.

  • kathy sokol

    Love you forever Janelle

  • Norita

    Absofuckinglutely Perfect writing.
    Low hanging resolution from a fellow laughing Libtard…
    Buy socks in pic above.

    Happy 2019, Dems in da House !!!!

  • Sarah

    Whoa girl, slow down, this list is super ambitious. No sarcasm, this is a lot of things, lol

  • Catalina Perez

    #16 Yaaaaassss I hate that MOFO! Every day I wish him a slow painful death. Does that make me a horrible person? (Oh well!) You on the other hand, I adored ❤️

  • Luella Shapiro

    I asked Althea what her resolutions were and she thought hard and then said:
    to turn 9. and start 4th grade.
    i’m trying to 1) use less single use plastics and
    2) do this #150hoursoutside thing. but i want to know what percentage of the family has to be outside for it to count. like, when i make all the children go out so i can’t hear them screaming anymore, but i stay inside to play on my phone, does that count?