You know when you leave a bar of soap in water too long and the bottom gets all squishy and useless, becoming at that point exactly what a bar of soap should not be? Well, as you probably know, that useless degenerative paste is our President. I mean, if soap scum could be a white supremacist, misogynistic, neo-fascist with poor grammar skills.
So everybody settle down with the New Year’s resolution situation.
America, take it easy. Not only do you have slippery soap scum as President, you probably have at least one family member excited about it.
For two years, my American friends committed to reality as opposed to collective partisan delusion, you’ve endured a President who behaves worse than you’d ever let your kids behave while listening to you mother say things like, “Yes, he’s a buffoon, but look at the economy!”
For two years, you’ve wondered what the hell is wrong with these people, how it’s mentally and spiritually possible for them to believe Captain Pussy-Grabber is the man leading our country “in a better direction.”
For two years, you’ve watched Trump hold his Mein Kampf rallies with thousands of gleefully hopping white people chanting hate rhymes, and while you watch them, you realize you’re supposed to raise kids on a planet with these emoji-loving humans, the same ones who lie in bed at night inventing pizza pedophile Clinton crimes.
(Yes, hopping. Whether figuratively or literally, they seem like the type of people who hop.)
And here we are at the end of 2018 and everyone is telling us to “do better for the New Year.” Have we not endured enough without the addition of arbitrary self-improvement requirements?
America with decency, you have done enough. You’ve run a motherfucking marathon barefoot on Legos.
We’ve survived, and we’re tired. Personally, I’m sticking with low-hanging resolutions and suggest you consider the same.
Here are mine:
- Cut down my coffee consumption for a “more healthy alternative.” I’m kidding. I will however consider buying organic half-n-half for my six cups of daily coffee. If it’s on sale.
- Continue my streak of occasionally allowing a vigorous unfollow to replace the complex, nuanced diatribe I just wrote to a woman in Minnesota with feathered hair who thinks Nickelback is a good band and Jesus elected Trump.
- Buy some fucking bins for something.
- Put some shit in the bins.
- Fold a fitted sheet once.
- Wear my gym clothes three times a week.
- Turn forty in March.
- Complete ten pages in one of those eclectic adult coloring books of jungles or fish or whatever.
- Watch every episode of Black-ish next to my children because it’s bonding.
- Take 150 baths.
- Yell at my children 2% less.
- Do not eat simple carbohydrates I’ve discovered in the kitchen between 1am-4am because I can’t sleep thinking about the nation degenerating into steaming piles of dog shit. Eat peanut butter or cheese or something.
- Convert three more people to the use of CBD vape pens to treat their insomnia because there is no joy like hearing your 69-year-old aunt ask you where she can get that “weed sucking thing.”
- Only spend thirty minutes a day scrolling trending topics on Twitter then staring out the window wondering where it all went wrong.
- DO NOT READ EMOJI-OBSESSED TRUMP SUPPORTER #QANON MORONS AT ALL EVER JANELLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVEN IF YOU LIKE PAIN WHICH YOU CLEARLY DO BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SEEM TO STOP.
- Make a vision board of ways Mitch McConnell may face a sudden and untimely demise.
- Make a vision board of ways we can help Ruth Bader Ginsburg not die.
- Read books that aim to not make me smarter.
- Put stuff in my phone calendar and then look at it occasionally.
- Miss three school commitments instead of five.
- Go on nature walks with my kids once a month, or put on a shark documentary or stand in the backyard grass or whatever.
- Recommit myself to my marriage by not divorcing for another year.
- Try to remember not to let my third-grader wear my “I gave a fuck once” socks to school again.
Low-hanging resolutions, motherfuckers. For Jesus.
ACTUAL 2019 GOAL: Write another book. Or something.
Until then, will you check out the one I already wrote?