- On the first Saturday of December, decide to “put lights up” and “get the tree today” and prepare for it by lying on your bed and texting a friend about her afternoon plans and how you’d rather do that.
- Wonder if there’s some way you can avoid “getting the tree today.”
- Keep doing that until 2pm.
- Realize if you don’t get the tree today you’ll have to do it on a weekday after school, which sounds like hell.
- Head out to locally owned Christmas tree farm at 2:30pm because you are a thoughtful progressive who wants to support local business. Engage in deep tree analysis based on needle-type, bushy/not bushy, whether or not there’s a “good side,” how many holes exist in the branches, how dry it already is, and, my personal favorite, the fucking price.
- Find tree whole family likes only to realize it’s $80. Head to second family owned Christmas tree farm because you refuse to give your money to Home Depot.
- Experience same at second place.
- Feel your soul leaving your body as you drive to Home Depot.
- Find seventeen trees that five out of six of your family members like while trying not to lose toddler in tree rows and/or parking lot since you are, in fact, in a fucking parking lot. Listen to your teenager shame you for having no soul whatsoever, buying a tree from a corporate parking lot “farm.” To which you respond, “I know. I felt it leave my body.”
- Realize you no longer care what the tree looks like or who hates it and finally buy one. For $40. Thank you, Home Depot.
- Get home and remember you didn’t clear a spot for the tree or get the Christmas boxes out because you fucked around on your phone instead.
- Clear a spot for the tree and bring all decorations in and untangle lights and want to die.
- At 4:45pm, begin putting lights up on the house. At 5pm, notice it’s dark. Ask yourself why you laid on your bed all morning instead of addressing your life.
- At 5:15pm, watch a teenager scream and storm into the house while you point out that he’s “ruining family bonding time.” In doing so, make things immediately worse.
- Argue with your partner about light placement, find yourself unable to locate necessary extension cords.
- Drive to Walmart to buy extension cords. If you had soul left, it’s gone now.
- 6:30pm! Get lights up! Nailed it. It’s super janky but who the fuck cares?
- Feel Christmas spirit as you stand in front of the house Griswold-style and watch daddy flip the lights on. Think about how your 17-year-old is nearing the last years she’ll do this, maybe. Cry?
- Watch the other teenager get angry. Good feeling gone at second storm into house.
- Want to go to bed but remember tree situation.
- Decide you just need to get the tree in water so it’s not a fire hazard in two weeks, and we’ll decorate tomorrow “I promise!”
- Search garage for tree stand.
- Do not find tree stand.
- Remember that last year you got rid of tree stand because it was a piece of shit.
- Wish you could do life over again or at least that single moment because a piece of shit stand is more than you have now.
- Yell at somebody.
- Listen to husband offer to take all the kids to Target to buy a tree stand. Tell him he is your Lord and Savior.
- Clean the fucking house a little since you neglected it all day, build a fire, and really feel that Christmas spirit, alone, in the house, in sweet, sweet silence. Alone. In the house. How Christmas is supposed to fucking be. Wait.
- Watch your husband return. Move shit out of the way for the tree. Puke at what you find beneath furniture.
- Observe your husband on the ground trying to get the new tree stand to work. Suggest he stop saying “This motherfucker does not work!”
- Sit on couch and offer super helpful directions that increase “motherfucker” utterances.
- Have one kid hold tree while you stand across the room and attempt to get it straight. Eventually also realize you don’t care.
- The next day, when you’re supposed to be decorating it, write a blog post to your friends.
And, you’re done!
Hey! Today is the last day to buy my ebook for $2.99
Don’t miss that shit!
(It goes back to $13.99 tomorrow.)