We’re going to be featured on Hoarders!

by Janelle Hanchett

We’re going to be featured on Hoarders!

No, we are not.

That was a lie.

[But you probably knew that already, because who the hell would excitedly announce online “We’re gonna be on a show featuring sociopaths who collect shit!”? Okay, I know. I know. It’s a mental illness. It’s serious, very sad, what a shame, etc. But it’s a damn funny mental illness. And a weird one. And I make fun of everybody, including myself. Plus, I’m rude. The end.]

Though we didn’t actually get invited to Hoarders, I bet if we sent them pictures of our hallways, living room and kitchen, we might get the green light.

Now you may ask, “Why does your house suddenly appear like one of those whack-job homes on Hoarders?”

Let me lay it out for you in plain English: because my husband and I are fucking psychos.

That was not a lie.

So you all know what my life has been lately, right? Okay, perfect. So the full gravity of the following story will hopefully sink in appropriately: on Tuesday the husband and I went to Ikea (swoon – so much crap! Most of which I can afford! And it looks only like semi-crap once it’s installed in the home! Yay!). No seriously I love that place. Don’t judge.

ANYWAY, so we get there and we’re buying a few organizational items for what will become the homeschool room, and Mac sees these fake wood floors for very, very cheap and announces “Dude, let’s put this in the homeschool room, TODAY.” And since I’ve been asking for non-carpet in there and we’re poor and I’m a total and complete lunatic, I say “for real? Yeah. Good idea.”

Holy fuck why can’t we just  be like normal people? You know, the kind who plan shit?

Why isn’t there a little voice in my head that says “MAYDAY JANELLE MAYDAY!! – redoing the floors requires moving everything out of the room in question and all that furniture and stuff will be in your hallways and living areas and it NEVER takes one day to do projects like this you steaming pile of idiot! SAY NO SAY NO!”

 But I say “yes.” Because there is something wrong with me.

So for the last 5 days you have to walk sideways down my hall and there’s a piano in my entryway and we’ve all been eating in little huddles on the floor, where there’s space. The best part is trying to carry the baby down the hall, sideways, so she’s facing the photos hung on the walls…and grabbing for them. So you have to like DART quickly sideways down the hall.

Somebody please shoot me.

Because it’s even worse than previously indicated. Once we got the floors down I realized I hate the wall color with the floors. So.we.painted.  But while at Home Depot buying the paint for the walls I saw crown moulding and said to myself “well now looky there! Ain’t that pretty?!” So we bought some. But it had to match the base boards. So we painted all.of.that.too.

And now? We’re running like hell to put this together and I ask you, from the bottom of my heart, “WHY DO I DO SHIT LIKE THIS?”

Perhaps more importantly, “Why do I never LEARN from doing shit like this?”
Because I can guarantee you the next time we do work on our house, the circumstances will be just like this time.

And it will suck just as bad.

Though in our defense, it looks damn good (I’ll post pics when it’s done). Plus, we’re having a really good time making up “caulking” jokes [read: “cock-ing”]. Yes, we’re classy.


[To cheer me up, please CLICK HERE (or on the badge on the right) to vote for me for CBS Sacramento’s Most Valuable Blogger Award. I’ve never been nominated for anything, let alone won anything. So please. Hook it up, friends.]

  • Melissa

    This post had me laughing. I always want to do spur of the moment remodeling, but my husband calmly redirects me out of home depot or wherever we happen to be at the time when inspiration hits. You should post a photo of the room when you are done, you know so I can show my husband how it all worked out.

    • renegademama

      “When inspiration hits.” BRILLIANT.

      Cause you never know. This may be the best idea we ever had. EVER. I’ll try to post a picture. Cheers.

  • Shan

    You must be my long lost sister. We decided to hang pictures. Which required painting. Which required patching. Which, hey, check out the bamboo flooring! We want bamboo flooring and Home Depot has a shit ton for about half what we were expecting.

    Thank god the sample we snagged showed us that it was way darker than we wanted.

    • renegademama

      We’ve been over this. We are soul mates who have not yet met. Once again, made me laugh. “Which, hey, Check out the bamboo flooring.” As IF you were in my head. Only mine was “check out the cheap cheasy fake wood flooring!” Still, clearly soul mates.

  • Denee Rebottaro

    My hubby and I enjoyed making up caulking jokes too when we were working on our house…You have to pass the time somehow and classy or not, they’re pretty funny. 🙂

    • renegademama

      Delighted that I’m not the only one. Seriously, so relieved. Cheers.

  • Janelle

    Love your blog you are too funny!

    • renegademama

      Thanks, Janelle. And did I mention you have an excellent name?

  • dani


    I’ll be in a similar state when we re-do The Boy’s room. I’ll need lots of booze to calm my OCD ways.

  • Tammy

    OK, that did it- you owe me a mouthful of coffee and some dry underwear…

  • Treadingwater

    So I just stumbled on your blog and I have decided we should be best friends. That is all.